My dirty dream

[BCV]

Somewhere there is a door meant to be open.
Somewhere there is a window thats been broken.

Somewhere there is a whore who should be choked.
Tied up with rope and overdosed on dope.

Murder, murder, suicide, suicide.
She didn't have my money she deserved to die.

Sadistically laughing grabbing my nuts.
Stroking my cock as I piss in her butt.

 

[AChild]

????

Man you can't kill the hoes. They can't bring you any money if they are dead.
I am going to offer you some critque. <----spell check

The poem is too short without grabbing me. I mean I get that it is a dream because you told me but beyond that the only things the jump out from the page is the obscenity. It seems to me like your sacrificing content for rhymes. The first two lies don't really go with the poem. Take me to the street. Describe the trash in the gutter. How did it feel to mangle a throat? Was she skinny could you feel her bones like crushing a giant centerpede or was she fat? And choking her was like kneading a brioche dough struggling to get to the wind pipe?

Keep writing. Keep posting.

 

[bflagsst]

the adjective "sadistically" isn't necessary, the acts are clearly sadistic. I know it's a dream, but the line about pissing in your victim's ass doesn't really follow with the more serious intent of your poem. Unless it's satire.

 

[annaswirls]

How did it feel to mangle a throat? Was she skinny could you feel her bones like crushing a giant centerpede or was she fat? And choking her was like kneading a brioche dough struggling to get to the wind pipe?

you are one sick mother fucker

 

[AChild]

What you say about my Mama?

 

[annaswirls]

What you say about my Mama?

um... she is a giant centipede

 

[Safe_Bet]

What you say about my Mama?

Your mama is SO ______________

(Fill in the rest yourself - you know her better...)

 

[AChild]

Your mama is so fat she uses diet soap.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Your mama is so fat she deep fries her toothpaste.

 

[BCV]

Man you can't kill the hoes. They can't bring you any money if they are dead.
I am going to offer you some critque. <----spell check

The poem is too short without grabbing me. I mean I get that it is a dream because you told me but beyond that the only things the jump out from the page is the obscenity. It seems to me like your sacrificing content for rhymes. The first two lies don't really go with the poem. Take me to the street. Describe the trash in the gutter. How did it feel to mangle a throat? Was she skinny could you feel her bones like crushing a giant centerpede or was she fat? And choking her was like kneading a brioche dough struggling to get to the wind pipe?

Keep writing. Keep posting.

I can dig this advice