Mother's Day - feedback appriciated

[MickNasty]

Yes - its squishy and wooogy but it is what it is. And yes, I'm hypocritical - and here's a stone for someone to cast.

So, that said. I could really use some feedback from those more talented than I. Its a simple mother's day sonnet that I'll make into a card. With that context given, I'd appreciate a word or two to improve it.


A mother’s love, precious gift from heaven
Boundless and selfless identity lost
Born again in the eyes of her children
Always devoted no matter the cost

Raucous laughter, tears raining down faces
Merciless tickles send children squealing
Fleeing from torture, their jailer chases
Feigning recapture, giggles revealing

Kisses on noses sent softly to bed
Tired and worn to their rooms they would creep
Tucked in her covers, the young angel said
“I love you mama” then drifted to sleep
Alone in the darkness, now just us two
My words softly caress, "I love you too"

 

[annaswirls]

Hi MickNasty,

Welcome back!

We now have a feedback thread here for a community based exchange of thoughts, ideas and suggestions about each others poetry.

Feel free to stop by, visit or participate. All are welcome to join in the discussion!

ps your poem upon first reading is perfect for a mother's day card. Any mom would love to receive such a gift!

 

[MickNasty]

Hi MickNasty,

Welcome back!

We now have a feedback thread here for a community based exchange of thoughts, ideas and suggestions about each others poetry.

Feel free to stop by, visit or participate. All are welcome to join in the discussion!

That's what I get for staying away...

Thanks for the info!
Mick.

 

[Angeline]

Hi MickNasty,

Welcome back!

We now have a feedback thread here for a community based exchange of thoughts, ideas and suggestions about each others poetry.

Feel free to stop by, visit or participate. All are welcome to join in the discussion!

ps your poem upon first reading is perfect for a mother's day card. Any mom would love to receive such a gift!

That's was I thought, too. It's very well written and a good sonnet. If I got that for Mother's Day, well I'd cry. In a happy way.

I dunno if it's a perfect sonnet--I didn't check the iambs if you care about that sort of thing--but it certainly looks perfect.

 

[MickNasty]

...If I got that for Mother's Day, well I'd cry. In a happy way.

High praise thank you.

 

[MickNasty]

ps your poem upon first reading is perfect for a mother's day card. Any mom would love to receive such a gift!

Oh my! I was so busy chastising myself for not searching for the appropriate thread that I missed your feedback. Thank you! That was very kind and appreciated.

Mick.

 

[Angeline]

High praise thank you.

You're welcome and it's good to see you here again. Btw, Anna has a great "confessional poetry" thread in the Hangout, if you feel like joining in.

 

[tungtied2u]

My mother is dead.
St. Patrick's day '93
Two reasons to drink
God Bless her.