Mood lighteners.....I can't find the old threads

[matriarch]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[Liar]

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

Male...... What's that? Oh, a fart? Yeah, heh, farts are fun.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

SHOES (shooz)
female: a fashion accessory worn on the lower extremities having complex and nuanced semiotic capabilities
male: what you have to put on your feet to go the garage

VACUUM CLEANER (vakyoom kleenr)
female: a suction device used in cleaning floors and carpets
male: that thing that catches my coat in the hall closet

HAMPER (hampr)
female: a temporary repository for soiled clothing
male: see "floor"

 

[matriarch]

SHOES (shooz)
female: a fashion accessory worn on the lower extremities having complex and nuanced semiotic capabilities
male: what you have to put on your feet to go the garage

VACUUM CLEANER (vakyoom kleenr)
female: a suction device used in cleaning floors and carpets
male: that thing that catches my coat in the hall closet

HAMPER (hampr)
female: a temporary repository for soiled clothing
male: see "floor"

exactly. You catch on qwik.

 

[matriarch]

Male...... What's that? Oh, a fart? Yeah, heh, farts are fun.

Thank you soooo much for proving the point.

 

[Liar]

Thank you soooo much for proving the point.

I prefer belching though.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Mat, those are great! Thanks for posting.

 

[gauchecritic]

Pillow talk (pilo tawk)

Female. Post coital conversation

Male. Pillows talk?


Camera. (camra)

Female. A device for capturing pictures.

Male. A device. Any device. Gadget, that's it, a gadget.


Romance. (ro-mans)

Female. Heartfelt gestures surrounding courtship.

Male. A device for capturing.

 

[Guest]

Pillow talk (pilo tawk)

Female. Post coital conversation

Male. Pillows talk?

 

[matriarch]

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown Emu behind him. A waitress asked for their orders.

The man said "A hamburger, chips and a beer," turned to the Emu and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the Emu.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she said. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact money to pay the bill.

The next day, the man and the Emu went in again and the man said, "A hamburger, chips, and a beer."

The Emu said, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount of money for the meals.

This become routine until the two entered again later in the week.

"The usual?" asked the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," said the man.

"Same," said the Emu.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer and asked "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," said the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the shed and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a cold beer or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress then asked, "But, sir, what's with the Emu?"

The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs who would agree with everything I say."


Laughing my fat arse off......perfect way to start the day.

 

[~GliterDollie~]

*lol* I loved those! Thanks for sharing!

 

[matriarch]

Love this link.........just sent to me by my brother.

Jack Schitt ...........*chortle*