My first approved submission - feedback requested (reluctance / non-consent)

[holes]

Just had my first story approved, chapter 1 of a series: http://www.literotica.com/s/teacher-in-paradise-ch-01

I would love any feedback, please. It's about a teacher in charge of discipline at a girl's school.

 

[hylas_]

I read the first half of the story. It reads mostly like a wank fantasy with no aspirations to be anything more. There's nothing wrong with that, but it means that I don't have much to say about it, especially since I'm not really into that particular scenario. Still, a few comments, for what it's worth:

Mr. Johnson comes across like a dumb teenage boy, and it made me wonder how on earth somebody with that level of maturity got a job as a Vice Principal at a school. Of course I know that realism is not what this story is going for, but I think I would have enjoyed the story more if Mr. Johnson was written in a similarly "elevated" manner, like Miss Murphy and Lauren, rather than a slobbering teenager.

Your language is a little on the pedestrian side, but clear enough. You tend to repeat yourself; for example, during the initial chat with Miss Murphy, you write at least four times that Mr. Johnson is slightly confused, but intrigued. It's not a huge problem, but some tightening wouldn't hurt.

I think people who like your scenario will enjoy your story, even if there's little there for anybody else. I think you should keep writing, and some of the more clumsy elements will iron themselves out. Hope I could help, have fun!

 

[holes]

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[FlyAwayFromHere]

If i am completely honest, if i were not putting effort into reading this as its your first submission and you want a review i would probably have stopped reading it pretty soon as it isnt my personal cup of tea.

I prefer longer stories with more depth and more realism, but that being said there are plenty of people who come on here looking for simple wank bank stories to get them off quickly and effectively, and yours is by no means the worst of these, so if you were aiming for quick and to the point you hit that on the head.

Your spelling and gammar are good enough to write, its clear and definately worth continuing to write.

I would say that it moves a little to fast for me.

I also commented on your story on the page so that your feedback increases. Good luck with writing in the future and feel free to message me when you want feedback for your next story

(Bare in mind i have only written one story myself, and that is new, so i could be talking complete bullshit! Don't take anything to heart if you feel insulted)

Fly x

 

[thefishfryer]

Whist I can buy into stories about mind control and time dilation etc. I did find the plot of this a little implausible. The characters needed more development to make them believable. The writing is ok if a bit perfunctory, it does a reasonable job of titillation. Please don't be put off by the bad reviews, keep at it and you will improve.

 

[sr71plt]

It's a sophomoric stroker, but it's literate and the right length for the target audience, which will like it--and more from you in the same vein. if that's what you enjoy writing.

I'd suggest just writing and posting them rather than asking for feedback on them from the forum. I don't think readers targeting strokers like this read the forum much, so you may get a false impression that such stories aren't all that popular on Lit.

 

[FlyAwayFromHere]

Yeah well said, they are definitely worth writing and people will read them and get pleasure from them. And they are defo popular.

Good luck

 

[holes]

Thanks all for the great feedback.

I have a bunch of ideas for other stories too, which should be more in-depth and include more character detail and development. And I'll continue writing this series.