My Daughter
- Thread starter DMGCNTRL
- Start date
Spirit_hope
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2001
- Posts
- 3
The value of being polite
I'm 22, so I'm not that much older than your daughter, and I can tell her that the difference between being polite and not being polite is one of being successful or not being.
"Please", "thank you", "you're welcome" and other basic nicenesses means that people will want you around, will cover your back when it's necessary, and think of you when they are looking for somebody to share something good with. If you are rude, you will find yourself alone and lonely, disliked, and ignored.
Before you roll your eyes at me, and say that you have friends and that they "have your back" I want you to know that I'm looking at this from the longer view... my sister and I had this very same conversation about 3 years ago, and she said, "I don't need you or your advise. I don't have to be polite, because the world sucks, and I have friends to "cover my back"." She's now jobless, because she couldn't get along with customers, or her boss, she's got no friends "covering her back -- when she was homeless a couple of months ago, nobody took her in... they were going to let her go homeless and sleep on the streets, and she's pregnant, going through it by herself, because she burned her bridges by being demanding, rude and unpleasant.
Yeah, honey, the world sucks. and yeah, it's likely that you just don't care what people think of you, but be careful what bridges you burn, because you never know which road you'll need access to later.
I'm 22, so I'm not that much older than your daughter, and I can tell her that the difference between being polite and not being polite is one of being successful or not being.
"Please", "thank you", "you're welcome" and other basic nicenesses means that people will want you around, will cover your back when it's necessary, and think of you when they are looking for somebody to share something good with. If you are rude, you will find yourself alone and lonely, disliked, and ignored.
Before you roll your eyes at me, and say that you have friends and that they "have your back" I want you to know that I'm looking at this from the longer view... my sister and I had this very same conversation about 3 years ago, and she said, "I don't need you or your advise. I don't have to be polite, because the world sucks, and I have friends to "cover my back"." She's now jobless, because she couldn't get along with customers, or her boss, she's got no friends "covering her back -- when she was homeless a couple of months ago, nobody took her in... they were going to let her go homeless and sleep on the streets, and she's pregnant, going through it by herself, because she burned her bridges by being demanding, rude and unpleasant.
Yeah, honey, the world sucks. and yeah, it's likely that you just don't care what people think of you, but be careful what bridges you burn, because you never know which road you'll need access to later.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
A bit of advice from Literature
In the mid-fifties, Raobert A. Heinlein wrote _Podkayne of Mars_ which features a teenage heroine. A bit of advice that has stuck with me since I first read the book, is "Always learn to say thank-you in the local language."
It has stuck, because it's good advice that helped tremendously when stationed in foreign countries around the world.
There is much other good advice on manners in that and other RAH books, because he believed the only justifiable Capital Crime was bad manners.
One question for Dad: What sort of harrassing was she blocked for and what provoked it?
Some very nice and polite people here have on occasion misunderstood a post, or over-reacted to a hostile post by "harrassing" and flaming those who offended them. It makes me wonder if your daughter is the only one at fault.
Losing your cool and responding in kind is basic human nature, but letting anger or frustration over-rule a reasoned and logical response is different only in scale from Palestinians, Shiites, or Chechnians(sp) bombing the "oppressors" cities and schools.
Manners are the lubrication that keeps society functioning. If you indulge in, or ignore bad manners, then you contribute to society's downfall -- not to mention getting banned from chat-rooms, and making enemies out of those who might become friends.
In the mid-fifties, Raobert A. Heinlein wrote _Podkayne of Mars_ which features a teenage heroine. A bit of advice that has stuck with me since I first read the book, is "Always learn to say thank-you in the local language."
It has stuck, because it's good advice that helped tremendously when stationed in foreign countries around the world.
There is much other good advice on manners in that and other RAH books, because he believed the only justifiable Capital Crime was bad manners.
One question for Dad: What sort of harrassing was she blocked for and what provoked it?
Some very nice and polite people here have on occasion misunderstood a post, or over-reacted to a hostile post by "harrassing" and flaming those who offended them. It makes me wonder if your daughter is the only one at fault.
Losing your cool and responding in kind is basic human nature, but letting anger or frustration over-rule a reasoned and logical response is different only in scale from Palestinians, Shiites, or Chechnians(sp) bombing the "oppressors" cities and schools.
Manners are the lubrication that keeps society functioning. If you indulge in, or ignore bad manners, then you contribute to society's downfall -- not to mention getting banned from chat-rooms, and making enemies out of those who might become friends.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
Different places have different rules. If your daughter closed her eyes, clicked her heels together three times and wished hard to be Someplace Else, and it worked, she might find herself on some remote South Pacific island being stared at by the natives. Surely she wouldn't expect to behave with them the way she behaves with her friends at the mall, right?
All life is that way. We're constantly cozying up to new challenges in terms of our responses to other people. New places on the net, i.e., teen chat rooms for teens, are just another challenge. As we would if surrounded by large natives on some remote island, our best manners should be front and center until we know what sort of behavior is acceptable in the new place.
After we know the culture of a place, then, maybe, we'll understand why is it not okay (or, conversely, really okay) to begin some little flame war. If we find ourselves in a place where flaming is not okay, and we love the who rush of flaming, then we need to go find ourselves another chat room, hmm?
Human culture is fascinating. It changes so radically from place to place, from group to group, and provides an overview into what we're capable of, interpersonally, as humans. On a more basic level, it often offers the solace and warmth of like-minded people off whom we can bounce ideas and with which we may tease and joke. From this perspective, hanging in a chat room (or on a BB, or in a MUD, or on IRC or any of the rest of the zillion net "places" to call home) is just the same as hanging in your local teen center or at a particular coffee shop.
Good manners, which includes waiting to understand the culture of a place before dropping verbal bombs, will always be welcome in such places, RL or VR
All life is that way. We're constantly cozying up to new challenges in terms of our responses to other people. New places on the net, i.e., teen chat rooms for teens, are just another challenge. As we would if surrounded by large natives on some remote island, our best manners should be front and center until we know what sort of behavior is acceptable in the new place.
After we know the culture of a place, then, maybe, we'll understand why is it not okay (or, conversely, really okay) to begin some little flame war. If we find ourselves in a place where flaming is not okay, and we love the who rush of flaming, then we need to go find ourselves another chat room, hmm?
Human culture is fascinating. It changes so radically from place to place, from group to group, and provides an overview into what we're capable of, interpersonally, as humans. On a more basic level, it often offers the solace and warmth of like-minded people off whom we can bounce ideas and with which we may tease and joke. From this perspective, hanging in a chat room (or on a BB, or in a MUD, or on IRC or any of the rest of the zillion net "places" to call home) is just the same as hanging in your local teen center or at a particular coffee shop.
Good manners, which includes waiting to understand the culture of a place before dropping verbal bombs, will always be welcome in such places, RL or VR
CreamyLady
Uncompromising Visionary
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2000
- Posts
- 2,685
If she lost her temper, perhaps she should learn the walk away defense: log off, shut down, and walk away from the computer. Cool off, do something else, clear the mind.
One can disagree with a statement or opinion without personal attack. Most quarrels escalate when personalities, rather than issues, become the focus.
My mother has a gift; she doesn't have to raise her voice, and is unfailingly polite, but her choice of words can be devastating to one who has offended her. She also has a manner that we describe as Queen Victoria, unamused on steroids, that can freeze people to the marrow in a nanosecond.
Perhaps your daughter could cultivate that behavior when she's annoyed. It isn't rude, but it certainly makes a statement.
One can disagree with a statement or opinion without personal attack. Most quarrels escalate when personalities, rather than issues, become the focus.
My mother has a gift; she doesn't have to raise her voice, and is unfailingly polite, but her choice of words can be devastating to one who has offended her. She also has a manner that we describe as Queen Victoria, unamused on steroids, that can freeze people to the marrow in a nanosecond.
Perhaps your daughter could cultivate that behavior when she's annoyed. It isn't rude, but it certainly makes a statement.
