My editors have not gotten back to me so...

[Never]

Here's the deal. I had some people promise they would look at a story for me, it seems they're too busy. I'm not looking for 'editing' – I just have six pages so far and wanted some feedback before I finish it.

Meaning: Does it suck? If so, why? If not, why?

I am an amateur who mostly writes on the weekend and would rather not wait another twelve pages (3-4 weeks) before I learn that the story isn't interesting. So, I'll post the story here and if anyone wants to comment, they may.

Cool?

 

[Never]

A hard, dark rain had spread across the city. It pounded the colors from the night air, turning everything into a blurred and weary slate. V. stood in the rain, as oblivious as any cathedral gargoyle to the water that dripped down her blood-red curls to soak the shoulders of her black monk's wool jacket. A bolt of lightening tore the darkness with sharp crack. Her pupils dilated until they were black pinpricks on a sea of hazel. She saw the lightening as an icy white and burning blue serpent springing from the ground to snap at the bloated bellies of the rain clouds.

Then she saw nothing.
Her vision returned with a painful slowness. When she blinked the air was full of sharp, shining lights that floated through her vision.

"Are you coming in, V?" Jeh's voice called from within the apartment suite.

V turned from her solitary vigil on the balcony, "Do you want me to be?" she replied.
"I'm finished with the palimpsest for tonight, if that's what you mean."
"Ah." V said to herself. The glass door to the balcony was already opened a crack. It gave a wet, soft whine as she slid it open completely and drew back the heavy, indigo curtain.

"Mind you don't get my carpet wet with your boots again." Said Jeh as V stepped in. Jeh didn't bother to look up from the calfskin bound volume that lay on her lap. She held a glass of Muscadet in one hand while she idly ran a finger over a gold embossed illumination of a Feng Huang – the Chinese phoenix. It's body and wings were a fiery aureate while it's tail plumage was that of a peacock, impossibly long feathers of jade and turquoise.

V shut the door, brushed what drops she could from her jacket, and carefully wiped her black leather boots on the mat. The room felt hot to her, warmth rolled from the central fireplace and caused her pale cheeks to flush.

"You don't have to keep that burning all day, Jeh."
"But it's rained all day. Besides, its not day anymore, now is it?"
V. shrugged in reply. The gesture was lost on Jeh. "Is it time to go?" she asked.

Now Jeh looked up, her smoky gray eyes slightly unfocused. It was the look of someone waking from a daydream. "I don't know. What time is it?"
"It's a little after nine."
"We have plenty of time."
"I want to get there early." V. replied.
"I'll have to get dressed... maybe take a shower."
"I'll wait." V continued to stand at the balcony door, her hands clasped behind her back.

Jeh only nodded in reply and stretched her legs out from under her. She folded the edge of the page she had been looking at and set the volume upon the glass coffee table before her. V watched in silence as Jeh stood and stretched. Her shear, light peach clothing might have been silken, oriental eveningwear save that much of Jeh's brown, almond-milk colored skin showed under it. Jeh looked at V again, searching the other woman's smooth, passionless face.

"You can sit down, you know."
"I prefer not to."
"Have it your way. I'll return shortly."

Jeh was true to her word and within half an hour they were both in the backseat of Jeh's car as Everett, her manservant, drove them to La Vita Dolce. The rain continued to fall on the just and unjust alike. The streets were never empty but tonight they came close. It was not so much the rain as the chill nor'eastern that accompanied it, tossing the water under umbrellas and into the face or slithering past layers of clothing to run its cold fingers up helpless backs.

The women sat side by side in the back compartment but each traveled in their own bubbles. V. let the steady beat of the windshield wipers and the tapping of rain relax her mind and muscles. There was something about the wipers' rhythm and the way it echoed in the solid chest of the car that she always found soothing. Jeh, on the other hand, fidgeted. She reapplied her lipstick and eyeliner. She slipped her fingers through the ebon forest of her long hair to part its many curls. She adjusted her necklace; it was a sapphire cut in silver that nestled in the hollow of her neck. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, studying the way her thighs looked under the slick saffron and bottle green dress she wore.

When she finally could find nothing wrong with her appearance she turned her eye to V. Her three-fourth length jacket was only buttoned to her waist. It was cut oddly, smooth and tailored on her torso yet flowing at the legs. There was something vaguely old fashioned about the style, as though it were designed for riding a horse or some other non-quotidian activity.

"Do you always wear black?" Jeh asked.
"Yes."
"Why? It doesn't suit your coloring."

V. studied her hands, turning them so they were palm up. "I don't have coloring."
"That's where you're wrong. You do. I'd call it nuclear winter. You're so white you're almost blue."

"I'm Scottish and I burn horribly under the sun." V. replied and placed her hands back on her kneecaps, as if that were reason enough.

"Redheads and vampires. So, why do you wear black? You might be young enough for the goth look but don't strike me as the moody type."

V. seemed to think about this. "To make the world a brighter place, I try to carry off a little darkness on my back."
"The world isn't any brighter. You look like you're dressed for a funeral."
"Maybe I am."

There was a silence in the car, then. It pressed lightly upon the ears of all its occupants.
"Don't be foolish." Jeh's normally euphonous voice held a snappish undertone.
"I have never been accused of being foolish."
"As long as we have everything, we'll be fine."
"It's all in here." V replied. Nodding to indicate the large, leather surgeon's bag between her solidly planted feet.

Suddenly the car speaker crackled to life and out flowed Everett's crisp, precise voice, "Pardon me. But we are almost there Ms. Maradi."
"Excellent." Said Jeh and addressed V. again. "Now, if you will stop being so macabre, I hope to have a pleasantly productive evening."

La Vita Dolce sat on the thirty-third floor and the roof of the Highland Plaza Building. From one side the city stretched out, glittering like jewels tossed on velvet, and on the other lay the open arms of the harbor, it's waters extending beyond human vision. It was the type of restaurant that provided men with ties and jackets if they'd neglected to bring their own. Jeh gave her name to the maitre d'hotel and they were led to the restaurant's side exit, through the kitchen area, and into the cool cement of storage where Jeh's heels clicked and echoed on the hard floor. There, three men waited for them. They were all Chinese and two of them were tall and broad shouldered. V focused on the muscle. She caught the hint of a tattoo where the sleeve of one's suit ended and both had bulky outline of handguns under their black jackets. They flanked the oldest man, who wore a gray Armani suit and stood no taller than Jeh. His hair was lightly turning at the temples but he seemed quite fit. His expression was one of polite interest and Jeh wondered if only she felt any excitement about tonight's activities.

"I know my associate and I are early." Jeh began. "I hope it's not inconvenient."
"Not at all." The older man said. "I have been quite eager to meet you in person, Ms. Maradi. I am Hsiao Jiong. You didn't tell me you were bringing other along."
"Forgive me, Mr Hsiao. This is... ah, how do you pronounce it?"
"Vardharasajuga-kshai" V. replied without missing a beat.
"Right, but I just call her V." Jeh continued. "She is a servant of Madame Isadora, a friend of mine."

The man's eyes lit up slightly and he began to study V with unconcealed interest, "How very unexpected. Yes, I've heard of Isadora and the unusual nature of her servants. That doesn't explain why you are here though."
V opened her mouth to speak but Jeh cut her off. "Isadora is a collector of sorts. If you've been able to procure the creature I've been seeking she hopes to do business with you as well."

"Of course," The man rubbed his hands together. "I assume you'll want to inspect the merchandise immediately. The bird is in a cage in the other room. If you have your payment?" At this, he turned his eyes from Jeh to the leather bag V held.

"Of course. V." Jeh said. One of the tall men stepped forward.
V didn't move but stared the man in the eyes. "Perhaps it would be better if we saw the specimen first. Made certain it is in proper condition."
"V, that is no way to treat our new friends. Give him the scroll case."

V frowned. "As you wish." Her tone was less than gracious but she complied and handed the leather bag over. The younger man cradled the bottom of the bag in him arm and unclasped the silver metal lock that secured it. His face split into a grin as he pulled an enormous scroll case from the bag. Hundreds of dragons slithered over its surface, carved from jade and ivory.

"Just don't open it while we're around." V told him. He ignored her and handed it to Hsiao.

"Beautiful. A true treasure." Hsiao whispered. He ran his fingers over its smooth ivory. "I can feel the heat radiating from it."

"I'm glad you approve. I should hate to think a masterpiece like that would end up with one who did not recognize its worth." Jeh said. There had been tightness at the base of her shoulders for hours now and she could feel it began to loosen. Despite V's macabre predictions, everything was going smoothly.

Hsiao continued to stare at the scrollcase. He weighed it in his hand and studied its ornate carvings. Finally, he handed it back to the goon, who promptly returned it to the surgeon's bag and snapped it shut.

"And for my end of the deal." Hsiao said, the corners of his lips lifted in half a smile. "Come this way. I am certain you will likewise approve." He led them further back into the storage area and stopped before a low crate covered with a canvas tarp. He gathered the rough cloth in one hand and then tossed it back with a smooth flourish. Heartbeats passed in silence as all but Hsiao stared at the beast within.

It was the Feng Huang from Jeh's book yet the pictures had done it little justice. It's feathers shone like burnished brass in lustrous hues of gold, crimson, dark greens, and blues that almost seemed to ripple along its proud back and tail. Jeh's lips parted slightly as the scent of hot cinnamon rushed to her. It was the smell of water over sand and desert dunes. She stepped forward unconsciously and she met its eyes. They seemed to burn with an intelligence that was neither bestial nor human.
"Marvelous." She whispered.

Hsiao smirked, "I am pleased that Madam Maradi finds it so." He stepped forward and placed a hand on Jeh's suddenly weak shoulder. "If you will permit it, I would be honored if you, and your companion, dined with me tonight. I shall have my men load the cage into a van. They will transport it to wherever you desire when you are ready."

"It's genuine." Jeh murmured to herself then looked at Hsiao as if she only now noticed his presence. Her doe like grey eyes focused once more. "Indeed, Signor Hsiao. I would be more than pleased."

He smiled, causing tiny wrinkles to form at the corner of his dark eyes. "Then come this way please. I have had my chiefs prepare our house specialties and hope you find them to your liking."
"I've heard fantastic reviews of the food here. I'm certain I'll be more than delighted."

They went on that way as V stalked them in silence and Hsiao's bodyguards brought up the rear. Hsiao led them upstairs to a private dining room with four places already set. A group of three black clad waiters stood to the side with platters of steaming food behind them, ready to serve. Hsiao pulled a seat back for Jeh and a waiter did the same for V. After both women seated themselves Hsiao and the goon who had taken the bag sat as well. As for the bag, it appeared to have disappeared. The other bodyguards exited seated themselves several tables away and dinner was served.

"I don't believe I've caught your name," Jeh said to the goon who had joined them at the table. Around them waiters served a light tossed salad.
"Janri," he replied.
"Janri is my right hand man," Hsiao spoke up. "He has served me faithfully for three hundred years."

Jeh's eyes widened. "Very impressive," she said. She knew her hosts were aged but had not expected to be given the man's age so casually. She stabbed a radish from her salad, it had been carved to look like a flower, and bit into it. As she chewed, she realized she was the only one eating.

"Do you not like salads, V?" she asked.
"I'm not hungry." V responded. Her palms rested on either side of her dish. Something about her reminded Jeh of a wary dog.
"Try it." Jeh said, "You'll get your appetite soon enough." The redhead looked at her, shrugged, and began to eat the spinach. Jeh wondered if V choose to obey her of if she had been compelled. She would have to speak with Isadora at length, after this.

The salads were finally taken away - neither of the men had touched theirs – and fettuccine with mussels took their place. Hsiao and Jeh chatted quietly while V and Janri exchanged a silent hostility.

"...of course I've heard of the yuki. I spent three years in Japan. There were sightings in the mountains but I never saw one." Jeh sipped at her white wine.
"I saw one once." Hsiao said. "Obviously, it did me no harm she was beautiful. Her soft, white figure almost melded with the moonlight and the air around her was so still and chill. I could feel the warm air being drawn from my lungs as she drifted pass me. The horse I rode on went wild though and began to paw at the air. By the time I controlled the beast again she was gone."

Jeh smiled as Hsiao's eyes shone like a man describing his lost love. The wine was making her warm and sleepy. "Once, I was diving in the waters off of the keys. It was night but the ocean was still warm and five dolphins appeared. They were curious and let me pet them. I swam along side them, sometimes one would let me hold its dorsal fin and give me a ride. All of a sudden, I spot another woman swimming in the water with us –"

"Is this the one where you see a mermaid?" V's said abruptly. Jeh turned to V in irritation. How had she learned that?

"Yes," Jeh continued in an icy tone. "Her lower half was aqueous." She finished by draining her glass. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to powder my nose." Let V sit there in whatever awkward silence she could muster. She stood and looked at Hsiao. She planned on asking him where the restroom was. She succeeded only in losing her balance sitting back in the chair with a crash. A black curl flung itself across her eye and she brushed it back angrily. All eyes at the table stared at her and she licked her lips in confusion.

"I'm sorry..." she muttered.

V rose and suddenly her dish was flying into Janri's face. There was a wet smack as the pasta and cutlery hit his face and bounced of onto the red carpet of the floor. His face became a snarling mask and he lunged toward V who had managed to produce two very nasty, curved knives from the air. The two rolled across the floor as Jeh's brain and mouth struggled to produce anything that might end the fight.

"Madam Maradi." Hsiao said calmly. He had managed to move to her side without her noticing. He placed a strong hand on her shoulder. "I think it best if we retire for the evening."

"They're fighting" she said stupidly. There was a sharp pain in her shoulder and his fingers pinched into her muscle. She felt dizzy and the pain increased, traveling up into her head. There was a loud, angry whimper behind her and then darkness swallowed her.

 

[BlackSnake]

Never, I'm sorry the editor haven't gotten back to you.

There is the Story Feedback forum for such things, but since you posted it here I'll give you my two cents worth.

 

[BlackSnake]

A good beginning to a horror/action story. I didn't find it erotic at all, but very well written with good descriptive details. The Feng Huang confused me. At first I thought you were describing it a greenish, but then it turned out to be gold, red, green, and blue. Oh, in the opening paragraph, I would have called the jack a cloak. You seemed to be describing it as such..."black monk's wool jacket"

Remember, it is a porn site. You have a fight scene, but a sex scene should be as exciting.

 

[Never]

Um, there's no sex in the story.

 

[BlackSnake]

Um, there's no sex in the story.

See, I didn't even have to point that out to you. I wasn't being a smart ass, just pointing out the obvious, like no sex scenes involving characters under 18.

It is a good being, but I'm looking at it as if you intended to post it here on Lit. It needs at least one sex scene, and judging by your skills, it would be one heck-of-a scene.

 

[Never]

BlackSnake:
"It is a good being, but I'm looking at it as if you intended to post it here on Lit. It needs at least one sex scene, and judging by your skills, it would be one heck-of-a scene."

Er, no it doesn't have to be a sex scene if I post it at Lit. I've submitted non-erotic fiction in the past.

Thank you very much though. I shall now go forth with great fluster and write the rest.

 

[BlackSnake]

BlackSnake:
"It is a good being, but I'm looking at it as if you intended to post it here on Lit. It needs at least one sex scene, and judging by your skills, it would be one heck-of-a scene."

Er, no it doesn't have to be a sex scene if I post it at Lit. I've submitted non-erotic fiction in the past.

Thank you very much though. I shall now go forth with great fluster and write the rest.

LOL....I surely forgot about that. Well, make sure you notify me when it is up.

Cheers

 

[BlackSnake]

Re: just curious

were they editors from LIT? Or just friends?

I have waited and waited and quit waiting
but still no reply from the editors I selected from
the list offered by lit? I am sure it is not a fault
with lit but perhaps editors are busy or
just don't reply. or perhaps didn't get
my feedback / asking for an editor...

anyway I like the start of this story or its
mystique nature and the lure you use,
the names are catchy and metaphor
placed well. Looking for this tale to
blossom and post <grin>

If editors had a gold star by their username when they are on would also be great to have, so we could easily ID them. Keep checking this forum, editors to come here and float about. I wouldn't be surprised if you got a PM with an offer....I'm not an editor here, just a writer that benefit from their help.

 

[My Erotic Tale]

just curious

were they editors from LIT? Or just friends?

I have waited and waited and quit waiting
but still no reply from the editors I selected from
the list offered by lit? I am sure it is not a fault
with lit but perhaps editors are busy or
just don't reply. or perhaps didn't get
my feedback / asking for an editor...

anyway I like the start of this story or its
mystique nature and the lure you use,
the names are catchy and metaphor
placed well. Looking for this tale to
blossom and post <grin>