Mirror of Love

writelove

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Apr 2, 2007
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This is a story I wrote as a romance. Thought maybe some of you would have some comments / suggestions. I am new at this site, still getting my feet wet.

I have a number of stories planned for the world of Kaligala but wanted some feedback to see how to proceed further.

Mirror of Love
 
First paragraph is confused.

The phone jarred me awake from the first good sleep of the week. It was Wednesday and already I was feeling myself droop at work. I needed sleep, craved it the way a man crawling around in a desert dreams of a glass of ice water. Creating imaginary worlds was a difficult task and without sleep ...

The phone jarred me awake? What happed did it fly up and hit you in the head. Or was the ringing of the phone what woke you. The metaphore isn't really needed at all. The phone woke you up. That's all you needed to say. Then you end with an ellipsis. There should be no space between the ellipsis and "sleep". I could argue that it shouldn't be there at all since this is not an incomplete thought.

Then you go on for six paragraphs talking in the middle of the night (I assume) to someone you don't know. This is not believable. The reaction is all wrong. You should be irritated. You would be screaming, "Who are you?" and hanging up.

From that point on it just gets worse. He's having phone sex with someone he doesn't know? In the middle of the night after being awoken from "the first good sleep of the week?" I don't think so.

If you want to capture the readers, you have to make them believe your characters are real. You characters have to act like real people. You characters have to have real reactions and attitudes. Your characters have to have personality.

As it is, I don't know you characters. They don't seem real to me. Rather, they seem thin and plastic, their reactions contrived.

Then part II isn't much of an inprovement. It launches into some unbelievable stroke story that begins with nine long paragraphs of discription that could have been done in one.

Overall, the story isn't a bad idea. You need to think more about your characters - who they are, how they think and so on. Do that and your next story will be much better received.
 
I would probably have put it softer, but Jenny has it right on the head. Go through what she says and ignore the hyperbole and you can learn lots.

The story is pretty good. You just need to tell it a bit better.

Keep going.
 
Thanks for the responses so far. I have another installment about what the the world is like when the couple jumps through the mirror.

I must confess that this installmant is also unbelievable and somewhat allegorical. I will try to make the characters more genuine within the confines of the unreal world I am building.

Again, I do appreciate the feedback.
 
writelove said:
Thanks for the responses so far. I have another installment about what the the world is like when the couple jumps through the mirror.

I must confess that this installmant is also unbelievable and somewhat allegorical. I will try to make the characters more genuine within the confines of the unreal world I am building.

Again, I do appreciate the feedback.
Writelove,
It doesn't make anydifference if the world in your story borders on the unbelievable as long as the characters are real. That's the basis of both Sci-Fi and fantasy. Tolkin wasn't too worried about the realisty of Orks or Wizards or the Shire for that matter when he wrote Lord of the Rings. It's still a good, readable story with real characters. That's the secret.
 
I pretty much have the same opinion as Jenny. I thought the first part of the story, the phone call, bordered on tedium. The dialog seemed forced at times.

I don't think you captured readers with this story. The idea behind the story is good. It will interesting to see what your next chapter is like.
 
Hi, writelove. I finally got around to checking out your story--hopefully not too late to be of some use.

Initially I had a similar, disbelieving response to the narrator's reaction to the phone call that others had, but after reading on, it made more sense. I actually think you can not only make the scene work, in and of itself, but use it more effectively to help set up the surrealness of your allegorical world.

I felt such a strong emotion coming from her, a stranger, someone completely unknown to me. Odd I could sense that. It wasn't anger or rage – perhaps concern.

Here, you give us a little suggestions that there's an immediate, mysterious connection between the narrator and the caller. Just provide a bit more of this. If the narrator has a few moments where he is surprised at his odd reaction, that he isn't just hanging up on this stranger who's woken him up, you'll give the reader a release-valve for our skepticism, and you'll be foreshadowing the surreal world about to be revealed.

I'd suggest doing something similar with the phone sex. As it is, I am too busy doubting the believability of their conversation to get into it. But play up the mysterious connection, that the narrator feels strangely compelled, that there's an inner voice telling him how odd this is, but marvelling at how natural, how right it feels, and your reader is more likely to stay on board.

On to littler things. You have some odd word choices and phrases, here and there.

I stopped visiting my friends and stayed in my small cabin all the time now. I had never been much of a socialite, but now I was even less of one.

He's not less of a socialite. He's living like crazy hermit guy. How about something like, "...but now I'd become a total recluse."

My voice was loud, too loud, and she jerked open her eyes. Black like ink yet deep like a pool of black water inviting me further. I swore they were almost waving at me – jump in the water is fine.

I know it's just a metaphor, but I suddenly had an image of her eyes on stalks waving like underwater alien plantlife or something.

"Mammary" for breast just pulls me right out of any sensuous mood and makes me think of studying biology.

My final thought is that your narrator's voice is a bit flat. Generic. The world of your story is so interesting, I think it deserves a compelling narrator. I'd think about who he is, and craft a unique voice for him. He and his friend should sound distinct from one another in dialogue, too.

I hope that's a bit helpful. Neat idea for a story.

-Nasha
 
Thanks for the suggestions. They were quite helpful.

At some point I will submit another story from the world of Kaligala.
 
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