Mid Summer's Night Wet Dream

[X_Ray]

Exhibitionists & Voyeurs

While this is not my first written erotic work it is the first one I've had posted on the web. Up til now I have written erotic stories & fantasies only for lovers of mine so this is losing my virginity, so to speak. Regardless, you need not be gentle because it's my first time! Please give me your honest opinion and any suggestions you might have. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=44386

 

[Impetus]

woaaaaaah that was cool!

I really liked the sense of 'detachment' you set up throughought the whole story. You managed to keep it consistent and noticable without forcing it on the reader. I felt the same haze over reality that I'm sure the main character did. And when you switched over to the woman and we realized she was thinking the same thing? That was *marvelous*! It was also pretty damn hot for just being masturbation.

Suggestions? Um...a few minor technical errors, nothing distracting, the last line especially stuck out as odd. It didn't flow as well as the rest of the story, and since it was the last line it stuck with me. But other than that, top-notch work. Muchoz Kudoz.

-I

 

[X_Ray]

Thank you so much Impetus for your kind comments and helpful advice. I agree with you about the last line and I'm going to change it if I make this into a series as I hope to.

 

[MaxSebastian]

And in the morning, he realised it was all a dream...

Well, I should say firstly that I'm a little biased - I generally prefer reading stories rather than just fantasies - the trouble with just writing about someone's dream is that it's all too easy to use that as an excuse to leave out characterisation, plot and other details.

I think your piece, like as lot of 'fantasies' posted here at Lit is in real trouble in this respect. Like a Calvin Klein fragrance ad on televsion, it's just a picture of two people who we know nothing about and find nothing about in a setting that has no grounding doing something that is so uncomplicated that I get a little bit bored by it to be honest.

Because there's a lack of real character - no hint of who these people are, what they're like, where they've come from, what they do for a living, how they come to make the choices they do, how they get on with others - and the plot is nothing more than two-people-go-into-restaurant-and-masturbate, it was a real wonder that you managed to write so much before anything even happened. Half of the story is about the guy getting a little lost on the way to the restaurant and then finding it and entering it. This coupled with the lack of dialogue meant that the pace was akin to a snail race, hardly gripping stuff, dream or not.

But it's a dream - of course that is your defence to criticisms like this - it doesn't need to have a complicated plot, in-depth characters, any kind of progression. And that's the trouble with writing about dreams. Then there's usually that last paragraph where they wake up and we realise (or it is confirmed) that none of it was real. That's always the disappointment for me when I read a 'fantasy'. I like to read a story about some characters, and what happens to those characters. If I want to dream, I'll go to sleep. But hey, maybe that's just me.

You write well - flowing, descriptive prose (aside from that troublesome last line - never use 'he/she' in prose - yuck!) - but it seems to me that this piece has been something of a waste of your talent. You need to do more groundwork before writing - think of how to get the most of your characters, your settings, your plot - how can you cut out the tedious parts (like the long, long drive to the restaurant) and still maximise suspense? If this is going to be a series, you need some real work on these aspects.

A little historical aside - Nell Gwynn was the famous lover of the charming Charles II during the Restoration period - not as you stated, James I (who was a very ugly man whose tongue was too big for his mouth, and apparently had the most revolting table manners, but I digress...). If you're going to include small pieces of information that have little purpose than to establish the lead character's intellect, make sure you get the facts correct!

But anyway - you're such a good writer, if you're going to make this a series, try and put in some storyline, some characterisation and I'm sure the sequels will be better for it. Make the most of your obvious talent.