Misaligned Libidos?

[wehstar]

OK so my situation here I thought I’d ask some advice from the wider world on before I go fucking anything up.

I’ve been dating this girl for about 3 months now. So in my view that’s time to decide whether to start making the kind of commitments you inevitably do when you’ve been with somebody for a time, or whether it was nice to get to know each other, but realise that things wouldn’t work out quite right and move on.

So, my answer would certainly be to give things a go, she has some great qualities, but for one issue. She doesn’t appear to particularly enjoy sex. In 3 months we’ve done it twice, the first time unfortunately quite awkward (lots of lube required etc.), I think she was quite nervous. I thought once we’d done it the once, perhaps things would speed up, but they haven’t. There was a gap of weeks between first and second sessions, and that was a few weeks ago too.

Maybe I’ve just been doing it wrong, though even if I do say so myself, my general feedback from girls after the third orgasm far from suggests I’ve bad techniques, but hey different people like different things! Normally in the first few months things are at their hot and steamiest as opposed to when it gets old and stale, right?

So, there seems to me to be two likely reasons why she isn’t wanting sex more than once a month:

1. Sex just isn’t on this beautiful lady’s list of things to do.
2. She is shy (there are signs of this) and needs a lot more time become comfortable with me.

I’m wary that if it is case 1, then perhaps I should move on before things get too emotional, both for me, her, and her small children I’ve met a couple of times. I used to be in a relationship with someone who nagged at me for sex 3 times a day and it was just too much, I’d hate to do that to somebody else.

Now I’ve read so many posts on this forum where I’ve said “FOR GOD’S SAKE TALK ABOUT IT!” and perhaps the fact that I am dubious about forcing a conversation about this isn’t a good sign generally, however there is a good reason I am wary about bringing it up. I don’t want her to feel like I’m putting any sort of pressure on her as if she just needs more time to become comfortable with me. If that was the case then I could see it making things worse for her. Also I wouldn’t want her to start taking me to bed because she feels like she has to in order to keep me you know, it just shouldn’t be about that.

So anyway, I feel like I may have to bring it up when I next see her in a couple of days. Any words of wisdom on the situation would be good, as would advice on how to manage the conversation.

(If any further background is useful, she’s 25, and split with her childhood sweetheart 18 months ago, so not a lot of experience with new people. I’m in a similar situation at 30, having split with my own childhood sweetheart 2.5 years back, though I’ve certainly been about enough in that 2.5 years to gain a fair amount of experiences with new people, and enough to tell that she stands out from the crowd enough to be a potential special someone.)

Cheers

 

[mntcmn]

hmmm

Eighteen months is not a VERY long time since a long-time relationship ended. The most basic advice is to not ever have sex with another unless they cannot help but participate fully and joyously. Mercy sex is not very satisfying. That, of course, begs the question you pose about libido mis-match. You'll have to choose whether to invest more time. Or not. One must always consider whether what you give in a relationship is worth what you get. That is not always an easy question to answer.
M

 

[wehstar]

Eighteen months is not a VERY long time since a long-time relationship ended. The most basic advice is to not ever have sex with another unless they cannot help but participate fully and joyously. Mercy sex is not very satisfying. That, of course, begs the question you pose about libido mis-match. You'll have to choose whether to invest more time. Or not. One must always consider whether what you give in a relationship is worth what you get. That is not always an easy question to answer.
M

Indeed, I agree with everything you say there. I think my question really is about whether to assume that things would change with time if I just continued as things are. Of course if I did that, I'd be taking a risk that her natural desire for sex (at least with me anyway, lol!!) is just not very high and I could see a libido mismatch straining a relationship.

My more natural instinct is to ask the question directly about if she thinks this is a generic lack of sexual interest for her, or if it is some sort of shyness. If people here agree that this direct question is the best approach, then how should I begin and manage the conversation? It could be a slightly awkward conversation to start, and I'd be concerned that she may feel pressured into opening up before she's ready which wouldn't be my intention.

 

[emap]

I am curious as to who exactly initiated the two times you had sex with her? That information may help, since obviously you are making it sound like you did which rather says to me at least that she is not ready for a full relationship yet. Eighteen months does sound like an awfully long time to go between boyfriends, except everyone heals at a different rate, it is possible she is screaming in her head for you to do her three times a day but she has kids and she is shy and she probably feels freshly single from a very long term relationship.

 

[infinity706]

I am curious as to who exactly initiated the two times you had sex with her? That information may help, since obviously you are making it sound like you did which rather says to me at least that she is not ready for a full relationship yet. Eighteen months does sound like an awfully long time to go between boyfriends, except everyone heals at a different rate, it is possible she is screaming in her head for you to do her three times a day but she has kids and she is shy and she probably feels freshly single from a very long term relationship.

Somehow, I doubt it. It's oversexed people like you and I that would actually want sex 3 times a day. I think the whole kids thing could be important, though.

 

[culloden]

If it's bothering you, it's likely bothering her as well. As often as not, I've found that the other party in any awkward situation is relieved when the topic is breached.

So, yeah, talk. Relationships are too important to base on guesses and hopes.

And it sounds like you'll know how to do it. Something like, "Honey, I'm really happy with you, but I have this concern. I'm reluctant to bring it up because I don't want you to feel pressured, but it's not fair to either of us to ignore it..."

Of course, she might still feel pressured, but there's only so much you can do to prevent others from undertaking such feelings.

 

[fgarvb1]

RUN! FORREST RUN!

 

[desiresmore]

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[Tumultuous]

Maybe broach the subject in a more neutral way at first - rather than the whole "we need to talk about X" opening (in whatever form you give it) which will most likely come across as pressure no matter how much you sugar-coat it, maybe try to have a conversation about your sexual views in general and see where it leads. You haven't provided a lot of background detail about her - does she have a history of sexual inadequacy/pressure from her prior relationships? Raised with a strict religeous background portraying sex as something 'dirty' or 'shameful?' Feel like she's emotionally endangering herself and/or her child if she gets too attached? Just some ideas to consider...

 

[satindesire]

There are a lot of things that can negatively affect a woman's sex drive. The stress of dealing with children (especially as a single mom), hormonal changes after birth, postpartum depression, poor diet, inadequate sleep, negative body image, and poor sexual education can all be factors in limiting a woman's sex drive.

It would be easier, much easier, to just leave the situation because you don't want to talk to her about it. But then again, she may be worth the talk in the end.

It's really down to what you're willing to risk. She may not even realize that sex is something she can enjoy and cherish in a relationship, if she's never been exposed to it in a positive way. And she'll never know WHY you left if you don't talk to her about it at least once.

I say you should give her a chance to fix things with you sexually before you bail.

 

[Dr_Love]

Just a couple of thoughts here. First, I think that you should start having some conversations with her. Not about the lack of sex, but ask her what her turn ons are. You are still in the getting to know one another phase so this is part of the fun!! She could quite possibly have a sexual beast inside ready to be unleashed, however she may not feel completely comfortable with you yet. These conversations can help you stratagies the best way to go about turning her on.

What do you do in an attempt to turn her on? I once heard a saying "women can be like a diesel engine, hard to start when they are cold, but once you get them going they will go forever". Some truth to that. Make sure you are giving her plenty of kissing and oral sex to get her in the right frame of mind. Make sure she is plenty wet when you have sex so that it does not hurt. Don't be afraid to tell her how good that pussy feels while you are sliding it in. Maybe some of these things are obvious, but they could be easily over looked especially with a case of blue balls!!

One final note, I once had a live in girlfriend that seemed to love the sex when we had it, but I found it really hard to get her to give it up. It seemed like she was not that interested in sex. One day I came home from work early and surprised her. She was spread out on the bed naked masturbating and quite embarrassed that I had caught her. It was very hot!! But, this got me to questioning her and having conversations about it. Come to find out, she would play with herself and fantasize about sex with me all day while I was gone, and then be sexually worn out by the time I got home. She confessed this to me. As time went on we became quite compatible sexually, but the rest of the relationship went south so it did not work out anyway. Bottom line, talk to her. Tell her she is freaking sexy and you wanna know how to push her buttons. In time you may find that she is just a cold tomato. On the flip side you may find her to be the hot potato that you want. Communication is EVERYTHING here.

Good luck!

 

[fuckmeat]

There are a lot of things that can negatively affect a woman's sex drive. The stress of dealing with children (especially as a single mom), hormonal changes after birth, postpartum depression, poor diet, inadequate sleep, negative body image, and poor sexual education can all be factors in limiting a woman's sex drive.

It would be easier, much easier, to just leave the situation because you don't want to talk to her about it. But then again, she may be worth the talk in the end.

It's really down to what you're willing to risk. She may not even realize that sex is something she can enjoy and cherish in a relationship, if she's never been exposed to it in a positive way. And she'll never know WHY you left if you don't talk to her about it at least once.

I say you should give her a chance to fix things with you sexually before you bail.

This is very good advice.

Also, I have some questions, if you don't mind. This is almost certainly not actually about sex. Her reluctance to be intimate with you is a symptom, not a diagnosis and it could stem from a number of issues.

How did the previous relationship end?

Was it a happy relationship? If she was cheated on or treated poorly, she'll have a hard time trusting a new guy, especially if her choice of partner is going to impact upon her kids lives in the long term. This woman is a mother, which means her life is not her own any more. The welfare of her kids will come before her own desire for romance and happiness. If you can't happily accept that she will always put her kids first in all circumstances, you aren't the right guy to date a single mother.

Do the kids see their dad? How much contact is there between your gf and her ex? Is it possible she still carries a candle for him or is worried that he'll dislike the idea of you playing happy families with her kids? Have you met her ex?

Also, is she on hormonal BC? Are you happy to use condoms? One explanation could simply be that she's terrified of falling pregnant again and winding up on her own because you're not ready for that. Do you have your own kids? Do you want them? Many single mothers don't want more kids. They want theirs to become more independent so they can return to work. Could that be a dealbreaker for you?

Before you start discussing things with her purely in terms of sex drive, I'd strongly advise you to look at her current situation as a whole and try to understand what could be stressing her out. You've already said it's early days yet so it's not unreasonable for her to be wary of jumping into things with both feet. When you talk to her, make it clear you're concerned about her and her happiness, not just getting your rocks off.

 

[satindesire]

*snip* When you talk to her, make it clear you're concerned about her and her happiness, not just getting your rocks off.

Thank you, FM.

Please, OP, take note of FM's post.

Sex drive isn't just a product of libido, it's also a product of history, and everything that entails, including childhood, religious upbringing, and past relationships.

Also please note that a reduced libido is HIGHLY common for mothers. I experienced this first hand after I had mine and my husband's baby, about 9 months ago.

My sex drive was...quite frankly, a little out of control, and has calmed to a much more reasonable pace since the birth of our little girl. Rather than bugging him for sex on a multiple-daily basis, I'm quite normalized. In my case, it wasn't a negative, especially for my relationship, but a positive. Her mileage may vary.

 

[subwannabe]

You didn't actually say how long it was both you and her were dating your childhood sweethearts. I say invest the time in talking to her but that is it. If talking doesn't work then you only have two choices:

1. leave

2. accept a non-sexual lifestyle

It is very possible she may have some deep seated emotional issues such as she may feel like she may never be able to actually love or trust anyone again. Just out of curiousity, did she break up with him or did he break up with her and why? I really don't think investing more time in the relationship is going to work, unless you had some good conversations about it all.

 

[desiresmore]

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[desiresmore]

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[desiresmore]

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[tenchikoi]

Having 3 kids, sex with you....or anyone....may not even be within her radar most of the time. I imagine she's exhausted a lot, stressed, and just has her plate full with work/family. When I get that way, you bet sex is the farthest thing from my mind. It also may be that she just doesn't care about sex that much. I know it's enjoyable, but you really wont die without it. All her energy/focus is most likely on the kids at this point in her life. That happens a lot. You have kids and suddenly you're invisible to your wife except when she wants you to do something around the house. Perhaps take a little weekend road trip together minus the kids. I think you both need to reconnect as a couple and give parenting a rest for a bit.

 

[wehstar]

I am curious as to who exactly initiated the two times you had sex with her? That information may help, since obviously you are making it sound like you did which rather says to me at least that she is not ready for a full relationship yet. Eighteen months does sound like an awfully long time to go between boyfriends, except everyone heals at a different rate, it is possible she is screaming in her head for you to do her three times a day but she has kids and she is shy and she probably feels freshly single from a very long term relationship.

The first time it seemed to flow, so I wouldn't say either of us initiated it.

The second time was a bit strange. It went something like this, as I rubbed her shoulder whilst she watched TV:-

"So if that's nice, I should give you a proper massage later."
"Nah, your alright man, that's nice I'm all loose there now."
"Oh... so... if you don't need a massage, how else do I get you naked then?"
"Oh... well we can just do that later anyway." (her tone more upbeat than negative)

However, to me, it very much felt like an appointment. Though she did express afterwards, in a tone that indicated surprise, that it was rather enjoyable.

 

[desiresmore]

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[wehstar]

Maybe broach the subject in a more neutral way at first - rather than the whole "we need to talk about X" opening (in whatever form you give it) which will most likely come across as pressure no matter how much you sugar-coat it, maybe try to have a conversation about your sexual views in general and see where it leads.

Thanks yes that may be a better way to go about it at least at first and see if that works. Being more vague may give me a few more weeks at least to see how things go!

You haven't provided a lot of background detail about her - does she have a history of sexual inadequacy/pressure from her prior relationships? Raised with a strict religeous background portraying sex as something 'dirty' or 'shameful?' Feel like she's emotionally endangering herself and/or her child if she gets too attached? Just some ideas to consider...

Actually she is going to an Ann Summers party at the weekend (to anyone outside the UK, this is where a high street chain similar to Victoria’s Secret but with a slightly raunchier product line send in a mobile sales rep to some woman’s house and sell her and her girlfriends panties and sex toys. Most women in the UK see this as a normal fun girl’s night out. I imagine they do them in other countries.) So that answers some of your question about her general attitude towards sex, as I guess some women would just not go if invited. That said, she’s probably just going because her friends are.

Either way, talking to her about what she’s gonna buy may be a route into the conversation about her desires lol! (incidentally I sneaked a look in her bedroom drawer where she keeps her lube last week, no vibrator… either it’s well hidden or she doesn’t masturbate all day…)

With regards to your questions there, I honestly don’t know a lot about that yet. I have no idea if she felt inadequate or pressurised previously. She had a relatively strict upbringing, but don’t necessarily think sex would have been frowned upon too much, though that’s pure speculation on my part.

She has said a few things which suggest she feels some sort of pressure to appear ladylike. Best foot forward you know, especially with me being “posh” and her not so.

 

[wehstar]

Just a couple of thoughts here. First, I think that you should start having some conversations with her. Not about the lack of sex, but ask her what her turn ons are. You are still in the getting to know one another phase so this is part of the fun!! She could quite possibly have a sexual beast inside ready to be unleashed, however she may not feel completely comfortable with you yet. These conversations can help you stratagies the best way to go about turning her on.

Yes this is similar to Tumultuous’ advice and I think I’ll take it, thank you.

What do you do in an attempt to turn her on? I once heard a saying "women can be like a diesel engine, hard to start when they are cold, but once you get them going they will go forever". Some truth to that. Make sure you are giving her plenty of kissing and oral sex to get her in the right frame of mind. Make sure she is plenty wet when you have sex so that it does not hurt. Don't be afraid to tell her how good that pussy feels while you are sliding it in. Maybe some of these things are obvious, but they could be easily over looked especially with a case of blue balls!!

Yeah I’m pretty good at all this, or at least I’d like to think so, people tell me I have magic hands and lips. I don’t think she is used to the idea foreplay. Though I do need to work on my oral technique with this lady, accordingly it tickles...

 

[wehstar]

This is very good advice.

Also, I have some questions, if you don't mind. This is almost certainly not actually about sex. Her reluctance to be intimate with you is a symptom, not a diagnosis and it could stem from a number of issues.

How did the previous relationship end?

Was it a happy relationship? If she was cheated on or treated poorly, she'll have a hard time trusting a new guy, especially if her choice of partner is going to impact upon her kids lives in the long term. This woman is a mother, which means her life is not her own any more. The welfare of her kids will come before her own desire for romance and happiness. If you can't happily accept that she will always put her kids first in all circumstances, you aren't the right guy to date a single mother.

Do the kids see their dad? How much contact is there between your gf and her ex? Is it possible she still carries a candle for him or is worried that he'll dislike the idea of you playing happy families with her kids? Have you met her ex?

Also, is she on hormonal BC? Are you happy to use condoms? One explanation could simply be that she's terrified of falling pregnant again and winding up on her own because you're not ready for that. Do you have your own kids? Do you want them? Many single mothers don't want more kids. They want theirs to become more independent so they can return to work. Could that be a dealbreaker for you?

Before you start discussing things with her purely in terms of sex drive, I'd strongly advise you to look at her current situation as a whole and try to understand what could be stressing her out. You've already said it's early days yet so it's not unreasonable for her to be wary of jumping into things with both feet. When you talk to her, make it clear you're concerned about her and her happiness, not just getting your rocks off.

Wow I have a lot of questions to answer from people here. I don’t mind though, as they will all help you to help me 



I haven’t talked to here in massive detail about how her relationship ended. To me he sounded immature and selfish. However I think all my girlfriend’s exes have been idiots, that comes from my male competitive nature (i.e. my insecurity!! LOL) combined with the fact that a lot of guys aren’t relationship material… Anyway, she was tired of him never being home and leaving her to the kids etc. so she eventually got rid. He is now living with a woman that she suspected at the time he was seeing whilst they were together, and they are expecting a baby. For the last six months he hadn’t seen the kids at all, though in the last month he has seen them once a week for an hour whilst they were staying overnight with his mother. I haven’t met him, though he seems to have very different values to myself. I certainly hope she doesn’t carry a candle for him, but who knows, I’m sure she wouldn’t mention it if she did…

I see that she may have trust issues. I’ve been cheated on myself, and appreciate how difficult it can be.

Again, with regards to the children, I think I’m being sensible/mature/understanding. For sure they’re her No1 priority. If she didn’t think like that, I wouldn’t consider her relationship material. I don’t have children of my own, though if I am to become a stepfather, I would want to have my own child too. We spoke about this very early days as it is a dealbreaker for me in a past relationship. I’ve only met her kids a few times – I don’t want to complicate things for them at all, it is early days. With regards to the sex issue, I’ve only considered going there when they’ve been staying overnight with her family babysitters.

Hormonal BC? Birth control pills? I was horrified when we first engaged in sex that she said she was on the pill and therefore there’s no need to use a condom… needless to say I did. My recent sexually transmitted infection test came back all clean this week so now I know I’m safe for her as I sense she prefers it that way. Obviously, I need to have a chat with her about being sensible. I suspect I am her sexual partner No 2 in life, though I need to confirm that suspicion and give her a sex ed lesson before diving in there...


There are a lot of things we need to talk about, now things are getting more deep and meaningful and moving on from the fun dates at the laser shooting place near the cinema stage.

 

[tenchikoi]

The thing is she was like this before we had kids too. She just doesn't think sexually. We don't have any family that live close by and the friends we have all have a ton of kids, so babysitting is hard to find. We have home date nights and when we do have sex and she is willing to enjoy it, she does, its just hard to live all the other time knowing she doesn't want me or isn't thinking me. I so badly want her to enjoy her sexuality and embrace it, but she just pushes it aside...

If she isn't ready or just doesn't want to, there isn't really a thing you can do about it. You may just have to accept that you're two very different people when it comes to things of a sexual nature. You could also stop hassling her about it and see if she comes to you instead.