My first effort

[OxfordDon]

I feel guilty doing this but I have been writing erotic shorts for years and not doing anything with them so at last put my first attempt on this site (usual long-time reader, first-time contributor)
I would love any feedback, good or bad, to see if it is worth continuing to contibute.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=385928
... is based on my college days, and most of my stories are fact/fantasy based on my journey through life (I'm over 50 now so plenty of material there!)

thanks all

Oxford Don

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Oxford Don, welcome and thanks for posting.

I enjoyed your story and really liked the wickedness nicely portrayed in the setting. Your language and ability to place the setting are good. I'm not sure though that you quite get it right. You write as Erotic Couplings but it seemed a bit tame in that regard. I read it more as a Romance and was hoping for more about their relationship. I cared, but was frustrated not knowing more about the pair.

A few edit points but none that stopped the flow. I thought you used the ellipse (three dots) a bit too much.

More strength to your elbow. This is a lovely story and I really look forward to reading more of your work.

Congrats

Elle

 

[Saucy_Sage]

In general, I thought it very well done. It's not really a story, of course, as much as it is a sex scene. We never get to know either of the characters well enough, and there's no tension in the story.

Your writing is quite good, although I think you do need to vary the length of your sentences (I found too many compound sentences with "and" in the middle) and stop using so many exclamation points. You lose their effectiveness when you use them that often; in particular, having people whisper sentences that end in exclamation points seems incompatible with their sitting in the same chair.

Finally, you need to pay more attention to dialogue attribution:

"Sorry I was forgetting myself!" and I pulled my hands back up again.

"Are you going to kiss me then?" She asked.

I glanced down and suddenly realised that there was a button at the front of her bra, and I said to Ann,

"Shall I undo this?"

My understanding is that all of these are incorrect. The first doesn't have a dialogue tag, the "she" shouldn't be capitalized in the second, and you shouldn't end a paragraph with a comma in order to start a new paragraph with a line of dialogue.

I would definitely keep writing!

 

[OxfordDon]

Feedback

Thank you so much for this - it is extremely useful. I have already posted a follow up story and am happy to develop the characters. I understand the need for a "back story" perhaps and I have cut and pasted the technical comments so I can brush up on this.
I Know I use the ellipsis too much - I noticed this when editing a story today!

Martin

 

[HowMayIPleaseU]

Smiles... I quite enjoyed this Don... A few minor grammar/spelling things, which I would be happy to advise you on, if you wished... But really a lovely romantic story...