Most stereotypically outrageous (fake) personal or profile you can come up with

[Andrewlongcock]

This thread is intended just to have a little fun.

We have all seen those profiles or personals that are either too self-absorbed, too cute, too ‘here is my brilliant message to the world’,etc....

So this is your chance to write up a parody of a profile or personal ad that will give us all a laugh.

The only caveat (wearing tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, smoking pipe, ‘ah yes! I shall use the word, caveat, as all good intellectuals should....puff,...puff), is let’s not be too mean.

 

[Andrewlongcock]

Looking for fun lively woman...

Hi I am a 93 year old married white guy, my wife only wants to have sex three times a day, but I need more. Looking for a FWB that is kind, funny, pert, sexy, and can have sex for hours at a time. Ability to use a rotary phone and fix Cream of Wheat are a plus.

 

[Andrewlongcock]

I have a BBBBBD

I have a BBBBBD (big big big big big dick). I will be happy to PM you and talk some, but please realize it is really all about my BBBBBD. I can engage in some superficial discussions on whatever is in the news, and will pretend to support your political point of view as long as the conversation gets back around to my BBBBBD. I am a fun light-hearted sensitive guy that is in touch with my own feelings, and i am giving enough to allow you the space to express your full range of emotions, and I will send you a minimum of 3 pics a day of my VBBBBBD (that is Very BBBBBD)

 

[default24]

I have a BBBBBD (big big big big big dick). I will be happy to PM you and talk some, but please realize it is really all about my BBBBBD. I can engage in some superficial discussions on whatever is in the news, and will pretend to support your political point of view as long as the conversation gets back around to my BBBBBD. I am a fun light-hearted sensitive guy that is in touch with my own feelings, and i am giving enough to allow you the space to express your full range of emotions, and I will send you a minimum of 3 pics a day of my VBBBBBD (that is Very BBBBBD)

I am legit enjoying these, please continue

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I have a BBBBBD (big big big big big dick). I will be happy to PM you and talk some, but please realize it is really all about my BBBBBD. I can engage in some superficial discussions on whatever is in the news, and will pretend to support your political point of view as long as the conversation gets back around to my BBBBBD. I am a fun light-hearted sensitive guy that is in touch with my own feelings, and i am giving enough to allow you the space to express your full range of emotions, and I will send you a minimum of 3 pics a day of my VBBBBBD (that is Very BBBBBD)

PM sent!

 

[baculum]

Avon calling

Hello. I am a 60ish DDNAM (twice Divorced Native American Male) with a fetish for Avon Ladies. Height, weight, age, and ethnicity
do not matter. The only requirements are that you must smell strongly of avon products and you must bring a plentiful supply of
samples with you. And if you douche with deep woods cologne I'll happily go down on you for hours on end.


Post Script: Mary Kay agents need not respond.

 

[Jada59]

Avon calling

Hello. I am a 60ish DDNAM (twice Divorced Native American Male) with a fetish for Avon Ladies. Height, weight, age, and ethnicity
do not matter. The only requirements are that you must smell strongly of avon products and you must bring a plentiful supply of
samples with you. And if you douche with deep woods cologne I'll happily go down on you for hours on end.


Post Script: Mary Kay agents need not respond.

Hahaha! Too funny!

 

[Jada59]

80 YO DWF, white hair, blue eyes, fluffy tail. Yes, tail. They tend to run in my family, every 5th generation.

Seeks male with large appetite and a pickup truck. Must be very fond of KFC. I'd like to eat that every Tuesday. My dream date would be to enjoy a late night snack of KFC, each with our own buckets, while sitting in the bed of your truck, under the stars.

Height, weight, age, skin and eye color, etc., do not matter. But appetite does. When I hear those empty bones dropping into the bottom of the bucket, it leaves me in a near orgasmic state.

Bonus points if you have an inflatable mattress or some such thing so we can copulate under the stars as well. That has always been my dream, but no man has ever lived up to it.

Must be able to sneak me out and back into the nursing home, because they say I'm not allowed to go out.

 

[Jada59]

Hi, fellas! Jutta here. I'm from Germany and proud of it. Age 50. Short black hair with a few gray streaks. Dark brown eyes. I've been told they look beady. Current height is 5' 2". I was a lot taller but I now suffer from Osteoporosis. Weight, 95 pounds. I live with mom and dad and drive a VW. I sell men's clothing for a living. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's measure an inseam!

Now you may wonder why I am taking out a personal ad. Well you see... I've decided it's high time I lose my virginity. I was saving myself for marriage but I've been through menopause, so I can no longer reproduce. So no need for that!

Here is what I'm looking for in a fella:

1. No hair. As in head or body hair. Because hair on a fella could trap germs.
2. Must bathe twice daily with antibacterial soap.
3. Must wear white socks only.
4. Must eat a high fiber diet.
5. Must say prayers before bed. No exceptions.
6. Must say grace before each meal.
7. Must drive a VW.
8. Must be frugal.
9. Must shop at Aldi.
10. Must take shoes off upon entering the house and put on leather slippers.
11. No pets.
12. Must be single. As in never married. Never had a girlfriend.
13. Must be age 52 to 54.
14. Must hang bedding outside daily to air.
15. Must enjoy cheese.
16. Must have his own place.
17. Must have at least one Cuckoo clock.
18. Must own a set of real China.
19. Must use a white table cloth and white cloth napkins.
20. Must be willing to take my virginity in missionary position.
21. Must not want relationship. I deal with enough men at work.

If you think you're fella enough for me, send me a PM. I'll be waiting!

 

[Jada59]

Let me wrap my buns around your wiener. Yes, I'm white and female. Need I say more? Condiments? Or not? You decide. Prefer plump, hot wiener, skin or not. Makes no difference to me. Just need it now!

 

[baculum]

In need of MAN and WOMAN

33yo DJSWH (Double Jointed Single White Hermaphrodite) in search of male and female sexual partners. I'm tired of staying home
alone and fucking myself! Self-intercourse is more complicated than you might think.
I need a man for my tight little pussy and a woman for my modest 7 inch cock.

No anal of any kind!
She will NOT touch him sexually.
She will NOT play with my pussy.
He will NOT touch her sexually.
He will NOT play with my cock.
No one touches my asshole!
There will be NO threesomes.
Condoms WILL be worn during sex.
Face coverings WILL be worn at all times.
You MUST spend 3 weeks in quarantine ALONE before we meet.


Please hurry, I'm getting desperate.

 

[baculum]

80 YO DWF, white hair, blue eyes, fluffy tail. Yes, tail. They tend to run in my family, every 5th generation.

Seeks male with large appetite and a pickup truck. Must be very fond of KFC. I'd like to eat that every Tuesday. My dream date would be to enjoy a late night snack of KFC, each with our own buckets, while sitting in the bed of your truck, under the stars.

Height, weight, age, skin and eye color, etc., do not matter. But appetite does. When I hear those empty bones dropping into the bottom of the bucket, it leaves me in a near orgasmic state.

Bonus points if you have an inflatable mattress or some such thing so we can copulate under the stars as well. That has always been my dream, but no man has ever lived up to it.

Must be able to sneak me out and back into the nursing home, because they say I'm not allowed to go out.

The fluffy tail & sneaking in and out of the nursing home put it over the top.

 

[Jada59]

The fluffy tail & sneaking in and out of the nursing home put it over the top.

Hehehe.

 

[Modern_drunkard]

40-something muh fucker mostly interested in booze, breakfast burritos, John Fante novels and the Jesus and Mary Chain. Has a hard time maintaining conversations unless you have weed and pills to share. If you want to hang out and watch me watch reruns of Threes Company and My Name Is Earl well that is fucking cool I guess.

Oh you said fake profile. My bad homie.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

I wear a left eye patch, bald headed (low maintenance), missing front top front teeth from canine to canine, sagging mini boobs where a double A bra has air pockets, I'm 250 lbs (lots of good mcluvin in store), I'm a master chef and can suck a golf ball through a garden hose (missing teeth are a plus).

I'm available on Tuesdays for demonstrations/dates.

 

[Andrewlongcock]

Too good....

I wear a left eye patch, bald headed (low maintenance), missing front top front teeth from canine to canine, sagging mini boobs where a double A bra has air pockets, I'm 250 lbs (lots of good mcluvin in store), I'm a master chef and can suck a golf ball through a garden hose (missing teeth are a plus).

I'm available on Tuesdays for demonstrations/dates.

This is an instant classic “...suck a golf ball through a garden hose...” - too good and too funny

 

[Andrewlongcock]

Best last line...

40-something muh fucker mostly interested in booze, breakfast burritos, John Fante novels and the Jesus and Mary Chain. Has a hard time maintaining conversations unless you have weed and pills to share. If you want to hang out and watch me watch reruns of Threes Company and My Name Is Earl well that is fucking cool I guess.

Oh you said fake profile. My bad homie.

That is the best last line I have seen on a post...

 

[Jada59]

Are you the man of my dreams?

Turn ons:

Wing tip shoes
Argyle socks
Pants with pleats and cuffs
Neckties
Stuffed tomatoes
Seedy bread
French onion soup
Truffle oil
Battery operated candles
Turkish towels
High thread count sheets

Turn offs:

Fast food
Sports
Ford cars/trucks
Boxer shorts
Athletic shoes
Wallpaper
Soap on a rope
Pencils
The color grey
Insulated cups/mugs of any kind
Knee caps
Chip clips
Throw rugs
Ash trays
Cotton balls
Peanut butter
Hard candy
Things with drawers
Emoticons
Sex

Okay, if you're a really good boy, I guess I will have to give you sex, but don't expect it more than once a month. And think of it as my gift to you!

 

[Andrewlongcock]

Contact me for highly intellectual sex

This personal is for the very few people on Literotica that can comprehend the depth and breadth of an intellectual experience with me that is culminated in a 97 second sexual denouement. I am an endowed professor of historical erotic studies and if I do not look down my nose at someone at least every hour I break out in a rash. Please contact me, I can promise I will pay you half-compliments when you slavishly agree with me, and then I will question your ancestry if you suggest anything that does not adhere to my orthodoxy. Doesn’t this sound like fun? I will also show you my collection of brandy snifters.

 

[Andrewlongcock]

You had me at....

Are you the man of my dreams?

Turn ons:

Wing tip shoes
Argyle socks
Pants with pleats and cuffs
Neckties
Stuffed tomatoes
Seedy bread
French onion soup
Truffle oil
Battery operated candles
Turkish towels
High thread count sheets

Turn offs:

Fast food
Sports
Ford cars/trucks
Boxer shorts
Athletic shoes
Wallpaper
Soap on a rope
Pencils
The color grey
Insulated cups/mugs of any kind
Knee caps
Chip clips
Throw rugs
Ash trays
Cotton balls
Peanut butter
Hard candy
Things with drawers
Emoticons
Sex

Okay, if you're a really good boy, I guess I will have to give you sex, but don't expect it more than once a month. And think of it as my gift to you!

You had me at “argyle socks”...

 

[Modern_drunkard]

Are you the man of my dreams?

Turn ons:

Wing tip shoes
Argyle socks
Pants with pleats and cuffs
Neckties
Stuffed tomatoes
Seedy bread
French onion soup
Truffle oil
Battery operated candles
Turkish towels
High thread count sheets

Turn offs:

Fast food
Sports
Ford cars/trucks
Boxer shorts
Athletic shoes
Wallpaper
Soap on a rope
Pencils
The color grey
Insulated cups/mugs of any kind
Knee caps
Chip clips
Throw rugs
Ash trays
Cotton balls
Peanut butter
Hard candy
Things with drawers
Emoticons
Sex

Okay, if you're a really good boy, I guess I will have to give you sex, but don't expect it more than once a month. And think of it as my gift to you!

If you wear pants with pleats and cuffs you are one sad muh fucker.

 

[Jada59]

If you wear pants with pleats and cuffs you are one sad muh fucker.

Thankfully, I don't!

 

[NeonSubtlety]

done at BBBBBD. Can't stop laughing to myself.

Reminds me of this daniel tosh routine:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-HZyN-_ztY

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

done at BBBBBD. Can't stop laughing to myself.

Reminds me of this daniel tosh routine:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-HZyN-_ztY

This one's a bit clearer:

https://youtu.be/5O4bZYpSo2o

 

[Jada59]

Hi guys! Do you have a passion for pastels? On edge for the ova? Gaga for grass? Plastic or otherwise... Beside yourself for bunnies and baskets? Feverish for a festival? Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'll confess. *Shy grin* My fetish is....

Easter! No, not the religious aspect but all the commercial trappings.

My ideal date would be entering your house to find you wearing a rabbit costume. I would squeal with delight as I sat beside you on a rickety wooden bench as a photographer snapped our pic.

Then you would whisk me off to the dining room. There would be flowers on the table. Perhaps tulips, daffodils or daisies. And a ham. A big, juicy, oven baked ham, covered in clove studded pineapple rings. You choose the sides. Surprise me!

After dinner, you'd hand me a basket with grass in the bottom and I'd hippity hop all over your house, looking for those plastic "Fill N'Thrill" eggs. Oooh... I am tittilated just thinking about it. What surprises lurk within?

Then off to the bedroom where you'd slowly take off my fancy dress, frilly socks, rhumba panties, and white patent leather shoes and place them next to my white purse and Easter bonnet.

After a nice roll in the hay, we'd share a chocolate rabbit. Ears first? Or feet?

And for breakfast, freshly squeezed orange juice and hard boiled eggs that you decorated before I came.

Okay guys, I'm waiting. Entice me!