My First Ever Story...

[kallie182]

Hi, I'm a new writer and I'm wondering if I should actually keep going with this... I'd appreciate feedback on my story. Thank youClick here for my story.

 

[silversword]

Congratulations on you first story posting.

You definately shouldn't give up, ok so its not a prize winning masterpeice but neither is it anywhere near as bad as some stories ive seen on Lit.

I will leave more detailed critique to those better at it than me.

definately keep going

silver

 

[Evangeline]

Hi, I'm a new writer and I'm wondering if I should actually keep going with this... I'd appreciate feedback on my story. Thank youClick here for my story.

Congratulations on your story.

You do have some nice ideas, but the story does read as if it's been written by a novice. That doesn't mean you shouldn't continue, it simply means you need to write more and you absolutely must read more.

A few thoughts:

You talk about her "thongs"... how many pair is she wearing? I know it's confusing since we have panties and knickers, both in the plural, but it's thong, not thongs.

You need to watch your grammar and punctuation. If you've ended a statement with an exclamation point, there's no need to add a comma after the quotation marks.

She's been waiting by the window for him to return, they enjoy a passionate groping session in the driveway, they can barely get the car unloaded because they can't keep their hands off one another, yet the first thing they do when they get in the house is watch television?

There is very little dialogue, and that is a problem. There's a lot of She did this, he did that, she put this here, he put that there. That can be a bit tiresome for the reader. We want to be drawn into the relationship, and dialogue, when done well, can really do that.

For example:

He'd barely shut the door behind him before she pressed her body against his, sliding her hands into his thick hair, kissing him with the full force of the passion which had been building since he'd left. He returned her kiss, then pulled away.

"Darling, I've missed you so terribly. But I'm just worn out from the drive. Sit with me for a while," he said, gesturing towards the sofa.

"Of course, Sweetheart," she replied. "Anything to have your arms around me again."

Another thing you might want to consider. The Romance category is a bit less explicit. This story might be better suited for Erotic Couplings.

Don't give up. Check out the "Story Recommendations" thread and read some of those stories. And definitely write more.

E-