Mom/Son Story Idea

ravensfx

Really Experienced
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Dec 31, 2004
Posts
160
Chapter One

Catherine's son, Matthew, is home for the summer vacation from UCLA. He really loathes Seattle since it has little that California has: the exotic nightlife, nude beaches, and lots of college girls that just want sex. Yet, it did have a lot of married women for private sex parties that paid extremely well. Most of the women were in their late thirties or early forties. It didn’t matter to him. It was sex. At school, he couldn’t fulfill the older women’s fantasies except on stage. He found an agency made sure the women were disease free, paid up front, and no husbands. It paid the bills and it was fun. A lot were married though met him at hotels.

He loved the intimacy of just one more than a group so he was becoming more of a sex toy for wealthy women than a stripper. He was in demand due to his good looks. He was just over six foot tall and athletic. His deep blue eyes, bronze tan, and wavy blonde hair were a fixture of anyone that wanted to be a top male stripper or a convenient lover in Los Angeles. Anywhere for that matter. Of course, he did have eight inches of manhood that was also about two inches thick. He was smaller than some but it worked better for him with women. He didn’t have to be as careful as most. Size was expected on stage though not in the bedroom. Endurance and sensuality was his other quality; he could last for an hour or so if the woman wanted him to and had no problem saying or doing anything that made them comfortable.

His mother was sexually liberated and didn’t mind near nakedness around the house since the divorce when he was just a kid. She walked around the house in lacy camisoles or silky gowns in the morning. He just sat around the house in boxer shorts. He always noticed her. Her hourglass figure left little to the imagination. Sumptuous breasts, long legs, and shapely rearend. He loved how her shoulder-length reddish hair framed her heart-shaped face. Luscious lips, green eyes, and her expertly applied makeup. For only thirty-eight, she was quite noticeable by everyone including his friends.

Matt woke up on a sunny Saturday morning at about six o’clock. Shafts of light came through the blinds illuminating his room. He had got in late. Not late enough to keep his schedule. His mom was already asleep so he just went to bed. The sun was nice on his skin as he stretched before the window. He slipped on some boxers and walked groggily to the kitchen. There were cotton. Not bad. Mom must have bought some clothes for him for college.

His mom was already there waiting on coffee. She was just standing there in satin red gown with a black lacy bodice. He studied her for a moment from the shadow of the doorway then walked in. She had her hands on the counter looking down so she didn’t notice he had come in. He snuggled up behind her with his arms around her waist, kissed her on the cheek, and said, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” she said, touching his arms. “Sorry I wasn’t up last night. Hard day at work. Just wanted to get some sleep. Sleep good?”

His body molded into hers. She smelled nice. Probably her strawberry shampoo. She had to feel his hardness against her. He let go not wanted her to think anything. Maybe not wanting him to think anything. She was liberated but not that liberated. She did feel it hoping he would move away. Last night didn’t give her any opportunity to play with herself. He was her son. Yet, he felt good against her aching body. The workout was tough yesterday. Her body was just a little tired. Too much yesterday. Keep up her shapely figure it did so she took hot baths to soothe out the pain.

“Yeah, I slept fine,” he said, massaging her shoulders. “You seem pretty tense. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get this.”

“I’d rather have the massage.”

His kissed her shoulder and she sat down.

....still writing it in my spare time so excuse any errors....but, feedback on the emotional aspect is welcome....the massage does not lead to sex....
 
Okay. Lets get done with the prelims. I would throw away the first three paragraphs. They are nothing but boring, expostulatory discription. The reader doesn't need that, especially at the very beginning.

The fourth paragraph I absolutly LOVE. That should be your first paragraph. It's tight, well phrased and is the actual beginning of the story. What comes before really doesn't do anything to move the story along.

Paragraphs five and seven are confused. You switch pronouns from "He" to "She" and back again. Give Her a paragraph. Then give Him a paragraph. The way it's written detracts from what your are trying to show here. Also, rather than the pronouns, use their names, Cathrine and Matthew. They are your main characters after all.

At this point, even with the first three paragraphs, there is no tension between the characters. The characters are "faceless" and translucent. You need to allow them to define themselves with a lot more dialogue.

I assume, Matthew will give Cathrine a back rub next. Ok. But they have to discuss it first. Obviously, Cathrine is horny and feels the taboo of incest. You can't just have her jump up on the table and let Matther rub her.

At the end of what you have written I can see a bare outline of a plot on the horizon. But that's not really enough to get this going. If you want incest between the two characters, but not at this point, you should let both characters think in print so the reader can follow the psychological action. Don't tell the reader what they are thinking. Let the characters do it. It's lots more effective.

If you want a longer discussion, PM me. I'm around most of the time during the day.

The story has possibilities. You can make it work.

JJ :kiss:
 
Thanks

Jenny_Jackson said:
If you want a longer discussion, PM me. I'm around most of the time during the day.

The story has possibilities. You can make it work.

JJ :kiss:

No, the massage doesn't lead to sex. The first two paragraphs need to be one.

See the revision below
 
revised

Matt woke up on a sunny Saturday morning at about six o’clock. Shafts of light came through the blinds illuminating his room. He had got in late. Not late enough to keep his schedule. His mom was already asleep so he just went to bed. The sun was nice on his skin as he stretched before the window. He slipped on some boxers and walked groggily into the bathroom. They were cotton. Not bad. Mom must have bought some clothes for him for college. She must’ve been busy he thought as he brushed his teeth.

He loved Seattle during the summer and hated college in Southern California. Not as much rain, too hot, and his lawyer mother, Catherine, would have more time to spend with him. Where he liked to argue, she didn’t so he was becoming a defense attorney opposed to her cozy corporate world of writs and departmental meetings. He was good looking and knew a jury would fall in love with his wavy blonde hair, blue eyes, and a bronze tan on his athletic figure. It was all about sex and an attitude of obfuscation as his mom taught him early in life. Not sure if he thought that was the law or life

His mother was sexually liberated and didn’t mind near nakedness around the house since the divorce when he was just a kid. She walked around the house in lacy camisoles or silky gowns in the morning. He just sat around the house in boxer shorts. He always noticed her. Her hourglass figure left little to the imagination. Sumptuous breasts, long legs, and shapely rearend. He loved how her shoulder-length reddish hair framed her heart-shaped face. Luscious lips, green eyes, and her expertly applied makeup. For only thirty-eight, she was quite noticeable by everyone including his friends. He hated the jibes about his mom. After his father died a year ago, he was glad she moved where nobody knew them.

He walked into the kitchen softly. His mom was already there waiting on coffee. She was just standing there in satin red gown with a black lacy bodice. He studied her for a moment from the shadow of the doorway then walked in. She had her hands on the counter looking down so she didn’t notice he had come in. He snuggled up behind her with his arms around her waist, kissed her on the cheek, and said, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” she said, touching his arms. “Sorry I wasn’t up last night. We had some corporate function for new clients.”

“Cate, no problem.” he said, with his baroque voice shattering the shimmering silence of her luscious figure standing there. She didn’t jostle easily. “I hit the sheets as soon as I got in.”

His body molded into hers. She smelled nice. Probably her strawberry shampoo. She had to feel his hardness against her. He let go not wanted her to think anything. Maybe not wanting him to think anything. She was liberated but not that liberated. She did feel it hoping he would move away. Last night didn’t give her any opportunity to play with herself. He was her son. Yet, he felt good against her aching body. The workout was tough yesterday. Her body was just a little tired. Too much yesterday. Keep up her shapely figure it did so she took hot baths to soothe out the pain.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, I slept fine,” he said, massaging her shoulders with his soft yet strong hands. “You seem pretty tense. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get this.”

“I’d rather have the massage.”

“I bet you would.”

His kissed her shoulder and she sat down. He handed her a cup of coffee perfectly adorned with just a touch of sugar and crème. His was black. Despised sugar and wanted it hot. Two cups and he was done. His mom had four or five. Rev her up. He worked out more than she did and woke up quickly. Her little bourbon cocktail before bed was more the reason than anything else. A beer or two at night for him. She even had some waiting for him.

“Oh, thanks for the roses. I haven’t gotten those in awhile.”

more later....
 
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Jenny was quite right and putting the fourth para first makes a much more interesting start.

Then you go spoiling things by bringing the dull explanations in. Whether or not the mother/son liaison is going to be consummated (and that is the tension) you need to tease facts out - dialog is a superb way.

Let the son and the mother talk. He can hint/suggest/be explicit about his earnings at UCLA. She can hint at frustrations and fantasies - always stretching the erotic cord tight.

The first para is dynamite - you need to keep the tension at that level.

Like JJ said, feel free to PM. I can usually get back within 24 hours but do go out of town for a few days now and then.

Regards

Elle
 
edit

Matt woke up on a sunny Saturday morning at about six o’clock. Shafts of light came through the blinds illuminating his room. He had got in late. Not late enough to keep his schedule. His mom was already asleep so he just went to bed. The sun was nice on his skin as he stretched before the window. He slipped on some boxers. They were cotton. Not bad. Mom must have bought some clothes for him for college. She must’ve been busy he thought as he brushed his teeth.

His mother was sexually liberated and didn’t mind near nakedness around the house since the divorce when he was just a kid. She walked around the house in lacy camisoles or silky gowns in the morning. He just sat around the house in boxer shorts. He always noticed her. Her hourglass figure left little to the imagination. Sumptuous breasts, long legs, and shapely rearend. He loved how her shoulder-length reddish hair framed her heart-shaped face. Luscious lips, green eyes, and her expertly applied makeup. For only thirty-eight, she was quite noticeable by everyone including his friends. He hated the jibes about his mom. After his father died a year ago, he was glad she moved where nobody knew them.

He walked groggily into the kitchen. His mom was already there waiting on coffee. She was just standing there in satin red gown with a black lacy bodice. He studied her for a moment from the shadow of the doorway then walked in. She had her hands on the counter looking down so she didn’t notice he had come in. He snuggled up behind her with his arms around her waist, kissed her on the cheek, and said, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” she said, touching his arms. “Sorry I wasn’t up last night. We had some corporate function for new clients.”

“Cate, no problem.” he said, with his baroque voice shattering the shimmering silence of her luscious figure standing there. She didn’t jostle easily. “I hit the sheets as soon as I got in.”

His body molded into hers. She smelled nice. Probably her strawberry shampoo. She had to feel his hardness against her. He let go not wanted her to think anything. Maybe not wanting him to think anything. She was liberated but not that liberated. She did feel it hoping he would move away. Last night didn’t give her any opportunity to play with herself. He was her son. Yet, he felt good against her aching body. The workout was tough yesterday. Her body was just a little tired. Too much yesterday. Keep up her shapely figure it did so she took hot baths to soothe out the pain.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, I slept fine,” he said, massaging her shoulders with his soft yet strong hands. “You seem pretty tense. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get this.”

“I’d rather have the massage.”

“Didn’t sleep well?” he asked. “You work too much. Gotta have fun.”
“Yeah, I guess it is time I dated. It’s been a long time. Think I’ll have luck?”

“With your looks, absolutely. You’re a beautiful woman. Stop drinking Cognac every night alone and go shopping.”

“So it is that easy?”

“A few new outfits and you’ll be a sex object,” he said with a devilish grin.

His kissed her shoulder and she sat down. He handed her a cup of coffee perfectly adorned with just a touch of sugar and crème. His was black. Despised sugar and wanted it hot. Two cups and he was done. His mom had four or five. Rev her up. He worked out more than she did and woke up quickly.

“Oh, thanks for the roses. I haven’t gotten those in awhile.”

“Least I can do for a mom putting me through law school.”

“What kind of outfits?” she asked, sipping coffee and her skin getting warm. “I have to be professional you know.”

“Just something sexy to get you in the mood and easily disposed of without thinking. We should go shopping. I know quite a few women your age that stand out and are still classy. You wear some of it around the house so why not to work?”

She sipped coffee and knew it was true. She had been holding back. Looks came and she didn’t acknowledge them. It was time to move on from the death of her husband. Why not let her gorgeous son show her how to be sexy outside of home.

“Okay, let’s go shopping this afternoon.”

“You serious?”

“You’re serious about all those women my age,” she asked. Both hands on her cup favoring her authority. “Unless you’re lying.”

“Not at all.”

“Tell me about them.”

“Okay,” he agreed. “Over breakfast. I left an outfit on your bed.”

“You’re so sure of yourself.”

“I learned it from you.”

She nodded.

"The clothes are on your bed," he said with a smile.

...more to come....
 
There you go again. Paragraph two is still gross discription. You have to make up your mind - Are you writing a short story or a novel?

For a novel, I guess this is fine since half the novels on the shelf are nothing but boring discription for 100,000 + words. But if this is a short story, you need to give you reader some credit. Bring out the discriptions only as they are needed. And you can entertwine the discriptions in with the action. Example -

Which would you rather read?

"She wore a short, pink nightie that barely covered her ass and allowed her 42DD's to nearl spill out over the top, exposing her rosy, pink nipples.

or

"His hand moved slowly down over her ass which was barely covered by her short, pink nightie. He felt her moan as his hand moved, her chest heaved and nearly spilled her ample breasts out over the top.

Which one is more interesting? Which one moves the story?

In a short story you don't have room for discription and the reader has to be able to get through the entire story in a single sitting of 20 minutes or so. With that limitation, everything in the story has to move the plot along. Lots of thing can be combined to compress what you want to say. And a lot of things you can leave to the imagination of the reader.

Still, using paragraph 4 as the opening paragraph is a 100% improvement. This story will get to the "H" level yet.

:kiss: JJ
 
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Jenny_Jackson said:
There you go again. Paragraph two is still gross discription.

I agree with Jenny. The second para. reads like a wanted poster or police blotter description:

  • sexually liberated
  • doesn't mind near nakedness
  • walks around the house in lacy camisoles or silky gowns
  • hourglass figure
  • Sumptuous breasts
  • long legs
  • shapely rear end
  • shoulder-length reddish hair
  • heart-shaped face
  • Luscious lips
  • green eyes
  • expertly applied makeup.

Also, I don't want to be harsh but know no other way to say this: this character has all the appeal of a Barbie Doll. She's perfect, and I've never known anyone that was human that was perfect.
 
a novella actually

It is a novella actually now. I found a strange twist during a rewrite. I don't want to introduce sex yet.

I'll change p2 and p3 some more.


:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:

Matt woke up on a sunny Saturday morning at about six o’clock. Shafts of light came through the blinds illuminating his room. He had got in late. Not late enough to keep his schedule. His mom was already asleep so he just went to bed. The sun was nice on his skin as he stretched before the window. He slipped on some boxers. They were cotton. Not bad. Mom must have bought some clothes for him for college. She must’ve been busy he thought as he brushed his teeth. His mother was sexually liberated and didn’t mind near nakedness around the house so the boxers were enough. She walked around the house in lacy camisoles or silky gowns in the morning. He just sat around the house in boxer shorts.

He walked groggily into the kitchen. His mom was already there waiting on coffee with her long reddish hair hiding her face. Curly and past her shoulders. She was just standing there in satin red gown with a black lacy bodice showing off the long legs he loved so much. He studied her for a moment from the shadow of the doorway. She had her hands on the counter looking down so she didn’t notice he had come in. It was easy to view her pear-shaped breasts through the lace. The gown clung to her taught body.

For only thirty-eight, she was quite noticeable by everyone including his friends. He hated the jibes about his mom. After his father died a year ago, he was glad she moved where nobody knew them. He snuggled up behind her with his arms around her firm waist, kissed her on the cheek, and said, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” she said, touching his strong arms. “Sorry I wasn’t up last night. We had some corporate function for new clients.”

“Cate, no problem.” he said, with his baroque voice shattering the shimmering silence of her luscious figure standing there. She didn’t jostle easily. “I hit the sheets as soon as I got in.”

His body molded into hers. She smelled nice. Probably her strawberry shampoo. She had to feel his hardness against her. He let go not wanted her to think anything. Maybe not wanting him to think anything. She was liberated but not that liberated. She did feel it hoping he would move away. Last night didn’t give her any opportunity to play with herself. He was her son. Yet, he felt good against her aching body. The workout was tough yesterday. Her body was just a little tired. Too much yesterday. Keep up her shapely figure it did so she took hot baths to soothe out the pain.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, I slept fine,” he said, massaging her shoulders with his soft yet strong hands. “You seem pretty tense. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get this.”

“I’d rather have the massage.”

“Didn’t sleep well?” he asked. “You work too much. Gotta have fun.”
“Yeah, I guess it is time I dated. It’s been a long time. Think I’ll have luck?”

“With your looks, absolutely. You’re a beautiful woman. Stop drinking Cognac every night alone and go shopping.”

“So it is that easy?”

“A few new outfits and you’ll be a sex object,” he said with a devilish grin.

His kissed her shoulder and she sat down. He handed her a cup of coffee perfectly adorned with just a touch of sugar and crème. His was black. Despised sugar and wanted it hot. Two cups and he was done. His mom had four or five. Rev her up. He worked out more than she did and woke up quickly.

“Oh, thanks for the roses. I haven’t gotten those in awhile.”

“Least I can do for a mom putting me through law school,” he said. Her green eyes were a little fatigued from last night’s Cognac. She always had several before going to bed. Yet her milky skin touched with a little rouge highlighted her heart-shaped face framed by her long, curly locks. Her pink lipstick stained the edge of the white coffee cup. As soon as she woke-up, she did her hair and expertly applied her makeup so she could enjoy the morning. “And, they always make you happy.”

“It was sweet to find them on the pillow next to me.”

“I figured a rose for a rose.”

She finally blushed. He loved that more than anything. She tried to hide it behind the coffee cup. It didn’t work. He just smiled.

“What kind of outfits?” she asked, sipping coffee and her skin getting warm. “I have to be professional you know.”

“Just something sexy to get you in the mood and easily disposed of without thinking. We should go shopping. I know quite a few women your age that stand out and are still classy. You wear some of it around the house so why not to work?”

She sipped coffee and knew it was true. She had been holding back. Looks came and she didn’t acknowledge them. It was time to move on from the death of her husband. Why not let her gorgeous son show her how to be sexy outside of home.

“Okay, let’s go shopping this afternoon.”

“You serious?”

“You’re serious about all those women my age,” she asked. Both hands on her cup favoring her authority. “Unless you’re lying.”

“Not at all.”

“Tell me about them.”

“Okay,” he agreed. “Over breakfast. I left an outfit on your bed.”

“You’re so sure of yourself.”

“I learned it from you.”

She nodded.

"The clothes are on your bed," he said with a smile.
 
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Much Better, Raven. It's starting to look like a real story now. Your characters are starting to have personality and the readablity is improved about 1000%. Keep it up, girl.

JJ :kiss:
 
cloudy said:
I agree with Jenny. The second para. reads like a wanted poster or police blotter description:

  • sexually liberated
  • doesn't mind near nakedness
  • walks around the house in lacy camisoles or silky gowns
  • hourglass figure
  • Sumptuous breasts
  • long legs
  • shapely rear end
  • shoulder-length reddish hair
  • heart-shaped face
  • Luscious lips
  • green eyes
  • expertly applied makeup.



Also, I don't want to be harsh but know no other way to say this: this character has all the appeal of a Barbie Doll. She's perfect, and I've never known anyone that was human that was perfect.

What? I thought that was a description of you, Cloudy.... :D

I agree with you, the writer is trying too hard to make both characters phyically perfect, and not enough making them attractive to the readers, someone that they can relate to.

So far there is nothing in the plot that makes me want to continue reading.
 
drksideofthemoon said:
What? I thought that was a description of you, Cloudy.... :D

redhead?

:eek:

I would look really silly as a redhead, trust me on this.
 
Hello

drksideofthemoon said:
What? I thought that was a description of you, Cloudy.... :D

I agree with you, the writer is trying too hard to make both characters phyically perfect, and not enough making them attractive to the readers, someone that they can relate to.

So far there is nothing in the plot that makes me want to continue reading.

You might want to read the revisions.
 
ravensfx said:
You might want to read the revisions.

In the revisions you made this is still unnecessary...it doesn't move the story along in any way whatsoever:
They were cotton. Not bad. Mom must have bought some clothes for him for college. She must’ve been busy he thought as he brushed his teeth. His mother was sexually liberated and didn’t mind near nakedness around the house so the boxers were enough. She walked around the house in lacy camisoles or silky gowns in the morning. He just sat around the house in boxer shorts.
"Curly and past her shoulders." isn't a complete sentence.

This is unnecessary exposition:
For only thirty-eight, she was quite noticeable by everyone including his friends. He hated the jibes about his mom. After his father died a year ago, he was glad she moved where nobody knew them.

I just can't suspend my disbelief for this story, I'm sorry. I know of absolutely no mother (and I am one) who would act this way around her grown son. It's implausible. One of the main skills an author must have is the ability to carry a reader along with them, to get the reader to suspend their disbeliefs. The minute I read about her standing in the kitchen in some uber-sexy gown, and her grown son walks up behind her and embraces her around the waist, my disbelief goes *poof* and flies out the nearest window.
 
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okay

Sherry Hawk said:
"Curly and past her shoulders." isn't a complete sentence.


Hate to tell you but they usually hide that in books.

Read the novel Ordinary People and get back to me.
 
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Sherry Hawk said:
I just can't suspend my disbelief for this story, I'm sorry. I know of absolutely no mother (and I am one) who would act this way around her grown son. It's implausible. One of the main skills an author must have is the ability to carry a reader along with them, to get the reader to suspend their disbeliefs. The minute I read about her standing in the kitchen in some uber-sexy gown, and her grown son walks up behind her and embraces her around the waist, my disbelief goes *poof* and flies out the nearest window.
Sherry,
The "implausible" remark can be said for 90% of the stories on Lit. I will withhold judgement until I find out where Ravenfx goes with this.

In the book world there are two levels of editing. The first is what we are doing here now - getting the story readable and off the ground. The second is for content. That can't be done until the story is substantially complete. Incest stories tend to have an element of implausibility anyway.
 
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ravensfx said:
Hate to tell you but they usually hide that in books.

Read the novel Ordinary People and get back to me.

Hate to tell you, but it's still an incomplete sentence, and it makes you look ignorant as to the rules of grammar.

:rolleyes:

Get your stories published, really published, then get back to me.
 
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Jenny_Jackson said:
Sherry,
The "implausible" remark can be said for 90% of the stories on Lit. I will withhold judgement until I find out where Ravenfx goes with this.

In the book world there are two levels of editing. The first is what we are doing here now - getting the story readable and off the ground. The second is for content. That can't be done until the story is substantially complete. Incest stories tend to have an element of implausibility anyway.

It doesn't work for me, and that's exactly what I said.

She can take the advice or leave it. No skin off my nose, I just won't offer any to her anymore, since she can't seem to take anything other than "OMG ur so hawt!"

:rolleyes:
 
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lol

Sherry Hawk said:
Hate to tell you, but it's still an incomplete sentence, and it makes you look ignorant as to the rules of grammar.

:rolleyes:

Get your stories published, really published, then get back to me.

I'm already a published author and teleplay writer. If you know the rules of grammar, you should violate them freely.

Ordinary People - Page 1 - 2nd Paragraph

Gone now.

Pale Blue.

An anxious color.

---
Grammar is the antithesis to great writing. Once you master it violate it.

Bad things writers do: use the "I" word too much.

Show me one of your stories.

Jenny is correct. Write the story first then go back and make it better.
 
ravensfx said:
I'm already a published author and teleplay writer. If you know the rules of grammar, you should violate them freely.

Ordinary People - Page 1 - 2nd Paragraph

Gone now.

Pale Blue.

An anxious color.

---
Grammar is the antithesis to great writing. Once you master it violate it.

Bad things writers do: use the "I" word too much.

Show me one of your stories.

Jenny is correct. Write the story first then go back and make it better.

That's okay, hun, I'll leave you with your "masterpiece" you've written above, but don't quit your day job.

:rolleyes:

I'm published too, btw, but for some reason you've overestimated your importance to me. I'm sorry.
 
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lol

Sherry Hawk said:
That's okay, hun, I'll leave you with your "masterpiece" you've written above, but don't quit your day job.

:rolleyes:

I'm published too, btw, but for some reason you've overestimated your importance to me. I'm sorry.

Jealousy gets you no where.
 
ravensfx said:
Jealousy gets you no where.
I think what Sherry meant was that you shouldn't put "curly and past her shoulders" as a complete sentence because it wasn't necessary. I took creative writing as an elective a while ago so I understand the need of "grammatical violation" sometimes. Yes, you can leave a sentence unfinished, but only when it serves a purpose of emphasizing. You have created two physically perfect characters, so perfect that you don't need to emphasize anything else. Her hair can be sexy for sure, but in a paragraph with "long legs", "pear-shaped breasts", "taught body" (which I think was supposed to be "taut body") her hair just doesn't make much of an impression. Instead of her hair, why not the things that immediately draw attention? Her breasts, her face, her body?

ravenfx said:
If you know the rules of grammar, you should violate them freely.
Sorry, but this I disagree with. You just can't violate them freely. Occasional rule breakings would be refreshing, but doing it too frequently would have the opposite effect.
 
ravensfx said:
Jealousy gets you no where.

Nice try, but that would only work if your writing were actually something for me to be jealous of.

Try again. Maybe your next insult will have some actual teeth in it. :)
 
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