My fiance and lover of more than 4 years just told me she's into BDSM and I'm not.

[AliMohdAyman]

UPDATED: My fiance just told me she's into BDSM and I'm not.

Hey everyone, I honestly have no idea where to start from, but I really do need help, preferably from someone with experience.

So to put you all in the picture, I have been dating this girl for more than 4 years now, and we have recently got engaged, it's all great and I love her more than anything in this world, but we have been long distance for quite some time and we still will be until next summer when I finally graduate medical school overseas and we are planning to get married and move in together.

For the first year we were together there has been no sex whatsoever, just an overdose of emotions, we do love each other quite more than I can fit in this post, then I had to travel abroad and I started to see her once a year, so the following summer was the first time we actually have sex and it went on.

During that stay everything was normal, then last summer when she was here I did notice a few stuff, I fingered her for fun, and she would get an orgasm every single time and that turned me on and made me go crazy, but I know the clit is the most sensitive part and when I asked her she told me she enjoyed me fingering her more than rubbing the clit, so one time doing that (I was going slowly cause I was scared of hurting her) she kept pushing my hand as in to go harder so I did and we were making out, before she had an orgasm she was biting my lips hard, holding me very tight and scratching my back and she said that was the best orgasm she's had, I later looked at my fingers and apparently my nails made her bleed from going very hard.

Then when we were having sex I prefer missionary as I get to see her beautiful face and my penis is slightly bent upwards which is great in that position to hit the g spot, and doggy is too tight for my thick penis, so when we were changing positions I told her to get on top and she told me she wanted to do doggy because it is more painful, I thought she was crazy like who would prefer that for this reason.

Days went on, after countless times of amazing sex (well at least to me) I had to travel back, and we had to go back to skype sex as the only sexual experience we could have, it used to be good the first times every time I had to travel, but this time I noticed she was less interested, anyway since I left this time she hasn't even asked for it once, then during a casual chat she told me you're too cute for someone who looks like you (I'm a fitness model) so I thought she was joking and I joked along and told her "Won't be too cute when I tie you down and whip your ***" and she goes like "Oh please do" so I just laughed and changed the subject, but the accumulation of events all triggered my mind, and I was sure about this, days later she sent me a nude and asked me what I would do to her if I was there with her, so I decided to take it a step ahead and I told her the usual bdsm stuff and for the first time in a long long time she tells me she managed to get off to that, so I was even more sure and decided to ask her the next day if she had any sort of fetish, and she said she doesn't, and because I was so sure I told her I have one but I can't tell her until she tells me, and after long negotiations she actually did, she told me she was a masochist and she said she doesn't want to ever talk about it until I go see her (March) and I told her I'll tell her about my fetish later.

I do not have any fetish, I am almost a doctor now and pain for my loved ones still scares the **** out of me, I am the passionate loving slow sex partner, and I enjoy being that and worshiping every part of her perfect body the way she deserves to be worshiped. But I don't want to lose her, she's everything to me and I'd rather die than not be with her, and I was always insecure about pleasing her in bed mainly because I was cheated on before, which is why for 4 years I have just been trying to build this body that she can sleep with and never get enough of, and I thought that was helping, I don't mind doing anything to please her, and I know if I refuse her she's probably going to try to satisfy that pleasure somewhere else eventually and I don't want that to happen.

So please tell me what to do, or if you know any forums that can help please refer me to them, I have been spending many sleepless nights thinking about this, I don't want to hurt her, but I want to please her, do I play along and tell her my secret fetish is that I'm a sadism and try to work with that? Or do I just ignore it? And if I was to play along how the hell can I even do that lol like is there some way a person can practice or learn? Or do I tell her I don't have a fetish but I'm ready to try anything with her? I can't talk to her about it until March so whatever I say she would probably reply with a yes or no since she clearly stated she doesn't want to talk about it.

Thank you very much.

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Only you really know if you're sexually compatible. You either are or you're not. If you love her are you willing to experiment with sexual activities that make you feel uncomfortable and don't turn you on?

Long distance relationships can be a challenge for specific reason. You need to talk in person. March seems a little too far away. Can you meet in person sooner? Leaving this unresolved is not healthy.

Sam xx

 

[MastersDelight]

Don't lie to her. Don't say you're a sadist to make her happy for fear of losing her. Be honest. Ask her what she wants from you, what her ideal sexual partner would be able to do for her, then negotiate from there. Tell her what you're ok with, and what you're not. In complete and total honesty. BDSM relationships are built on trust, without that, there's little that can be done.

I'm sorry to hear about your past pain, please don't project that on her. She's not your ex, give her a chance to prove that. It's great you're working on your body, and I hope you're doing that to please yourself, not just to keep her in the hook. Looks fade, it's better she love you for other things.

Masochism isn't about hurting or destroying her. It's just another way to love and worship her. It's not wrong, just different, as are most things BDSM.

 

[Primalex]

a) A fetish is the sexual interest towards an inanimate object - the fetish. Rubber or latex might be a fetish, masochism is not a fetish.

b) Figure out what the truth for you is.

The options are:

You are not a sadist and you
[ ] are willing to please her the way she likes, even if this includes causing her pain.
[ ] are unsure, whether you can fulfill her sexual interests, but would try your best to find a mutual agreement on how to proceed for mutual enjoyment.
[ ] are disgusted about her enjoying pain and would rather not be with her sexually.

Once you've made up your mind, tell her exactly that, starting with the simple fact that you are not a sadist and hurting her does not give you pleasure itself.

c) The bigger problem about your relationship is not the sado-masochism, but likely the fact that she looks for someone who is also in control, who takes her and fucks her brain out no matter what - and you are "too cute". I wouldn't say this is a hopeless situation, but you have to realize, like really realize and get it in your brain, that different women prefer different things and doing things just because it would have worked better in your previous relationship or with a different woman is not helping you with the next woman.

 

[SalvDali]

Well for one you are in a good place to do some research. READ!! I have been reading these forums for just over 2 months and I am still learning stuff.

I had issues similar to yours when my wife of 14 years suddenly expressed interest in what turned out to be BDSM. For me at least, when I saw what a smack on the ass or a pinch on a nipple did to her... It was over I was in balls deep. If you can get out of your own head enough to see the pleasure you are giving her rather than dwelling on the "pain" you "think" you are inflicting. I can tell you that it can be an incredible journey to take with someone you are in Love with.

I am new to this myself so take what I say with a grain of salt.. but read these forums. Most importantly, talk to your fiance about what you are willing to try and what she needs and wants and for F#@$S sake don't start lying to her now or it will never end and if you do get married it could get damn ugly. I am 39.. I watched my friends lie to women or hide things.. Most of them are divorced now. She will figure it out, it isn't worth the trouble to lie.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

First off, calm down. Understand that the world as you know it is not crumbling, nor is this as dire a situation as you are building it up to be in your head. You have discovered something new about her, something you had a sneaking suspicion about, and you may even find it a bit shocking or intimidating. But, by no means is this some insurmountable obstacle you must overcome to be together.

As others have stated previously, your insecurities are just that, yours. Obviously she saw something in you from the beginning, otherwise things would not have progressed to the point of an engagement, yeah? So don't project or change things about yourself simply based on what you think someone else wants, especially without consulting them first, your assumptions will do you no favors. Also, don't lie about being something you're not. That road leads down a steep, self perpetuating path of more untruths that will just end up hurting you both in the end.

If you feel as strongly as you say you do, then that means you are willing to sit down with her and talk about what you are both willing/unwilling to do, expectations, and figure out how best to approach the subject. There is a world of difference between masochism and abuse, which is what you seem to be unable to differentiate between at the moment. The difference is intent. I'm sure you would agree that there is a stark contrast between something like binding her, pulling her hair, and giving her a harsh slap on the ass and rubbing the sting away or taking her nipple between your teeth and making her gasp before licking it better, whilst verbally teasing. Versus, smacking the shit out of her because you had a bad day and she left the milk on the counter. You aren't hurting her, as you see it, you are expressing the same affection you always have just in a different way. A way that she wants you to.

At the same time, she needs to understand that this is not something you are used to/well versed in, so patience and feedback is going to be paramount if she wants this from you. If you are willing to try and give her what she wants, she is going to have to understand that it is going to be a learning process for you. All starts with communication, just be honest with each other, and then move on from there.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

That's true if she didn't see something in me she wouldn't have reached the point of engagement, I am not a bad partner I never have been and I never will, and I agree with everything else on the replies.

Maybe I misexplained thing because English is not my mother language, but I am willing to do anything for her, and if being dominant is what she wants it's way better than having her say she wants to stick a dildo up my ass.

So thank you everyone for your help, I think I've made up my mind but where do I start, how do I learn how to become the person she wants me to be? Is there any recommended resource you could suggest? Talking to her about it is not an option since she clearly stated she doesn't want to. And by March I would like to know what I am supposed to do to her and how to start this, I want to take it slow and build it up from there, but even a spank on the ass I consider painful so how do I start?

 

[SalvDali]

I am out and only have my phone at the moment but when i get home and situated I will link some of the threads i have been reading. Also the library thread near the top is pretty usefull and easy to navigate.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

I am out and only have my phone at the moment but when i get home and situated I will link some of the threads i have been reading. Also the library thread near the top is pretty usefull and easy to navigate.

Thank you very much!

 

[SalvDali]

Not a lot of time before dinner will be ready so I will try to throw up a few links.

When I was looking for books to get started :
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1104379
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1344996

Forums about Submission so you can see what she gets from it:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=304819


When you have particular questions later on if you can't find an answer in the library, just ask. The response I found here when I joined and had no clue where to start was much more pleasant than I had expected.

Your situation (I am assuming here) is different from mine in that your fiance has already experimented and knows a little about it, whereas this was something that neither of us had experimented with other than watching some kinky porn from time to time.

Another tip I found somewhere was to make a journal, where the two of you can write back and forth. For us this works because it's easier to write and take the time to think when you write and get everything down on paper. Communication is the big key here.. you aren't going to find a book anywhere that tells you what your fiance is into.. you are going to have to talk about it. I had several "Really, you want me to do that" moments.

.. and don't get caught up in the labels.. dom .. sub.. just try to have fun. If your experience is anything like mine.. you are about to discover a whole new side of yourself as well.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

Not a lot of time before dinner will be ready so I will try to throw up a few links.

When I was looking for books to get started :
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1104379
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1344996

Forums about Submission so you can see what she gets from it:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=304819


When you have particular questions later on if you can't find an answer in the library, just ask. The response I found here when I joined and had no clue where to start was much more pleasant than I had expected.

Your situation (I am assuming here) is different from mine in that your fiance has already experimented and knows a little about it, whereas this was something that neither of us had experimented with other than watching some kinky porn from time to time.

Another tip I found somewhere was to make a journal, where the two of you can write back and forth. For us this works because it's easier to write and take the time to think when you write and get everything down on paper. Communication is the big key here.. you aren't going to find a book anywhere that tells you what your fiance is into.. you are going to have to talk about it. I had several "Really, you want me to do that" moments.

.. and don't get caught up in the labels.. dom .. sub.. just try to have fun. If your experience is anything like mine.. you are about to discover a whole new side of yourself as well.

I will be spending a good amount of time looking into these, thank you very very much I owe you one my friend!

 

[Primalex]

You cannot become the person she wants without communication.

The "We don't talk about it before March" rule is dumb and it's the first thing you have to overthrow as the guy in charge.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

You cannot become the person she wants without communication.

The "We don't talk about it before March" rule is dumb and it's the first thing you have to overthrow as the guy in charge.

I thought the exact same thing when she told me lol, like ok you want me to dominate and rape your brains out but you set a rule like that? Guess it's the first "no more cute guy" move, wish me luck

 

[Bramblethorn]

Not much here that others haven't already said, just adding my voice:

So please tell me what to do, or if you know any forums that can help please refer me to them, I have been spending many sleepless nights thinking about this, I don't want to hurt her, but I want to please her, do I play along and tell her my secret fetish is that I'm a sadism and try to work with that?

Hell no. Building a relationship on a lie is a very bad idea and she's likely to feel betrayed if she finds out.

Or do I just ignore it?

No. This is not something that's likely to go away from ignoring it. You need to work out some way of dealing with it.

And if I was to play along how the hell can I even do that lol like is there some way a person can practice or learn? Or do I tell her I don't have a fetish but I'm ready to try anything with her?

That last thing, if it's true.

Some couples manage to make this kind of relationship work: one person's not into BDSM but they're willing to do it for their partner's sake, and that's enough for their partner.

Others don't. Either Person A is just too uncomfortable with hurting/"abusing" their lover, even consensually... or Person B needs a partner who's really into it.

It doesn't sound like you have enough info to know for sure which of those couples you are. In your position, I'd be telling her something like:

"I understand this is important to you. It's not something I'm familiar with and I honestly don't know how I'll react to it, but I'm willing to give it a try."

If it works, great. If it doesn't, at least you won't leave her feeling like she was lied to.

Another option that works for some couples who love one another but have incompatible sexual needs is ethical nonmonogamy, but that takes a LOT of work.

I can't talk to her about it until March so whatever I say she would probably reply with a yes or no since she clearly stated she doesn't want to talk about it.

...look, I have a fair bit of experience in slow-moving long-distance relationships, but this still sounds weird to me. BDSM requires good communication. Long-distance relationships require good communication. Relationships with sexual differences require... etc. etc.

It would not be unreasonable to say "I need to discuss this, and I can't wait six months for that".

 

[CutieMouse]

So thank you everyone for your help, I think I've made up my mind but where do I start, how do I learn how to become the person she wants me to be? Is there any recommended resource you could suggest?

You already ARE the person she wants, otherwise she wouldn't be engaged to you.

Talking to her about it is not an option since she clearly stated she doesn't want to.

IMO, expecting you to magically read her mind and automatically know exactly how to dominate her/satisfy her masochistic desires without discussing it at all is immature, irresponsible, unrealistic and unloving. Refusing to discuss it is setting you up for failure.

The only place I know of where this kinky BDSM stuff works perfectly without talking about it? Romance novels.

In the real world, as uncomfortable as it might be - most successful, healthy relationships make the effort to talk about what they want and need (sexually and otherwise) from the relationship. For me, personally, if I can't discuss my sex life with someone, it means I shouldn't be having sex with them.

And by March I would like to know what I am supposed to do to her and how to start this, I want to take it slow and build it up from there, but even a spank on the ass I consider painful so how do I start?

You start by explaining to her that the only way to get her needs met is to talk to you about them, so you know what you are and aren't willing to explore.

You also might want to consider that just because a slap on the ass feels painful to YOU, doesn't mean she processes it the same way. If it helps, you can also insist on a safeword (generally green means keep going, yellow means slow down, red means stop) that you BOTH agree to use to check in. So you spank her ass a few times, and ask what color she's at. She responds with a very enthusiastic green - keep going. Or maybe she says yellow, and you decide that for now her yellow is your red - just because you're the Top (one doing the spanking) doesn't mean you aren't allowed limits, too.

She also needs to understand that you are going to be processing decades of social conditioning telling you that hitting women is wrong... and here you are hitting a woman. The difference between hitting = abuse and BDSM hitting = yummy sexy fun is consent. BTW BOTH of you have a right to refuse consent. Just because she wants XYZ masochistic urge satisfied, doesn't mean you are obligated to service her. I've had lovers over the years who are uncomfortable with some of the things I find enjoyable, and I respected their right to refuse my request. No biggie.

 

[wsahtacrhon1]

........

 

[AliMohdAyman]

You already ARE the person she wants, otherwise she wouldn't be engaged to you.



IMO, expecting you to magically read her mind and automatically know exactly how to dominate her/satisfy her masochistic desires without discussing it at all is immature, irresponsible, unrealistic and unloving. Refusing to discuss it is setting you up for failure.

The only place I know of where this kinky BDSM stuff works perfectly without talking about it? Romance novels.

In the real world, as uncomfortable as it might be - most successful, healthy relationships make the effort to talk about what they want and need (sexually and otherwise) from the relationship. For me, personally, if I can't discuss my sex life with someone, it means I shouldn't be having sex with them.



You start by explaining to her that the only way to get her needs met is to talk to you about them, so you know what you are and aren't willing to explore.

You also might want to consider that just because a slap on the ass feels painful to YOU, doesn't mean she processes it the same way. If it helps, you can also insist on a safeword (generally green means keep going, yellow means slow down, red means stop) that you BOTH agree to use to check in. So you spank her ass a few times, and ask what color she's at. She responds with a very enthusiastic green - keep going. Or maybe she says yellow, and you decide that for now her yellow is your red - just because you're the Top (one doing the spanking) doesn't mean you aren't allowed limits, too.

She also needs to understand that you are going to be processing decades of social conditioning telling you that hitting women is wrong... and here you are hitting a woman. The difference between hitting = abuse and BDSM hitting = yummy sexy fun is consent. BTW BOTH of you have a right to refuse consent. Just because she wants XYZ masochistic urge satisfied, doesn't mean you are obligated to service her. I've had lovers over the years who are uncomfortable with some of the things I find enjoyable, and I respected their right to refuse my request. No biggie.

Thank you so much! Will post an update in a bit

 

[AliMohdAyman]

UPDATE:
- So after all I've read on different forums and asking around I realized the first thing I had to do was to give up the cute guy attitude and force her to talk to me. Which did work.

So apparently she's submissive and I asked her about her pain tolerance, sensitivity and what she likes and these were her responses:

Sensitivity (on a scale of 0-10)
10: Pussy hole
9: Clit - Pussy lips
8: Nipples
7: Neck - thighs
6: Asshole
5: Stomach

Pain when moderately beaten (also from 0-10)
8: Pussy lips (biting/pinching) - Ass spanking
7: Nipple pinching/biting - Scratching
6: Clit pinching/biting - Face slapping
5: Pussy slapping - Choking

Pleasure: 1 being favorite 9 being least
1- Choking
2- Biting
3- Rough sex
4- Bondage
5- Whipping
6- Blinding
7- Mouth gag and tape
8- Scratching
9- Clips

I have been very honest with her and I told her I had no BDSM intentions whatsoever, she's a very very shy person and if you guys see her you'd know how much of a shock this had to be to me, after more than 4 years, but I guess you never truly know a person no matter what you do, which is why I apologized for assuming that the kind of sex we used to have was pleasing her. And I told her I am learning and together we can experiment and with proper communication it should all be fine, agreed on the safe word, the traffic lights etc.

And then I can't tell you guys how happy she was, this was the happiest I've seen her on skype in all the months we spent away from each other, her eyes were filled with tears and I could see the excitement and joy filling her up, so I thought to myself if it makes her this happy then why the hell not, even though I watched 50 shades of grey and thought it was a shit movie, I tried to watch BDSM and couldnt even get a boner, but I guess fuck everything else when it comes to seeing her get pleasure from me it's about the same as getting an orgasm because of me and that used to be enough to make go crazy, regardless of the tool used to please her and this is no different.

So I did get in the zone, and then she told me she loved me and I told her I love her too then her being herself said she loves me more and me just being the joker I am using this situation messed around and said you will get a punishment for every time you say you love me more, and she kept on saying more to tease me so just out of fun I google common BDSM punishments and I said a few out of habit with no feelings whatsoever and they joy I saw in her eyes was indescribable, it was the first time she managed to get off on skype for quite some time so I use that as well and play along saying she's not allowed to get pleasure and she's a bad girl, but I will forgive her under one condition, so after she begged for forgiveness I told her the condition is to pinch her nipple as hard as she can while fingering herself even though it was hard for me watching her moan but god damn she was enjoying the fuck out of it.

In conclusion, I'd like to thank everyone on here who's actually taken the time to read my bullshit bearing with me and helping me out, you guys might have just saved a relationship, I have listed her stats and I am getting to slowly enjoy this and I know with time it will grow onto me, I tend to like stuff by listening to music about them, and being a heavy metal guy it wasn't that difficult to get some good songs on BDSM, but if you have any last minute advice I'd still take it, where do I start and how quickly do I work my way up? and considering my situation which one of these books would you recommend? I went to the book store took a look at all and they all seem to be talking about the same topics, and even in medicine for one subject I always like to stick to one resource as different authors have different views and different possibly contradictory ways:
1- The Loving Dominant
2- The New Bottoming
3- When Someone You Love is Kinky
4- Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns
5- Conquer Me

Thank you guys a million times

 

[SpunThings]

I don't like watching BDSM porn, and I'm into BDSM.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

I don't like watching BDSM porn, and I'm into BDSM.

I told her and she told me the same thing saying it's an experience you don't imagine or fantasize but live in the moment itself, we'll see

 

[seela]

I went to the book store took a look at all and they all seem to be talking about the same topics, and even in medicine for one subject I always like to stick to one resource as different authors have different views and different possibly contradictory ways:
1- The Loving Dominant
2- The New Bottoming
3- When Someone You Love is Kinky
4- Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns
5- Conquer Me

Thank you guys a million times

Isn't it good to find out about the different, even contradictory views and ways of doing things?

There is no one true way to do bdsm, so you can pick and choose what works for you and yours. The more information you have, the easier it is to find your own way.

 

[Netzach]

UPDATE:
- So after all I've read on different forums and asking around I realized the first thing I had to do was to give up the cute guy attitude and force her to talk to me. Which did work.

So apparently she's submissive and I asked her about her pain tolerance, sensitivity and what she likes and these were her responses:

Sensitivity (on a scale of 0-10)
10: Pussy hole
9: Clit - Pussy lips
8: Nipples
7: Neck - thighs
6: Asshole
5: Stomach

Pain when moderately beaten (also from 0-10)
8: Pussy lips (biting/pinching) - Ass spanking
7: Nipple pinching/biting - Scratching
6: Clit pinching/biting - Face slapping
5: Pussy slapping - Choking

Pleasure: 1 being favorite 9 being least
1- Choking
2- Biting
3- Rough sex
4- Bondage
5- Whipping
6- Blinding
7- Mouth gag and tape
8- Scratching
9- Clips

I have been very honest with her and I told her I had no BDSM intentions whatsoever, she's a very very shy person and if you guys see her you'd know how much of a shock this had to be to me, after more than 4 years, but I guess you never truly know a person no matter what you do, which is why I apologized for assuming that the kind of sex we used to have was pleasing her. And I told her I am learning and together we can experiment and with proper communication it should all be fine, agreed on the safe word, the traffic lights etc.

And then I can't tell you guys how happy she was, this was the happiest I've seen her on skype in all the months we spent away from each other, her eyes were filled with tears and I could see the excitement and joy filling her up, so I thought to myself if it makes her this happy then why the hell not, even though I watched 50 shades of grey and thought it was a shit movie, I tried to watch BDSM and couldnt even get a boner, but I guess fuck everything else when it comes to seeing her get pleasure from me it's about the same as getting an orgasm because of me and that used to be enough to make go crazy, regardless of the tool used to please her and this is no different.

So I did get in the zone, and then she told me she loved me and I told her I love her too then her being herself said she loves me more and me just being the joker I am using this situation messed around and said you will get a punishment for every time you say you love me more, and she kept on saying more to tease me so just out of fun I google common BDSM punishments and I said a few out of habit with no feelings whatsoever and they joy I saw in her eyes was indescribable, it was the first time she managed to get off on skype for quite some time so I use that as well and play along saying she's not allowed to get pleasure and she's a bad girl, but I will forgive her under one condition, so after she begged for forgiveness I told her the condition is to pinch her nipple as hard as she can while fingering herself even though it was hard for me watching her moan but god damn she was enjoying the fuck out of it.

In conclusion, I'd like to thank everyone on here who's actually taken the time to read my bullshit bearing with me and helping me out, you guys might have just saved a relationship, I have listed her stats and I am getting to slowly enjoy this and I know with time it will grow onto me, I tend to like stuff by listening to music about them, and being a heavy metal guy it wasn't that difficult to get some good songs on BDSM, but if you have any last minute advice I'd still take it, where do I start and how quickly do I work my way up? and considering my situation which one of these books would you recommend? I went to the book store took a look at all and they all seem to be talking about the same topics, and even in medicine for one subject I always like to stick to one resource as different authors have different views and different possibly contradictory ways:
1- The Loving Dominant
2- The New Bottoming
3- When Someone You Love is Kinky
4- Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns
5- Conquer Me

Thank you guys a million times

This is very cool - and it points to something I think people miss all the time. It's one thing to consider something sexually from watching porn or reading it or whatever - but it's another thing entirely when you're talking about your living breathing favorite person, or even just a person you like, or a person who turns you on insanely and you might not know well.

Even knowing more or less who I am and what kinky crap turns me on, there's a whole second world of stuff that I love to do and only know I love to do because I tried it with someone who was really really into it. Until that added intensity was part of it all those things were kind of "meh."

Also hurting people, even for sadistic fucks like me, is kind of counterintuitive if you're a well socialized person, even more so if your job is keeping people healthy and out of pain at all costs. You've got some "light side, dark side" dichotomy to work with or work through.

Protip: I would not recommend sticking to only one learning source whatsoever when it comes time to being a top/dominant/biter of boobs. A lot of people have a lot to say, but in this racket there are no legitimate authorities that anyone can agree on. I've listened closely to a few masterful people, but I've always incorporated whatever wisdom made sense to me and from any source. Extra protip: listen to bottoms/slaves/subs talking from experience particularly!

 

[MastersDelight]

? I went to the book store took a look at all and they all seem to be talking about the same topics, and even in medicine for one subject I always like to stick to one resource as different authors have different views and different possibly contradictory ways:
1- The Loving Dominant
2- The New Bottoming
3- When Someone You Love is Kinky
4- Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns
5- Conquer Me

Thank you guys a million times

In medicine I can understand because there's usually only one way you're supposed to do something for the reasons of XYZ. In BDSM everyone does things differently, and that's ok. They're is no one size fits all so long as what you're doing falls under SSC(Safe, Sane, Consentual), or RACK(Risk Aware Consentual Kink), or PRICK(Personal Risk Informed Consentual Kink). They're just different rules of thought as to how to handle the safety issues that can come up in BDSM. Read all that you can, be informed, and then pick and choose what will work for you both until you work out a good fit for you both.

 

[CutieMouse]

This is very cool - and it points to something I think people miss all the time. It's one thing to consider something sexually from watching porn or reading it or whatever - but it's another thing entirely when you're talking about your living breathing favorite person, or even just a person you like, or a person who turns you on insanely and you might not know well.

Even knowing more or less who I am and what kinky crap turns me on, there's a whole second world of stuff that I love to do and only know I love to do because I tried it with someone who was really really into it. Until that added intensity was part of it all those things were kind of "meh."

Netz!!!

All the above, 100%.

For over a decade I've been completely lost as to why on earth people like certain things. In random order rope, wearing a collar during sex, public dungeons, receiving oral, sex toys.

The few times someone tried to put a collar on me while kinking? Pissed me off and I couldn't wait to get rid of it.
Rope? Wha? Just tell me it's gonna hurt and I'd better not move...
Public dungeons? Still not 100% on board, but seriously reconsidering.
Oral? Who knew? lol
Toys? I now own (and look forward to using) more toys than I have in my entire adult life.

The ONLY thing that changed, was meeting Mr. Wolf™ - compatibility and enthusiasm, and suddenly I'm discovering all sorts of new things about my sexuality.

 

[AliMohdAyman]

In medicine I can understand because there's usually only one way you're supposed to do something for the reasons of XYZ. In BDSM everyone does things differently, and that's ok. They're is no one size fits all so long as what you're doing falls under SSC(Safe, Sane, Consentual), or RACK(Risk Aware Consentual Kink), or PRICK(Personal Risk Informed Consentual Kink). They're just different rules of thought as to how to handle the safety issues that can come up in BDSM. Read all that you can, be informed, and then pick and choose what will work for you both until you work out a good fit for you both.

Thank you so much, will give them a shot!