Mind of Matter

[latinlyric]

mind of matter with descriptive prolific gifted scriptures battered
binds don't love the blood which is shifted and depicited in battle, splattered.
forgotten melodies of omnipresent lyrics which twitch and blend, mending your spirit
more re-blotting patches of indisgressions which appear thick in stitches of flicking once it appears fit.
shoving back those who hear and listen to the tracks that play in ur mind throughout the glistening day
In all ways we think of flows for fluidity of brain waves forming as typhoons of thought delays.
give praise to mind matter which ticks and penetrates the patterns of monotonous feelings
erase all those portraits of pummeling hits that delegate what shatters gellatinous peeling.
back to the beginning at which all life's runners paused and thought about what shall be
relapse on your back, head spinning despite slight stunning cause that fact ought to be for me.
Push me forward, let my arms flail outward, as my life flashes before me and memories of the past whistle at my heels
I collapse onto the floorboards, face first, it hurts to think what my mind has conjured for flight that's fickle, it's not real.
awakenings of obscenities cascade from my lips in a flurry of jabs and lunges
legs wobble shakily just lost more than life's ammenities which we hunger to pack inside our lunches.
bite the hand which feeds you and feel the cold steel of a breathless acorn which pierces, tattering flesh thats harmless only blind
smite the man that stands and speed on to grasp his handiwork but you are left breathless iregardless of the time.
THIS IS THE OUTCOME OF MATTER OVER MIND.

Please enjoy and give feedback.

 

[Icingsugar]

Feedback you say? Ok. Just a few short points now, I have too much schtuff to do elsewhere. Ah the thing we do to put food on the table...


So, here's the opinion of a sleep depraved Swede. Take it as you wish.


First of all: Yup. You've got something here. A good grasp on elaborate language, interresting imagery and reading rhythm. But what your writing needs is some kind of diciplin. You have great concern for the message. You need some more concern for the reader. The whole thing gets a bit tedious to read. Your choice of language seems to want to go out of it's way to find metaphors and similies, and most of the time that producec some really interresting text, but it also allows the text to get over-garnished and the message behind it too muffled.

Also, the formatting of the lines does the text an unfavor. Try some easy. Read your lines, and find the breaking points in the language, so that you can help the reader aling by adding breaks:

In all ways we think of flows for fluidity of brain waves forming as typhoons of thought delays.

might become

In all ways we think of flows
for fluidity of brain waves
forming as typhoons of thought delays.

But most important of all. Keep on writing and experimenting, read poetry until your eyes water, and blatantly rip off ideas and techniques that you like. It has worked for me so far, although we all have long ways yet to go.

/Ice