My First Non Erotic Poem Submission...

[Havocman]

Has been up for a few days, but I don't know if anyone's seen it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=16991

I'd appreciate any feedback I could get on this one...

Thanks Folks,

Havocman

 

[KillerMuffin]

Sunsets are cool. Nice poem.

 

[Katerina Val-Kyrie]

Sunsets

Ron, I thought your poem was beautiful. I loved it. There was such meaning to your words. Truly well done. Hugs KitKat

 

[WildHoney]

Havocman,

As beautiful as sunsets are, they also signify the end of a day, the end of a cherished moment. I found your poem to reflect that in such a sentimental way. How you used the sunset to signify the ending of a love, the memories of faded times; and how you used colors to guide the reader to understand better the mood you've created.

I look forward to more.

Thank you,
WildHoney

 

[JUDO]

How about this?

Hav-

The imagery is wonderful and the hinted love/life compared to the sunset is nice.

How about the rhythm? The first read made me stop between each stanza, but I didn't want to.

I read it again, more like this:

Sunsets
Like liquid fire
Poured upon the sky
The dying embers
Of a love that once flamed
My heart is filled with
Sunsets
Like burnished gold
Aging the heavens
The faded photographs
Of memories once bright
My mind is crowded with
Sunsets
Like pink roses
Scattered on the horizon
The sweet crushed petals
Of failed fragile dreams
My life is consumed with
Sunsets
...

I like the faster rhythm and the continuing imagery more like this. What do you think? Just different?

- Judo

 

[Nicole]

Well Hon, I loved it, but you already knew that

You know me, I just like to keep telling you *huggles*