morning rant of blueness

[the captians wench]

I don't know why this is hitting me today, but I've got a bad case of the why me's.

I know I mention my ex here a lot, and the truth of the matter, for those who don't know is that we are still leagally married, just haven't lived together for 2 years. There are a few different reasons why I haven't pushed the issue of getting everything leagalized. The one I hide behind is he was the one that wanted out of this marrage and put me thru hell so that I would want out, so i don't see why i should have to pay for it. The truth is I'm recieving bennifits from his union that I just can't afford to loose. Right now his union dues pay for my medical insurance, along with eye and dental. So it's all free to me except for my part of the bills. I can't afford the insurance that Mcd's offers, and it's not as good as his anyway.

He also seems to feel like he has to take care of me since we are still married. So every now and then he'll check on me, buy me lunch or give me some money or just get me out of the house for a while. And I have to admit, it's just nice to have some one looking out for me here, especially since I feel like I don't really have anyone I can rely on here (not that he's really all that reliable either).

Anyway, last time he came by he took me for lunch, and on the way we stopped over at his grandfather's apt, which is right across the lot from me. While we were there, his mom started to say something to him, and then decided to take him outside and talk to him. When we left he told me what they were talking about.

His great aunt's estate is being sorted. This lady had bank accounts everywhere and in just about everyone's name. A few years ago when we were hurting for money, and she'd just been put in the hospital, his grandfather gave us part of his inheritance, 5 $1000 savings bonds which were pretty close to maturing. Well it turns out that she also had a CD in his and his grandfather's name. This is well matured and it looks like it would bring him a good amount of change even when they split it.

I can't help but think about how lucky he is. There just always seems to be some one there to help him out, and money just seems to be thrown at him. He got transfured to a different pharm, which is closer to where he lives now, they are paying him almost double what he was making before, he has a new heafty title, and some other person is doing most of the work that his title is suposed to intale. He's almost done with school, he's been living with his dad for 2 years and so almost has all his dept paid, and in another year or so he's going to pretty much be set.

Until I turned 18 I always felt like every one around me was very suportive and would be there for me. Since then my aunt laid me off from my first real job, my mom kicked me out of her house twice (once as a teen and then again when I seperated from my husband), and my dad gave me a van that he now after a year wants back. He on the other hand spent most of his childhood alone and now his family would bend over backwards for him.

As I'm sitting here trying to find enough material around the house to make costumes to get just a bit of spare cash, I can't help but think this just isn't fair. He did me wrong, and now his life is in order and I'm strugling to buy food every month. And now he's getting this extra bit, and I can't help but think that I deserve some of that.

But why do I deserve it? Because a little piece of paper says we're still married? Because I feel like I deserve/need it more? Why should I get any of it, why should I even be thinking about it?

Okay, so I know why I'm thinking about it. It's been a hard couple of weeks with jounar's dsl being down and I'm missing him again. And when I get to missing him I get to thinking about my trip that's all but booked. I just can't seem to get even a good start on saving for it anymore. And then I think about how my ex said he spent his birthday, at a BnB with his new girl. And he takes her on weekend trips every so often. And I remember when we were living together he'd go out of state with some buds sometimes (I would be left to figure out how we could afford it, but always managed and always kissed him and smiled as he left. I wasn't working at the time so I didn't feel like I should deny him this little joy but I always wondered why I could never go.) And then the last trip he made, Our aniversery/his birthday weekend with a girl he met online. Heh, I had a birthday lunch with him the day he left for that trip, kissed him and smiled wishing he would stay knowing he was going to go, knowing what was going to happen even tho he promised it wouldn't.

My entire life I've wanted to travel. I don't care where, I just like to see different places, something new. Our whole marriage I worked hard to see that he would get to do all the traveling he wanted, in hopes that I would have my turn. I never did of course, and sometimes that doubt that I ever will creeps in.

The truth of the matter is, I'm jellous. I work my ass off and put 120% into everything I do, and I strugle. While he half asses everything and he has everything he wants.

So this is the point when I remind myself that I do have people in my life who love me. And my love is there just waiting for me, but is supporting me everyday. And I am in line for a permotion, I just have to make it thru the next couple of months. And they're fast tracking me, so in a few years I'll have my own store and be on my way to the training job and all the travel I can deal with. And my skill with the needle is improving and I'm expanding my expertice and my portfolio so in a few years with the help of some of mom's friend's in cali I could be doing costumes which would be my dream job. And yes it has been a strugle, but my apt is all mine now. My lappy is all mine, the first thing I've ever paid for all myself. So things are moving up for wenchie, just maybe not as quickly as I'd like them to.

Okay, I'm done ranting...i do feel better tho.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh everyone is entitled to a rant now and then, especially when really pissed off at life in general. Having been through separation, divorce and raising 2 kids alone while their father was god knows where and not interested in even phoning his children, let alone seeing them or paying something toward their life, I know how frustrating and damn hard it can be at times. Bottom line is though, no-one is going to rescue us at times like that, and if they do there is always the nagging thought for what or how long and that old dependency thing eating us up and not doing anything to make us independent.

My first bit of advice would be to get the divorce. Forget about who's fault it is, what he is doing now, why you shouldn't have to do it, they are all excuses and keep you locked in the past. Stop him dropping in to take you out, or buy you lunch and tell you about his new life....it is over with him and you and until you really accept that and live it, you will still spend wasted energy in angst over the past and present which you can't change.

So what if he has all these perks? Sounds pretty much like he is being carried by others, family and fellow employees...family die or get tired of moochers, and fellow employees sometimes get tired of doing someone elses work and letting them take credit and so the one who is bludging gets found out and loses it all. He is not building a life of his own and developing coping skills, he is drifting and having a good time.....for now. You on the other hand are struggling, but also building a future which will be better and more secure based on your own initiative and skills, which long term gives you something to build on and feel proud of. You might take a little longer to be financialy independent and comfortable, but it will be on your own merits and also long term as you have developed what you need to maintain and build on it....he isn't, he is just using and cashing in on opportunity.

My ex is still wanting to be rescued and felt sorry for. I on the other hand went back to school in the real world with the teenagers, got my high school diploma and went on to university and got my degree and established a career and paid a mortgage. I know which one feels better at the end of the day and which gave me skills to live the rest of my life and not wait to be rescued. Hang in there...it gets better, but first you have to release yourself from the baggage of the past, come to terms with it, and move on and up.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Sorry you are feeling down wenchie... {{{{{HUG}}}}}

Life ain't fair, and expecting it to be only brings disappointment and hurt.

But you will get through this, and there will be better times ahead. In the meantime, feel free to vent here with us.

 

[Shankara20]

glad you got that out of your system.

's and 's for you

 

[myinnerslut]

no matter what we you



hope things start working out faster

{HUG}

 

[callinectes]

Take care Wenchie. Big Hugs!

 

[the captians wench]

Thanks everyone.

I do feel tons better. Spent the day out and about with my mom. I just have to keep reminding myself that things really aren't that bad for me, and a little struggle now will pay off big later.

 

[JMohegan]

I feel like I don't really have anyone I can rely on here

Oh yes you do, Wench.

And she's smart and hard-working.

Resilient.

Friendly and kind.

And I am in line for a permotion, I just have to make it thru the next couple of months. And they're fast tracking me, so in a few years I'll have my own store and be on my way to the training job and all the travel I can deal with. And my skill with the needle is improving and I'm expanding my expertice and my portfolio so in a few years with the help of some of mom's friend's in cali I could be doing costumes which would be my dream job. And yes it has been a strugle, but my apt is all mine now. My lappy is all mine, the first thing I've ever paid for all myself.

See that? What did I tell ya....

She's doing just fine.

 

[wynnie]

HUGS!!!! Hey anytime you need an ear to yell in ... smiles... mine is here. Everyone needs that once in a while!! I am glad you are feeling better... HUGS... take care

 

[FurryFury]

Wench, OMGoodness, life just isn't fair. Still you are really making strides and you know that.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

Rant away. I'm not very good at giving advice, but I'm always good for an e-hug and a sympathetic ear...er, eye.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

i know how you're feeling wenchie and i go through the same thoughts with my ex husband. when we were together he did nothing for me, he had a good job but i'm not sure where the money went because every month we had one or two utilities shut off because he didn't pay them. i went through a whole winter with 2 kids in a trailer that had NO heat. he made too much for us to qualify for food stamps but he wouldn't buy food, so we had to go to his mom's house to eat and she would bring home stuff from the hospital cafeteria she worked at. He was abusive to me ...

now, he is remarried, never has to worry about his utilities being shut off because he pays every bill on time. he treats her like a queen and it just seems like he has EVERYTHING handed to him while i sit here struggling to make ends meet. our son lives with him because he is better cared for there considering i'm a single mom with no job and no experience at 30 years to get anything because i've been a stay at home mom my whole life. i've had one job my entire life and that was just last year. i was a telemarketer and that company decided to close. he bitches when i ask him to bring our son to me because he says he always does all the driving (he lives 12 miles away) and he does, but it's not like i have the gas to do it. when i was working it was different. GRRRR *smiles* guess i needed a rant of my own. but back to you *giggles* things will get better. you are working your way up where he is just having things handed to him. his inheritance will not last forever and then what? i agree with cat that you need to let go of him and move on or you will continue to feel the way you're feeling.

you two are over with but there is no closure because you are still married and you still do things together. i know it will suck to lose his benefits but you can't keep using that as an excuse to hang on. you need to move on, and in order to do that you need to be divorced and not hang around him anymore, and then you will start seeing things in a different light. i did this same thing when i left my ex husband. i would go up there and fix him dinner or go out with him when he wanted me to go out, but when i stopped doing that
i started feeling better about myself and my life and for the first time i was able to move on.....good luck to you and keep your chin up, you are doing well.

 

[FurryFury]

I, at one time, expected my life to be difficult like these posts. Somehow I caught a break. We are by no means rich but we do fine and I tend to be frugal as does my husband. I'm so grateful for what we do.

I feel for you guys though.

*hugs and hugs*

Fury

 

[the captians wench]

I'm feeling worlds better today. Thanks to every one for the hugs and support.

I think I was just feeling a little frusterated, but the problem has passed for the most part. I've been a little stressed out and haven't had the subby time to calm my head the past few weeks. The whole being in charge gig really drains me. I really am happier to follow some one elses lead, but some of the other managers at work just don't seem to have any understanding of how to run things.

Like today for instance. I'm running late getting off the clock, which means I'm going to have to be cut some where latter in the week, I'm counting down a drawer trying to get my stuff done and I hear one of our M.I.Ts calling out "wenchie I need you". I keep swearing to myself that I'm not going to get up, and keep waiting for the other manager to send help to her, but she didn't. So i got up and started helping on table making sandwiches but I noticed we just couldn't keep up with the orders. So I asked the other manager who she had up front with her. Well she had 3 service people, plus herself and the girl in the back dt window, and only 2 production (food) peoples plus me who wasn't suposed to be back there anyway. So I yell at her to send one of the crew back, we're not ballanced which is why they keep waiting on food. She huffs and puffs at me and finally sends him back to us the whole time saying "well I don't care the people at the counter will just have to wait. They can wait all day for all I care' and so on. I looked up at her and said "m, you're both just standing there waiting on food, we need another production person so you can get the food to them". Well i was right and once he came back things started to roll like they should. I just couldn't get my head around her reasoning, they're waiting on food, so why keep some one when they aren't in a productive position....

And this isn't the only manager that does this. There just seems to be the thinking that if there are customers we need to take their order as quickly as possible to get them out. But they don't follow the thought threw to that they are not getting any food, so taking more orders faster isn't getting the food faster. I had to convince one of our assistant managers that it was better to open both sides of the table than to split the order taker and cash duties in dt. "we're not getting food so lets take more orders"

And these things have been happening a lot lately. So I'm just stressing and don't want to be the boss no more. *giggles* I really need some time to just relax and follow orders, pamper and serve just one person rather than trying to do 100 in an hour.

But really I do feel better. *giggles*