Mistress chantz Fortune stories
- Thread starter lilguy
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Chicklet
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Hey Lilguy
I chose chapter one.
Your story is totally littered with mistakes. They're everywhere! What could possibly be a decent story is not very good at all, if for no other reason than because each sentence baffles me. Hell, that's a great reason. What I mean is you need to write with somewhat correct grammar, add some "d's" to the end of words, and most of all stay consistant throughout the whole story.
Okay, let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...
Okay the first paragraph needs to grab the reader, to drag them into the story. Whether they're dragged in kicking and screaming is your choice, but it needs to really set the scene for your story. Unfortunatly, while your first paragraph probably appeals to people, it is set up in a strange way and made it hard for me to want to read on. Here is why:
So here you're trying to grab the reader, but also to set the scene. Instead of just blurting out the facts, why don't you open up with a little dialogue? I don't really like the matter-of-fact blunt here's-how-it-happened opening. Also, I have so many questions that aren't answered - what contest? how did you win?
Word choice here could be pretty important...instead of saying "she" so often, I would have chosen to use her name. "Chantz was the star of the movie Boss Bitches 2. She was known as the Strap-On Mistress." Which brings me to my other gripe. When you start a title, such as "Strap On Mistress" you'll want to capitalize all of the title, not just the "S" in "Strap"
For some suspense, I think it would be okay just to cut off "she said" - there are a lot of unnecessary words there, actually, and it made what could be a heart-pounding sentence a drawn out, boring one. Choose one action for her to demand of him, put it in one sentence, and move on. "Go into the bathroom and take off your clothes."
Okay that was just personal stuff before. Let's go into some serious problems:
It was no foreplay? That doesn't make any sense, really...the "it" you're referring to is what she's asking the character to do, right? Or is it? I'm not sure. The fact that I, the reader, am unsure is a very, very bad thing. What you've gotta do is keep it simple...you don't need to refer to past things if you don't have to. The "it" should be "there" - "There was no foreplay."
Okay, again with the "it" - here, "it" refers to the clothes, right? I mostly consider clothes to be plural...unless maybe he was already only wearing his undies or something? Of course even then I'd say they're plural. So, instead of "it" you needed "them."
This sentence needs to be more exciting. It needs to grab me, to make me want to see what he's seeing through his eyes. But instead of being exciting, it's dull and colorless. I need to feel some of his emotions: "I opened the door and gasped; she stood before me like a dream, the most beautiful sight I'd ever laid my eyes on."
A lot of authors contradict themselves, but not a lot do it within three words. What's she doing? Choose one thing - she can either stand or lay down. Only one. You try doing both some time, let me know how it turns out.
Wrong word. "Do you, lilguy, accept this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "Yes, except when she wears a strap-on..." Accept is like Accepting a gift. Except is like Excepting when she's high on heroine and fucking the shit out of someone's ass.
You'd ever seen, and Barbed wire tattoo. On a related note, did you see that you started five sentences in a row in the same paragraph with "She"?
Are you a turn on, or are you TURNED on?
How did you get my underwear? PLUS I thought your character was naked, since he went into the bathroom and took it off.
Before now you've hyphenated "strap-on" - don't stop. Most numbers under 100, save addresses, dates, and percentages, should be written out...ie 13 = thirteen.
Okay, I would choose one - also, or too. You don't need both. "It was fat, too." "It was also very fat."
Stroked, not stroke. Gotta add those "d's" babe.
Seemed.
TurnED on, and again, where did you get MY life?
The whole paragraph reads boring. It reads like an outline, not like a story. Go back, rewrite your story. I'm not going to read the rest of the way through...and I'm sorry.
Suggestions for you: It doesn't look to me like you even did a once-over before posting your story...it also looks like you wrote one handed, but I actually can't tell. Go back, read your story to yourself. Obviously you have spell check, turn on grammar check as well and see what it has to say to you. Make sure you're consistant, make sure the story makes sense to you. Try to read it without whacking off.
Chicklet
I chose chapter one.
Your story is totally littered with mistakes. They're everywhere! What could possibly be a decent story is not very good at all, if for no other reason than because each sentence baffles me. Hell, that's a great reason. What I mean is you need to write with somewhat correct grammar, add some "d's" to the end of words, and most of all stay consistant throughout the whole story.
Okay, let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...
Okay the first paragraph needs to grab the reader, to drag them into the story. Whether they're dragged in kicking and screaming is your choice, but it needs to really set the scene for your story. Unfortunatly, while your first paragraph probably appeals to people, it is set up in a strange way and made it hard for me to want to read on. Here is why:
So here you're trying to grab the reader, but also to set the scene. Instead of just blurting out the facts, why don't you open up with a little dialogue? I don't really like the matter-of-fact blunt here's-how-it-happened opening. Also, I have so many questions that aren't answered - what contest? how did you win?
Word choice here could be pretty important...instead of saying "she" so often, I would have chosen to use her name. "Chantz was the star of the movie Boss Bitches 2. She was known as the Strap-On Mistress." Which brings me to my other gripe. When you start a title, such as "Strap On Mistress" you'll want to capitalize all of the title, not just the "S" in "Strap"
For some suspense, I think it would be okay just to cut off "she said" - there are a lot of unnecessary words there, actually, and it made what could be a heart-pounding sentence a drawn out, boring one. Choose one action for her to demand of him, put it in one sentence, and move on. "Go into the bathroom and take off your clothes."
Okay that was just personal stuff before. Let's go into some serious problems:
It was no foreplay? That doesn't make any sense, really...the "it" you're referring to is what she's asking the character to do, right? Or is it? I'm not sure. The fact that I, the reader, am unsure is a very, very bad thing. What you've gotta do is keep it simple...you don't need to refer to past things if you don't have to. The "it" should be "there" - "There was no foreplay."
Okay, again with the "it" - here, "it" refers to the clothes, right? I mostly consider clothes to be plural...unless maybe he was already only wearing his undies or something? Of course even then I'd say they're plural. So, instead of "it" you needed "them."
This sentence needs to be more exciting. It needs to grab me, to make me want to see what he's seeing through his eyes. But instead of being exciting, it's dull and colorless. I need to feel some of his emotions: "I opened the door and gasped; she stood before me like a dream, the most beautiful sight I'd ever laid my eyes on."
A lot of authors contradict themselves, but not a lot do it within three words. What's she doing? Choose one thing - she can either stand or lay down. Only one. You try doing both some time, let me know how it turns out.
Wrong word. "Do you, lilguy, accept this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "Yes, except when she wears a strap-on..." Accept is like Accepting a gift. Except is like Excepting when she's high on heroine and fucking the shit out of someone's ass.
You'd ever seen, and Barbed wire tattoo. On a related note, did you see that you started five sentences in a row in the same paragraph with "She"?
Are you a turn on, or are you TURNED on?
How did you get my underwear? PLUS I thought your character was naked, since he went into the bathroom and took it off.
Before now you've hyphenated "strap-on" - don't stop. Most numbers under 100, save addresses, dates, and percentages, should be written out...ie 13 = thirteen.
Okay, I would choose one - also, or too. You don't need both. "It was fat, too." "It was also very fat."
Stroked, not stroke. Gotta add those "d's" babe.
Seemed.
TurnED on, and again, where did you get MY life?
The whole paragraph reads boring. It reads like an outline, not like a story. Go back, rewrite your story. I'm not going to read the rest of the way through...and I'm sorry.
Suggestions for you: It doesn't look to me like you even did a once-over before posting your story...it also looks like you wrote one handed, but I actually can't tell. Go back, read your story to yourself. Obviously you have spell check, turn on grammar check as well and see what it has to say to you. Make sure you're consistant, make sure the story makes sense to you. Try to read it without whacking off.
Chicklet
lilguy
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the other ones a little better
I SWEAR
I didnt see those mistakes. My mind much be fuzzy. I read it over twice. In fact the fact I tried and it turn out like that kind of sad really. I kind of WISH I didn't spell check it. It might of came out better
I SWEAR
I didnt see those mistakes. My mind much be fuzzy. I read it over twice. In fact the fact I tried and it turn out like that kind of sad really. I kind of WISH I didn't spell check it. It might of came out better
Hotcappucino
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lilguy said:
No. When you resubmit the story, just put - EDITED after the title.
For example, if the title of your story is Donnie Does Dallas then resubmit using the title Donnie Does Dallas - EDITED and the editors will replace the original story with your corrected one.
You may want to get somone else, maybe an editor, to help you with your story. A spell checker and a grammar checker can only do so much.
MissFortune
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lilguy,
I see that you're taking a beating here (yummy)...but I will say that although your stories aren't grammarically perfect and that maybe in relying on spell check(or not) you did yourself an injustice,that the gist can be gotten from your stories and the feeling is there without a doubt. I won't grade you on your spelling or in using the proper tenses etc. in your stories, but on the sincerity of which they were written. For sincerity you get great marks.....with the exception I DID NOT APPEAR IN BOSS BICTHES #2 -I did, however, appear in #8,#9,#10 . Another thing I'd like to clarify is that I do not have a tatoo of barbed wire on My arm-but I will allow for a bit of creative freedom.
Keep the stories coming....I think certain elements sound a bit familiar to Me (have W/we been exchanging e-mail lately?)
I'm looking for fantasies/sub-talent for My new series-Strap-On Sirenz..maybe you will be one of My muses...or just one who amuses Me...only time will tell!
I see that you're taking a beating here (yummy)...but I will say that although your stories aren't grammarically perfect and that maybe in relying on spell check(or not) you did yourself an injustice,that the gist can be gotten from your stories and the feeling is there without a doubt. I won't grade you on your spelling or in using the proper tenses etc. in your stories, but on the sincerity of which they were written. For sincerity you get great marks.....with the exception I DID NOT APPEAR IN BOSS BICTHES #2 -I did, however, appear in #8,#9,#10 . Another thing I'd like to clarify is that I do not have a tatoo of barbed wire on My arm-but I will allow for a bit of creative freedom.
Keep the stories coming....I think certain elements sound a bit familiar to Me (have W/we been exchanging e-mail lately?)
I'm looking for fantasies/sub-talent for My new series-Strap-On Sirenz..maybe you will be one of My muses...or just one who amuses Me...only time will tell!
MissFortune
Virgin
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2003
- Posts
- 2
lilguy,
I see that you're taking a beating here (yummy)...but I will say that although your stories aren't grammarically perfect and that maybe in relying on spell check(or not) you did yourself an injustice,that the gist can be gotten from your stories and the feeling is there without a doubt. I won't grade you on your spelling or in using the proper tenses etc. in your stories, but on the sincerity of which they were written. For sincerity you get great marks.....with the exception I DID NOT APPEAR IN BOSS BICTHES #2 -I did, however, appear in #8,#9,#10 . Another thing I'd like to clarify is that I do not have a tatoo of barbed wire on My arm-but I will allow for a bit of creative freedom.
Keep the stories coming....I think certain elements sound a bit familiar to Me (have W/we been exchanging e-mail lately?)
I'm looking for fantasies/sub-talent for My new series-Strap-On Sirenz..maybe you will be one of My muses...or just one who amuses Me...only time will tell!
I see that you're taking a beating here (yummy)...but I will say that although your stories aren't grammarically perfect and that maybe in relying on spell check(or not) you did yourself an injustice,that the gist can be gotten from your stories and the feeling is there without a doubt. I won't grade you on your spelling or in using the proper tenses etc. in your stories, but on the sincerity of which they were written. For sincerity you get great marks.....with the exception I DID NOT APPEAR IN BOSS BICTHES #2 -I did, however, appear in #8,#9,#10 . Another thing I'd like to clarify is that I do not have a tatoo of barbed wire on My arm-but I will allow for a bit of creative freedom.
Keep the stories coming....I think certain elements sound a bit familiar to Me (have W/we been exchanging e-mail lately?)
I'm looking for fantasies/sub-talent for My new series-Strap-On Sirenz..maybe you will be one of My muses...or just one who amuses Me...only time will tell!
lilguy
Literotica Guru
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naaa we don't send e-mail really
just replied to your feeback though
theexpert31@hotmail.com
which site were you talking about anyway. You have 4.
just replied to your feeback though
theexpert31@hotmail.com
which site were you talking about anyway. You have 4.
Colleen Thomas
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As usual I will avoid comments on grammar and punctuation, I think Chicklet did a pretty through deconstruction. This is just a bit from me on the subject matter.
Fanfics are problematic. You have a character, in this case Chantz Fortune with whom you are intimately familiar. I'm not. While your devotion to her is obvious you have to realize in writing a story that many reader's won't know her, her works etc. It's up to you as the author to bring her to life.
While not familiar with her as a star I am familiar with the D/S genre and with strapons. I dug through this as long as I could before I gave up, I will admit that. But when I gave up I still had no idea who she was, what she was like, what moves her, motivates her, makes her so worshipful. You, as the author, have the responsibility to bring her to life. In this case you never did, I am assuming you simply relied on everyone knowing who she was and what she was like. The trap in writing a fanfic is this, if you just assume the reader knows the character then you loose anyone who isn't a fan. When that happens you limit your audience to strictly those readers who are fans. The real shame there is that you are obviously a big fan and through your story you have the ability to allow ohers to become fans too, but that won't happen if you leave the character so one dimensional. With a little dialogue and a little work on her posture and descriptions of her you can do a lot to bring people who don't already know her into the story even if they began with no idea who she is, like I did.
A final note on strap-ons and Anal sex. Thirteen inches? Hold a yard stick up to your body and see where that ends up, unless you are even more long waisted than I am, I am guessing somewhere around your pancreas. It is true that there are yards upon yards of intestine in your abdominal cavity, but they bend and twist on one another. I think you would would be asking your readers to suspend their disbelief a lot less if you went with something more manageble, like say ten inches. From experience I can tell you thats more than enough to do the job without pushing the bounds of plausibility.
-Colly
Fanfics are problematic. You have a character, in this case Chantz Fortune with whom you are intimately familiar. I'm not. While your devotion to her is obvious you have to realize in writing a story that many reader's won't know her, her works etc. It's up to you as the author to bring her to life.
While not familiar with her as a star I am familiar with the D/S genre and with strapons. I dug through this as long as I could before I gave up, I will admit that. But when I gave up I still had no idea who she was, what she was like, what moves her, motivates her, makes her so worshipful. You, as the author, have the responsibility to bring her to life. In this case you never did, I am assuming you simply relied on everyone knowing who she was and what she was like. The trap in writing a fanfic is this, if you just assume the reader knows the character then you loose anyone who isn't a fan. When that happens you limit your audience to strictly those readers who are fans. The real shame there is that you are obviously a big fan and through your story you have the ability to allow ohers to become fans too, but that won't happen if you leave the character so one dimensional. With a little dialogue and a little work on her posture and descriptions of her you can do a lot to bring people who don't already know her into the story even if they began with no idea who she is, like I did.
A final note on strap-ons and Anal sex. Thirteen inches? Hold a yard stick up to your body and see where that ends up, unless you are even more long waisted than I am, I am guessing somewhere around your pancreas. It is true that there are yards upon yards of intestine in your abdominal cavity, but they bend and twist on one another. I think you would would be asking your readers to suspend their disbelief a lot less if you went with something more manageble, like say ten inches. From experience I can tell you thats more than enough to do the job without pushing the bounds of plausibility.
-Colly
lilguy
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well any story that has 6 foot guys getting rapped and overpowerd by 5.5 women you gots to understand that plausbility is not a big concern. I releaze it would be dangerous. And a relationship of this nature probally not the most healty. I also assume that she doesn't going around butt fucking guys in public streets. It a fantasy. Not meant to be taking as real ife. Not being sarcastic to your comment. You make a good point but my style is simply not realistic. There guys with 16 inch penises and women lifting cars. Most women in the stories have breast the size of beach balls. It out there. Its a cartoon in many ways.
Also I agree with you on the fanfic part
but note it was a strapon thing. So maybe some fans of that would be familar with her. Also note I didn't give much description to the guy or the woman. Wanted people to make thier own image
but I will takes your note and try to fix it up for future stories
Also I agree with you on the fanfic part
but note it was a strapon thing. So maybe some fans of that would be familar with her. Also note I didn't give much description to the guy or the woman. Wanted people to make thier own image
but I will takes your note and try to fix it up for future stories
Colleen Thomas
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Hey Lil guy 
No matter what your genre from the grittiest "true life" detective story to the silliest of "space opera" when you write you ask the reader to suspend his or her disbelief. For the amount of time it takes them to read your work you are asking them to immerse themslves in your world, a world that is totally created by your mind and your pen.
Tolkien peopled a world with elves, dwarves, wizards, hobbits and even dragons. Yet the reader comes to believe in these characters, to like them, worry about them and hope for their eventual triumph. Richard Adams wrote of rabbits, but you came to love those rabbits and wish for them to succeed against the odds. Tom Clancy peopled his world with a group of men on a deep penetration raid into a dangerous enemy state.
All three ask you to suspend your disbelief. To what degree is the only real difference and all three use charicterization to make you feel more comfortable in their world. While none of us claim to be in the rareified air these writers have achieved we all ask the same thing of our readers as they do. Step into my world and let me tell you a story.
To a greater or lesser degree your success in providing an entertaining diversion to the reader depends on how well you do in getting them to enter your world and feel comfortable there. One way to do this is to build a world that is so real to them they can accept what happens there, despite its lack of relation to this one. Another is to build characters that are so engageing that they become interested in the character's life and well being.
The flip side to this is that you have to present your vision of your world in a way that dosen't jar the reader out of the story. If, for example, you set your story on a scotish moore with two characters battleing with Calymore and gladius at the foot of Hadrian's wall and the looser suddenly pulls out his phaser and sets it to "fry to a crisp golden brown", you are going to loose the reader. If however, you described the fellow with the Gladius as James Tiberius Kirk, Captin of the Starship Enterprise, you probably don't loose them.
In your story world the women can all have breasts that shame Dolly Parton, the men can all be hung so well they could satisfy a moo cow, five foot five women could very well be a threat to six foot six men. It's your world and its only limit is your imagination. As the writer you can set every parameter or even set none at all, but whatver you do, you have to pull the reader into that world. The story must have an inner continuity that jibes with all you describe and the characters must resonate in some way with the reader or you loose them.
The further from "reality" you set the story, the more dependant the reader is on you to provide the details of that world. One method that works well is to build a character that people want to know more about. Another is to build a world they want to know more about. You can pick and choose your method and your spots, but the more vague you leave things in an alternate reality, the more likely you are to loose a reader.
Didn't mean to be so wordy, 4 in the morning is probably a bad time for me to wax philosophical about my craft
Take care,
Colly
No matter what your genre from the grittiest "true life" detective story to the silliest of "space opera" when you write you ask the reader to suspend his or her disbelief. For the amount of time it takes them to read your work you are asking them to immerse themslves in your world, a world that is totally created by your mind and your pen.
Tolkien peopled a world with elves, dwarves, wizards, hobbits and even dragons. Yet the reader comes to believe in these characters, to like them, worry about them and hope for their eventual triumph. Richard Adams wrote of rabbits, but you came to love those rabbits and wish for them to succeed against the odds. Tom Clancy peopled his world with a group of men on a deep penetration raid into a dangerous enemy state.
All three ask you to suspend your disbelief. To what degree is the only real difference and all three use charicterization to make you feel more comfortable in their world. While none of us claim to be in the rareified air these writers have achieved we all ask the same thing of our readers as they do. Step into my world and let me tell you a story.
To a greater or lesser degree your success in providing an entertaining diversion to the reader depends on how well you do in getting them to enter your world and feel comfortable there. One way to do this is to build a world that is so real to them they can accept what happens there, despite its lack of relation to this one. Another is to build characters that are so engageing that they become interested in the character's life and well being.
The flip side to this is that you have to present your vision of your world in a way that dosen't jar the reader out of the story. If, for example, you set your story on a scotish moore with two characters battleing with Calymore and gladius at the foot of Hadrian's wall and the looser suddenly pulls out his phaser and sets it to "fry to a crisp golden brown", you are going to loose the reader. If however, you described the fellow with the Gladius as James Tiberius Kirk, Captin of the Starship Enterprise, you probably don't loose them.
In your story world the women can all have breasts that shame Dolly Parton, the men can all be hung so well they could satisfy a moo cow, five foot five women could very well be a threat to six foot six men. It's your world and its only limit is your imagination. As the writer you can set every parameter or even set none at all, but whatver you do, you have to pull the reader into that world. The story must have an inner continuity that jibes with all you describe and the characters must resonate in some way with the reader or you loose them.
The further from "reality" you set the story, the more dependant the reader is on you to provide the details of that world. One method that works well is to build a character that people want to know more about. Another is to build a world they want to know more about. You can pick and choose your method and your spots, but the more vague you leave things in an alternate reality, the more likely you are to loose a reader.
Didn't mean to be so wordy, 4 in the morning is probably a bad time for me to wax philosophical about my craft
Take care,
Colly
Rainbow Skin
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Not to belabour what Chicklet has already said, but don't ever use a spelling-checker just to change words, as if it improved your writing. It doesn't. The only purpose of a spelling-checker is if you're unsure of a spelling: malicious, malitious, mallicious? It'll probably give you the right answer there. It can't tell whether you want barb or barbed, he or her, cup or cum.
She did this. She did that. She did another thing...
This sort of repetition is almost impossible to read. Very short sentences quickly become infuriating, especially if they all start the same. You have to have variety. That's variety of construction (She... I... It... There... instead of She... She... She...), and variety of length (She did... and then... after which... in some of the sentences, instead of just Clop. Clop. Clop.).
I suppose fanfic is only ever meaningful to people who are already fans, so I doubt that getting the rest of us in is a big consideration. We also have to assume your depiction of her is accurate: i.e. that's how she behaves in her films, so it's more or less believable to have it happen in this story too. And that the people who get turned on by her films might also be by this. I don't know: I can't answer for that.
She did this. She did that. She did another thing...
This sort of repetition is almost impossible to read. Very short sentences quickly become infuriating, especially if they all start the same. You have to have variety. That's variety of construction (She... I... It... There... instead of She... She... She...), and variety of length (She did... and then... after which... in some of the sentences, instead of just Clop. Clop. Clop.).
I suppose fanfic is only ever meaningful to people who are already fans, so I doubt that getting the rest of us in is a big consideration. We also have to assume your depiction of her is accurate: i.e. that's how she behaves in her films, so it's more or less believable to have it happen in this story too. And that the people who get turned on by her films might also be by this. I don't know: I can't answer for that.
lilguy
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Colleen Thomas
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Lilguy wrote:
wow you put a lot of thought it that.
Thanks.
You're very welcome. I try not to get too preachy, but I felt like you had good ideas and were just lacking in a lot of the technical aspects. You can learn the technical, from the basics down to the more advanced things people will mention from time to time. You can't learn the enthusiasm or the desire, you either have those or you do not.
You showed the courage to put your works up to scrutiny (something I haven't done) and that says a lot for your desire to get better. If you take all the advice you get, especially from accomplished writers like Chicklet and from acomplished Critique givers like hiddenself, you will find you get better with each story you write
Best of luck on your future works,
Colly
wow you put a lot of thought it that.
Thanks.
You're very welcome. I try not to get too preachy, but I felt like you had good ideas and were just lacking in a lot of the technical aspects. You can learn the technical, from the basics down to the more advanced things people will mention from time to time. You can't learn the enthusiasm or the desire, you either have those or you do not.
You showed the courage to put your works up to scrutiny (something I haven't done) and that says a lot for your desire to get better. If you take all the advice you get, especially from accomplished writers like Chicklet and from acomplished Critique givers like hiddenself, you will find you get better with each story you write
Best of luck on your future works,
Colly
Feedback
Hi lilguy,
I liked the general storyline of your Ms. Fortune stories. I think with a little work they could be even better.
My first recommendation is that you write the story in Word or some similar word-processing program and use the grammar check. The way you write makes me think that English is not your native language, or that you were so horny when you wrote it that you could only use one hand. Maybe both?
I'd like to see you try and pull all five senses into the scene. You do a good job of saying what things look like and feel like, but very little, if any, of how things taste or sound or smell. These details really make a story come alive to me.
Keep writing. Practice, and correcting mistakes, makes your writing better.
Hi lilguy,
I liked the general storyline of your Ms. Fortune stories. I think with a little work they could be even better.
My first recommendation is that you write the story in Word or some similar word-processing program and use the grammar check. The way you write makes me think that English is not your native language, or that you were so horny when you wrote it that you could only use one hand.
Maybe both?I'd like to see you try and pull all five senses into the scene. You do a good job of saying what things look like and feel like, but very little, if any, of how things taste or sound or smell. These details really make a story come alive to me.
Keep writing. Practice, and correcting mistakes, makes your writing better.
