Midlife crisis - BDSM style

[sb2009]

the more positive leaning folks I hear from, etc tend to say it's a time of growth and that while it may be a bit painful at times, some growth is. Other people think that's a crock LOL

With as little rambling on my part as possible - i'm curious about changes that can take place when we approach milestones in our lives.

Me - just turned 41. After more than a decade of being completely and totally in one role "mom and wife - wife of man who is gone a lot."

So, now, over the past couple of years, I'm seeing myself in a much more sexual manner, and my interest in BDSM (which as always there, just on the back burner with other things going on) increased.

I feel that right now I'm changing as a person. Feeling a bit selfish. Wanting more for myself. My shrink says "Hey, normal, great!" A face of that is wanting public play and involvement in a community of people who share this interest.

While this has been tolerated by my PYL..and parts of have been embraced, he's at a big crux in his life with career change and at times he's looking at me like i'm nuts "WTF? You want to go to a munch? I"m trying to make sure we don't retire in the poorhouse and you want to go pay for dinner out to talk to kinky people? Are you nuts?"

Now, this isnt' a bash my PYL because we come to compromises about this and we have worked well together for 15 years.

But I am thinking...did a midlife crisis of sorts start my journey into a more intense area? Why, while I look the same as I did 5 years ago, do I feel sexier than I ever have? And, will the Wonder Twins find a way to free Aquaman from the underground prison?

 

[zarngash]

Congrats and good luck on your journey!

Who the cuss knows what normal is? So I wouldn't put much thought into that, but it's nice to find people with commonalities.

I think growth is hard. And it can take both an emotional/psychological and physical toll on us. But just like building muscle in the gym, it's that last bit of effort that builds us and makes us grow stronger.

The thing that is on my mind and something I guess I am working on is asking myself is - how does this build or not build the intimacy in my relationship? Well, I try thinking like that when I can pull my head out of my ass long enough to see a bigger picture.

Everyone is so different and has their own story to tell - thank you for sharing.

Best wishes for you and yours

 

[richard_daily]

I think in relationships, we grow together and we grow apart. The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive (no pun intended).

Part of your relationship might be perfect; everything you ever dreamed of, white picket fences and all that jazz, yet the other parts might leave you wanting.

That's what it sounds like you're going through.

Unless you're finding yourself looking at young boys and buying a new sports car (or worse, getting a wig to hide your male pattern baldness), I think you can probably safely say that you're not likely to be having a mid-life crisis.

 

[sb2009]

well....I'm not looking at young BOYs...but our agreement a couple of years ago to explore polyamory has now been nixed by him...while i had gotten myself used, and yes, quite entranced by the idea. So that is an adjustment.

No buying any cars. My yellow mom SUV serves to humiliate the children, what more could I ask?

 

[Evil_Geoff]

He isn't willing to spring for dining out once a month?

 

[sb2009]

I AM NOT TRYING TO PAINT HIM AS A BAD GUY. But no, he's not. We eat out once a year, on my birthday.

Iknow, most people think it's wierd. He wants to come home, have dinner ready and eat and relax. Not think about socializing.

Crux of matter: he feels no need to make friends. I, after all these years of every second dictated by the needs everyone else, would like friends. So it's one of those "we have to meet in the middle things" which is being worked on. I'll go to munches alone. Though that leaves me in a wierd spot, or at least I am thinking it does "Where's your husband? Does he play? Why isn't he here?" etc.

Gah, I feel like i"m spilling my trash here. he's at a HUGE transistion stage in his life - retirement from miltary, starting civililian job. So to him, "all this" is just not that important. But to me it is.

And I can't count on both hands the couples we know who made it through 20 years of military, frequent deployments, all tha crap - and divorce one or two years after deployment. And all for the same reasons: husband wants to work and come home and vegetate, wife finally wants a group of friends to socialize with. It's scary. Add that I want my friends to be kinky...well, it's even odder.

Blah, it's been a horrid two weeks. I've had some crap going on, he's had crap. Sigh.

At least he has ok'd me going to the Kinky Carnival with a girl friend, I'm looking forward to that.

 

[Netzach]

I AM NOT TRYING TO PAINT HIM AS A BAD GUY. But no, he's not. We eat out once a year, on my birthday.

Iknow, most people think it's wierd. He wants to come home, have dinner ready and eat and relax. Not think about socializing.

Crux of matter: he feels no need to make friends. I, after all these years of every second dictated by the needs everyone else, would like friends. So it's one of those "we have to meet in the middle things" which is being worked on. I'll go to munches alone. Though that leaves me in a wierd spot, or at least I am thinking it does "Where's your husband? Does he play? Why isn't he here?" etc.

Gah, I feel like i"m spilling my trash here. he's at a HUGE transistion stage in his life - retirement from miltary, starting civililian job. So to him, "all this" is just not that important. But to me it is.

And I can't count on both hands the couples we know who made it through 20 years of military, frequent deployments, all tha crap - and divorce one or two years after deployment. And all for the same reasons: husband wants to work and come home and vegetate, wife finally wants a group of friends to socialize with. It's scary. Add that I want my friends to be kinky...well, it's even odder.

Blah, it's been a horrid two weeks. I've had some crap going on, he's had crap. Sigh.

At least he has ok'd me going to the Kinky Carnival with a girl friend, I'm looking forward to that.

No one will really care that much where he is. I mean they may think "freaky" for about two seconds if you explain that Dude is just THAT introverted, but most people are caught up in their own shit.

I don't have much to say about the rest, other than that M is almost that introverted. Almost. He does like the dinner out thing though. I'm pretty introverted myself, but eventually I will break down and want to see people and he often doesn't. I don't really care what they think that he didn't make it at this point.

Hopefully your husband at least realizes that his level of introversion doesn't put him in the middle of the bell curve?

Anyway, it sounds like you're in the painful process of realizing that you have needs which have not been addressed for a long time and a list of resentments regarding that. Justifiable resentments perhaps. I mean if eating out more than once an effing year would make M happy and sane, I think I could muster doing it even if I hated it just for the upside of an improvement in morale. War vs. Battle metaphor might apply.

If compromise is the problem solving mechanism in your relationship, then it sounds like he has more reaching to do to meet you halfway. If obedience is the problem solving mechanism in your relationship, then you'd probably better look for things in him that feel new or different since you can spend more time together.

 

[C Stephen]

Sounds like some large life changes are going on for both of you. For what it is worth, I had a job a few years back that had me on the road for extended periods of time. When I got home the greatest thing in the world to me was to just be home with family dinner and nothing really planned. Once I changed careers and was home all the time the way I wanted to spend my free time changed also.
Try to be patient and stay connected to the things that you love about your man. As long as both of you are able to communicate your wants needs and fears you should be able to shift gears in a way that will keep both of you happy.
My guess is that it may be much more a case of overwhelmed than not careing.

 

[sb2009]

so addessing that....obedience has been the problem solving mechanism for a long time...however, for me (the obediant one) it's just not working any longer. Now, I know i can choose to be a twoo sub and just swallow it down but I"m not very twoo...and yes, resentment is building. However, it is hard to feel resentment to someone who is undergoing the most intense life change that has yet happend to him...so I am not a nag nor insising on interaction.

As for looking for things that are new or differerent...not to sound dense here...because I really am not....so he's taken up woodworking. Which is fun for making toys to smack me with. But also results in large amounts of time in the basement working. I've tried sitting and showing interest, but ugh, I just can't. And that makes me feel a bit selfish as well.

I'm totaly spilling the guts here because today things for me emotionally came to a head and right now, he needs the wife who can take on whatever life dishes out, not the weeping woman who isn't sure what the fuck if going on.

Once again, sigh.

 

[graceanne]

No one will really care that much where he is. I mean they may think "freaky" for about two seconds if you explain that Dude is just THAT introverted, but most people are caught up in their own shit.

I have to say it's not that out of the ordinary for subs to go to those things by themselves. An antisocial dominant is not that out of the ordinary, I promise.

 

[rida]

*snip*
i'm curious about changes that can take place when we approach milestones in our lives.

*snip*

I feel that right now I'm changing as a person. Feeling a bit selfish. Wanting more for myself. My shrink says "Hey, normal, great!" A face of that is wanting public play and involvement in a community of people who share this interest.

*snip*

But I am thinking...did a midlife crisis of sorts start my journey into a more intense area? Why, while I look the same as I did 5 years ago, do I feel sexier than I ever have? And, will the Wonder Twins find a way to free Aquaman from the underground prison?

so addessing that....obedience has been the problem solving mechanism for a long time...however, for me (the obediant one) it's just not working any longer. Now, I know i can choose to be a twoo sub and just swallow it down but I"m not very twoo...and yes, resentment is building. However, it is hard to feel resentment to someone who is undergoing the most intense life change that has yet happend to him...so I am not a nag nor insising on interaction.

I'm about your age and have been/went through something very similar around the time I joined Lit.

It felt as my identity, my needs (in my case more toward polyamory at first) that I had locked up to live my life as I thought it w,as the appropriate way for a married mother and woman, got suddenly released and everything that had been neatly ordered inside of me started to be thrown around to sort through.

It has been about 3 years and I'm still not done rearranging my inner working, filing them away. I'm still discovering new things about myself that I suspected but never took the time to pay attention to in the past (also because we are talking about mostly "inappropriate in polite society" kind of things.

I have however lost the urgency that I felt the first year or two. I'm worrying less about running out of time, and I'm also less upset about the perceived 10 years I've wasted trying to mold to a proper behavior.

One of the unexpected consequences though is that I'm discovering more and more that, no matter how deeply I love and am committed to my Hubby (both as a spouse and as the Dom in our marriage), I cannot give him complete obedience. What I mean is that there are certain urges and needs in me that if he were to "order" to give up, I could not do without giving up myself or carry a very deep hurt that would slowly poison our relationship.

Luckily he value my happiness as his wife above my role as his submissive. Still the more I embrace my inner working, the more we find stumbling blocks.
Compromises are not always easy to reach, and as I slowly pull back from being totally "obedient" to him, we have now to find a new equilibrium between us.

Growth and change always carries growing pains. But Hubby and I both know that we are deeply committed to each other and each others happiness. Compromising is never easy and avoiding resentment is the hardest thing, I found. Knowing though where it comes from (the "need" VS "want") and owning your own decision is the first step. And also knowing that you can always revisit and review any agreement when it stop working for either of you. (although at times, when the partner is going through major changes, you need to wait.)

Good Luck!

 

[BiBunny]

Anyway, it sounds like you're in the painful process of realizing that you have needs which have not been addressed for a long time and a list of resentments regarding that. Justifiable resentments perhaps. I mean if eating out more than once an effing year would make M happy and sane, I think I could muster doing it even if I hated it just for the upside of an improvement in morale. War vs. Battle metaphor might apply.

Fuck, fuck, fucking YES. I just ended a relationship that had this problem. I tell you what I need, and then you say, "Ok," and never do it. THEN you wonder why I'm miserable. Gee, excuse the hell out of me for drawing the conclusion that you don't give a fuck about how I feel if you're not willing to alter your behavior just a little bit to make me happy.

 

[Seurat]

Anyway, it sounds like you're in the painful process of realizing that you have needs which have not been addressed for a long time and a list of resentments regarding that. Justifiable resentments perhaps. I mean if eating out more than once an effing year would make M happy and sane, I think I could muster doing it even if I hated it just for the upside of an improvement in morale. War vs. Battle metaphor might apply.

Fuck, fuck, fucking YES. I just ended a relationship that had this problem. I tell you what I need, and then you say, "Ok," and never do it. THEN you wonder why I'm miserable. Gee, excuse the hell out of me for drawing the conclusion that you don't give a fuck about how I feel if you're not willing to alter your behavior just a little bit to make me happy.

Might be a case of 'physician, heal thyself', but more communication is always a good start. If you can both keep the anger and resentment down to a minimum, you might be able to establish that median.

Keeping all that inside you isn't good for you sanity.

 

[zarngash]

I'm a bit confused. It sounds like with your family life, a lot of your social life is missing - very common it happens to the best of us. I understand the want for kink too. But what I don't understand is how one moves from not having a very well established social life to diving into the kink crowd. It sounds like diving into the deep end of the pool for both you and your husband without re-learning how to swim first.

Please don't take this as passing judgment, because I believe you are doing your best to meet your needs and your families needs. From my perspective, I see you wanting to further your intimacy with your husband (while enjoying kink), AND needing a wider face-to-face social network to fulfill your needs for friendship.

I guess I'll speak from my experience with my spouse - you've been really open and honest here, which takes a lot of courage. I feel a need for greater intimacy with my spouse that I translated into the need for more and greater amounts of kink. That only helped on the surface, the intimacy was the key. And that was blocked by trauma in our past. Never-mind the details, most people probably have had events in there life that they have developed behaviors to help them adapt to that situation and then it is applied through out there life and becomes maladaptive.

Anyway, FWIW I'm throwing it out there for you to consider (and you are a highly considerate person) for a different perspective that may or may not apply to you and your family.

so addressing that....obedience has been the problem solving mechanism for a long time...however, for me (the obediant one) it's just not working any longer. Now, I know i can choose to be a twoo sub and just swallow it down but I"m not very twoo...and yes, resentment is building. However, it is hard to feel resentment to someone who is undergoing the most intense life change that has yet happend to him...so I am not a nag nor insising on interaction.

As for looking for things that are new or differerent...not to sound dense here...because I really am not....so he's taken up woodworking. Which is fun for making toys to smack me with. But also results in large amounts of time in the basement working. I've tried sitting and showing interest, but ugh, I just can't. And that makes me feel a bit selfish as well.

I'm totaly spilling the guts here because today things for me emotionally came to a head and right now, he needs the wife who can take on whatever life dishes out, not the weeping woman who isn't sure what the fuck if going on.

Once again, sigh.

 

[ecstaticsub]

In some ways my husbands retirement from the military was as traumatic as each of his deployments. It's now been a little over a year since his retirement date. We moved, bought a new house, of course I changed jobs yet again, he started a civilian job and a few months later left that job in frustration. Throw in two teen children who are going through there own adjustments and you get lots of need for patience and compromise.

Even though my husband is not my dominant so I've never been submissive to him, in many ways we have both been submissive to the needs of the military. I have been the dutiful officer's wife and mother. Along with working part-time everytime we moved I knew that role and I did it well. "Suck it up, and deal with it" was my mantra. I accepted that and actually enjoyed it.

The last year has been a little rough but it's been fun somewhat re-inventing ourselves. We were married before he went into the military. It almost feels like we have gone back to those honeymoon years.

My piece of advice, and you may not like it. Suck it up and deal with it for just one more year. As difficult of a transition it is for you, it is harder for him. Be what he needs you to be, do what he needs you to do. Slowly over the year work your needs into the relationship. This transition will take time. If too much changes all at once it is hard to keep your feet grounded.

PM me anytime you want to talk.

Good luck

 

[okatty35]

well.....

Here i go i guess. 49. Married 28 years. Kids, dogs and whole 9 yards. Love my wife and think she loves me. One day i looked up and we were best friends, partners in the game but absolutely NO passion or excitement, etc. Dont even mean sexual so much as just NONE. We got all our jobs done and kids where they need to be and groceries and all that but man, just started wondering. We woudl talk some but she disagreed and said its just normal passage of time and phase of marraige. I feel needed in lots of routine ways but not in any real ways. I feel wanted but not how i want to be wanted. Im not explaining this very well, but ML crisis time?? You tell me. UUgh.

 

[DVS]

the more positive leaning folks I hear from, etc tend to say it's a time of growth and that while it may be a bit painful at times, some growth is. Other people think that's a crock LOL

With as little rambling on my part as possible - i'm curious about changes that can take place when we approach milestones in our lives.

Me - just turned 41. After more than a decade of being completely and totally in one role "mom and wife - wife of man who is gone a lot."

So, now, over the past couple of years, I'm seeing myself in a much more sexual manner, and my interest in BDSM (which as always there, just on the back burner with other things going on) increased.

I feel that right now I'm changing as a person. Feeling a bit selfish. Wanting more for myself. My shrink says "Hey, normal, great!" A face of that is wanting public play and involvement in a community of people who share this interest.

While this has been tolerated by my PYL..and parts of have been embraced, he's at a big crux in his life with career change and at times he's looking at me like i'm nuts "WTF? You want to go to a munch? I"m trying to make sure we don't retire in the poorhouse and you want to go pay for dinner out to talk to kinky people? Are you nuts?"

Now, this isnt' a bash my PYL because we come to compromises about this and we have worked well together for 15 years.

But I am thinking...did a midlife crisis of sorts start my journey into a more intense area? Why, while I look the same as I did 5 years ago, do I feel sexier than I ever have? And, will the Wonder Twins find a way to free Aquaman from the underground prison?

Maybe he's just burned out. I don't know how long this has been going on, but I sometimes experience cycles in many things. I get burned out, don't enjoy it for a while, then one day something sparks my interest again.

I can't say this is what's going on, though. You know him better than I do, obviously. Maybe he isn't prone to these cycles. I hope you work it out.

 

[satindesire]

Just because you're a sub doesn't mean you don't NEED things. And as a Dom, his responsibility to you is to meet those needs. If he WON'T (This is a case of won't, not can't, clearly) then there's something wrong with HIM, sweetheart, not you.

No, he's not a bad guy, but he's not really acting like a very good one either.

You need to take off your sub hat for a second and put your foot down. There's no harm in going after what you want.

Remember, if he breaks his toys, he can't play with them anymore.

 

[ultramarineblue]

so addessing that....obedience has been the problem solving mechanism for a long time...however, for me (the obediant one) it's just not working any longer. Now, I know i can choose to be a twoo sub and just swallow it down but I"m not very twoo...and yes, resentment is building. However, it is hard to feel resentment to someone who is undergoing the most intense life change that has yet happend to him...so I am not a nag nor insising on interaction.

As for looking for things that are new or differerent...not to sound dense here...because I really am not....so he's taken up woodworking. Which is fun for making toys to smack me with. But also results in large amounts of time in the basement working. I've tried sitting and showing interest, but ugh, I just can't. And that makes me feel a bit selfish as well.

I'm totaly spilling the guts here because today things for me emotionally came to a head and right now, he needs the wife who can take on whatever life dishes out, not the weeping woman who isn't sure what the fuck if going on.

Once again, sigh.

What types of things are you having trouble being obedient about? Everything in general or is there a specific type?

Are you talking about showing interest in his woodworking by sitting and watching him work? Does he want you to do that? I would imagine you would be able to show interest by your appreciation for the finished piece.

Also, like earlier posters said, lots of pyls go to munches without their PYLs and vice versa.

*hugs* for the hard time

 

[Homburg]

I'm totaly spilling the guts here because today things for me emotionally came to a head and right now, he needs the wife who can take on whatever life dishes out, not the weeping woman who isn't sure what the fuck if going on.

Once again, sigh.

Transition to civilian life can be stunningly difficult. I know it was for my folks. You go from having a highly regimented life with a vast support network to wondering where your next paycheck is coming from and having to fix your own driveway. In some ways, my father still hasn't made that transition, and it's been 15 years.

But as tough as it was for my dad, my mom got the double whammy. She went through all the change and hassle he went through, and also had to support him in ways she never needed to previously. It was tough as hell on her.

My dad was pretty insular when I was growing up. We'd eat out more than once a year, but he wasn't interested in having friends, nor was he involved in my mom's friends. He didn't disapprove, but he wasn't on board with the idea of her having friends. As far as he was concerned, they had each other, and that was all he felt was needed. As a result, my mom's social life was whatever she could construct on her own. And, as you well know, it changed constantly due to PCS, retirement, etc, same as my social associations did for the same reasons.

These days he still doesn't actually have any friends of his own. He is vaguely friendly with a few people, but they are always folks he's related to somehow. Interestingly, my dad is one of the friendliest people you could meet. He's genial, out-going, and will talk your ear off. Just don't expect to hang out with him.

Not sure where I'm going with this aside from anecdotal support that transition to civilian life can be rough.

Oh yeah, pretty much every military person I've known has bounced out of their first job outside the military in a few months. One of my buddies quit his first job out of the Navy for the sole reason that he could. He spent years wanting to quit the Navy and couldn't, so he worked that frustration out by quitting his first civilian job. You gotta wonder...

 

[richard_daily]

so addessing that....obedience has been the problem solving mechanism for a long time...however, for me (the obediant one) it's just not working any longer. Now, I know i can choose to be a twoo sub and just swallow it down but I"m not very twoo...and yes, resentment is building. However, it is hard to feel resentment to someone who is undergoing the most intense life change that has yet happend to him...so I am not a nag nor insising on interaction.

As for looking for things that are new or differerent...not to sound dense here...because I really am not....so he's taken up woodworking. Which is fun for making toys to smack me with. But also results in large amounts of time in the basement working. I've tried sitting and showing interest, but ugh, I just can't. And that makes me feel a bit selfish as well.

I'm totaly spilling the guts here because today things for me emotionally came to a head and right now, he needs the wife who can take on whatever life dishes out, not the weeping woman who isn't sure what the fuck if going on.

Once again, sigh.

Anyone who pretends that they know what the fuck is going on is lying to you.

Everyone is figuring it all out as they go along... unless they lead a very boring, mundane, unfulfilling existence.

I can see why you would have a growing resentment, but there's also a lot you can do to express to him what you need, and to help curb that resentment. Hell, offer to watch porn that is along the lines of what you might like, you never know what he might like...

As for woodworking, there's tons of good puns in there, and I'm sure you can charm your husband into making a paddle for you... And if you talk about what you can do with him while he's making it, that will almost certainly make you more interested in woodworking, which might bring the two of you a little closer together.

I think the key to any successful relationship is tons of communication and a healthy dose of sex that fulfills all partners involved... beyond that, the details are all up to the individuals to figure out.

 

[NomadLady]

I went through something similar when I was married (vanilla). My ex worked a LOT and I got tired of not having friends, etc. We had a motorcycle (his) and I decided if he wasn't going to allow me to have children that I should get to have some kind of fun. I got my OWN motorcycle, got out, starting making friends, etc...
Well that was the beginning of the end...he was too insecure to handle me having a life outside my work and home. He was and still is an introvert so be careful how you deal with this.

 

[sb2009]

so we are playing scrabble on facebook together LOL But the smack talk is a good stress relief. I still feel like i'm going nuts LOL