Mr. P.‘s Laundry thread

[MrPimms]

Laundry seems to be quite a niche kink here, the laundrette becomes a den of inequity. The laundry soap smell mixes with the hints of leather and wood from a back room, clearly marked ‘Private Area’.

In reality: a thread for my own musings on the world.

This thread is to be a place to interact with me, a place for my somewhat strange thoughts. If you require the laundrette’s services, please refer to the signs around, opening hours are at my discretion and please use the rubbish bins as provided.

 

[MrPimms]

While watching Halloween (2018) last night, unhinged thought: Laurie Strode. Hot.

 

[MrPimms]

Could patrons of the laundrette note: despite the name, this laundrette is not a public toilet.

There are ‘restrooms’ for that. For the pedants amongst me, resting in the restrooms is not appropriate and you will be asked to buy a service wash. Again, a service wash does not include ‘personal services’ and, no, I will not put on the rubber gloves.

 

[MrPimms]

After watching Muppets Haunted Mansion, I had the thought of what other Halloween films could be enlightened by the presence of fuzzy puppets.

Muppets Halloween:

Gonzo takes on the role The Shape, the rat keeps him company in search of Halloween sweets that were stolen from him years ago. Alternatively: a straight conversion.

Muppets The Exorcist:

Kermit plays the role of The Exorcist, summoned to a house to perform the ritual. An all out musical escapade, featuring the song “Roosters in Hell” (featuring Swedish Chef)

I mentioned in another thread about Muppets Rocky Horror.

 

[MrPimms]

First customer through the door, service wash. What is it about watching a washing machine that is hypnotic; clothes, soaked and heavy with water, slopping around, what little bubbles form fight to survive, rising to the surface, only to be burst. I’m certain there must be some metaphor hidden in there somewhere, but what do I know, I’m hardly a wordsmith.

 

[MrPimms]

No silliness or words of wisdom today.

Someone who has decided to use their own small deposit of fabric conditioner in the machines.

I know this is a rather unique laundrette, but, even this place has standards.

 

[MrPimms]

Has no one thought, in this ever tedious world of crossover films and multiple universe characters, doing films such as:

Halloween Home Alone: The holiday night he came home to Kevin.

 

[MrPimms]

Happy Halloween!

In honour of this wonderful celebration, I’ve been in fancy dress all day doing service washes. I’ve dropped my fangs in the washing powder so many times, I’m starting to think tea should taste a bit soapy. I’ve had to repeat that no, I am not Shaun from Shaun of the Dead, I am Count Dracula … not my fault the plastic cape kept getting caught in the doors and made me sweat. Yes, I know I’ve got red on me. And no, it won’t come out in the wash.

I’ve eaten more treatsize Mars bars than handed out.

Happy Halloween.

 

[MrPimms]

The Halloween decorations are down now, leaving it a little sparse until those decorations get dragged out. I’d like to thank the kind gentleman who treated the animatronic butler as a sex toy, it might be the same one who made the cobwebs all squishy.

 

[MrPimms]

I’m guessing there’s been a lot of back garden fireworks due to the amount of service washes. No, that’s not a euphemism, although the stains may be appropriate.

After a long day of being knee deep in dirty laundry and a bin chock full of disposable gloves, I’ve been mopping the floors to a soundtrack of show tunes, hair metal and that song that goes doo-da-dah-da-dum. Yeah, I don’t know it either. I was tempted to pop along and post on one of the voice threads because some of the women who post on there, well, sound delightful. I was once told, quite recently (the other day) that my voice sounds like a rusted version of a gold coloured robot from a popular science fiction film skull fucking his sidekick:

“Yes. You like that, don’t you, you degenerate pile of bolts. Wait until the master sees what a mess you’ve made. You’ll be for it then.”

No one wants to hear a hoarse android doing the sexy talk. I think I will refrain from those for now.

 

[MrPimms]

Interesting conversation with a customer today, she drops a lot of laundry off in time for the weekend, but today, she had a tea with me. She said something that caught my imagination: ‘a little knowledge is a dangerous thing’.

Admittedly, as she said that, she hopped off the stool and made her way out.

If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, a little ignorance is a terrifying thing. At least having a little knowledge shows you’ve learned something, you can always build on a little knowledge and become more informed. Ignorance, on the other hand, is a terrifying thing. The three scariest words in the English language are: I don’t know. They’re not terrifying, but show an admission, a willingness to say you don’t know everything.

Maybe the adage implies that holding on to the little you know and pretending you know everything is the danger.

Learn. Develop. It’s exciting.

Normal laundry related discussions will resume. After I’ve inspected this industrial box of washing detergent in the back room. Flip the sign over on your way out. I’ll be … thirty seconds.

 

[MrPimms]

The laundrette is gathering some compliments, which makes me feel quite proud that some of you enjoy the service. As a token of good will, and that the charitable season is almost upon us again, I am going to do something spectacular.

Customers will now be given a complementary ticket to see Mr. Pimms Does The Full Monty Naked Caledar!

That’s right. For one night only, I will be doing the Full Monty! Not like some southern acts, this will be everything off. No delicately placed socks. Photos of the event will be published in a calendar so you can admire the view for the whole of the year.

All you lovely customers have to do is order a service wash!

(If this works, I’ll be able to afford the classy tea bags, and maybe a few fancy pens)

Management notice: customers will be given blindfolds, full refund, or magnifying glass.

 

[Tallulah82]

Dearest Mr Pimms,

This offer sounds too good to be true. I mean, who wouldn't want to sign up for this and cause absolute mayhem?!

If I sign up, can *I* have a cup of classy tea too?

I can bring my own blindfold and magnifying glass.

 

[MrPimms]

Dearest Mr Pimms,

This offer sounds too good to be true. I mean, who wouldn't want to sign up for this and cause absolute mayhem?!

If I sign up, can *I* have a cup of classy tea too?

I can bring my own blindfold and magnifying glass.

Your service wash is ordered and, as such, your golden ticket is hereby attached!

Classy tea. Hmm. How classy? Do you want one of those fancy teapot affairs with all the gubbins? I’ll serve it in one of them fancy cups that you have to stick your pinky out to drink properly.

The management thanks you for bringing your own blindfold!

Rowdiness, heckling are encouraged. If you feel like getting up close, the seats by the tumble dryers can be reserved.

(Oh. If you have tips for getting stains out of silk, much appreciated!)

 

[MrPimms]

That was a waste of a day.

Today, was supposed to be the meeting of the Central Laundrettier Ingenuity Team, a veritable celebration of all things laundry and laundrettery. The CLIT is a highly organised and motivated team, always eager to ferret out the answers, to plunge into matters of all things important to the laundrette owner; whether that be new and exciting coin slots, detergent vending machines, tumble dryers that can take a heavy load. The excitement is never ending when you find your CLIT.

I digress. Not for your delicate ears but for my own rather crusty, erm, ears. I mean. Interest.

I had my ticket, had arranged for Maureen to cover the day, and off I went. Got to the venue, not there. Kept looking at the map every which way: right way up, down, checked the old A to Z (I wonder what the notes are in the back), even asked some passers by. No one could tell me where the CLIT met.

Came home, asked Maureen, and she slapped me. Oh well. Service wash, is it, oh, don’t forget your ticket to The Full Monty Naked Calender event.

 

[MrPimms]

Phew. Service washes have been piled high this weekend. Horny Ethel has been in flirting with me, for an older woman, her hands always seem to find the spot. She reminds me a lot of Ethel from Eastenders of old, especially when she talks about how much she loves her “little Willy”, from the pictures she’s shown, little is not an appropriate adjective, it looks more like it’s come from an psychedelic allotment.

A regular customer has told me that tickets for the Full Monty Naked Calender event are now trading hands on auction sites for a considerable amount.

The choreography for that event is going well. It goes: side, side, suggestive thrust, hip wiggle, sort of like trying to unlock a rusty door without WD40, whip, whip. Side to side, then smooth slide, kind of like going down a metal slide on a hot day. I tried drawing the steps on the floor, but horny Ethel threw a hip out trying to be a backup dancer for me. (If anyone asks, no, it did not happen on laundrette property).

I have ordered baby oil and squirty cream.

If this works out, might be time to close up shop and pursue dreams of taking this strip tease thing on the road!

 

[Darty20]

Hi MrPimms

 

[drobert44]

Dearest Mr Pimms,

This offer sounds too good to be true. I mean, who wouldn't want to sign up for this and cause absolute mayhem?!

If I sign up, can *I* have a cup of classy tea too?

I can bring my own blindfold and magnifying glass.

You English crack me up!

 

[Tallulah82]

Dearest Mr Pimms,

Whilst your launderette may ooze a calmer vibe, I saw this the other day and wondered if you'd like to hang it on the wall.

Tal

 

[MrPimms]

Dearest Mr Pimms,

Whilst your launderette may ooze a calmer vibe, I saw this the other day and wondered if you'd like to hang it on the wall.

Tal

Consider it on display.

 

[MrPimms]

What a whirlwind few weeks.

Allow me to fill you. I’d offer a brew but it seems Carol has forgot to buy milk this morning.

Before embarking on the dizzying heights of my Full Monty Naked Calendar ‘one-night only extravaganza, I played matchmaker. ‘Orny Ethel would have been hauled before the Human Resources department for constant inappropriate behaviour if she was an employee, and if I chose to make a complaint, but, truth be told, most of the time a quick side step and hide behind the counter was enough to dodge a wandering hand. I digress, ‘Orny Ethel always comes in and always raises a smile (she raises a lot more, but don’t let her know that), and she has been talking about wanting a companion. I introduced her to ‘Orny ‘Arold. He’s the sort of man that you think of when you say ‘dirty old man’, wears one of those stained rain coats, laughs like Sid James has smoked eighty Woodbines, and is now my sole responsibility as everyone else has to pop out and get more detergent or milk or fabric conditioner or tissues. You get the idea.

‘Arold and Ethel had their first date here in the laundrette. I got them a slap-up meal for two from Aldi, complete with bottle of cider. I told them it was champagne, put it in fancy bottle and all. Romantic that I am! After they’d chomped their way through a curry, I saw the reason why I’d had foresight to host them after the laundrette had closed.

Have you ever seen two Transformers going at it? Not like in the Bay films, but in the dodgy ones that ‘Arold loaned me? That’s what those two were like. Hip replacements locked in. Viagra popping like smarties. I didn’t even know about the sex swing that popped down from the ceiling.

The next day, they came in holding hands and all loved up. Quite sweet really. They dropped off their service washes and went next door for ‘fancy coffee’.

Warms my heart to know that true love has blossomed right here in my laundrette!

Does anyone know how to get stains out of PVC? The label says machine wash, but it’s been through fourteen times. Anyone?

 

[MrPimms]

Now, to tell you about the extravaganza that was Mr. P’s Full Monty Naked Calendar event!

It was supposed to be a one night only event, but thanks to some clever “social media” marketing, I became a hashtag I’ll have you know, I went on a blistering whistle stop tour of the U.K. Blistering because my ‘agent’ said couldn’t afford the tour bus, but could afford a supply of shoes, well, old tires that masqueraded as flip flops.

I took in the dizzying heights of Basingstoke, Hull, Herne Bay, Mablethorpe and that well known resort: Weston Super Mare! Anywhere that had a laundrette, I was there, doing my choreographed strip tease. Granted, I had to use the facilities to make sure each show had a clean uniform. PoundWorld has never done such a trade on Velcro, needles and thread, and stuffing for my posing pouch.

It all went swimmingly until I got home to find a note from the printers of the calendar, it could not be printed, as magnifying something so small made all the images blurry. It did not go down well in focus groups. I hadn’t got the heart to tell them, it had never gone down well with an appreciative audience either. So. My one night and seven night tour all accounted for memories of a sea of several screaming women. I think I may have hit single figures in attendance at every date.

I am now in the process of modelling my own line of leopard print underwear. Easily washable. Easily removable.

 

[MrPimms]

I figured it’s time for a real post.

When I set the profile up, I listed my sexuality as bi. While that is something I come back to a lot, have talked about it with a few close friends. I think the same profile has contacted me twice with a similar message. I say I think, because both times it has of not great consequence, because both times, the person has made no clear effort to engage with me or show any interest.

This is not a request for messages.

It might be more interesting to message someone and say “oh wow, you have a pair of lungs! I have a pair, too! Let’s talk! How does it feel when you breathe? Do you get that thing where your nose hairs get all horny?” Actually: that last question might just pique my interest. Horny noses are horny. Nasal sex: it’s what all the kinksters will be doing next year, sneezing jizz will be next.

To cut through the tones. Be serious.

Yes, I am now known as the laundry guy with a pretty limited scope, but on a site where men seem to type with a one track mind, the sex chat feels tiresome at times. I can remember being fascinated by talk of positions, preferences, excitement. The fact is: it gets old. It gets old fast. While flirting can be fun, well, it is if you have the handbook, which *checks shelves* is not on mine, I don’t feel like being that guy. I could point to various examples, but potato potato.

You think I’m boring, tedious, one track. Yeah. I am. But I’m the one revelling in my own little world where I have fun.

 

[Cat]

. The fact is: it gets old. It gets old fast. While flirting can be fun, well, it is if you have the handbook, which *checks shelves* is not on mine, I don’t feel like being that guy. I could point to various examples, but potato potato.

You think I’m boring, tedious, one track. Yeah. I am. But I’m the one revelling in my own little world where I have fun.

You are right, very much right even.
It gets old, and it gets old fast.

But.. you are not boring.

 

[MrPimms]

You are right, very much right even.
It gets old, and it gets old fast.

But.. you are not boring.

Thank you, kindly, @Cat