Mending a relationship

[LaRascasse]

I don't know if this is the right forum to ask advice of this kind, but a fresh POV never hurts. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

There is this girl, 4 years younger to me, who is more or less a stranger as far as I go. Why do I want to know her better? Because she is my sister.

I know what a horrible thing it is to call your own sister a stranger, but that is sadly the case. I spent 18 of my 22 years in the same house with her and our conversations never went deeper than whose turn it was to mow the lawn. I tried to be the older brother she sees as a friend, confidante and even the occasional pain in the rear, but we always ended up never having a meaningful conversation.

I guess the blame should go to my parents. While they never explicitly set us up to compete against each other for their affection, they always made it a point to highlight her failures by comparing them to me. That is not to say she is a failure. In fact, she is a diversely talented artist, musician, dancer, chef and so much more. You stack her cumulative talents against mine and it looks like the Empire State Building against bump in the road. The only worthwhile thing she does not excel in is studies, something I have always been good at.

The problem? My parents (as most traditional Indian parents go) always valued academics and education much more than they should have. My sister has shelves full of trophies, medals and certificates from State level/National level competitions and yet my parents saved their glowing tributes for my Physics grade. That was how it was growing up in my house. I felt bad for her, but never went out of my way to express it. After all, I was a kid and loved being the center of attention. Don't hold that against me.

This, I believe, is the root cause of our estranged relationship. Now I am 22, and have graduated with a good degree and have a great job in hand. My sister is 18 and ready to step out of school. We are adults, and I see no reason we should perpetuate this silent grudge any longer. I want to build this bridge and want to be a good brother, but I should be a good friend first.

How do I do it? I don't even know where to start.

 

[subwannabe]

Can you ask her out to dinner? If so I would pick a quiet place and just have a very sincere conversation with her about everything you just mentioned here. Seriously, women respond to mush and gush and feelings and emotions. I think she would be your best friend for life if you just sat her down and said everything you just said here. Open your soul to her and reach out. You won't regret it.

 

[LaRascasse]

Can you ask her out to dinner? If so I would pick a quiet place and just have a very sincere conversation with her about everything you just mentioned here. Seriously, women respond to mush and gush and feelings and emotions. I think she would be your best friend for life if you just sat her down and said everything you just said here. Open your soul to her and reach out. You won't regret it.

I don't know. It doesn't feel right throwing my parents under a bus. I do love them in all other respects, so how can I vilify them to my sister?

 

[alwayswantedto]

<deleted>

 

[suckonsimon]

LaRascasse, thank you for such a fine post.

I write as a brother among four siblings, and we are now in our middle age. We grew up emotionally distant from one another, living different lives with our respective friends, for reasons to do with our parents, though quite different from what you two have experienced. So, that's where I'm coming from.

Let me tell you, young man, the day will come when you have a deep and loving relationship with your sister, and she will admire you and look to you for all kinds of support, and you to her, and you will have fun.

I say this with that much confidence because you have revealed yourself as a deeply genuine person full of empathy and desire to see others you care about really flourish. I can well imagine a girl through her teenage years coming to resent that. But in her adulthood it will be so different.

Give it time, my friend. If she has a need to be harsh with you or undermine you, take it calmly and with love for her, as she 'wrestles' with the things which have hurt her. You will be a 'safe' target for her. And then she will come to value you immensely as her big brother who believes in her.

Si.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

It sounds to me like your relationship is not broken, it just isn't as warm and fuzzy as you would like it to be. This is a much easier situation to fix than if there was a real fracture between the two of you.

You have plenty of time to make this work. Don't pressure her, but make sure she knows you are there and you care for her. Take her to dinner--at least once a week.

For starters, just spend some time with her. Let her tell you about herself. Show interest in her interests. Make her the focus of the time you spend with her. Most important, don't get hung up on being a big brother. Just be a brother. Don't smother her with unsolicited advice and don't judge her decisions. She's 18, she's going to do things that infuriate you and that you don't understand. As long as she is not putting herself in danger, don't interfere.

 

[LadyVer]

Maybe letting her know you want to be friends is enough for now, but your relationship with your sibling shouldn't be defined by your parents or interfered with by them. I was older than most of my siblings, and although close to them when younger, it was only in adulthood that we became estranged, much of it due to parental influence. One of the worse things a parent can do to their adult children is use them as a therapist to complain about the other siblings. The results are devestating, especially when the parent lies, and the other siblings have been led to believe they're too good to be talked about by the parent to the others.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

consider

The two of you have been abused. There is no other way to say it. It is also true, so that you don't throw your parents under the bus, that they did the very best they could given the tools they had available to them.
My advice is that those who've been abused will benefit from counseling and that is what I'd recommend. Ask you sister to visit a counselor with you. If not, think about an abject apology and ask how you can help her.

 

[subwannabe]

I don't remember from your first post feeling like your parents were the scum of the earth. No parent is perfect. Maybe yours aren't up for parents of year but I think you could tell your sister how you feel without throwing your parents under the bus.

 

[Cycliste]

I have had issues that I needed to work through with my siblings so I know it can be very delicate. I also agree taking her out to dinner is a good start. Maybe at dinner you don't bring up your childhood at all. Just begin by asking her what she has going on in her life as someone mentioned already. Once a week is also good advice. It takes time and energy to build a relationship.

If she wants to know why all of a sudden you want to start having dinner with her, you don't have to give many details to start with. You can keep it brief. Eventually, your relationship will grow stronger. One day, one of you will brooch the subject again. That may be the time to go into further detail. You believe you will know which way to go at the first dinner. Just see where it leads. Good luck!

 

[GrrlFriday]

It doesn't have to be dinner - just catching up with her on a regular basis and showing an interest in what's going on in her life would be a start. Would she believe you if you were enthusiastic about any of her talents, or if you asked for her advice on anything?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I don't know. It doesn't feel right throwing my parents under a bus. I do love them in all other respects, so how can I vilify them to my sister?

I don't think you need to throw them under a bus. Maybe something along the lines of: "I wish I'd said this earlier, but I've always been really proud of your achievements and I wanted to say that now. I want to keep in touch more." You don't explicitly need to say "Mum and dad didn't value you enough" (except maybe if she raises that subject), just make it clear that you do.

Kids tend to absorb a lot of their parents' values, even when they don't get along. After 18 years it's quite possible that she doesn't feel her achievements are worth anything, and low self-esteem is a hell of a thing to carry into your adult years. It can mean a lot to get validation from somebody else.

And it mightn't be a bad thing for her relationship with your parents, either. Sometimes it's easier to get past resentment when you have somebody else validating your side of things - once those hurts are acknowledged there's a bit of space to think about the good parts.

 

[suckonsimon]

I don't know. It doesn't feel right throwing my parents under a bus. I do love them in all other respects, so how can I vilify them to my sister?

LaRacasse, I've been thinking about this response of yours, which seems surprising to me. Perhaps you do not yet realize that you are mature enough to speak of your parents with a degree of criticism and yet remain entirely respectful of them. I wonder if part of the 'distance' between your sister and yourself is that she needs you to acknowledge to her that you realize things have not been fair in the important respect you have outlined to us. If you do that for her, she will be able to feel you are 'on her side'. There is little danger here because you so obviously do love and respect your parents. They haven't been perfect; nor have I as a dad, nor will you be, so it's OK to acknowledge that as an important part of moving forward into a sibling relationship which is independent of your parental ties.

Si.

 

[LaRascasse]

I've thought over all the advice so far. While I agree in principle to having a "talk", my gut tells me it will end badly. One thing about my sister I forgot to mention is her famous temper. If she thinks I am being even remotely patronizing, she will yell and our relationship will be worse off than it is right now.

Is there any way to have this heart-to-heart talk without me coming off as patronizing?

As for the other point, I'll make it a point to find out how things are in her life once in a while. I'll see if I can persuade her to brunch with me tomorrow.

Thanks for all the mature advice so far. I realize that a problem 18 years in the making cannot be solved overnight and that's fine. I'm willing to take the time and work things out. As they say, the first step to solving a problem is admitting it exists. I wish I had done so sooner.

 

[wicked woman]

Slowly start providing her the attention and pride in her accomplishments and being that your parents didn't. But from a place of sincere appreciation, similar to the sentiment that you expressed above.

 

[subwannabe]

Maybe you can find some things in her life that you can tell her you find envious.

 

[LadyVer]

I've thought over all the advice so far. While I agree in principle to having a "talk", my gut tells me it will end badly. One thing about my sister I forgot to mention is her famous temper. If she thinks I am being even remotely patronizing, she will yell and our relationship will be worse off than it is right now.

Is there any way to have this heart-to-heart talk without me coming off as patronizing?

As for the other point, I'll make it a point to find out how things are in her life once in a while. I'll see if I can persuade her to brunch with me tomorrow.

Thanks for all the mature advice so far. I realize that a problem 18 years in the making cannot be solved overnight and that's fine. I'm willing to take the time and work things out. As they say, the first step to solving a problem is admitting it exists. I wish I had done so sooner.

It may be a good idea not to have a talk. Just spend some time together, getting to know one another.

 

[njlauren]

Having tensions with my own siblings I know how it is.What you have to realize is your parents are not perfect, no parents are, speaking as one myself, I can guarantee it. Whatever your parents did or didn't do, you can have a relationship with your sister without trashing them. Part of it will be spending time together, simply sharing things. Speaking as a younger sibling, the most important thing is what you shouldn't do, don't tell her what to do, don't tell her 'of course you should do X', or worse, if your parents are telling her what she should do, support her in making her own decisions. I understand that in many cultures parents often are given the power to make decisions, but respect her decisions and support her. It is okay to give your opinion if asked, or suggest things, but it is her right to make her own decisions.

That support will be huge, believe me. It isn't about trashing your parents, it is in supporting her, especially if she is trying to make her own way and your parents are pressuring her. That support will go a long way, it will tell her you respect her enough to support her. It may cause some friction with your parents, but that may be the price of gaining her trust. Take it from me, your parents may at times get angry, they may be upset, but they are your parents and they love both of you, you'll live if they get angry you support her.

 

[LaRascasse]

Would it help if I had a talk of sorts with my parents? What should I tell them?

 

[suckonsimon]

Would it help if I had a talk of sorts with my parents? What should I tell them?

LaRa, my answer would be no. It seems to me that your sister needs to see that your approaches to her to build a real relationship are 'independent'. If she got even the slightest whiff that this is "mum, dad, and my big brother" conspiring to "sort me out" or something, then you'd be in a worse situation that is now. This is you and her as independent adults, and indeed it is part of what we call in the UK "cutting the apron strings" for you and for her. I realise, as other have said, that this process applies very differently in different cultures and I don't know yours. I can only speak from my own.

Back to the hints I have given of my own family situation: in due course it was first my father and much later my mother who wished to speak to us about what had been amiss in our family life years [in my mother's case, decades] before. Because it was the parents who raised the issues, we were able to respond, help them move on, and move on ourselves. Looking back, I think in my case it would have all gone badly wrong if I had raised the issues with them.

Again, I wish you well, and I wish you hopeful patience for this may well be a long road for you.

Si.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Would it help if I had a talk of sorts with my parents? What should I tell them?

Always hard to judge without knowing the people involved, but I wouldn't bring them into this. Concentrate on your relationship with your sister. You don't need to manage her relationship with her parents (at least, not unless she asks you to do so) and trying to do so might make things worse.

 

[LaRascasse]

So I had brunch with her at a nice family owned place down the street. I didn't even broach the idea that I wanted to be closer to her or that I was making a conscious effort to fix our relationship.

Instead, I offered to make her a website for her arts and other talents. I will create the site ground up, host it and maintain it. She will be part of the process, giving her input into how she wants the layout and general look. When ready, it will be a place for her to showcase herself. She agreed.

My thinking is that a project like this will be a good way for me to explore and appreciate her talents without seeming needlessly curious. A bonding project if you will. Fingers crossed.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

So I had brunch with her at a nice family owned place down the street. I didn't even broach the idea that I wanted to be closer to her or that I was making a conscious effort to fix our relationship.

Instead, I offered to make her a website for her arts and other talents. I will create the site ground up, host it and maintain it. She will be part of the process, giving her input into how she wants the layout and general look. When ready, it will be a place for her to showcase herself. She agreed.

My thinking is that a project like this will be a good way for me to explore and appreciate her talents without seeming needlessly curious. A bonding project if you will. Fingers crossed.

Excellent approach. Just keep it low key and let the bonding develop over time. Just being there is the best thing you can do.

 

[suckonsimon]

So I had brunch with her at a nice family owned place down the street. I didn't even broach the idea that I wanted to be closer to her or that I was making a conscious effort to fix our relationship.

Instead, I offered to make her a website for her arts and other talents. I A bonding project if you will. Fingers crossed.

LaRa, you're a star !! Si

 

[Bramblethorn]

So I had brunch with her at a nice family owned place down the street. I didn't even broach the idea that I wanted to be closer to her or that I was making a conscious effort to fix our relationship.

Instead, I offered to make her a website for her arts and other talents. I will create the site ground up, host it and maintain it. She will be part of the process, giving her input into how she wants the layout and general look. When ready, it will be a place for her to showcase herself. She agreed.

My thinking is that a project like this will be a good way for me to explore and appreciate her talents without seeming needlessly curious. A bonding project if you will. Fingers crossed.

Very good idea. Good luck with it!