My 2nd submission

[eroticawriter_1]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=163629

This was a bit of a switch for me and I'm excited to see what some of you think.

 

[vargas111]

I really hate stories with anal sex. Your's could have been good if not for that.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Hi there Writer - I'll take this story on.

I like the setup. I'm a sucker for blackmail scenarios, and although of course there are bound to be unanswered questions in a story like this, like why she's stripping three nights a week and how her husband is managing to miss the hefty extra income that generates, I think that you focus this story neatly enough to avoid having those become a major issue. I felt ecouraged to play along and just enjoy the ride.

On the whole I like your dialogue and description. The following passage, however, did strike me as problematic:

She continued to dance in front of him and his eyes were fixated on her body. Jack’s eyes, however, had fixated on something else. She was tall, at least 6 feet in her 6 inch spiked heels, with naturally blonde hair, and the bluest eyes. Her waist was almost non-existent, a stark contrast to her full 34 DD breasts. Her smile was hauntingly familiar, everything about her was, his jaw dropped as he blinked twice to confirm his thoughts. He could not believe what he was seeing. It couldn’t be true, could it?

One difficulty I encountered was precision in indicating what Jack was looking at. I couldn't tell Jack was looking at the dancer in front of him - but if so, why were his eyes "fixated on something else"? - or if not, where the person he was looking at was, and why she was referred to as "something" and not "someone" else.

The other issue, which I admit is something of a personal crusade and which you should undoubtedly ponder somewhat skeptically, is the use of statistical description. I am perhaps less endowed with the ability to estimate size and distance than most, and so I would be hard pressed to tell a five inch heel from a six inch heel from seven inch heel. "Teetering on stilted stiletto heels," however, would give me a powerful image of the shoes. Similarly, "34DD breasts" strains my credulity a bit; unless he's whipped out a measuring tape, it seems unlikely that he is privy to this information. Might I suggest that if you're wed to the idea of measurement, you might make this fly better by voicing it through Jack? That is, we're seeing her from his point of view, but the voice telling us the information is a sort of bland non-person detached perspective. If, on the other hand, we saw Jack's voice and POV - "His eyes lingered over her almost non-existant waist and her big, full tits. Christ, they had to be D, double-D at least." - then I get not only what she looks like but also what Jack talks like, accomplishing two useful goals in the one line. (Just an example of course; I have no intention of suggesting that you ought to write Jack with that particular voice. I just wanted to demonstrate voiced vs. non-voiced 3rd person perspective.)

There is a good level of detail in the story. I'm absolutely useless at writing this sort of thing, where we move easily and briskly from event to event without obsessing endlessly over detail. You're doing a nice job of that. I like the quick, decisive feel of Jack's dialogue in the club and the sense that he swiftly takes control of the situation. His bit of underhandedness - i.e., telling his friend he's going to remedy the situation, but using that opportunity to set up a bit of blackmail - is pleasantly clever if cruel of him. It adds interesting depth to the character and, admittedly, was a relief me because I've recently read a spate of "old woman seduces younger man for no especially good reason" stories. This is rather more fun, from my own admittedly skewed point of view.

She opened the door in a pair of black gym shorts, a white cut off tank top, and white tennis shoes with her long blonde hair in a high ponytail. Sweat was glistening on her skin, she’d clearly just finished a workout.

I will assume that that image is included because it is appealing to the author, but here I think reality protests a bit. She knows that her son's friend is about to come over and blackmail her for sex and possibly money - that or spill the story of her stripping to her husband and her son - and she decides it's a good time for some aerobics? I found that difficult to believe.

“Did I ask you to speak?” he reprimanded. “Get over here and strip for me or I’ll pick up that phone and call Don. I bet the previews haven’t even started yet.”

“You’re really going to go through with this?” she asked.

“No, we are Sally. You and I are going through with this and you are going to enjoy it.”

I quite enjoyed the dialogue through here, and on the whole I like the way that you are handling Jack's lines. It's easy to drop into a sort of stage melodramatic mode with characters who have to give orders. I like the way you've captured the essential abruptness and curt control of his speech without going too far from reality.

“I know this is what you want Sally. Josh told me once that you said I was the one of this friends you’d most like to be with…”

It is possible that I am the product of an unusually conservative upbringing, but I had great difficulty in imagining the conversation in which this information might have been exchanged. Do middle-aged women normally discuss their sexual desire for their sons' friends with said sons? It felt a bit unlikely to me.

"I know you don’t get that way for all your customers. I know you aren’t that big of a slut…”

Hah! Neatly crafted little dilemma he has. Either she's hot for him, or she's a slut ... how does one answer that? Good line.

“If I want you to respond, I’ll tell you,” he yelled.

I like the line, but the yelling throws me. Perhaps my personal perception; I was seeing him more as quietly but firmly in control. Yelling sounds like someone losing control ... but perhaps I am just being petty there. Apologies if I am. (And same issue with the line below it where he "scream."

I enjoyed the move from blackmail to her reluctant admission of desire. It is, perhaps, something of a classic move, but it's still capable of a good deal of fun, and you use it well. It was enjoyable to see Jack's firm smugness rattled when she tells him to go, and the sex gets more interesting when both partners are excited, even or perhaps especially when one of them is struggling to fight that excitement.

The transition from the sofa to the bedroom and from her protestation to pleading is just a bit rough. I do see the distinction you're drawing between making love and fucking, but it's a bit choppy to the eye to find her pleading, then saying no, then pleading again in a very short space. I like the dirty talk - it's a fine art that needs more practitioners - but could use a little more fleshing-out of the her motives to develop a sense of consistancy and a more clearly building sexual desire. That will help it seem a little less abrupt when she reaches the point of begging for it in earnest.

“That’s Aaron’s pillow,” she said in an appalling manner.

Might one assume that the above is meant to be "appealing"?

The door opened and closed and then a familiar voice called out “Mom, are you here?” Joshua asked from the bottom of the stairs.

“Fuck,” Sally said. “What are we going to do?”

“I’m gonna cum in your ass,” Jack answered as he continued to slam into her harder and harder.

I laughed and enjoyed Jack's single-minded pragmatism. No change to the mission plan here! I quite liked that line, as I have liked many of his. The story on a whole is good in its dialogue, never forced or artificial.

That said, I had two issue with these lines:

“Beg me to cum in your ass,” Jack whispered hoarsely.

“Fuck my ass baby, fuck my ass hard and deep and fill my ass with your cum baby.”

Certainly she should be whispering as well, or otherwise keeping as quiet as possible? That, and I would find this a touch more convincing if I either got hesitation from her or some indication as to why she doesn't hesitate - i.e., the addition of something like "she groaned as quietly as she could, trying to get him off before Josh could come to investigate." That would also bring you back to voicing the third person narrative, which is generally a good goal to aim for unless you've got a reason for things to sound more detached.

“Yes, fuck my ass, son. Fill my ass with all your cum, son. I want all your cum my little boy,” she said, surprised with how easily the words seemed to flow.

I like the above better because I do get a sense of her reaction - her surprise at how easily she falls into this little game.

“We can,” he countered.

“God yes,” she moaned. “Make me cum, make me cum and I’ll be your fuck-slut forever. My ass and my cunt will belong to my son. All yours to fuck whenever you want.”

Here, I was quite fine with the idea that she would express some desire, but her reaction seemed rather swiftly enthusiastic for the circumstances. He's just taken her ass rather roughly and slapped her several times across the face. I would think that even the most sexually responsive woman would be unlikely to forget that after a second or two of finger play, however badly she wants an orgasm. I understand that it's a convention of the porn genre to have people go to remarkable lengths to achieve orgasm once sexually excited, but this stretched my credulity a bit. A less lengthy response would still have conveyed her reluctant yielding to returned stimulus, and would (for me) have been more convining if it was indeed reluctant.

“She was thinking of you,” Jack said as he got off the bed.

This line is hysterical and is worth the entire story! Great stuff. The ending on the whole works, but I did find it difficult - curse my sense of reality - to accept that the mother would be literally screaming, more than once, when she knew that her son was in the house. Her dialogue went a bit over the top at the end, for my taste.

Still, a pleasant romp with many fine points to commend it. I enjoyed the story and thank you for sharing it. All the best -

Shanglan

 

[eroticawriter_1]

Thank you very much for your enthusiastic critique. I will take your ideas into consideration and definitely allow them to guide my writing in my current endeavor. Please feel free to look for it in the near future and let me know what you think.