SweetSusiex
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2007
- Posts
- 156
Nothing to note
decided to remove the story...
decided to remove the story...
Last edited:
Milf Sex In La
- Thread starter SweetSusiex
- Start date
SweetSusiex
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2007
- Posts
- 156
pic post
removed by request.
removed by request.
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SweetSusiex
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2007
- Posts
- 156
zSuieq
this is too long?
this is too long?
Last edited:
SweetSusiex
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2007
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So, the story is fun, not to be critical.
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Did You Want Feedback For This?
If you don't want public feedback, post your story on Lit and disable comments and feedback. But understand, if you put something up here on Story Feedback, I will deem that you have requested public feedback. I can only give you a few quibbles, because I stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph. If you don't want my quibbles, ignore them. So here is what I have:
Usually every few years or so. And typically with someone she already knows.|Fragments. As we used to say in the Engineers ”Frag nichts.” (Don’t throw grenades). Join the fragments into a sentence, thus: She does this every few years, mostly with someone she knows.|You don't do something "usually" every few years. And "or so" are wasted words.
staying a nice hotel|Not unless the hotel was at sea, and she was tacking the hotel off a lee shore. You get “in stays” when you tack. Otherwise, she was staying at a nice hotel.
One of Susie’s co-workers saw a sign that said that Ron Jeremy was at the event, and they made some jokes about that, Susie had no idea who that was.|Run-on sentence, with two “that’s”. Clumsy. You need to make two sentences of this, thus: One of Susie’s co-workers saw a sign that said that Ron Jeremy was at the event, and they made some jokes about that. Susie had no idea who Ron Jeremy was.
(who is 5’2” petite strawberry blonde with blue eyes, C cup breast and approx 110 lbs)|Is this an erotic story or a WANTED poster? Introduce the physical details in a less clinical manner, when ol’ Susie is stripping for action and summoning all hands on dick (or all dicks on hand).
and heals|Not unless she had already been whipped. She was wearing heels. Huked on fonix dunt wurk fur mi.
On the way down Susie was in the elevator with one of her male co-workers and the elevator doors opens at the floor where this party is being held.|Two sentences before you said the whole team was on the elevator, so I must assume that “the whole team” included at least one of her male co-workers, as she usually had sex with someone she knew on a business trip, and you didn’t say she was lesbian or bi. And you change from past tense to present tense in one sentence--why?
The lobby was semi-full of various people|I gave up at this point. I have no intention of rewriting your story. I suggest you do so, having a modicum of respect, in the first place for your readers, and in the second, for the English language. If the lobby was “semi-full”, to use your phrase, and if this story is not Non-Human, of what else could it be full, with any relevance to the story, besides people? And if full of people, a fortiori (look that one up) if there was more than one person, they must have been various, unless this is a SciFi story about clones.
I suggest you find a good editor prontito.
If you don't want public feedback, post your story on Lit and disable comments and feedback. But understand, if you put something up here on Story Feedback, I will deem that you have requested public feedback. I can only give you a few quibbles, because I stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph. If you don't want my quibbles, ignore them. So here is what I have:
Usually every few years or so. And typically with someone she already knows.|Fragments. As we used to say in the Engineers ”Frag nichts.” (Don’t throw grenades). Join the fragments into a sentence, thus: She does this every few years, mostly with someone she knows.|You don't do something "usually" every few years. And "or so" are wasted words.
staying a nice hotel|Not unless the hotel was at sea, and she was tacking the hotel off a lee shore. You get “in stays” when you tack. Otherwise, she was staying at a nice hotel.
One of Susie’s co-workers saw a sign that said that Ron Jeremy was at the event, and they made some jokes about that, Susie had no idea who that was.|Run-on sentence, with two “that’s”. Clumsy. You need to make two sentences of this, thus: One of Susie’s co-workers saw a sign that said that Ron Jeremy was at the event, and they made some jokes about that. Susie had no idea who Ron Jeremy was.
(who is 5’2” petite strawberry blonde with blue eyes, C cup breast and approx 110 lbs)|Is this an erotic story or a WANTED poster? Introduce the physical details in a less clinical manner, when ol’ Susie is stripping for action and summoning all hands on dick (or all dicks on hand).
and heals|Not unless she had already been whipped. She was wearing heels. Huked on fonix dunt wurk fur mi.
On the way down Susie was in the elevator with one of her male co-workers and the elevator doors opens at the floor where this party is being held.|Two sentences before you said the whole team was on the elevator, so I must assume that “the whole team” included at least one of her male co-workers, as she usually had sex with someone she knew on a business trip, and you didn’t say she was lesbian or bi. And you change from past tense to present tense in one sentence--why?
The lobby was semi-full of various people|I gave up at this point. I have no intention of rewriting your story. I suggest you do so, having a modicum of respect, in the first place for your readers, and in the second, for the English language. If the lobby was “semi-full”, to use your phrase, and if this story is not Non-Human, of what else could it be full, with any relevance to the story, besides people? And if full of people, a fortiori (look that one up) if there was more than one person, they must have been various, unless this is a SciFi story about clones.
I suggest you find a good editor prontito.
SweetSusiex
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2007
- Posts
- 156
ouch
it's sex...it's just supposed tp be fun, dude. not some Jane Austine book.
it's sex...it's just supposed tp be fun, dude. not some Jane Austine book.
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SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2009
- Posts
- 38,862
Hello Susie,
If you have a 'story' and you want to see how it flies, the best strategy seems to be: post it as a story (in the appropiate category) and see what the readers say. They are not always right, and if you get 'bombed' by one or two, don't take it to heart, But it will generally give you some indication of how the audience is reacting to your stuff or your story telling ability. If you then have some specific questions or whatever, the Story Feedback page is a good place to ask them.
Good luck.
Sam
If you have a 'story' and you want to see how it flies, the best strategy seems to be: post it as a story (in the appropiate category) and see what the readers say. They are not always right, and if you get 'bombed' by one or two, don't take it to heart, But it will generally give you some indication of how the audience is reacting to your stuff or your story telling ability. If you then have some specific questions or whatever, the Story Feedback page is a good place to ask them.
Good luck.
Sam
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