the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Kinky? Not really...
Married - Yes...
Many women wanted? Nope
Just another to hug and to hold...
Married - Yes...
Many women wanted? Nope
Just another to hug and to hold...
Michigan Lady?
- Thread starter the_tom_cat
- Start date
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Said it many times....
I am just here to please the ladies...
Ok myself also!!
I am just here to please the ladies...
Ok myself also!!
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Changed the frog into a naked chick??
Did not know anything was wrong...
But appreciate any help...
You know of some Ann Arbor Mich girls who would make a good mistress??
Did not know anything was wrong...
But appreciate any help...
You know of some Ann Arbor Mich girls who would make a good mistress??
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Good thinking...
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a single cow born in
Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And,
they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they
are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was
written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked
for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You
cannot post "Thou Shall Not Steal," "Thou Shall Not
Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It
creates a hostile work environment
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a single cow born in
Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And,
they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they
are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was
written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked
for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You
cannot post "Thou Shall Not Steal," "Thou Shall Not
Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It
creates a hostile work environment
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Drunk Scale...
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You
can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 A.M. Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels like shit. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pissed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good right about now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You
can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 A.M. Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels like shit. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pissed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good right about now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Over 50!
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Forward this to every one you can remember
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Forward this to every one you can remember
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Some funny jokes...
An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.
The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it's a funny joke they will laugh."
The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.
The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."
It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, " my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook".
"Good Rodney" says the teacher, "how about you, Johnny?'"
Johnny stands up and stammers, "my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no ....L-E-C-K- no....
The teacher interrupts, "never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?"
Vinnie stands up and says, "My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!"
----
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
-----------------
"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
---------
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
-------------------
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.
The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it's a funny joke they will laugh."
The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.
The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."
It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, " my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook".
"Good Rodney" says the teacher, "how about you, Johnny?'"
Johnny stands up and stammers, "my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no ....L-E-C-K- no....
The teacher interrupts, "never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?"
Vinnie stands up and says, "My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!"
----
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
-----------------
"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
---------
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
-------------------
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Where are the babes???
Anyway -- I know some of ya LOVE my sense of humor and I keep telling you that there is more about me to love...
Check out this MANLY MAN way to use a POSTIT...
http://www.winthelotto.net/jane.jpg
Anyway -- I know some of ya LOVE my sense of humor and I keep telling you that there is more about me to love...
Check out this MANLY MAN way to use a POSTIT...
http://www.winthelotto.net/jane.jpg
rozezwild
~*~untouchable~*~
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Posts
- 33,541
the_tom_cat said:Anyway -- I know some of ya LOVE my sense of humor and I keep telling you that there is more about me to love...
Check out this MANLY MAN way to use a POSTIT...
http://www.winthelotto.net/jane.jpg
I would kill you
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
She doesn't know MY wood....
You loved that one -- you are going to LOVE this one...
http://www.winthelotto.net/beerbeforeitstarts.jpg
You loved that one -- you are going to LOVE this one...
http://www.winthelotto.net/beerbeforeitstarts.jpg
the_tom_cat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2006
- Posts
- 652
Blondes are cute...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came In and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and
Another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You
Know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need
A new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this
Piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and In the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which
Had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and
Said, "Of course, it's right there."
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
Want to see a 710 ??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://www.winthelotto.net/710.jpg
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came In and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and
Another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You
Know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need
A new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this
Piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and In the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which
Had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and
Said, "Of course, it's right there."
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
Want to see a 710 ??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
http://www.winthelotto.net/710.jpg
