Must haves and non-negotiables in intimate relationships

[Nirvanadragones]

In our intimate relationships, we all have aspects we would like the other person (and the relationship) to have. Then there are the non-negotiables. The aspects and characteristics that we insist on having in our relationships (not only characteristics the other person has, but aspects of the actual relationship)

Intimate relationships mean different things to different people. Here, I refer to those we let closer than anyone else. Those we choose, who know us completely.(or as close as we let them) Those we trust above all others. I'm referring to family members, friends, lovers, not only our SO's and/ or life partners.

There are characteristics that are stereotypical. I know, as soon as this type of topic is raised, the obvious characteristics are A good sense of humour, trust, . etc . . . I'd like to know of those, too. But what I'm really interested in, is what about those characteristics is your must-haves in a relationship? For example - How important is sense of humour? If they don't make you laugh, and you don't find them funny, will you leave? (Extreme, I know, but just illustrating the point) If you find trust a non-negotiable, which aspects of trust is it that makes it so important? What are your limits? Would you ever reevaluate the characteristics you hold so dear?

So, to get back to the actual question - in your intimate relationships, what are the non-negotiable characteristics and aspects - the elements that have to be present, for you to be fulfilled, and satisfied? And, what is it about those aspects that is important to you? And, would you (have you ever) change/ lower your standards in any situation?

We're all human. I'm not expecting black and white answers. I'm interested to hear truth - and real life stories of what we need in relationships, what we insist on, what we get, and how we deal with it if those three don't match up.

If I'm not verbalising myself properly, please excuse. I haven't slept much.

 

[cloudy]

The only real non-negotiable for me is acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what I am, etc.

The rest can be dealt with.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

The only real non-negotiable for me is acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what I am, etc.

The rest can be dealt with.

If it's ok with you, would you share more about what that acceptance means to you? What is it that you need, in having acceptance as a non-negotiable? And, are there levels? If they don't accept one part of you, would you reconsider?

 

[Recidiva]

I must have humor. I must have intelligence. I must have an ability to learn. I must have the right to silence and privacy and the right to change myself over time.

I also can't bear when a person is addicted to a thought, an action or a habit that is destructive. If they refuse to have humor, intelligence or learn about them and transform over time. I will allow for time to pass and more than enough time for learning to take place, and if it doesn't happen, I will leave.

I consider these things to be my personal fetishes. I don't require someone be physically gorgeous or rich or ambitious. I do require these things or ultimately I am unattracted to that person entirely and I just let go.

I'm just as shallow as anyone else, and this is what I must have.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I must have humor. I must have intelligence. I must have an ability to learn. I must have the right to silence and privacy and the right to change myself over time.

I also can't bear when a person is addicted to a thought, an action or a habit that is destructive. If they refuse to have humor, intelligence or learn about them and transform over time. I will allow for time to pass and more than enough time for learning to take place, and if it doesn't happen, I will leave.

I consider these things to be my personal fetishes. I don't require someone be physically gorgeous or rich or ambitious. I do require these things or ultimately I am unattracted to that person entirely and I just let go.

I'm just as shallow as anyone else, and this is what I must have.

Please can I live inside of your head for a little while?

Thank you, Diva.

 

[scheherazade_79]

The iron hand in the velvet glove. I don't like being yelled at or bossed around, but I get bored with women I can run circles around and get my own way with every time.

The 'family' quality. Hard to explain... It's when someone accepts you without wanting to change you. Someone who'll tell you the truth when other people are frightened to, but who'll do it in a gentle way. Someone who accepts that you're human and you'll screw up from time to time, but loves you anyway. Someone who can accept your truth and not like it, but still love you.

A willingness to try new things around each other without any fear or self-consciousness.

A damn good sense of humour. It's essential with me.

 

[Recidiva]

Please can I live inside of your head for a little while?

Thank you, Diva.

You pretty much already are, so sure.

I've got a suite all set up!

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

I need a give and take, a partner in every sense of the word. I need someone who can surprise me and keep me wanting to learn more and more and more about them; someone who is ever growing and challenging me to grow as well. I need someone who can be strong when I am weak and can trust me with their weakness to be strong for them.

I need a romantic,someone who sees a value in flowers, poems, dancing, momentos, who will cry because I bought them that thing they gushed over in the window when we were shopping and who listens intently enough to me to discern that the 45 seconds I stare at thing with a curious look is not want but the 5 seconds that I really grin passing by something is.

I need an adventurer, someone who will go with me around the world, not to the tourist spots but the out of the way places that aren't even on maps. I need someone who can walk in the door and say "Pack your bags, our plane leaves in an hour and here's a book to brush up on the local language, start reading."

I need a cross between Lara Croft, Elizabeth Barret Browning, Anais Nin and some figment in my head I've yet to name properly.

 

[Elianna]

I need a give and take, a partner in every sense of the word. I need someone who can surprise me and keep me wanting to learn more and more and more about them; someone who is ever growing and challenging me to grow as well. I need someone who can be strong when I am weak and can trust me with their weakness to be strong for them.

I need a romantic,someone who sees a value in flowers, poems, dancing, momentos, who will cry because I bought them that thing they gushed over in the window when we were shopping and who listens intently enough to me to discern that the 45 seconds I stare at thing with a curious look is not want but the 5 seconds that I really grin passing by something is.

I need an adventurer, someone who will go with me around the world, not to the tourist spots but the out of the way places that aren't even on maps. I need someone who can walk in the door and say "Pack your bags, our plane leaves in an hour and here's a book to brush up on the local language, start reading."

I need a cross between Lara Croft, Elizabeth Barret Browning, Anais Nin and some figment in my head I've yet to name properly.

Is that a NEED or a want? I've spent hours making that "List" my girlfriends say I should have... WHAT I WANT IN A MAN
But those are wants
Damn, I WANT a guy who will do the same. A guy who can kick my ass and won't let me win.

VANA- I think there's a flaw in your questioning. I don't think there's ONE THING that I must have. It's a combination of things that I need. I've dated the most amazing men who've been intelligent, funny, honest, creative, but that SPARK. The thing that makes me WANT them. It wasn't there. So many. So many good men. So what I think I need. I need the spark.

Salvor's right... we want all that other stuff and it comes from the SPARK!

 

[Nirvanadragones]

A damn good sense of humour. It's essential with me.

I was waiting for that one.

You pretty much already are, so sure.

I've got a suite all set up!

I think I might seek semi-permanent residency.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

VANA- I think there's a flaw in your questioning. I don't think there's ONE THING that I must have. It's a combination of things that I need. I've dated the most amazing men who've been intelligent, funny, honest, creative, but that SPARK. The thing that makes me WANT them. It wasn't there. So many. So many good men. So what I think I need. I need the spark.

Combination of things - absolutely. But what are those things? And just how negotiable are they? That's what I'm after.

 

[tickledkitty]

Honesty is huge for me. Even in casual friendships. Once you've intentionally been dishonest with me, even over something silly, I'm pretty much done with you. Yes, there have been times when I've been able to get past it, but it's really hard. Nearly impossible.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I think I tend to take them at face value, and I think I trust too easily. I think it would be better to be more careful in the beginning, to make people earn my trust. I guess I do that to a certain extent, but not nearly enough.

A Lit friend has a "circle of trust." These are the most trusted, most valued friends. I guess we all do, but this was the first time I'd heard it verbalized in this way. When I was told that I was part of this circle, which I believe is very small, it almost felt as if I had been given a gift.

I guess I feel the same way about trusting people. If I trust you, I'm giving you a little chunk of my heart. If you're dishonest with me, I believe you don't value that at all, and I take it back. It'll hurt for a while (depending upon how important the relationship was) but will heal eventually, and then all I feel is indifference.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Honesty is huge for me. Even in casual friendships. Once you've intentionally been dishonest with me, even over something silly, I'm pretty much done with you. Yes, there have been times when I've been able to get past it, but it's really hard. Nearly impossible.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I think I tend to take them at face value, and I think I trust too easily. I think it would be better to be more careful in the beginning, to make people earn my trust. I guess I do that to a certain extent, but not nearly enough.

A Lit friend has a "circle of trust." These are the most trusted, most valued friends. I guess we all do, but this was the first time I'd heard it verbalized in this way. When I was told that I was part of this circle, which I believe is very small, it almost felt as if I had been given a gift.

I guess I feel the same way about trusting people. If I trust you, I'm giving you a little chunk of my heart. If you're dishonest with me, I believe you don't value that at all, and I take it back. It'll hurt for a while (depending upon how important the relationship was) but will heal eventually, and then all I feel is indifference.

I hear you. I used to be like that. I used to trust first, (obviously on instinct) and if I was given any reason not to, I would change that. I'm not like that any longer. It has to be earned. And I keep people at arm's length. Even those I used to hold close. I've realised lately that I've let some people in my life go - maybe just a little further away from where they used to be. It has nothing to do with rejection, and I don't think it was a conscious decision. I think that I've changed my entire perception on trust. I'm not sure exactly how, yet. Kind of a paradigm shift in progress, I suppose.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

Is that a NEED or a want? I've spent hours making that "List" my girlfriends say I should have... WHAT I WANT IN A MAN
But those are wants
Damn, I WANT a guy who will do the same. A guy who can kick my ass and won't let me win.

VANA- I think there's a flaw in your questioning. I don't think there's ONE THING that I must have. It's a combination of things that I need. I've dated the most amazing men who've been intelligent, funny, honest, creative, but that SPARK. The thing that makes me WANT them. It wasn't there. So many. So many good men. So what I think I need. I need the spark.

Salvor's right... we want all that other stuff and it comes from the SPARK!

Those are NEEDS. Absolute essentials and non-negotiables, if any person wnats more than a fourth date from me, they have to exhibit those traits or at least that they considerable potential for those traits. I have gone far too long where I am without and I will not live without them again.

There is another list of WANTS, that make for icing on the cake, and that is another topic in general why those are WANTS versus NEEDS, but that short list above, thats NEED.

 

[trysail]

I s'pose the most important "must have" is trust— that translates into subsets of fidelity and integrity. I am monogamous and I expect my partner to be the same. Period. Full stop. The second subset is straightforward; I don't like or tolerate liars, cheats or thieves— the world is full of 'em and I'll be damned if I'm willing to have one share the same roof.

Education and intelligence are close behind. I am an unabashed elitist in that regard. Having spent a lifetime in the company of people with the ability (for the most part) to spell, multiply, write, divide, read, add, subtract and punctuate, I'm too old and curmudgeonly to stifle my dislike for those lacking these skills.

I am a horrific tightwad (some would say a miser). Experience and observation have convinced me that it is unwise to mix a spendthrift with a tightwad. It is entirely possible that I fall within the bounds of an honest-to-god DSM IV borderline personality disorder in this regard. It is a fact that I'm an old dog who doesn't have a great deal of interest in learning new tricks. I didn't get where I am by being loose with a dollar and I have no intention, whatsoever, of revisiting my days of penury. It's something of a goddam miracle that I haven't starved to death.

Within reason, politics and religion can be entertaining topics for conversation. Conversely, stridency or obsession in these matters is tedious and boring— not to mention rude, inconsiderate and impolite.

While admittedly shallow and superficial, obesity is not my cup of tea.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

deleted

 

[voluptuary_manque]

The only intimate relationship I've ever been in, I'm still in. Why? She likes me. I hadn't had that before from anyone I was attracted to. Decades later, she still likes me, likes having sex with me, sitting on the couch with me, going places together with me.

It's enough.

I'm content.

And grateful.

 

[Guest]

need a man who does. It is ok if he is not always right and if he doesn't always do the right thing, but I want that mover and shaker thing going on. I want to see him try the best he can.

That said, I need a man who waits a second or two before getting to a conclusion. A man who sees the big picture.

I want courtesy. I am more than willing to get called on my mistakes, but I need someone who will not easily lose his temper.

Hardest of all, I want a man who can read me. I am more than willing to tell him things and help improve things but at the end of the day, I want also that understanding without words, that almost magical complicity.

I want ability. Someone who is good with his hands, in bed and out of it.

And oh, did I mention pervert?

Those are the essentials and I think they are hard to find. I know they are hard to find.

Maharat

Ps: Vana you are just gorgeous.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

It's enough.

I'm content.

And grateful.

I like you.

Hardest of all, I want a man who can read me. I am more than willing to tell him things and help improve things but at the end of the day, I want also that understanding without words, that almost magical complicity.

That is an absolute essential. I fear tainted outcomes. If I tell you what I need, you'll know, because I told you. What's the point?

Ps: Vana you are just gorgeous.

Thank you, Sweetheart.

 

[trysail]

έρως (Eros)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eros_(love)
or...,
φιλíα (Philia)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philia

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I am so lonely I am about ready to put up with almost anything short of abusive behavior.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I must conclude that I am happier with the person than I would be without.

I know, sounds obvious, but it's amazing how many people miss the obvious.

I know too, that doesn't identify any particular characteristics, either. I have to think about that. I might not be able to narrow that beyond "be of good character," which covers a lot of ground.

 

[English Lady]

Is it naive just to say love? But, let me get biblical here a moment in 1 Corinthians 13 it says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails...
And really what more do I need than this? Yes, I realise that sometimes a person screws up and maybe they'll get angry or be rude or lie but people fuck up from time to time. If I get the things above, I'm happy, If i don't get those things, I don't get love, then I don't think I could have a long term intimate relationship with that person.

 

[Recidiva]

Is it naive just to say love? But, let me get biblical here a moment in 1 Corinthians 13 it says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails...
And really what more do I need than this? Yes, I realise that sometimes a person screws up and maybe they'll get angry or be rude or lie but people fuck up from time to time. If I get the things above, I'm happy, If i don't get those things, I don't get love, then I don't think I could have a long term intimate relationship with that person.

I love all my ex-husbands.

I do not want to have sex with them though.

 

[English Lady]

I love all my ex-husbands.

I do not want to have sex with them though.

I didn't read intimate as have sex with, that might be somewhat different.