KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
Flashy fiction! Remember darlin, you asked for it. Today's madness comes from Sienna, a veteran SRPer and a really nice lady all around. Her story is The Match which she offered up to our regard a little less than a month ago. A tale of group sex and football, which is more exciting? Depends on if you live in Old Trafford!
Football has nothing to do with touchdowns in this case, it's all about footie and an intense rivalry. The only thing better than a good game of footie is having an unknowing audience of 30,000 screaming fans. What's better than that? Having another couple join you in your nasty little escapade.
Sienna did a fabulous job of building up the suspense. I could almost taste Katrina's nervousness in regard to what she was about to do, though I had no idea what it was. After all, this is a group sex story? What did it have to do with a football stadium? Darren was a little more distant, but that's because the narrator never slipped into his consciousness like she did Katrina's. Louise was a nice addition to the menage a everyone, though her introduction was abrupt and a tidge cliche. She was followed closely by Simon who was all grins and erections.
The language was a bit stilted, but I loved every British turn of phrase. It could be the SRPer way of writing that invaded. The problem was mostly with sentence fragments and bad punctuation. "Wow." He said as opposed to "Wow," he said. Commas do not necessarily make that transition from one thought to another. Sometimes a period is needed. Prosaic prose was a bit of a problem as well. "Darren looked at them both, on the pinnacle of his climactic release, he remained in a state of ecstasy." I know Sienna can do much better because I've seen it.
It could have been a purely hot story. The setting was highly original and beautifully crafted. The characters were interesting and people I would like to get to know. In this case, however, I think the language just got in the way.
On the Muff Scale, I'd call this one a pussy.
Football has nothing to do with touchdowns in this case, it's all about footie and an intense rivalry. The only thing better than a good game of footie is having an unknowing audience of 30,000 screaming fans. What's better than that? Having another couple join you in your nasty little escapade.
Sienna did a fabulous job of building up the suspense. I could almost taste Katrina's nervousness in regard to what she was about to do, though I had no idea what it was. After all, this is a group sex story? What did it have to do with a football stadium? Darren was a little more distant, but that's because the narrator never slipped into his consciousness like she did Katrina's. Louise was a nice addition to the menage a everyone, though her introduction was abrupt and a tidge cliche. She was followed closely by Simon who was all grins and erections.
The language was a bit stilted, but I loved every British turn of phrase. It could be the SRPer way of writing that invaded. The problem was mostly with sentence fragments and bad punctuation. "Wow." He said as opposed to "Wow," he said. Commas do not necessarily make that transition from one thought to another. Sometimes a period is needed. Prosaic prose was a bit of a problem as well. "Darren looked at them both, on the pinnacle of his climactic release, he remained in a state of ecstasy." I know Sienna can do much better because I've seen it.
It could have been a purely hot story. The setting was highly original and beautifully crafted. The characters were interesting and people I would like to get to know. In this case, however, I think the language just got in the way.
On the Muff Scale, I'd call this one a pussy.
