My First Lit Submission

[MelancholyBaby]

Hello all,

My first submission to lit was posted today and I would like to get some feedback on it to improve my writing. If you could please look at it and let me know what you think I would really appreciate it.

Thank you,
Melanie

 

[mjl2010]

Really nicely done Melanie. Not much else to say. You write everything like this and they'll be lining up to read you.

MJL

 

[suckandfuck]

No way is this your first submission. I voted 5!

 

[CeriseNoire]

I really enjoyed that. I really liked the way you showed the relationship between your two characters.

 

[MelancholyBaby]

Thank you all very much for your comments. I appreciate them very much and am encouraged to begin working on another chapter to My Kate.

Yes, it really is my first submission. I play around on the SRP boards here and there but, up until this point, I couldn't finish a story on my own if my life depended on it. True this one is not truly finished, but it's an achievement for me to have actually finished something

Thank you again, I look forward to any further comments or suggestions you may have for me.

--Melanie

 

[Boxerbrief]

Well written, concise and mysterously erotic.

 

[wehstar]

I feel that the quality is excellent for your first submission. It does not look like the work of an amateur at all, not to me anyway. I am not entirely understanding of BDSM, in particular the psyche of the female submissive. It isn't "my bag", and I imagine it to be better to those that are into it.

The first section is compelling, it is mysterious and artfully done. It is not like most stories here that tell a straight story. Personally it bugged me not knowing everything, but I understand exactly what you wanted to achieve. The reader is intrigued, trying to work out the nature of the relationship from the hints that you give.

You are successful in drawing in the reader to want to know more... after reading it I genuinly wanted to read the next one, to learn more about them. I wonder if you intend on slowly revealing details in a series of tales, in which you throw in some additional mysteries?

For a while, I suspected that she was a virgin. Perhaps another tale could cover Katie's memory of their "first time".

Your descriptions of the sexual encounter are vivid and descriptive. There is little there to improve on that I can see.

To give you advice is difficult as the quality was high. As a beginner, I want to be given as much feedback as I can on my stories; I guess you are the same, so I will try.

- Perhaps I would like to know a litte more detail about the emotions of your characters, what they are feeling at the time. I find this difficult to do when writing in third person.

- From the general quality I reckon you proof read it carefully, however I guess this is a mistake: "I can give you a ride home if you don't walk to walk." A volunteer editor would eliminate such things.

In summary; it was deliciously well thought out and delivered. I too practiced my style on the SRP forum before my first story, and find it difficult to complete a story. Why don't you take a look at it - I would appreciate any feedback. If you like my style, perhaps we could work on something together.