My ex is a sadist and it broke us up - I need advice

[MTskibunny]

I have plenty of friends that are into different types of bondage and s&m. I am very open minded and I usually dont see anything wrong with it. My ex and I broke up because of our differences with sex.
When him and I first got to know eachother, he told me that he thought that sex was something special and sacred....that is to be shared amoung two people who love eachother. He said he was a virgin and he was waiting until marriage (he is 28). He really was a virgin. I told myself at first that I wouldnt take his virgnity. I came to realize over time that he really wasnt too concerned about waiting.....he sucks with women and I dont think he had many chances to lose it. I found out that he joined ALT.come and was thinknig about losing it on a one night stand. After I found that out, I didnt feel bad having sex.
We met online. As we got to know eachother better, we started talking more about sex and he started opening up about what he was into. He mentioned dom and sub, which i think is hot! Then....on our first date......he mentioned his biggest desire.....to try a mock rape. I was very taken back. I am NOT ok with that.....especially coming from some "christian" virgin. He dropped it.
I let him tie me up.....spank me.....give me orders......He started scaring me in bed. His personality instantly changed. Even when we were just lightly fooling around....he would tell me what he wants to do to me.....He was really into total control. He wanted me...spread eagle....tied up for days...helpless....he emphasized a lot about sneaking up on me and other girls....not knowing where he is....and "taking what he gives me".....he loved that phrase.
Like I said.....the whole s&m thing has never scared me....but he was scaring me. I asked him if we could chill on that whole scene and do other stuff. He calmed down a bit, but he still resorted to the sadistic thing a bit. I asked him if making love to me would ever be enough. At that time....he said that he thought so.
We dated about two weeks longer and we didnt have a lot of sex. He wasnt interested at all in sex. I felt horrible. By that time, I was already confused enough. He kept contradicting himself. The problem was, he didnt know what he wanted either. He was and is a very confused individual. We talked on the phone about the absence of sex and how things were differnet. He said that he has been lying to himself and he is confused. He said he cant have regular sex with me. He cant physically work or cum unless it has to do with sadism and humiliation. I asked for examples and he wouldnt tell me.....He said its just very dark. He also said he definitely cannot physically make love to me.
I think he is a full blown sadist. Most people I know who are into s&m are playing out a role of fantasy. I dont them as being that person. With my ex....he scares me.....do you think I should be concerned or do you think that is perfectly normal? Sadism broke my heart and it ruined our relationship. I hardly see it as harmless in this circumstance.

 

[Recidiva]

Very often what people say and believe theoretically, even claim to practice, is a reflection of their justification of who they want to be, not who they are.

He may not even know or acknowledge that, because he's bought his own press releases and believes them to be true.

You have my sympathies and the best advice I can give is to give relationships a very long time before you commit, and then realize that many people do not know themselves as well as they'd like to. It's your job to make that call yourself.

 

[MTskibunny]

I think he has a disorder. I wouldnt call s&m a disorder with most people. With him, I think he needs to seek counceling. He has some serious denial issues and sexual issues.


..........Or do you think this is perfectly normal?...........

 

[WriterDom]

I think one day we'll be reading about this nut in the paper. Just what we need. More bodies in a barrel.

 

[coy_one]

Um, no I don't think that is perfectly normal.

He needs help. If he doesn't go for help, well, honestly, it scares me the fact that he got off on the sadistic tendencies so much. I don't know much about sadists, but I have a feeling that it is an outward extension of feeling that they are not in control of their lives and these sadistic episodes have something to do with regaining that control. Maybe his rejection from women before has caused him to have these outrages. I don't know.

But, no, this is not normal behaviour, and frankly, I'd run for the hills from this guy.

 

[Filly Gal]

I think he has a disorder. I wouldnt call s&m a disorder with most people. With him, I think he needs to seek counceling. He has some serious denial issues and sexual issues.


..........Or do you think this is perfectly normal?...........

My advice is to move on ASAP!! This guy has a lot of anger issues, and a whole lot more so remove yourself from his life and be safe most of all!!

 

[MTskibunny]

Maybe his rejection from women before has caused him to have these outrages. I don't know.

Good call. Im pretty positive that is the cause. Women have been very cruel and mean to him. I think he has some rage againts women.

 

[Recidiva]

I think he has a disorder. I wouldnt call s&m a disorder with most people. With him, I think he needs to seek counceling. He has some serious denial issues and sexual issues.


..........Or do you think this is perfectly normal?...........

He has serious issues, and they're not yours to fix.

Run.

 

[RawHumor]

I'd say that he has clung to BDSM as a sort of excuse for his own behavior and mindset.

He's a kook. A sadistic kook is a dangerous kook.

 

[MTskibunny]

Thanks for the responses, thus far.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have plenty of friends that are into different types of bondage and s&m. I am very open minded and I usually dont see anything wrong with it. My ex and I broke up because of our differences with sex.
When him and I first got to know eachother, he told me that he thought that sex was something special and sacred....that is to be shared amoung two people who love eachother. He said he was a virgin and he was waiting until marriage (he is 28). He really was a virgin. I told myself at first that I wouldnt take his virgnity. I came to realize over time that he really wasnt too concerned about waiting.....he sucks with women and I dont think he had many chances to lose it. I found out that he joined ALT.come and was thinknig about losing it on a one night stand. After I found that out, I didnt feel bad having sex.
We met online. As we got to know eachother better, we started talking more about sex and he started opening up about what he was into. He mentioned dom and sub, which i think is hot! Then....on our first date......he mentioned his biggest desire.....to try a mock rape. I was very taken back. I am NOT ok with that.....especially coming from some "christian" virgin. He dropped it.
I let him tie me up.....spank me.....give me orders......He started scaring me in bed. His personality instantly changed. Even when we were just lightly fooling around....he would tell me what he wants to do to me.....He was really into total control. He wanted me...spread eagle....tied up for days...helpless....he emphasized a lot about sneaking up on me and other girls....not knowing where he is....and "taking what he gives me".....he loved that phrase.
Like I said.....the whole s&m thing has never scared me....but he was scaring me. I asked him if we could chill on that whole scene and do other stuff. He calmed down a bit, but he still resorted to the sadistic thing a bit. I asked him if making love to me would ever be enough. At that time....he said that he thought so.
We dated about two weeks longer and we didnt have a lot of sex. He wasnt interested at all in sex. I felt horrible. By that time, I was already confused enough. He kept contradicting himself. The problem was, he didnt know what he wanted either. He was and is a very confused individual. We talked on the phone about the absence of sex and how things were differnet. He said that he has been lying to himself and he is confused. He said he cant have regular sex with me. He cant physically work or cum unless it has to do with sadism and humiliation. I asked for examples and he wouldnt tell me.....He said its just very dark. He also said he definitely cannot physically make love to me.
I think he is a full blown sadist. Most people I know who are into s&m are playing out a role of fantasy. I dont them as being that person. With my ex....he scares me.....do you think I should be concerned or do you think that is perfectly normal? Sadism broke my heart and it ruined our relationship. I hardly see it as harmless in this circumstance.

I have a lot of issues with your posts but if I post them, I'll be gang flamed. Big time.

I will say this however, I know a lot of sadists who are not "playing out a role of fantasy." Many of my friends are in fact sadists. I know that my version of S/M is not role play. I am a masochist, by the definition that works for me.

 

[BiBunny]

I have a lot of issues with your posts but if I post them, I'll be gang flamed. Big time.

I will say this however, I know a lot of sadists who are not "playing out a role of fantasy." I know a lot of sadists who I call friends, in fact. I know that my version of S/M is not role play. I am a masochist, by the definition that works for me.

*Waves to ADR* Glad to know I'm not the only bitch who a.) had issues with the post (but knew better than to open that particular can of worms), b.) doesn't "fantasy role play," and c.) loves me some sadists.

 

[A Desert Rose]

*Waves to ADR* Glad to know I'm not the only bitch who a.) had issues with the post (but knew better than to open that particular can of worms), b.) doesn't "fantasy role play," and c.) loves me some sadists.

And hi-de-ho to you too, dolly.

I don't know one sadist who says he "role plays" that mindset. I know I can't "role play" being a masochist.

Having a sexual fantasy is one thing, carrying it off is quite another.

I just can't stomach being flamed anymore... yanno? ;-D

 

[BiBunny]

And hi-de-ho to you too, dolly.

I don't know one sadist who says he "role plays" that mindset. I know I can't "role play" being a masochist.

Having a sexual fantasy is one thing, carrying it off is quite another.

I just can't stomach being flamed anymore... yanno? ;-D

I can't imagine "role playing" it, either. I'm as much sadist as masochist, depending on my mood and who I'm playing with, and the headspaces I get into on top or on bottom are genuine.

And, yes, I know. I'm not in the mood for a flame war, either.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have a lot of issues with your posts but if I post them, I'll be gang flamed. Big time.

I will say this however, I know a lot of sadists who are not "playing out a role of fantasy." Many of my friends are in fact sadists. I know that my version of S/M is not role play. I am a masochist, by the definition that works for me.

*Waves to ADR* Glad to know I'm not the only bitch who a.) had issues with the post (but knew better than to open that particular can of worms), b.) doesn't "fantasy role play," and c.) loves me some sadists.

*Waves to ADR and Bunny.*

Why is it that AngelicAssassin, Evil_Geoff, DVS, and Marquis are all pretty sadistic bastards (I mean that in a nice way ), and accepted as such, but this guy no one knows outside of this third party post, is so obviously sick/bad for being sadistic?

I'm not sure I'd label the young man as sick, but it does sound like he hasn't quite yet figured out how to safely (well... responsibly) embrace his sadism. Just as there are people who crave and need pain/humiliation/fear in order to get off, there are people who need to create those sensations in order to get off. Ying Yang and all that...

There are quite a few people in BDSM who get off on "mock rape"... I believe it's actually one of the most common taboo fantasies. Pulling off a rape to be realistic, without ending up in jail, however, is a rather tall order. I think Evil_Geoff posted about doing a rape scene at one time... or maybe it was JMohegan... anywhooo....

Your interests didn't match up with his interests. It doesn't mean he's going to end up stuffing some chick in an oil drum, or that he's an evil unbalanced person... it means he has sexual desires that are darker than your's. Big deal. Hopefully, he can find a non-judgemental place to discuss those interests, and learn to express them in a responsible manner.

 

[Recidiva]

And hi-de-ho to you too, dolly.

I don't know one sadist who says he "role plays" that mindset. I know I can't "role play" being a masochist.

Having a sexual fantasy is one thing, carrying it off is quite another.

I just can't stomach being flamed anymore... yanno? ;-D

Wouldn't being flamed work into the masochist mindset?

Help me out here.

 

[CutieMouse]

Wouldn't being flamed work into the masochist mindset?

Help me out here.

Fireplay?

Possibly, yes.

Flamed as in being judged and beat down for not going along with the picturebook idea of BDSM?

No.

 

[Recidiva]

Fireplay?

Possibly, yes.

Flamed as in being judged and beat down for not going along with the picturebook idea of BDSM?

No.

Hehe.

Well, I think the problem is that seeking a masochist to play with is fine. Seeing all the world as masochists because you're a sadist, not.

The basis of relationship is trust. And when you're dealing with levels of pain and danger, trust is even more necessary.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I can't imagine "role playing" it, either. I'm as much sadist as masochist, depending on my mood and who I'm playing with, and the headspaces I get into on top or on bottom are genuine.

And, yes, I know. I'm not in the mood for a flame war, either.

Actually, this guy she's posting about sounds like my current Dom/lover and my previous one. LOL They are/were always talking about things they'd like to do to me. That translates to sexual fantasy. And the things they actually did/do do (do/do aaahahahahha) was certainly bad/pleasant enough.

And thank you Cutie for articulating it so well. Well done! Most of your points were the same as mine.

My first thought was probably the same as yours... where is Geoff when you need him??? LOL

 

[BiBunny]

*Waves to CM*

Recidiva, I don't think that I see everyone in the world as a masochist just because I'm a sadist. I don't think I see everyone as a sadist just because I'm a masochist, either. In my opinion, just because two people aren't well-matched in their desires doesn't make either person's desires less valid. It's also why I don't bother with playing with vanilla folk anymore; there's no sense in making things more complicated than they have to be.

 

[BiBunny]

Actually, this guy she's posting about sounds like my current Dom/lover and my previous one. LOL They are/were always talking about things they'd like to do to me. That translates to sexual fantasy. And the things they actually did/do do (do/do aaahahahahha) was certainly bad/pleasant enough.

And thank you Cutie for articulating it so well. Well done! Most of your points were the same as mine.

My first thought was probably the same as yours... where is Geoff when you need him??? LOL

You were posting while I was. B.'s that way, too. He's always talking about what he'd like to do to me. Just because I have snuff fantasies, and he fantasizes about using me and then murdering me does NOT mean that he's really going to drown me in his bathtub.

I still love sadists.

 

[Recidiva]

*Waves to CM*

Recidiva, I don't think that I see everyone in the world as a masochist just because I'm a sadist. I don't think I see everyone as a sadist just because I'm a masochist, either. In my opinion, just because two people aren't well-matched in their desires doesn't make either person's desires less valid. It's also why I don't bother with playing with vanilla folk anymore; there's no sense in making things more complicated than they have to be.

I was just talking about the person described in the opening post, not anyone else.

Unless you're trying to beat me up. In that case, you'd have to try harder. (in case that's not clear, I'm editing to clarify and not be misinterpreted. You'd be better at picking your prospective mates.)

 

[BiBunny]

I was just talking about the person described in the opening post, not anyone else.

Unless you're trying to beat me up. In that case, you'd have to try harder. (in case that's not clear, I'm editing to clarify and not be misinterpreted. You'd be better at picking your prospective mates.)

I know you were talking about the person in the OP. My brain is not really in high gear today, but I was trying to point out to the OP that just because she is weirded out by this guy doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be doing hard time in the Pen one day.

*Bows out of the conversation because I think I'm muddying the waters more than I'm clarifying them at the moment*

 

[A Desert Rose]

You were posting while I was. B.'s that way, too. He's always talking about what he'd like to do to me. Just because I have snuff fantasies, and he fantasizes about using me and then murdering me does NOT mean that he's really going to drown me in his bathtub.

I still love sadists.

I do too!!! Love 'em indeedy. LOL

The last 2 Doms I've been in love with (in real life) and some of Doms I know here (AA and Geoff for example) have very dark sides. That kind of dark side doesn't appeal to everyone. Not every submissive is interested in humiliation. Not every submissive is into mmmm whatever... but like you said, that doesn't make their opinion less valid or unimportant. It means that this particular guy is too intense in some areas that this OP does not want to venture into. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with her for knowing that there are certain places she's just not interested in going. I say good for her for being cautious and knowing her mind.

But I'm just not so quick to call this guy another John Robinson. He sounds too much like the men I've loved and love. ;-) And they've never permenately harmed me or tried to stuff me in an oil drum.

 

[MTskibunny]

This IS a big deal. I had a very serious relationship with this man. He lied to me and himself, which caused a lot of hurt. Its not like we hooked up one night and decided that we didnt work sexually. This destroyed an entire relationship. That is hardly harmless.

If you cannot function sexually without S&M, I feel that you need to bring that up right away.

Like I said, I dont see anything wrong with s&m. I think that with this particular circumstance, there is more going on with the guy.


Do you think its ok to be sadistic or just sexually sadistic?


I think that sexual sadism can be fine, but I dont think that actual sadism is ok. I think there is a gray area for a lot of people. Do you thin that there can be a complete sepperation from sexual sadism and having sadistic tendencies in any other aspect of your life?