My First Attempt

[Naughty_McGee]

I wouldn't say I'm a very creative person. Inspiration rarely ever strikes me. As a result, what little creative talent I may have never gets developed. But when inspiration does strike, I generally seem to do a passable job for someone without real skill.

Not too long ago I was bored, and playing (quite irresponsibly) with the online personal ads. A - er - "situation" developed which ended up inspiring this story, the first piece of erotica I've ever written.

I have a feeling that the content of the story is not really quite hard-core or over-the-top enough for the taste of many readers. This is because it's not pure fantasy.

This is actually based on real events. In fact, it was the reality of the situation which was the biggest turn on for me. And this undoubtedly biased the direction and extent of the content to a large degree.

Sadly, that tie to reality can't really be shared by the reader. But I did my best to ground the narrative in reality with reactionary mixed-emotions, imperfect communication, and general behaviors that someone might actually have and not just fantasize about.

Hope you enjoy it.

 

[Experiencedguy]

Very well done, especially for a first story. I normally skip over lesbian stories, but this one certainly got (and held) my attention. Just one word of caution: Watch your spelling!! Was she excited or was she exited? Big difference. Keep up the good work, and I'll look forward to any new submissions you send the site.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Overall, for a first story, I thought it was a good effort. The opening did a good job of drawing the reader in and making them wonder what was going to happen next.

Having said that, the sex scene was way over-written and filled with awkward prose like this:

Gradually, Erin's manipulations began to escalate . . .

and this:

As the riding began to accelerate, and she gulped on the fluid seeping into her mouth, it became too difficult, even dangerous, to keep her tongue engaged.

and this:

Dana, still trapped underneath, was practically blowing bubbles with her nose

Also, this part I found a bit hard to believe:

It was all she could do not to babble incoherently as “introductions” were made and Erin somehow smoothly arranged for just the two of them to slip away for a little lunch or shopping or something.

It comes off like you wrote yourself into a plot hole and couldn't figure out how to get out.

The other thing I found confusing is that you said it was a true story, and that you wrote it yourself, so I assumed you were the Dana character. But the story starts with the dedication, "For Dana". Did you dedicate it to yourself? Or are you supposed to be the Erin character?

 

[Naughty_McGee]

Perhaps you'd care to elaborate.

• What do you mean by "overwritten"?

• You find,

  Dana, still trapped underneath, was practically blowing bubbles with her nose mashed up against Erin's pubic bone.

  to be awkward prose. How might you better paint that picture?

• I can certainly relate to the experience of losing the suspension of disbelief, when characters do or say ridiculous or unrealistic things. It happens all the time in Lit stories, especially with outlandish dialog:

  "If we are going to go through with sex, you must agree that this will only be the first of many, many times!"
  
  "Yes, of course, sister. That is what I have secretly always wanted! ...For us. ...To be doing. ...To each other!"

  But I exaggerate.
  
  Anyway, I'm not sure what's so unbelievable about the Dana character being so flustered with the situation, having so many thoughts going in different directions, being so self conscious and taken aback, that she found it hard to think, never mind speak articulately, and ultimately just let the more confident, clearer-minded character take control of the situation and handle social niceties with the innocent bystanders, all the while not being able to take precise note of every detail of what's going on.
  
  I'm not disagreeing with you here. I'm just saying that I'm missing what it was about this part that was hard to swallow.

 

[estragon]

Naughty, you have been quibbled by estragon, high praise indeed for a debutante.