My first 2 stories

[webdiva]

Would love any feedback... These are the first 2 stories I posted:


A Trip to the Movies

AND

Their First Encounter

Thanks!

 

[BigTexan]

WebDiva,

This feedback is on your story "A Trip to the Movies".

Overall the plot was okay and the sex scenes were pretty good.

I had to read it twice before I could put my finger on what was making me uncomfortable. It was the tense. Using present tense made the story less enjoyable because I kept feeling like there was something "wrong" with it.

Change the tense to past tense and the whole story is better, IMHO.

The next thing I noticed is that you "Told" a lot of things that could have been shown. Take the first sentence:

Lisa and Mark's first sexual encounter was wonderful. This is a huge "TELL" and no show.

After reading my first story and the ensuing feedback, I came to an epiphany about this. Almost any time you use "was" in a sentence you are telling not showing. That doesn't mean I think you should never use the word "was", but I do think you that you should carefully look at each sentence with "was" in it.

The last thing I noticed was the narration. This story relied heavily on the narrator. This is also a symptom of telling the reader. Pushing more action and description into showing would have reduced the narrative feel.

Still overall it was a good story. Good luck and keep writing. I hope this helps and is what you were looking for.

BigTexan

 

[webdiva]

thanks

thanks for the feedback as to their First Sexual Encounter (i should have done it in chapters) but i did tell that was my other story called Their First Encounter, but that wasn't made clear.

Anyway thanks for the tips I will keep them in mind for next time.
Thanks
Kelly

 

[damppanties]

Their First Encounter

Hi,

I'm writing this feedback as I'm reading the story.

The day arrived for Lisa to leave, she was all packed and ready to go when the phone rang.

"Hello?" she answers.

You changed tense abruptly here. You started the story with past tense then moved to present.

I'd have liked you to spend a little more time on the day they spent together. It was just one paragraph.

And you change tenses again. You write about the day in past tense and about the night in the present tense. The abrupt changing of tenses is very notable. I find this problem all throughout the story. Watch out for this.

Ouch!! I read the author's note in the middle of the story... Bad idea.

Finally after about 30 seconds or so...

It's better to write thirty in words instead of 30.

Ok, I finished reading. The sex is good and definitely got me warm. IMO, it could be a lot better. You just tell us he put his hand there, she looked at him there, etc. Try writing a sex scene using all of the senses. Describe the sensation she's feeling when he runs his hand sown her spine. How is her skin? Smooth? Warm? It would put a lot more feeing into it.

Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[kristydoll]

I read "Their First Encounter" and although your story is just fine, I agree with previous posts, I think you should have opted for "past tense". It would improve the flow of your story greatly.

My only other comment would be to "show" instead of "telling" us what each of the characters did. This allows the reader to see and experience the story, instead of having the author's voice tell us everything.

Keep writing - it gets easier!

kristy

 

[webdiva]

I actually meant to remove the Authors note, initially wrote that story for one person only and it was just a humorous sidenote for them. I really appreciate the advice though and will definitely use it in my next writings.
Thanks
Kelly