My 2nd Story

[Amalthea]

I submitted one other story to this site, to mixed feedback, but apparently it took me three years to get inspiration to write another one. I'd appreciate immensely any feedback readers would like to give on this brand new story. It went a little farther than I'm used to writing, and tips, praise, and criticisms are very much appreciated. Thanks for your time

After A Long Wait

 

[hiddenself]

Right off the bat, there were two big issues that I saw:

1. First/second person storytelling ("I"/"you"). This is not a problem per se, but second person is almost impossible to manage (unless you're really really inspired). It may work as a personal fantasy or a story to a lover, but telling it to a wider audience is a different matter. Look up numerous threads in the AH on this.

2. Tense switches (past/present). This is a serious weakness in the writing and flow of the story.

Both very annoying to me. Add the fact that I don't find these kinds of stories appealing, and you will understand why I couldn't even get halfway through it. Others may disagree.

 

[Chicklet]

I didn't read your whole story, but was planning to go back to it and give you in-depth feedback later, but I have to say something because I think "hiddenself" used a very poor way of giving you criticism.

The tense switches I saw in the first couple paragraphs seemed to make sense - your character talking about what happened, and then what about was happening. This does confuse people sometimes, though, and it's a lot easier just to stick with one tense and go on.

I noticed that both of your stories started the same way, and that sort of bothered me. But when I saw that, like you said, there were three years between writing them, it didn't bother me so much.

I'll come back and give you more in-depth feedback later, but just to tell you that besides the pet peeve of not liking "you did this" your story didn't look bad to me.

-Chicklet

 

[the_bragis]

Right of the bat…

… because I think "hiddenself" used a very poor way of giving you criticism.

Yes I agree with HS’s comments, but not with the manner he/she presented them.

I agree with Chicklet, this story didn’t look too bad to me either.

Yes, first and second person stories are sometimes an awkward read. A lot of people will back click when they see one, whether it’s good or bad, so it’s best not to use that style. If you want to give your story that ‘intimate’ feel try first person only. E.g. He took my face gently in his hands… Although really third person is probably the easiest to read and write. E.g. Matt took Amelthea’s face in his hands…

In your opening paragraph you are ‘talking’ to your lover. That’s really nice, only here is where the tenses begin to get confused. Read it again and imagine you speaking on the phone right now, and you will see where you need to make changes. I would have preferred “our favorite wine rather than “my’, but that’s just a personal preference.

“You could feel my thighs getting slick at the top, and knew it wasn’t sweat. ‘

This is one of the major problems of writing in the second person. You can’t say what the other person is feeling or thinking. It just doesn’t work. It would need to be something like. “I felt your hand sliding up the insides of my thighs. I was wet but not with sweat.”

“Right. I want you to take that cock and fuck me.”

This really jarred me, simply because your story up until this point is so sweet and romantic, almost flowery. Again it’s just my opinion, but I don’t think that dialog worked.

Remember every bit of new dialog needs a new paragraph.

“I could barely speak as well.” I could be wrong here, but I think you have your bares/bears confused.

“Barely-there” and “cream-colored”, don’t need to be hyphenated. Odd little things like this will really bug some pedantic readers, so avoid them if you can.

I think this story will really appeal to women. Literotica calls this category ‘Romantic”, but it could just as easily be “Ladies’ Erotic” couldn’t it? A little more background or backstory would have perhaps made it more interesting, but otherwise it’s a short sweet read.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).

 

[hiddenself]

I didn't read your whole story, but was planning to go back to it and give you in-depth feedback later, but I have to say something because I think "hiddenself" used a very poor way of giving you criticism.

The tense switches I saw in the first couple paragraphs seemed to make sense - your character talking about what happened, and then what about was happening. This does confuse people sometimes, though, and it's a lot easier just to stick with one tense and go on.

I have to be a bit defensive here... I know what a decent critique is. I take critiquing very seriously. Mine was no critique.

It wasn't meant to be one. It was just an impression -- a quickie.

Anyway, I am certainly not confused and stand by my tense switch comment for the opening of the story.

I don’t know how much longer I can take without you.
This first sentence implies that he's not there. Yet.

But the subsequent descriptions are in past tense and, later on, he is there and they have sex and she is using past tense:

Within minutes I heard the familiar sound of your car pull up and the click of the door as you stepped out. I smiled to myself as I... etc etc

Another example:

I turned the shower on. The steam begins to slowly rise in the room as I unclasped my black satin bra and slid the matching panties down.

This goes from past (turned) to present (begins) to past tense again in two sentences. And they are describing the exact same moment, from the same timepoint (as far as the narrator and audience are concerned).


Chicklet, if these make sense to you or to others, that's fine, but I still maintain that they are improper tense switches.

That said... In all fairness to Amalthea, now that I've gone back and had to read the whole thing (did I jump the gun, or did Chicklet miss the point?), the narrative consistently uses past tense from that point on. So, the two-three lapses in the beginning appear to be isolated incidents. But they still grated on me enough to make me stop reading the first time around.

 

[Amalthea]

First off, thanks to all who took the time to read my story and share their thoughts. I have a couple points to make, perhaps in my defense, but more so to just clarify a few issues.

1. Yes, tense switches can be annoying, but I tried to only switch when I felt it added to the story at the beginning, but I realize that switches can be annoying to some no matter when they occur.

2. I also agree that first/second person storytelling isn't always the best choice, and I'd even agree that it's not the best choice in the vast majority of stories. However, this story was originally written as a gift to my boyfriend, which perhaps explains my choice of first/second person. I may try to rewrite it in the way suggested however, i.e. "Matt took Amathea's face in his hands." While the form that it's in now makes sense when I give the story to him, I realize it was perhaps not the best choice for submission to this site.

3. I realized that "I want you to take that cock and fuck me" was a bit jarring, I intended it that way. But, I see the validity of the point that perhaps it didn't work as well as I had wanted it to. It matches the way lovemaking tends to go for my boyfriend and I, but it's something that could perhaps be worked on in the story.

4. I used the proper form of "barely." But thanks for checking =)

5. As for the hyphenation issues....ugh, I can't believe I let those slip in there. Thanks for pointing them out.

6. As far as both of my stories starting the same way, yeah, I plead guilty. Call it a fetish of mine. I'll try to avoid that in the future though.

Again, thank you to all. I hope this gives a bit of background info for those who requested it, and perhaps explains what I was trying to do with the story. Hopefully after I get some more writing experience under my belt, my stories will reflect those improvements. Thanks.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Very good: it captures the mood right, and I don't share the aversion to second person that some have. Weaknesses in tense, in speech within paragraphs, and in too many action words.

I would hyphenate 'cream-coloured'. Adverbs like 'barely' don't need to be if before an adjective: a barely legal teenager. But 'a barely there pair' reads like odd grammar, and the hyphenation makes clear it's 'barely there' lexicalized into a single adjective. Your instinct was correct in both cases. However, 'barely-there pair of sheer' has an assonance you probably don't intend, so you might want to rephrase it anyway.

Tense switching is fine for immediacy, but you sometimes have odd sequences: 'I’ve checked... but I went around...'

Style guides say not to use dangling participles. Like most things in style guides, ignore it freely if you know what you're doing. But 'Lathering up my cloth, the scent of raspberries permeated the misty air' really does make it sound like the scent of raspberries lathered up the cloth.

'I heard the familiar sound of your car pull up': the sound didn't pull up, the car did: 'I heard the familiar sound of your car pulling up'.

'your eyes became accustomed to the dim light': this sounds a bit too cliched, and in any case dark adaptation lasts several minutes, not the few seconds of seeing his surprised face and standing up to greet him: you wouldn't actually see that.

'The shimmering material pooled on the floor at my feet' - this is a good image.

'You could feel my thighs getting slick at the top, and knew it wasn’t sweat.' - Yes of course you can know and describe what someone else is feeling and knowing. Not in detail, of course, not in thoughts you can't see or infer, but in this case it would be obvious to you what his thoughts are.

The paragraph beginning 'Your response was muffled' contains speeches by both people. I was already going to point out you make some paragraphs overly long by including speech at both ends separated by lots of description; now finding this confirms you need to thin them out. It happens to be clear who's making each of the speeches in this paragraph, but in general it might not be.

'Suddenly, you grabbed both my arms, and sliding my hands together, gripped my wrists firmly together in one of your hands over my head.' - You should leave some of the physical description out or recast it as background, like 'with my arms held above me', not 'he pushed... he slid... I gripped... he turned... I moved...'

 

[the_bragis]

Amalthea,

I checked, barely is correct, you were right.

Rainbow Skin,

All right, I guess you can describe what someone is feeling and thinking. It sounds a bit funny to me but I bow to you greater knowledge.

I haven't got the foggiest idea what 'lexicalized into a single adjective' or 'dangling participles' are. I feel kind of ignorant in here sometimes.

Well have good day,

Alex.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Blinding 'em with science

Blimey, it worked.