Met My Old Lover in a Grocery Store-Jan. 7, 2002

[Mickie]

Sorry this is late. IP was down on Friday and, frankly, I forgot about it over the weekend.

The story for this week's discussion is Met My Old Lover in a Grocery Store by Jocund Day.

It can be found in the Fetish category.

The link -- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28062

Mickie

 

[Jocund Day]

Hi, all.

This story was inspired by the iconic pop ballad "Same Old Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg. You know the one: "Met my old lover in the grocery store,/The snow was falling Christmas Eve./I stole behind her in the frozen foods,/And I touched her on the sleeve."

It took me about two weeks, two hours a day, to complete the first draft and one polish, and I thought about the structure and action on and off for about two weeks before committing anything to paper.

I long ago concluded that I lack the imagination to write fiction, before, that is, I realized that the best fiction is really only thinly veiled autobiography, and so I can candidly report that this is the first fictional story I have written. There has been lots of overwritten drivel of an academic nature, lots of creative non-fiction a la John McPhee or Tracy Kidder or Truman Capote, but no stories. If this one works the credit belongs to Dan Fogelberg, the man with the vision.

As those of you who have read my posts here know all to well, I give no quarter when it comes to my conception of quality erotica. I can add now, with one of my own stories in the sites, that I expect none in return. Mutual masturbation only really satisfies when it's done in person, capiche? Thanks for your reasoned input.

JD

(A word about the paragraph breaks. Literotica's server apparently abhors an unoccupied space, including those customarily used to indent the first line of a paragraph. There should only be a paragraph break where the perspective of the narrator switches from tub to grocery store and visa versa. Please read it as such.)

 

[Cindie]

met old lover...

well, JD, I think that your story stands on it's own for content....I really liked it. I like the surprises, the door opening and the office windows.

I was confused at one point though...maybe it is just the demands of the board....but at one point they were in the store and then she was getting her favorite toy. But then it clears up.

I liked it alot....especially the coming and pissing part...love surprises.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

JD seems to have accomplished her purpose of creating quality erotica. The erotism is very strongly conveyed although the content is partly masturbation.

The writing often has real beauty--

She recalled their first real embrace and how a seeming split-second later they were naked and kissing and he held her tightly as they fell through time and space, fell down through jobs and houses and families, through insecurity and regret and ennui. She was in love long before they hit the enormous carnal cushion at the bottom. //

It's due in part to mastery at the sentence level. Enormous variety, skillfully handled and breaking into Hemingway-eque flow as she comes. These stylistic transitions are well crafted to suit the turns the story takes.

In details, there are a few more than minimal typos, homonym problems ('seems of her dress'; 'forth such repetition'). The wording occasionally jars, since along with the above words in the quote are slang terms like 'lube' 'dong'. I suppose a modern woman with literary 'flare', at the same time requires the words of 'straight talk'. Very occasional stale phrase, 'swollen lips and engorged clit'.

Other than such picky things (which are far less than the average, and handled at almost professional level), as critique I would say the ending (second and third-last sentences) is worded in a less than satisfying way. It's a lament of many women that the (otherwise 'right') men are afraid of involvement and a rueful reflection that the men never got to know them deeply. But even if that's all it is here, it could be worded a bit more freshly.

Keep up the fine writing! Be assured that your careful construction was noticed in dozens of ways and certainly paid off in terms of how the story 'goes over.'

Jack

 

[VeraGem]

Well done, I believed it - I was there behind the glass with them, I could feel her sense of loss even though I wanted to scream at her to get over it.

The flow was good, but as you say, interrupted by the formatting. I'm glad you warned us about the problem. I find that with net publishing it's better to break sections with some kind of unobtrusive character, like an asterisk.

Sentence structure? I agree with Abashed-dreamer. I'd only like to see a limit to the use of exclamations like "YEEESSSSS."

Just a touch of passive voice, "the wine glass she had set," but I missed it on the first read so I can't say it was distracting. Ditto the adverbs - slowly, quickly, exquisitely and the like distract me when placed in front of an action. Not so here - mainly, I think, because of your command of the language. You didn't just throw them in for lack of a description.

As far as an overall opinion: I liked it and I'll be looking for more.

 

[scarlet vixen]

Met My Lover,

Jocund Day, your story is very polished and at the same time exciting, erotic. There are fine sentences not usually seen in these parts..


Example: They tumble, eyes closed, consumed by passion, through it and into what they come to realize is an un-peopled, picture-windowed office, an observation booth really, with counter-style desks which jut from the base of the windows, with lumpy office machines on the counter desks and armless task chairs strewn around the room. He realizes instantly that the glass is one-way; she does not. The door swings closed behind them.

He smiles a little smile at her. [end]

The first sentence: fifty words, perfectly clear. I'm impressed. Only a small fly in the ointment, 'consumed by passion'. Too common. The last sentence, 'smiles a ..smile'.??

The sentences about his realizing the mirror situation. Brilliantly embedded. Dramatic.

Next example:

He slowly spins the chair they are in, and the movement compliments the twirling in her brain as she nears her climax, but that's not it. He wants her to see what he sees. He turns her and the picture windows behind come into full view. She is fucking this man, taking his body into her own, in full view of at least twenty strangers, if not for the one, millimeters-thin, layer of reflective film.

This knocks me over. Instead of the usual 'her head was spinning', we have the physical spinning of the chair, yielding one of those 360 sweeps you see in some art films. And again the kinky and erotic surprise, the touch of exhibitionism or shame or shamelessness, in 'doing it' (and not doing it) in from of a bunch of strangers.

These are just a couple points in a an *excellent* piece.

 

[karmadog]

I really liked this story. I liked the way you shifted between fantasy and reality. The first shift worked best because you changed from past to present tense, heightening the difference, but you didn't shift back. Was that on purpose? If so, I didn't get it. Other than a couple of typos that I'm sure you're aware of, I don't have any other criticism. I feel guilty, but what can I do?

PS Like your nick. It made me look up "jocund", I'd forgotten what it meant.

 

[Guest]

Who's Afraid of Jocund Day?

Methinks some timid souls are too intimidated to give constructive criticism: I will attempt to rectify the situation.

This story was painful to read--hearbreaking almost in light of the obvious literary knowledge and ambition of the author (I mean ambitious in the sense of wanting to write well-crafted prose).

The most obvious and consistent problem is with syntax. Your sentences are trying to do too much, almost breaking under the weight, and leaving the reader feeling pummeled in the process. Too verbose!Try combing over every sentence and skimming the fat, tightening, not leaving it until sings.

Title:
The title is first person, the body of the text third--this is jarring and confusing.

Epigraph:
What does it have to do with the story?

The whole first paragraph is unnecessary and should be cut--remember Hemingway? What's wrong with starting:

'She bent up to turn the faucet off, reached out to turn the handle...'

Paragraph 2: 'She leaned back and sank neck-deep into the slick water, thinking of how much she had missed ready access to sex since the divorce, sliding both hands up her torso, cupping her breasts, and then deciding quickly to think of
anything but the divorce, as her thumbs made lazy circles around each nipple.'

Look at this sentence as if someone else had written it. What is wrong with it? It is mechanical and dead. She 'leaned back', she 'missed ready access to sex,'(tell me that doesn't stick in your craw!). The divorce should only be hinted at, alluded to--certainly not referred to twice in the sentence and definitely not highlighted with the underlined BUT. How about something like, 'Relaxing back into the hot, oil-slick water, what she missed most now was his strong hands and hard cock...'

Paragraph 4: 'He was just too eerily *right* for her.' Why 'eerie'? The rest of this sentence is a classic example of telling, not showing: what did he LOOK like (a detail or two will do--'solid, not too handsome' is not detail, it's dead words),what did he DO ('stable, low-risk, well-paid'?!? I'm tearing what's left of my hair out), what was his attitude ('respectful, honest, attentive'--sounds like a golden retriever). The last sentence of this paragraph is overblown and incoherent--look at it, figure out what you want to say, and let if FLOW.

Paragraph 5: '...a single white rose, the color of sadness.' Maybe for her it BECAME the color of sadness, but that is not what you said.

Paragraphs 6-7: Transitions. You set the opening masterbation session in the past tense, then move to present tense for the flashback/fantasy. This is a little confusing and, again, jarring.

Paragraphs 7 and 8: BLOATED, BLOATED BLOATED, BORING, BORING BORING, and REPETITIVE, REPETITIVE, REPETITIVE. She pushes her cart, he pushes his cart,blah blah blah, and then 'Two aisles over he is there again,' and then...'Two aisles over he is there again...again...again...'

Paragraph 9: His teeth were surprised? Maybe something like, 'She surprised him with the intensity of her kiss, so hard at first that their teeth clicked [if you must keep that--you do have teeth clicking in the very next paragraph], then more softly...'Next sentence: Perhaps his decorum was loosened, but his equilibrium as well? Finally, with the last sentence of paragraph 9,we get a tight, clear, smooth, singing line: 'The kiss lingers, and it is so sweet, so missed, so good, that she is conscious only of his probing tongue and a familiar sensation of falling.'
Wonderful! Hooray! Please, please, PLEASE look at every sentence in this piece and work it until it sings like that or get rid of it. (Another recurring problem that I noticed was unnecessary words witthin sentences, unnecessary repetition of words (example: paragraph 6: ...'she pauses to breath in and out then in and out...' What's wrong with 'she pauses to breath'?), and I would go so far as to say unnecessary commas.This all ads up to VERBOSE.)

Paragraph 10: We get another lovely sentence: 'She likes to work her clit slowly, to strum it with all four fingers in quick succession, overloading the synapses in an instant, bump-bump-bump-bump, and then pause on the edge until the nerve endings are practically begging her fingertips for the next contact.' Beatiful. The only suggestion I woud make would be to consider substituting 'thrum' for 'strum'--it fits better with the action described and is has richer allusory content...

Paragraph 13: Cut the first two sentences. Start with 'He comes closer...'But, BUT, he does NOT 'reach between her arm and waist and click the lock button in the center of the door handle home'! Sheesh! What he does is...'He locks the door.'
This is a textbook example of a bloated sentence
(and, unfortunately, a representative one in this piece). See Strunk and White's 'Elements of Style'for more on this.

Paragraph 13-end: Now we get to the crux of the bisquit. The sex is BORING and MECHANICAL. The characters are moved around like marionettes. Unecessary words abound from here on out...'she reaches down and finds...'NO. 'She finds.'
Drops down on one knee to remove his pants, then scratches her way back up...but wait, now she's sucking his cock...but I thought she just got up... Things are popping and jumping and dropping, but nothing is happening--it's all a jumble. A headache!

Paragraph 14: 'She repeats, and repeats and repeats...' Yes, she does (yawn). 'It fits her discretely, fills her sucking carnal void...' What, I ask you, is 'discrete' about a transluscent-pink, double-ended jelly dong that is described later in the very same sentence as 'creating a lewd popping sound with each withdrawal, bumping her screaming clit with each insertion'? It is difficult to imagine anything more explicit.

Paragraph 15: This is a nightmare, with the exception of the moving, swirling chair climax sentence. 'Her moisure-matted, auburn haired lips.' Lips are labia, and if she has hairy labia, that's kind of gross. Also, he's SIMULTANEOUSLY biting her lips, sucking her clit, probing her vagina and...circling her asshole. We do not know how he accomplishes this, what postion either of them are in, or how he suddenly gets to ' the hollow at the small of her back.' But wait! Suddenly she 'straightens and spins, pushing him back in the chair' miraculously avoiding stepping on him or knocking him over in the process...
Whew!

It deteriorates from here, ending up in 'YEEEEEESSSSES' and 'NO,NO,...OH,NOS'

I don't have the energy to go on. Hope this helps.

 

[mudlnthru]

Finally found time to re-read the story. These long weeks are getting to me.

The story premise is good. I've always wondered what a woman's fantasy might include, especially during her own "private" time. The problem is, it seems to me that it's written by an observer who didn't quite get into the fantasy. Almost as if you were imagining someone else's fantasy.

I never quite got into the whole concept of what she was doing and had to go through some of the story twice in order to figure out which parts were real (the breakup and the bath) and which parts were not (the grocery store). There's a little too much jumping around without the clear divisions of tense and time that would delineate them.

And sounds are sounds. I wish people would quit trying to make them into words. They just don't sound the same.

And now it's time to go back to work.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

"Who's afraid of Jocund Day?"

Ms "unregistered," perhaps?

JD, for all her talent and skill, is human and has her writerly slips, as in the passage, quoted by 'unregistered' which has the character finding a dildo fits 'discretely.'

"Unregistered" for her part seems in an anatomical stew when she describes labia covered with hair as 'gross.' If "unregistered" were a man, long away from society and companionship, that would explain the lapse. In case a simple look downward does not suffice to settle the matter, I quote _Gray's Anatomy_, 15th edition:

"The labia majora are two prominent longitudinal cutaneous folds...Each labium has two surfaces, an outer, which is pigmented and covered with strong. crisp hairs, and an inner, which is smooth...." (p. 1009 [repr. Chancellor Press, 1985])

There is no reason for anyone to fear anyone around here, and I hope 'unregistered' identifies herself and sticks around.

Jack
'abashed-dreamer'

 

[Guest]

Interesting that AD Jake assumes I'm a woman...

I am 'unregistered' because my critique of JD's piece was the the first time I've posted, and I see no reason to register unless or until I have a story to post. The title was just a silly allusion that seemed mildly apropos, considering the fact that JD, as she herself says, gives no quarter in her reviews, and asks for none in return.

I read the other stories on the thread, and found Tiger's Eye to be an exceptional piece of writing (far above much of what is on this site), and was amazed at the degree to which JD subjected it to the most minute scrutiny. When I got to reading her story, I was looking forward to seeing all of the advice she had given to others in action. Perhaps the level of her criticism had set too high a standard and I expected too much. Nevertheless, the impression I got was that Ms. Day wanted and welcomed HONEST responses. If I came across the story through the main page, I would have back clicked by the end of paragraph one.

I really think Ms. Day would be well served to print out the advice she gave to the author of Tiger's Eye and apply it to her own piece. For example, I remember her saying that the first sentence has to be polished, that it's a promise; and I recall her quoting a Hemingway opening that starts out in the middle of action, or after action...

After reading and responding to 'I Met An Old Lover...' I went back and re-read Tiger's Eye, and was again surprised and delighted by the freshness of the imagery, the lean, tight prose, and the deft handling of the action. I would even go so far as to defend the use of the 'small boat rocking on a salty sea' and 'axe-handle shoulder' imagery. So what if it's colloqial--it is colerful and fresh and original. A large part of what makes Hemingway, Dostoyevky, Faulkner, Twain so delightful to read is just such freshness of language. But it has to be CONTROLLED, and used in service of the story.

At any rate, JD's strengths are obvious and apparent, and have been pointed out; my task is
to provide input on the areas that could use some work. I would be willing to wager that JD is big enough to live by the standard she has for herself and others.

As for 'hairy lips,' while it may not be anotomically inacurate, it is certainly not an erotic image...

Dave

 

[Guest]

and furthermore...

'The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug' --Mark Twain

The real issue with the piece is that it is static, that it does not move or flow...mere 'writerly slips' are incidental.

Dave

 

[Maquinna]

Thought I'd better get my two cents worth in here, if for no other reason than to assure people that "Unregistered Dave" is not one of my alter-egos. I've checked with my therapist just to make sure.

First - Dave, whoever you are - thanks for the kind comments about my story. Would love to talk with you sometime. Send me a note if you get a chance.

Now, to JD's story, which I believe is a fine story in many respects. I like the concept, and many of your images are outstanding. Some of your descriptions are truly marvellous.

A couple of problems, in my opinion:

The epigraph seems to be more of a navel-gazing device - your flag in the sand, as it were. It has nothing to do with the story, which an epigraph should do.

The transitions from reality to fantasy did not always work for me. This might have been improved through better formatting (I know when I pressed that send button on my first story, I sure wondered what was going to come out of the PlayDough Barber Shop on the other end). At the very least, it may have made it less confusing. Beyond formatting, though, the language sometimes gets a little convoluted. This example particularly stood out:

"The kiss lingers, and it is so sweet, so missed, so good, that she is conscious only of his probing tongue and a familiar sensation of falling.

She almost came, right then, as his tongue grazed the tip of hers in that florescent hallway, her middle finger brushing slowly, deliberately over her pulsing clit below the scented surface of the water."

You've used changing tenses to help the reader determine where reality changes to fantasy and back, but in this transition, they get rather mixed up. I was confused.

Her position and ease of movement in the tub also confused me. At one point she has her heels together in the tub, knees spread. Elsewhere, she is able to have her face near the bottom of the tub. I haven't been able to accomplish either position in a standard sized tub since about second grade. Either this is one very large tub, or she is pretty small. It simply struck me as improbable.

You've got this woman in a funk over the end of two separate relationships. Early on you set out that she is preoccupied with her divorce, enough so that she tries to banish the thought from her mind. Next, she's dealing with the sadness of having lost her lover too. One doesn't seem to have anything to do with the other, so I think it just gets bulky and cumbersome.

I agree with the comment that this needs to be combed through. I think there's a gem of a story in here, that just wants further polishing. When the structure has the reader bouncing back and forth, don't further weigh it down. Tighten it up some more.

Look forward to seeing what you do next!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

JD,

Nice try, but no cigar. You're already a fine writer and have the potential to become a very good or maybe even a great one. But reaching that level is going to take work.

There were two areas that really killed the story for this decrepit, male, baby boomer and unpublished fiction writer.

Most of the scene/time shifts were, for me at least, annoying and confusing, not intriguing.

By the time the sex scene arrived, I was skimming the text. This heresy was my response to having already plowed through so many sentences beginning with "He" or "She".

You seem to know where you want to go with your writing and, judging from some of the passages in this piece, may have the ability to get there. Good luck. RF