Mochachocolatekiss Story....
- Thread starter ebfan01
- Start date
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
ebfan01 said:
Gee if its that good, do you have the link to it?
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
Thank you very much, will try to read it soon.
G
Guest
Guest
I tried to read this story but found it very difficult to do so. I only read a few paragraphs. The punctuation was atrocious, I'm sorry to say. There were about ten sentences linked together with commas. It was so confusing and distracting that I couldn't concentrate on the story.
I'm afraid I'll have to agree with our unregistered commentator. Mocha has the beginnings of an exciting story. It is difficult to read. Take this sentence for example:
Perfect grammar and beautiful sentence structure won't save a bad story. If no one will fight their way past sentences gone feral, then it doesn't much matter how good the story is.
Mocha, rework your sentences. Make them sing rather than drone on and on.
There are actually about ten complete sentences in there. Should Mocha rewrite this, she could create a mixture of, say, six compound and complex sentences. It would read so much smoother then.
Perfect grammar and beautiful sentence structure won't save a bad story. If no one will fight their way past sentences gone feral, then it doesn't much matter how good the story is.
Mocha, rework your sentences. Make them sing rather than drone on and on.
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
I really tried to read this story. I couldnt. That sounds harsh but it is true.
G, I am ever so sorry for complaining when you told me about the too long sentences. I get it now.
G, I am ever so sorry for complaining when you told me about the too long sentences. I get it now.
Good Morning,
I'm not going to argue what the critics have posted however I didn't realize that this Site was a version of Creative Writing 101. Understand that we are all not "pros" at this and in some cases are putting "pen to paper" so to speak of our real life "sexperiences".
Mocha, hun, good job. I didn't find it "feral", I found it a nice story from a beautiful person who is very erotic and open.
I'm not going to argue what the critics have posted however I didn't realize that this Site was a version of Creative Writing 101. Understand that we are all not "pros" at this and in some cases are putting "pen to paper" so to speak of our real life "sexperiences".
Mocha, hun, good job. I didn't find it "feral", I found it a nice story from a beautiful person who is very erotic and open.
ebfan01,
I'm sorry you misunderstood my 'feral' reference. I was talking about the sentences, not the story. The sentences are untamed, wild, uncivilized. You are not the only reader to praise the story. I wonder, though, how many like myself bailed out rather than fight the sentence structure.
g
I'm sorry you misunderstood my 'feral' reference. I was talking about the sentences, not the story. The sentences are untamed, wild, uncivilized. You are not the only reader to praise the story. I wonder, though, how many like myself bailed out rather than fight the sentence structure.
g
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
Why are you taking this so seriously? Why even put this on the board if you wanted only good things said about it? This is the real world,and nobody is going to sugarcoat it for you. A badly written story is still badly written.
I'd take garyblue's advice anyday. Being a great editor and all. Wait...you are aware of what an editor is,right?
I'd take garyblue's advice anyday. Being a great editor and all. Wait...you are aware of what an editor is,right?
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2001
- Posts
- 11,470
ebfan01, I'm sure that mochachocolatekiss is a lovely and sensual woman. But I'm sure that most readers would agree that her story is difficult to read. I really tried to read it. But that first sentence (long, long sentence) threw me for a loop! I kept reading and waiting for a period. It never came. I read faster, trying to get to the end of the never-ending sentence. By the time I finally arrived at the end, my brain hyperventilated. That's just how her first paragraph makes you read. I don't know about the rest of the story. I never made it any further.
All mocha needs to do is send it to an editor, then submit the new version. If her story is so good, don't you want more readers to read it and enjoy it?
Wicked Eve
All mocha needs to do is send it to an editor, then submit the new version. If her story is so good, don't you want more readers to read it and enjoy it?
Wicked Eve
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
Re: Yes
Why am I taking it so seriously? Because I am tired of people who put things up to read,then get upset because no one agrees with that opinion.
I always have an opinion about what I read,if I like it I not only say so,but I say it loudly.
If I dont, its the same way.
If you were an editor why didnt the grammer jump out at you?
Everyone has a RIGHT to any opinion they feel. Goodness it gets old being attacked because of it.
ebfan01 said:
Why am I taking it so seriously? Because I am tired of people who put things up to read,then get upset because no one agrees with that opinion.
I always have an opinion about what I read,if I like it I not only say so,but I say it loudly.
If I dont, its the same way.
If you were an editor why didnt the grammer jump out at you?
Everyone has a RIGHT to any opinion they feel. Goodness it gets old being attacked because of it.
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
Fine I'll quit if you will,deal?
Agreed
OK. I agree. No harm done. However, I do have one last story I read that maybe garyblue can "edit" :http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=21992
I read the story just fine even with all the "issues". I understood the story for what it was intended for. Just an ametuer writer writing about a fantasy or real encounter. As I stated, no harm done.
OK. I agree. No harm done. However, I do have one last story I read that maybe garyblue can "edit" :http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=21992
I read the story just fine even with all the "issues". I understood the story for what it was intended for. Just an ametuer writer writing about a fantasy or real encounter. As I stated, no harm done.
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
Now this story was okay. I am always partial to quickies...
clean underwear
Glad I put some on this morning. I feel as if I walked into a train wreck.
Ebfan01, as I'm fond of saying, it's easier to criticize yours than to excize the warts from mine. There may come a time that I publish. I will probably be deeply hurt if my opus is not loved by one and all.
lovetoread, thank you for the kind words.
Now. Consider this paragraph from GQ1NYC's story. Then compare to Mocha's previously quoted sentence.
I won't comment on the "quality" of the stories. The only point I have been making is that if a story is difficult to read it will drive off readers.
Glad I put some on this morning. I feel as if I walked into a train wreck.
Ebfan01, as I'm fond of saying, it's easier to criticize yours than to excize the warts from mine. There may come a time that I publish. I will probably be deeply hurt if my opus is not loved by one and all.
lovetoread, thank you for the kind words.
Now. Consider this paragraph from GQ1NYC's story. Then compare to Mocha's previously quoted sentence.
This one is very readable. Note the power of the simple declarative sentence.
I won't comment on the "quality" of the stories. The only point I have been making is that if a story is difficult to read it will drive off readers.
Last edited:
Similar threads
