More Humour

[Sammael Bard]

Teacher: As you all know, tomorrow is the final exam. Other than being hospitalization or a death in your family, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here.

Student: What about extreme and utter sexual exhaustion?

(The class bursts into a fit of giggles)

Teacher: Well, you'll have to write your test with your other hand.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Hullo guys! I brought something back from the beach for y'all.

I like the way the lollies are positioned above the Nutty Crunch! Mmmm nom nom nom.

 

[oggbashan]

Hullo guys! I brought something back from the beach for y'all.

I like the way the lollies are positioned above the Nutty Crunch! Mmmm nom nom nom.

One of our local seaside shops sells penis-shaped ice lollies. They are kept on a shelf behind and slightly under the counter. If you are tall enough to see them, you are old enough to buy them. They come in pink (strawberry), black (dark chocolate), and brown (milk chocolate). They are all circumcised.

I am told that if you order the day before, you can have them in yellow (vanilla) or even Rainbow (neapolitan).

Most purchases seem to be made by single-sex groups, not couples or families.

 

[NaokoSmith]

One of our local seaside shops sells penis-shaped ice lollies.

Fab!

I mean ... they are not Fabs (name of UK ice lolly, American cousins!).

How hilarious!

 

[oggbashan]

Fab!

I mean ... they are not Fabs (name of UK ice lolly, American cousins!).

How hilarious!

You need Chutzpah to walk along the promenade sucking a chocolate penis - unless there are a group of you all sucking them.

 

[NaokoSmith]

You need Chutzpah to walk along the promenade sucking a chocolate penis - unless there are a group of you all sucking them.

And what was his number ...? <snerk>

 

[Handley_Page]

They walk among us

These are among the Local Government Association's top 10 most unusual Freedom of Information requests.


What plans are in place to protect the town from a dragon attack? (Wigan Council)

Please list all the types of animals you have frozen since March 2012, including the type and quantity of each animal. (Cambridge City Council)

How many times has the council paid for the services of an exorcist, psychic or religious healer? Were the services performed on an adult, child, pet or building? (Rossendale Council)

Please can you let me know how many roundabouts are located within your council boundaries. (Leicestershire County Council)

What precautions, preparations, planning and costings have been undertaken in the case an asteroid crashes into Worthing, a meteorite landing in Worthing or solar activity disrupting electromagnetic fields? (Worthing Borough Council)

How many holes in privacy walls between cubicles have been found in public toilets and within council buildings in the last 10 years? (Rossendale Council)

How many bodies are there in mortuaries that have been unclaimed for 10 years? How long have these bodies been in the mortuary? How old were they when they died? Is it possible to have the names of these people? (Richmond Council)

How many people in the town have a licence to keep a tiger, lion, leopard, lynx or panther as a pet? (Scarborough Council)

How many requests were made to council-run historic public-access buildings (e.g. museums) requesting to bring a team of "ghost investigators" into the building? (Birmingham Council)

How many children in the care of the council have been micro-chipped? (Southend Council)

 

[oggbashan]

These are among the Local Government Association's top 10 most unusual Freedom of Information requests.
...

How many children in the care of the council have been micro-chipped? (Southend Council)

Given the propensity of some children in council care to abscond frequently, micro-chipping some of them is almost sensible. If GPS could be included as well?

Perhaps both could be extended to elderly residents of care homes? My father, in the last five years of his life, was physically fit but didn't know where he was living, or whether he had eaten breakfast of not. He would walk out the door of the residential home for a 'stroll' of ten miles or more.

Most times he came back, but sometimes he didn't. I had stuffed his pockets with my contact details and would frequently get calls from strangers or the Police - "I think your father is here." I would climb into my car and collect him, again. If he had been fitted with GPS I would have been less worried.

His furthest distance from the residential home was 25 miles. He had walked before breakfast, eaten his breakfast, and had started on his 'stroll'. Instead of turning around he kept going and going. He had stopped for lunch in a pub - I found the receipt in his jacket pocket - but instead of returning after the meal he kept walking.

 

[Handley_Page]

"I'm Not Very Bright" Quotes

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. - Marshall McLuhan

I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler

I have nothing intelligent to say. - Meg Tilly, when approached by a TV reporter asking questions on her way into the 1997 Oscar ceremonies.

I am not denying anything I did not say. -Brian Mulrooney

I really didn't say everything I said. - Yogi Berra

I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people and you've got dumb people. - Keanu Reeves

My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave. -Burt Reynolds

I'm no actor, and I have sixty-four pictures to prove it. - Victor Mature

Of all the things I've ever lost I miss my mind the most. - Steven Tyler

 

[Handley_Page]

Answers From Family Feud

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sister

 

[StrangeLife]

"From now on I'm gonna be Frank with you", said the female-to-male transsexual...

 

[DG Hear]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc ?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went bang, bang. Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ? asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.

The doctor replied ,My point exactly.

 

[Sammael Bard]

I don't know about you guys, but girls that wear pink camo piss me off.

What you huntin' child? Flamingos?!?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I don't know about you guys, but girls that wear pink camo piss me off.

What you huntin' child? Flamingos?!?

Oh, I don't know, I think I would let her clean my gun. . .
http://www.sportygirlapparel.com/images/neonpinkcamoflaugebikiniforcountrygirls.jpg

 

[Handley_Page]

She can use my shower ANY time.
[just so's she leaves the ignition key . . ]

 

[JKendallDane]

A newlywed couple had only been in their new home a few days when the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and sarcastically replied, "What do I look like...Joe the Plumber?"

A few days went by and the wife asked for another favor. "Honey, the car is acting funny. I think it needs a tune up. Could you take care of that for me?"

Once again he got snarky with: "What do I look like...Mr. Goodwrench?"

Just a day later, the wife found a leak in the roof. She tried yet again to get her husband to help by asking: "Can you patch it?"

Before flopping down on the couch with a beer to watch the ball game on TV, he smarted off with: "What do I look like...Bob Vila?"

The next weekend it rained something fierce and the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't dripping anymore either. Then he remember how well his wife's car had run when he used it the day before. When she returned home, he asked, "Sweetie, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running fine?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh,the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, John. What a nice man. He came over while you were at work one day and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?"

"No, he said he'd do it for free so long as I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"

"Cake? Who the hell do I look like...Betty Crocker?"

 

[DG Hear]

Why is sex like pizza?

When its good, its pretty good and when its bad, well, its
still pretty good.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Why is sex like pizza?

When its good, its pretty good and when its bad, well, its
still pretty good.

Well I have thrown bad pizza out, but I have never thrown out bad sex.

 

[StrangeLife]

Well I have thrown bad pizza out, but I have never thrown out bad sex.

I have. I'm on my second marriage now...

 

[BuckyDuckman]

107 Reasons Why Beer is Better than a Woman

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than
dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves
you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials
with babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman"
instead of "doberperson".
83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer,
it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable
juice.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting
down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean
airliner out of the sky.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share
your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration
sports in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes *good*.
96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then
decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
grocery store.
100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse
"just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't
accuse you of it).
101. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a
Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the
National Football League.
102. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the
excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on
channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene
Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that
tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer
doesn't make you ill.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

62 Reasons Why a Cucumber is Better than a Man:

1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and ... you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. If you can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie at a drive in you can stay in the front seat.
12. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
13. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
14. A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
15. A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?'
16. Cucumbers don't care whether you're a virgin.
17. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
19. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
20. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on men's room wall.
21. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
22. Cucumbers won't ask: 'Am I the best', 'How was it?' 'Did you come?', 'How many times?'
23. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser.
24. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.
25. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
26. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
27. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
28. You can dish a cucumber up for dinner to your Brother-in law
& Sister, after fucking it.
29. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
30. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
31. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
32. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
33. A cucumber won't give it up for lent.
34. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
35. Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
36. A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
37. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to sleep
in the wet spot.
38. A cucumber won't work your crossword in ink.
39. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
46. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
47. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're in the shower.
48. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
49. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
50. Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
51. A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another woman or another cucumber.
52. You will always know where your cucumber has been.
53. A cucumber never has to call 'the wife'.
54. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
55. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
56. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
57. You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber.
58. A cucumber won't leave town on New Years Eve.
59. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
60. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
61. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
62. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.

 

[Handley_Page]

Oh, Boy are there matters to discuss in that list!

 

[desiwife16]

nice ones

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Oh, Boy are there matters to discuss in that list!

Probably on BOTH lists, LOL

 

[Handley_Page]

The Divorce

He spent the first day following his divorce packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a Kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few Half-eaten prawns dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When his ex returned with her new partner, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked !!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agent refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex called and asked her how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.

He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and asked if they would be willing to reduce their divorce settlement in exchange for him getting the house.

Knowing he had no idea how bad the smell was, they agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the ex and her partner stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
And just to spite her ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?