Morning Art.

[a_d3vilish_rose]

[Morning Art]

you are my porcelain cup; i drink
the morning dew glistening upon your back
the droplets hanging between your flesh

the cadence and rhythm of murmured words
is drowned out by the pounding in my head
my heart now swollen with baited breath

the artist in my fingers delight in tracing
the shadows draping your neck and down
past soft valleys and voluptuous peaks

i clutch my masterpiece and the world
falls away in movements and lace
your eyes and your cries and your enveloping limbs

the sweet release lingers past the dawn
the sweat now drapes our bodies in
an intimate portrait of passion and love​

Comments welcome.

 

[butters]

i will come back to this when i have the time. welcome to the forum!

this has some lovely phrases that stand out, and some places where a little judicious editing would benefit imo. as i said, i will be back with details please take a look around and feel free to post your opinions on our threads here. honesty is valued (by most, at least) and acceptance that our own opinions might not gel with others is a given

 

[butters]

(for Tess, I'm going to use caps punctuation here )

I did say I'd be back - sorry for the delay I'll run through this bit by bit with my thoughts, as they arrive... please feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with or, if you'd prefer, discuss those points. It's all good:

you are my porcelain cup; i drink
the morning dew glistening upon your back
the droplets hanging between your flesh

Really like the opening line, and the line-break you opted for there. While 'glistening' works with 'drink' in the previous and 'hanging' in the next line, and reads easy enough, I feel there's an overworking there of the sound - just a little. This is probably more down to 'hanging' in the third line than 'glistening'. As a whole, though, I feel unsure about it; in fact, I feel unsure about the word 'hanging' altogether. The visuals conjured become less 'dewy folds of rose petals at dawn' and more the (to me) uglier (and please excuse the vulgarity of the term) 'hanging meat-flaps'. Now, each to their own, but the latter simply does not fit with the delicacy implied by 'porcelain cup' and its attendant likelihood of floral decoration. If you could find a way to lose 'hanging', and replace it with another, more sympathetic, word, then I believe my uncertainty over the word 'glistening' would evaporate with the dew!

the cadence and rhythm of murmured words
is drowned out by the pounding in my head
my heart now swollen with baited breath
I'm liking your use of sound here, a_d3vlish_rose. The first line sets up a rhythm that easily suggests the motions of copulation. You could afford to lose 'out' in l2 unless it is your intention to use it as a 'thrust' sound.. I suppose that could work but it loses something for me, personally. Liking your l3 there, because even though a swollen heart and baited breath are a little cliché, when you work them together this way they seem to lose some of that effect and become more an honest expression describing a sensation.

the artist in my fingers delight in tracing
the shadows draping your neck and down
past soft valleys and voluptuous peaks
'delight' ought to read 'delights'. I don't believe l2's 'the' lends anything and you'd not lose meaning by taking it out and I like the ambiguity of 'down' lending this dimension. I will cede you 'soft valleys' but not 'voluptuous peaks'. In this instance the use of both clichés still feels hackneyed. If you're going for valleys and peaks, I'd recommend you select more original qualifiers to make for fresher reading. What you did was, imo, go for the easy option but it let your write down.

i clutch my masterpiece and the world
falls away in movements and lace
your eyes and your cries and your enveloping limbs
Not sure I approve of the message you send out with that single small word 'my' in l1 there. Ok, I get that it's the 'artist' stirring this subject to rosy hues and waterfalls of dewiness, so - I grudgingly accept - that there's a precedence for claim of ownership but if held up against the already created visual of her as (another artisan's creation) a 'porcelain cup', I'm not convinced the narrator can take full credence for ownership. Besides which, that small word bringing all this into question also raises the point of mixing your metaphors in a way that might cause a small conflict - unless the porcelain cup becomes the canvas the artist goes on to decorate. All this over that one tiny word! If you changed it to 'this', I'd have probably never gone down that thought-route!

Right, I love that second line, 'movements and lace' works so well imo. L3 could afford to lose either that first 'and' (though that might call into question the need for a comma, and it's clear that this piece is punctuation-less) or (maybe better) that last 'your'. It would do away with the need of a comma and the whole line runs smoother to my ear:

your eyes and your cries and enveloping limbs

Yeah, that works better from where I'm typing.

the sweet release lingers past the dawn
the sweat now drapes our bodies in
an intimate portrait of passion and love[/CENTER]
First 'the' ... hmmn ... this? our? 'this' would retain sound-links that feel important to your write. Or perhaps changing the one in l2 to 'as'.... 'this' and 'as' would work together to bind that relationship. 'sweet release' is, again, flirting heavily with the too-often used phrase but I don't truly object to its use here. It'd be nice to be able to find a novel way of saying what it conjures already. Now, that 'in' tagged onto the end of l2 - this is the ONE place you've opted for an incomplete thought or image throughout this. Makes me question why? I grant you that it reads smoothly enough (yeah, I'm being ultra-close-up on this. It's not an insult, it's just me being curious about a write); was it simply for smoothness of sound, or does it serve another purpose? The problem is, when something like that draws my attention in, zoom-wise, then it makes me question the rest of the line; and what I'm now thinking is 'how can their bodies be draped in an intimate portrait?' I appreciate that sweat now replaces the dewy morning glistening and why - I can visualise the draping effect, like a cloth/curtain veiling the masterpiece. What I can't 'get' is that the bodies (a masterpiece in themselves) can be 'draped in an intimate portrait of ...'. So, if you do away with that 'in' you manage to do two things: keep to the well-executed display of line-breaks that run through the rest of the write and allows sense and sensibilities to be reunited in a phrase that makes sense.


Comments welcome. [/QUOTE]
Right, then, to sum up: though it appears I've pulled this to pieces, it's actually not bad at all but what it has is the potential to be polished to a much better shine. I do feel you went with some of the tired options rather than reach for something fresh, and your write would be improved by looking at those areas again and striving to replace the dodgy bits. I do like what you convey in the write, the sentiment of it. It doesn't exclude the reader but embraces them, since it calls upon the readers' own experiences of lovemaking. Therefore the reader is investing something of their own into the reading of your poem, creating that vital interaction.

Thankyou for posting this poem, a_d3vlish_rose, because it's allowed me to engage the brain and set me thinking. If there's anything of value here for you in my remarks, that's great - if not, I've still enjoyed the process.