Mesmerized

[tempsbrat]

Her beauty was rapturous and
body divine as I saw her approaching
beaconing and calling my name.

With eyes of deepest blue, I
dove and swam in them, feeling
surrounded held and known--
NO uncovered and naked I felt
her capturing my soul.

Hair of brown and reddish hue,
long and flowing, rich and needing
my touch-- I reached.

Lips honey sweet, I tasted
lost myself, "is this a dream?"
She pulled me closer, her desire
I knew, my body responded
nothing mattered!

Her smile said more, but I
could not tell from what depth
and knowing it came...
"What is happening to me?"

Flash of light, terror flooded me
shocked and still... remembering
remembering lifes pictures etched
in my mind and soul.

My lover, my children, my family
the smell of a rose, the beauty of
my newborns eyes, summer skies
and moments entwinded together.

I looked again at Her beauty for
Death held me mesmerized...

©1-30-2005 Melswebs.com

 

[BooMerengue]

Her beauty was rapturous and
body divine as I saw her approaching
beaconing and calling my name.

With eyes of deepest blue, I
dove and swam in them, feeling
surrounded held and known--
NO uncovered and naked I felt
her capturing my soul.

Hair of brown and reddish hue,
long and flowing, rich and needing
my touch-- I reached.

Lips honey sweet, I tasted
lost myself, "is this a dream?"
She pulled me closer, her desire
I knew, my body responded
nothing mattered!

Her smile said more, but I
could not tell from what depth
and knowing it came...
"What is happening to me?"

Flash of light, terror flooded me
shocked and still... remembering
remembering lifes pictures etched
in my mind and soul.

My lover, my children, my family
the smell of a rose, the beauty of
my newborns eyes, summer skies
and moments entwinded together.

I looked again at Her beauty for
Death held me mesmerized...

©1-30-2005 Melswebs.com

Do you want constructive comment or do you just want to post your poem?

 

[tempsbrat]

I am always open to constructive comments.

Thanks

 

[flyguy69]

I'm not sure what this poem is about. The narrator met Death, and Death turns out to be a beautiful woman that flashes like a beacon? Is the seduction the act of dying? Is the narrator glad to be dying? But also shocked and terrified by memories? There are too many odd and stilted phrases for me to get much from this poem.

I think simplifying the story would help, but also look at your word choice and phrasing. For example, "beauty" isn't "rapturous"-- beauty makes an observer rapturous. Using the verb form of "beacon" for a person (or personified thing) feels awkward to me.

I don't know how you talk in everyday life, but poetry is generally better if you write like that.

Her beauty was rapturous and
body divine as I saw her approaching
beaconing and calling my name.

With eyes of deepest blue, I
dove and swam in them, feeling
surrounded held and known--
NO uncovered and naked I felt
her capturing my soul.

Hair of brown and reddish hue,
long and flowing, rich and needing
my touch-- I reached.

Lips honey sweet, I tasted
lost myself, "is this a dream?"
She pulled me closer, her desire
I knew, my body responded
nothing mattered!

Her smile said more, but I
could not tell from what depth
and knowing it came...
"What is happening to me?"

Flash of light, terror flooded me
shocked and still... remembering
remembering lifes pictures etched
in my mind and soul.

My lover, my children, my family
the smell of a rose, the beauty of
my newborns eyes, summer skies
and moments entwinded together.

I looked again at Her beauty for
Death held me mesmerized...

©1-30-2005 Melswebs.com

 

[tempsbrat]

I'm sorry you didn't get it. It is the moment of death, and that is comes as a seducer and the victim drawn immensely has flashbacks, but cannot escape the seduction.