Mt Father and I just got in to it.

[JaymesBlond007]

My Father and I just got in to it.

This is obviously a rant, and not a thread that expects any involvement.

What is it about alcohol that makes people assume they can say whatever they please, to whomever they please?

My father is an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. My father spent the majority of today drinking beer and 100 proof schnapps, and hasn't had a single thing to eat on top of that.
The start of the day was fantastic. We watched Anna and Martina scoot their exquisite rumps all over the tennis court.
Then, at the drop of a dime, we're all over each other because of some stupid skateboarding competition. Not that I would ever think that skateboarding is "stupid". It is just a seguay (sp?) into our arguement. His point, is that skateboarding is not an "acceptable" means of living. (i.e. A "real" job.) I continually surfaced the facts that those men and women were as much "athlete's" as any football or baseball player, maybe even more-so because of the risk's involved.
He proceded to tell me that it didn't matter what I said, because Bartendeing wasn't a real job either, and I retaliated with the fact that I, unlike himself, had a job. This might have been where I crossed the line.
Not too long ago, my dad lost his job because he had multiple DWI's. He was a Firefighter, and because of his record, could no longer fufill his duties behind the wheel of the fire-truck. After losing employment, he fell in to a depression because he felt like he had lost everything.

Now....

My father has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. My mother used to have to hide the cooking cherri so he wouldn't try to drink it. But this affected me and my brother profusely. My father split when we were babies-
My mother replaced him with an abusive stepfather-
And I have secretly, selfishly resented the both them ever since. And the topper is, about a year ago, my brother calls me on my birthday and says, "Happy birthday. Dad moved to Idaho and he doesn't know if he's ever coming back."
That put the icing on the cake for me. This was a message from him, that he wanted nothing more to do with us, and he was giving up. But he magically appeared a week and a half ago, and expects everyone to think he's doing us a favour.
Now here sits, giving me his perspective on priorities.

Maybe I went too far. I had many years of resentment to get out, and it all kind of escaped in one paragraph about him being a shitty father and a drunk and a quitter. How I wished I had knew someone that could have taught me something other than how to run away from my problems.

fuck
rant, rant, rant. bitch, bitch, bitch.

 

[Mischka]

How I wished I had knew someone that could have taught me something other than how to run away from my problems

The fact that you even recognize this in yourself is an enormous accomplishment. I don't have any words of comfort or advice, but I just wanted you to know that someone read your post and was touched by your pain and frustration.

 

[Guest]

Ok, I know you didn't ask for replies... but I'm gonna give you one anyway, and you can choose to read it or not.

My mother and step-father are both alcoholics. I am very familiar with resentment. Familiar with feeling abandoned, even when they're in the same room, because to them the bottle is more important than you. I remember empty drunken promises, and parents that were too drunk to drive me to friend's houses, or football games, or school dances.

He left you guys more than once. You KNOW he's not doing you a favor by coming back. Only you can decide how many times he gets to treat you like shit and abandon you before you walk away. Don't feel obligated to be the 'good son' though, to someone who's never bothered to be a father. If it's not healthy to be around him, then don't.

Take care of you. It's all most of us can handle, anyway.

**HUGS**

 

[Calamity Jane]

That was me.

 

[Cherry]

That's very sad, Jaymes.

You may not be able to help your father ... but you can help yourself.

Maybe, by your example, you might make a difference for him.

But, the important lesson to learn is one for you ... that alcholism can and will ruin your life.

You can do it ... just reach out for help.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Mt Father!?

I posted an incoherent title to a thread, and you all were still curious enough to open it, and kind enough to respond.

Thanks everyone. I'm just posting to expel some of the crap in me right now. I have this innate ability to forgive, and it gives me bleeding ulcers.

Just spiewing people. But you can't imagine what it means to have ya'll respond. Thanks

 

[Calamity Jane]

Re: Mt Father!?

I have this innate ability to forgive, and it gives me bleeding ulcers.

Been there too, darlin. If you want to talk, PM me.

 

[Krankar]

JB_

In your post, you mentioned that you are also an alcoholic. How much does this affect your relationship with your Father? How much does it affect your
verbal interchanges with him? Alcohol is a wicked MothaFukka, and it truly fucks up a lt of lives. You, as an alkie, know that very well. So now, what is the solution to the problem with your Fathe?

To me, it begins with you. Do whatever you can to stop drinking. Let a couple of weeks pass, and then decide if the old man is worth your time. With his history, I am sure you already know theanswer.

The most important thing is that you stop drinking. After that,everything else is easy. Try it- you'll see.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Originally posted by Krankar
In your post, you mentioned that you are also an alcoholic. How much does this affect your relationship with your Father? How much does it affect your
verbal interchanges with him? Alcohol is a wicked MothaFukka, and it truly fucks up a lt of lives. You, as an alkie, know that very well. So now, what is the solution to the problem with your Fathe?

To me, it begins with you. Do whatever you can to stop drinking. Let a couple of weeks pass, and then decide if the old man is worth your time. With his history, I am sure you already know theanswer.

The most important thing is that you stop drinking. After that,everything else is easy. Try it- you'll see.

My addiction affects my relationship with everyone, not just my father. I have to try and controll and unstoppable Demon. Sometimes I eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats me. But the disease is not alcohol. It's addiction.

I'm an addict.

That can be eating, drinking, gambling, sex, lying, the list goes on and on. It took me a long time to realize just what a horrible thing addiction is, and upon reflection, it explained a lot of the problems I had in my life.

I deal with them ever so slowly, trying not to stumble backwards because I'm only looking forward. Every single day, I have to remind myself what kind of person I was...and what kind of person I need to become.

And not to be rude, but could you please not refer to me as an "Alkie"?

 

[Cheyenne]

I don't blame you for speaking up to your "dad." It also sounds like you're on the right track to keep yourself from ending up like him.

Whenever I read threads like this, I'm even more grateful for the boring middle class family I grew up in. No alcoholics, no abuse. I realize how lucky I've been. Bad things DO happen to good people.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Originally posted by Cheyenne
I don't blame you for speaking up to your "dad." It also sounds like you're on the right track to keep yourself from ending up like him.

Whenever I read threads like this, I'm even more grateful for the boring middle class family I grew up in. No alcoholics, no abuse. I realize how lucky I've been. Bad things DO happen to good people.

And here I always thought you were nothing but salt and lemons. I promise not to let your comments go to my head.

 

[LovetoGiveRoses]

Fight the good fight girl. Beat the addiction. Beat it and you'll hear all of us applaud you. Good luck girl, we're rooting for you.

 

[Cherry]

Yes, but Jaymes

A lot of your other excesses may be driven by alcoholism. Once you abstain, things will just become better in your life again. You'll start to think clearer ... you'll have a more mature emotional response ... you'll begin to remember who you are and like yourself again.

Alcholism is a disease ... and in many cases is genetic. Stop beating yourself up for something that isn't your fault. This disease has treatment that works.

You can take antabuse to give you the motivation to abstain for a while, until you have the strength to do it naturally.

AA has worked wonders for many people. Reach out.

 

[Krankar]

JB-
without being rude, what would you prefer i say? It is a terible addiction, and no good purpose is served by being "politically correct". Words is words- truth is truth. If I offended, then I apologise, but the problem remains the same. I have been through the same thing, but in a different format.

There is NO question that we each do not have the answer to. Implementing the solution is quite another thing, and I do not have an answer for you, or for myself. And yes, if you are curious, i am an alkie; however, I do control it.
"control it", you might ask? Yes.
And you can too.

As to problems with fathers, I have been through that, too. Although not the same as yours, problems with the Ole Man are similar- it is a messed-up situation, whatever the cause.

i will repeat myself here- do whatever you can to stop drinking. Let some time pass, and then figure out the realities of the situation.

Whatever you do, do not continue to punish yourself: the choice is yours- trust me.

 

[riff]

I am not a counselor or anything so I won't give advice

There have been times in my family that alcohol has "reared its ugly head," to use a cliche. And I have seen and felt the hurt it can do.

I'd never claim to have lived your experience, but I've lived mine. I've seen and heard some terrible things. Even now, as a grown man, I watch my own father (whom I love very much), a binge type drinker who is truly a wonderful man when sober turn into some kind of pathetic monster going on a week or 2 week binge. There are times I am furious with him. There are times I weep with pity for him because I love him. This says nothing of the sadness I feel when I consider the way it affects my mother and siblings. They don't deserve that. I don't deserve that.

When i get beyond the anger, when I get beyond the powerlessness I feel when I consider trying to take some kind of action to try (my attempts have always been futile), the only thing left is a sadness that beneath all of that shit is not only someone whom I love and admire, but someone whom I love and admire that is trapped in a terrible pain.

There have been times when I have totally bashed my father, when I wanted to spit on the ground he walks on. Then one day my mother told me that in many ways I reminded her of my father, and the reasons she fell in love with him.

I don't know that I will ever understand my father's struggle (and when he is in that state, it is a struggle- it's like old wounds opening up), but I still love him. But it is his struggle. If ever I could help him with it, I would- but I have my own life to live and I choose to be happy.

I don't know if what I have said is of any help, consolation, or comfort. I would ask you to do only one thing: LIVE. It's your life. LIVE.

(sorry if I sound too much like the teacher I am)

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Your story is all too familiar riff...

My father has lost two wives, his two sons, and his wonderful job because of the bottle, and I can see how much it hurts him. But I feel like he's trying to drag me down with him, because I'm the only one who puts up with him. My father is drunk every day. Literally. It's tough for me to watch him, because I know I'm heading down that same path. Sometimes that even helps me place things in perspective, and control my habit a little more.

 

[Cheyenne]

And here I always thought you were nothing but salt and lemons. I promise not to let your comments go to my head.

Salt and lemons? Hmmm... sounds like you've been listening to some of the stuff the liberals of the board say about me.

I'm really all sugar and spice and everything nice.

 

[SexyChele]

Jaymes, I dated a man for 7 years who was an alcoholic. I have one uncle and one aunt and a deceased grandfather who are/were alcoholics. It is shit to live with one, and to be around one. I know. I have the personaliy of an enabler.

I have 2 things to say to you, and I mean them with all sincerity - not trying to knock you at all!

1. Get away from alcohol. Don't try to "control" - you are only fooling yourself. Stop drinking, completely. It really is the only way. To say you are an alcoholic and that you can attempt to control it is truly foolish. AA, when given a true chance, does work - it eventually worked for the man I dated, and he was extremely skeptical and had no desire to stop drinking. There are also counseling programs, many of them free or based on a sliding scale, to help you quit and stay out of the bottle. Do yourself a favor, Jaymes. Stop drinking, or you may very well become what your father is. Alcoholism runs in families, and if it isn't checked at one generation, it continues into the next, and on and on. If you ever have children, would you want them to have the same father you did? Start doing things differently now.

2. You gotta be tough with your dad. Yeah. I know. Easier said than done. But by continuing to try to have a relationship with him, by continuing to talk to him when no else will, you are feeding his behavior. What is motivating him to change? You still talk to him, he knows you still want him in your life, and you are willing to accept him as is. Yes, I know the man in my life was some one I was only dating, and I could walk away at any time. Yet, when are with some one for more than 7 years, you come to care about them deeply. As long as I was in his life, willing to put up with his BS, running to save his ass every time he got it into trouble, he had no incentive to change. Then one day I'd had enough. (Alanon helped a lot, too) I told him I couldn't deal with his addiction and that if he didn't do something about - and soon - he would never see or hear from me again. I told him I was sick of the worry, sick of running every time he called, sick of babysitting him for hours on end in bars. I'd had enough and was calling it quits. I told him if he wanted to make a true effort to quit, I would help any way I could - but unless he made that effort, I would have nothing to do with him. The result? He called me 8 days later and said he wanted to quit but was scared about how. We worked through it together, and he did get sober - been that way for more than 5 years.

It takes "tough love", Jaymes. Very tough. The toughest you will ever have to give, and it can suck big time. But the payoff can be well worth it.

Good luck, Jaymes. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.