My first 3 stories... "Friendship Renewed" series

[pinkmonkey80]

Feedback on my first attempts at this would be most appreciated!!!

I know they're not very good, but they're all based on my personal experiences in the relationship...and I hope that my writing will improve with readers' help. Eventually I'll break-away from the actual experiences and just start writing fictional stuff if I come up with any good ideas or people toss good ideas my way.

Thanks much!


~pinkmonkey80

Friendship Renewed, Chapter 1: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=141989

Friendship Renewed, Chapter 2:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=143390

Friendship Renewed, Chapter 3:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=148960

(I wrote chapters 4 and 5 and I am waiting for those to be posted.)

 

[Singularity]

My Initial Reaction...

would be to not read the story through to the end, I am afraid.

The first paragraph leaves the reader with many unanswered questions, and the way the second paragraph goes, you already know that you aren't likely to learn the answers.

- What was the year-long fight about?

- Did they fall in love two years ago when she was sixteen, or now, after the year long fight and two year's elapsed time that allows her to be eighteen and "Lit-legal"?

The amount of contact and playing around in paragraph two before she is eighteen is borderline unacceptable for Lit, too. I won't attempt to judge whether it should have been rejected for it, but you are dancing on the line of acceptability, at the minimum, I think.

Continuing on, where, and how and why, did she get 100 miles away? That is another unanswered question.

A minor technical point - don't use "18th" and "5" for numbers. Spell them out. Also, start new paragraphs when switching speakers and focus in the story.

Why is Liz angry at Jay in paragraph four? No clue for the reader.

And so on.

The story, overall sounds like a personal narrative and a recitation of events rather than a story, without much drama and character development and emotion. Overall, a "flat" rating.

I recommend you focus on developing the scene and the backstory and making it "tighter" with more use of dialog, to really grab the reader. You want them sitting on the edge of their chairs, waiting for chapter two (and doing whatever they do when sitting on the edge) with eager anticipation.

The last sentence, where you ask the readers whether you should continue or not, is a pet peeve of mine. It doesn't add anything to the story, and it gives the reader the impression you would only care to continue if you get favorable ratings. An author who is committed to what he or she is writing will write the entire story, regardless of whether the first chapter garners good, or weak, feedback.

Some more development and more dialog, and you can create something much stronger. It doesn't take a lot, once you know what to work on. If you read some other stories (here, or elsewhere) and read the sentences and the structure instead of the story, you will get an idea of what you want to add to liven things up.

My first story was pretty weak in retrospect, so please don't take this as a "go to jail, do not pass go" card.

I got a tiny bit better with each one and am still learning how to not stink things up too badly each time I try something new.

Keep honing your craft and each new one will be better than the last one.


Sin.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I started reading Part I, and I got very confused. They were practically lovers and just waiting for her to turn 18 before they consummated, and then all of a sudden she's 100 miles away and he's got all these women in his life, and when they meet there's actually animosity there, on her part at least.

What happened? There's no word of a breakup or argument. You said they just drifted apart. Did she move away? Did he? And why is she suddenly angry at him when they meet? And you mean to tellme that she spent her 18th birthday travelling 100 miles to be with a friend who just happened to live in the same building as Jay?

So I don't understand what's going on between these two. But I've got to say that the fact that he's 21 and fooling around with a 16 year-old kind of makes me think he's a sleeze.

---dr.M.

 

[pinkmonkey80]

replies to both

-yeah, i thought adding all the extra, complicated character development would make it more boring than it already was.

we always lived 100 miles apart, we just traveled to see each other a lot.




...and yeah, come to think of it, he really is a sleaze. and it makes me feel just as sleazy to have actually been with him and been so impressionable.