My ex is a sadist and it broke us up - I need advice

[WriterDom]

Vanilla is neither a complement or an insult. It was probably a poor word choice due to the connotations.

 

[Recidiva]

Vanilla is neither a complement or an insult. It was probably a poor word choice due to the connotations.

Possibly, but there are enough examples of insulting vanilla people on this board that I've gotten a distaste for the term and its connotations.

Not everyone uses it in a negative connotation. But nobody stops anyone else from doing so either.

 

[Recidiva]

The GB is laughable.

The GB is what it is. If you don't enjoy it, don't go there. But you do go there, and you insult people a lot while you're there, not just their argument, but them personally.

Do you have any comment at all about you starting a thread where you comment on how I left my husband, or is that just "all is fair" since you consider the board and the people there to be laughable? I assure you, they feel differently about themselves. Not in this case, I thought it was hilarious. But in the sense that you going to the "wrong side of the tracks" and behaving like a jackass doesn't really make the point you might want to convey here.

If it's laughable, why don't you avoid it like the plague?

"Gypsies tramps and thieves
We'd hear it from the people of the town
They'd call us
Gypsies tramps and thieves
But every night all the men would come around
And lay their money down "

If you're so upstanding, then why would you go there, argue politically with taking no prisoners, justify personal untrue attacks and try to stand there like that's not being a big ol' hypocrite?

 

[WriterDom]

Possibly, but there are enough examples of insulting vanilla people on this board that I've gotten a distaste for the term and its connotations.

Not everyone uses it in a negative connotation. But nobody stops anyone else from doing so either.

But don't you agree we need a term like vanilla to describe ... vanilla? It's not a put down, no more than straight is a put down.

I think I would speak out if anyone did use it in a negative way. I'd be happy to review any examples of insulting vanilla people. But I won't be holding my breath.

 

[WriterDom]

If it's laughable, why don't you avoid it like the plague?

QUOTE]

For the most part I do. Except to see what the morning crew is up to.

And yes, I'm quite capable of being a jackass. But I would argue that there is much more jackass behavior on the GB per hour, than per day here. You bitch every time you show up on this side about something.

 

[Recidiva]

For the most part I do. Except to see what the morning crew is up to.

And yes, I'm quite capable of being a jackass. But I would argue that there is much more jackass behavior on the GB per hour, than per day here. You bitch every time you show up on this side about something.

And you've ignored my question about personally attacking me and feeling justified twice.

So, exhibit A of what a great ambassador you are for the "bullshit" that doesn't happen here and that you decide should happen elsewhere.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=513926

 

[WriterDom]

Had you left your husband and I poked fun of it, that would be mean spirited. It was just a joke, be it in bad taste. If I offended you I'm sorry.

 

[Recidiva]

Had you left your husband and I poked fun of it, that would be mean spirited. It was just a joke, be it in bad taste. If I offended you I'm sorry.

"your bitch is hot

ho

not nappy"

and

"I've done little.

Her cunt is mine. Dose that piss you off?"

Those are jokes?

Really?

And you're sorry? Really?

 

[JMohegan]

Possibly, but there are enough examples of insulting vanilla people on this board that I've gotten a distaste for the term and its connotations.

Not everyone uses it in a negative connotation. But nobody stops anyone else from doing so either.

What you are saying about the attitude toward non-kinky people is true, in many cases.

In addition to the frequent jokes made at the expense of "vanillas", in thread after thread and post after post people here compare themselves to "vanillas" and express superiority in terms of communication, sexual prowess & satisfaction, trust & commitment in relationships, etc.

It's insulting and absurd and in my opinion betrays a fundamental insecurity on the part of those kinky people who clearly feel the need to puff themselves up by putting non-kinky people down.

With regard to the statement in red, I'll note that it is impossible to control what others write on a public message board. However, there are some who call bullshit on blanket expressions of superiority made by the kinky.

See this thread for an example of what I'm talking about here.

 

[Recidiva]

What you are saying about the attitude toward non-kinky people is true, in many cases.

In addition to the frequent jokes made at the expense of "vanillas", in thread after thread and post after post people here compare themselves to "vanillas" and express superiority in terms of communication, sexual prowess & satisfaction, trust & commitment in relationships, etc.

It's insulting and absurd and in my opinion betrays a fundamental insecurity on the part of those kinky people who clearly feel the need to puff themselves up by putting non-kinky people down.

With regard to the statement in red, I'll note that it is impossible to control what others write on a public message board. However, there are some who call bullshit on blanket expressions of superiority made by the kinky.

See this thread for an example of what I'm talking about here.

Thank you for that thread reference. Perfect illustration of the phenomena that frustrates me in any context. Beautifully expressed by people who keep me coming back to read what they write.

 

[nh23]

What you are saying about the attitude toward non-kinky people is true, in many cases.

In addition to the frequent jokes made at the expense of "vanillas", in thread after thread and post after post people here compare themselves to "vanillas" and express superiority in terms of communication, sexual prowess & satisfaction, trust & commitment in relationships, etc.

It's insulting and absurd and in my opinion betrays a fundamental insecurity on the part of those kinky people who clearly feel the need to puff themselves up by putting non-kinky people down.

With regard to the statement in red, I'll note that it is impossible to control what others write on a public message board. However, there are some who call bullshit on blanket expressions of superiority made by the kinky.

See this thread for an example of what I'm talking about here.

i read that entire thread... and i just don't see it. The majority of the people who posted on there were saying that people are people. i didn't see any examples of people who are in vanilla relationships being put down.

 

[Recidiva]

i read that entire thread... and i just don't see it. The majority of the people who posted on there were saying that people are people. i didn't see any examples of people who are in vanilla relationships being put down.

I think that's my point. Some people see it glaringly. Some people don't see it. I suppose it depends on what you're looking for or at.

But if someone were to start a thread called:

A Question: Do you think that straight people in a relationship communicate better?

or

A Question: Do you think that gay people in a relationship communicate better?

or

A Question: Do you think that white people in a relationship communicate better?

This was a serious conversation. If I started a thread about straight, white, married people being superior somehow, I'd be burned at the stake in two seconds flat. For good reason.

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[Recidiva]

Exactly the reason why I started the "how long was your longest relationship?" thread in the Cafe. There was a sneaking suspicion that for all the talk, spoken and unspoken (and yes, I feel it is a prevalent opinion) that we are more open with our partners, communicate more, have more/more fulfilling sex, etc (not to say that we're better or anything), that probably our relationship life is no longer than your average non-kinked couple. It hasn't been disproven yet--long term relationships are the definite minority on the poll. Granted I haven't taken a comparison sample of the Other Side of the Tracks yet.

Jokingly I've compared this to the idea that you are in the entry room for a group that stands for strict vegetarianism and tofu.

Then you find all these cheeseburger and Twinkie receipts lying around and when you question it, you're tossed out on your ass for being disrespectful.

 

[WriterDom]

Exactly the reason why I started the "how long was your longest relationship?" thread in the Cafe. There was a sneaking suspicion that for all the talk, spoken and unspoken (and yes, I feel it is a prevalent opinion) that we are more open with our partners, communicate more, have more/more fulfilling sex, etc (not to say that we're better or anything), that probably our relationship life is no longer than your average non-kinked couple. It hasn't been disproven yet--long term relationships are the definite minority on the poll. Granted I haven't taken a comparison sample of the Other Side of the Tracks yet.

But you aren't taking into account that new plys and PLYs are popping up like pimples on a geek.

I bet on average there is a brand new sub looking for her first experience on one of the 3 forums at least every other day.

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[Recidiva]

Find any group of 3 or more people who share a common interest. In my experience, they will inevitably feel/talk/act like they're better* than those not in that group. I think it's the nature of belonging--you have to differentiate from the non-belongers. That leads to comparisons, which leads to "better/worse." I can't see any way around it so I mostly ignore it for a natural effect.

*Closer, more satisfied, more confident, more intelligent, more aware, more fun, better communicators, better lovers, better fighters, better caretakers, better role models, etc etc etc.

It's not inevitable in some. I guess I'm just spoiled and used to their company.

Tolerance and equality become a habit I find hard to break.

I suppose this makes me a proselytizer for tolerance and equality. Yeah, I think that's superior.

Hoist by my own petard.

 

[nh23]

I think that's my point. Some people see it glaringly. Some people don't see it. I suppose it depends on what you're looking for or at.

But if someone were to start a thread called:

A Question: Do you think that straight people in a relationship communicate better?

or

A Question: Do you think that gay people in a relationship communicate better?

or

A Question: Do you think that white people in a relationship communicate better?

This was a serious conversation. If I started a thread about straight, white, married people being superior somehow, I'd be burned at the stake in two seconds flat. For good reason.

i agree it was a serious thread, but i didn't see where anyone was saying that the lifestyle we lead is superior. But like you said some people see it... some people don't. i myself am not easily offended . For example i happen to be a BBW and i am also bisexual. These are both cases where often times people can be very cruel and feel they are superior because they have a better body or are living in a straight relationship. See if i was sensitive about things i would probally spend a lot of time boo hooing about how rude other people were. i choose to see things differently. i am who i am.. and if someone doesn't agree with who i am..well f them. i'm certainly not gonna dwell on how cruel they are.

 

[WriterDom]

True. But read through the posts made by established forumgoers. I was pleasantly reminded of a few relationships with longevity, but for the most part 1-5 years seems to be the mode.

And the odds of any marriage being successful is what? Less than 50%?

I've always held that bdsm people are no better or worse than the society they come from.

 

[Recidiva]

i agree it was a serious thread, but i didn't see where anyone was saying that the lifestyle we lead is superior. But like you said some people see it... some people don't. i myself am not easily offended . For example i happen to be a BBW and i am also bisexual. These are both cases where often times people can be very cruel and feel they are superior because they have a better body or are living in a straight relationship. See if i was sensitive about things i would probally spend a lot of time boo hooing about how rude other people were. i choose to see things differently. i am who i am.. and if someone doesn't agree with who i am..well f them. i'm certainly not gonna dwell on how cruel they are.

I'm hardly easily offended. But if I'm going to go on and ignore certain posters, certain tones, certain standards of behavior, I'm going to at least state why once, take it or leave it. No point in not saying it.

Fortunately for me the other phenomena of this board is the "private message" where people who agree with me will not do so on the board, but DAMN are they glad I said it. If every single person condemned me and showed my why, I'd be fine with it. That's enough for me to feel I've at least expressed something for myself and for others that rings true, take it or leave it.

You call someone a "nigger" or a "fag" I will not be offended personally, but I will tell you, at least once, that you're an offensive dick. From that point on, you're on your own with the niggers and the fags. They're tough, they can take it. I'm not saving anyone, I'm not fixing anything, but I am expressing my frustration. To do otherwise I consider to be apathy. I'll make liberal use of the ignore button and not dropping by if someone asks for an opinion or help or anything that I might otherwise respond to.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i agree it was a serious thread, but i didn't see where anyone was saying that the lifestyle we lead is superior. But like you said some people see it... some people don't. i myself am not easily offended . For example i happen to be a BBW and i am also bisexual. These are both cases where often times people can be very cruel and feel they are superior because they have a better body or are living in a straight relationship. See if i was sensitive about things i would probally spend a lot of time boo hooing about how rude other people were. i choose to see things differently. i am who i am.. and if someone doesn't agree with who i am..well f them. i'm certainly not gonna dwell on how cruel they are.

Great post, and I think you have hit the nail on the head about why people take offence in most situations on a forum, or in regular life. IMHO, in many circumstances it is more about the issues within the person who gets upset, than what has been said. I know there have been times when I have taken offence, but I also recognise that those times are usually based on particular sore points within me at that time. I may go back later and read the same post and wonder where I found anything offensive in it.

It is also about being an adult and not expecting everyone to love you, agree with you, or want to be just like you 100% of the time. We are all different, with different needs, wants, backgrounds, values, etc., so why expect others to be carbon copies of who we ourselves are, and if not, take immediate offence and start forum bashing to justify why we feel bad about who we are, because as you said, if you feel good and secure about who you are, it mattters little what someone else says to dispute that. Perhaps if some looked at why particular things made them feel bad, and addressed that, they might not feel offended so often.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Possibly, but there are enough examples of insulting vanilla people on this board that I've gotten a distaste for the term and its connotations.

Not everyone uses it in a negative connotation. But nobody stops anyone else from doing so either.

Okay, Recidiva, what would you have us call non-kinky, sexually mainstream people? Make it a SINGLE word. Short, sweet, too the point.

And please, please, pretty please show me a word for any ethnic, religious, or cultural group that _doesn't_ get used with negative connotations by some other group that doesn't like them...

You mean those Catholics? OMG!
Don't bother with the freaking Protestants...
And don't get me started on those heathen Muslims!

Those scifi geeks? They're as bad as the mundanes they try so hard to be different from...

OMG that is just so gay!

And I almost forgot about the trolls and HNG's we complain about here on Lit every damned day...

Welcome to the human race. We divide and catagorize, short-hand, and stereotype so we don't have to write or speak eleventy bazillion words to describe someone. Fuck the PC nonsense, people are going to be insulted from time to time, they need to develop thicker skins and get over it.

But I welcome suggestions on what to do about replacing vanilla. Who knows, maybe we'll even find a word that no one can think of a way to turn into a derogatory or insulting term.

 

[Recidiva]

Okay, Recidiva, what would you have us call non-kinky, sexually mainstream people? Make it a SINGLE word. Short, sweet, too the point.

And please, please, pretty please show me a word for any ethnic, religious, or cultural group that _doesn't_ get used with negative connotations by some other group that doesn't like them...

You mean those Catholics? OMG!
Don't bother with the freaking Protestants...
And don't get me started on those heathen Muslims!

Those scifi geeks? They're as bad as the mundanes they try so hard to be different from...

OMG that is just so gay!

And I almost forgot about the trolls and HNG's we complain about here on Lit every damned day...

Welcome to the human race. We divide and catagorize, short-hand, and stereotype so we don't have to write or speak eleventy bazillion words to describe someone. Fuck the PC nonsense, people are going to be insulted from time to time, they need to develop thicker skins and get over it.

But I welcome suggestions on what to do about replacing vanilla. Who knows, maybe we'll even find a word that no one can think of a way to turn into a derogatory or insulting term.

Picking on Sci Fi geeks is just cruel. If you start messing with people who like RPG's I'm going to start crying. I will love "The Dresden Files" and "Everquest II" until I die. DIE!

Again, I'm really hard to insult. And it's not about me. I'm not vanilla by any stretch of the imagination.

I even have a thread posted as a sample in this thread where personal attacks were shrugged off as humor. That's my stance. It's not about my armor or lack thereof, at all. It's about firing at all on a crowd. Go on and do it and say it's because that's the way the world is. However, if someone doesn't say "Knock that shit off" or "Grow up" when you dramatize acting like kids in a supposedly adult forum, the world won't get any different, will it?

 

[BiBunny]

I just woke up, so if I'm reading this wrong, feel free to correct me. If, however, it was my "that's why I don't bother with vanilla people" anymore comment that started this whole thing, let me explain what I meant. I was talking about vanilla people in the context of my own relationships. I don't bother pursuing relationships with them because neither party would be happy. I'm sorry I didn't make myself more clear.