Moving right along... (another sentence that needs work.)

[AG31]

Yesterday a number of you helped me turn this sentence

Her whole body was was suffused with warmth. It focussed/was concentrated deliciously(??) on/gathered deliciously in her breasts/nipples and vagina/between her legs.

into this sentence.

Heat blossomed throughout her body, gathering with delicious intensity in her breasts and sex.

This morning I woke up to noodle over this one. Slashes indicate choices between words and phrases. Square brackets indicate doubt about whether to include at all or not.

Her vagina and anus pulsed. Her clitoris swelled against [the] smoothe silk [of her ___??___]

I'm very interested in the wide variety of what you authors would do with this sentence, but be aware ahead of time that you won't win a prize if you include any of these words: panties, hole, pussy. They set my teeth on edge.

I'm comfortable with clitoris, vagina and anus, but would be happy to find alternatives.

TIA,
AG

Edit: P.S. @FrancesScott introduced (perhaps inadvertently) a variable that I hadn't addressed. I'm imagining a very close 3rd person narrative. She seems to be imagining a more distanced 3rd person narrative.

 

[Cagivagurl]

Porcelain peach.

 

[FrancesScott]

I’m not 100% sure what you are looking to describe here, can you help out? Happy to help, but a little lost at present. Is it her clitoris emerging from its hood of skin?

 

[AG31]

I’m not 100% sure what you are looking to describe here, can you help out? Happy to help, but a little lost at present. Is it her clitoris emerging from its hood of skin?

Just swelling. Have never been aware of the hood thing. I'm imagining this from the woman's POV. You seem to be approaching it from the outside looking in.

 

[FrancesScott]

I'm imagining a very close 3rd person narrative. She seems to be imagining a more distanced 3rd person narrative.

That wasn’t clear to me. Close 3rd is very different of course.

 

[FrancesScott]

There was a hot, urgent pulsing between her legs, both in her rapidly moistening vagina and, less commonly, her lower, tighter opening. And she felt her clitoris swell and harden as her blood surged urgently through her her trembling body. [I’m unsure against what - her partner’s fingers or tongue?]

 

[Djmac1031]

Her vagina and anus pulsed. Her clitoris swelled against [the] smoothe silk [of her ___??___]

I had a commenter once say my descriptive terms were too "clinical." And i took that to heart.

We need those words sometimes, sure. But yeah, that sentence reads less like erotica and more like a medical textbook.

I'm not gonna rewrite it, others have already. But I suppose my advice is simply be mindful of the over use of clinical descriptions and try to break that up and go with more feeling than physical descriptions.

 

[AG31]

But I suppose my advice is simply be mindful of the over use of clinical descriptions

I am mindful, which is why I mentioned that I'm comfortable with them. I'm aware that I'm in the minority with that, but I'm in the minority regarding a lot of the way I write. Haven't been able to find good alternatives. What do you use?

 

[Djmac1031]

Haven't been able to find good alternatives. What do you use?

Lately? Not much lol.

OK but more seriously... I said I wasn't gonna rewrite it, and I have no real context for what exactly is going on. Is she with a partner? Is she masturbating?

I'll give it a go based on masturbation:

Her pussy and anus throbbed in time with her quickened pulse, the stimulation of her powerful vibrator sending shockwaves of pleasure rippling deep within. Her aching clit swelled against smoothe silk of its fleshy hood.

So yeah, used some of the same words just expanded on it.

But obviously everyone writes differently. And my version may not even fit in context of your story. And that's fine. Write it whatever way you like.

 

[AG31]

OK but more seriously... I said I wasn't gonna rewrite it, and I have no real context for what exactly is going on. Is she with a partner? Is she masturbating?

She's not necessarily with someone, but she might be looking at someone or thinking about someone. It's really just a descriptive bit for future use.

I'll give it a go based on masturbation:

She for sure isn't touching herself.

Her pussy and anus throbbed in time with her quickened pulse, the stimulation of her powerful vibrator sending shockwaves of pleasure rippling deep within. Her aching clit swelled against smoothe silk of its fleshy hood.

Ha! You, too, like @FrancesScott refer to the hood. Like I told her, I've never been aware of it. Interesting. Maybe worthy of its own post some day.

But obviously everyone writes differently. And my version may not even fit in context of your story. And that's fine. Write it whatever way you like.

True, true. But it is fun to see how other people respond to a single sentence. Thanks!

 

[FrancesScott]

Ha! You, too, like @FrancesScott refer to the hood. Like I told her, I've never been aware of it. Interesting. Maybe worthy of its own post some day.

I guess it depends how much time you have spent with your face very close to a woman’s genitalia.