Memories (closed for allonblack and nova4u)

[nova4u]

Something within her stirred. She felt her both her heart and head pounding, and inhaled sharply as she tried to move. Pain. Everywhere. What was going on? She sensed a gentle, roughly textured hand slip into her right hand, and a voice telling her “Shhhh”. Slowly she opened her eyes, grimacing at the small light on the table across the dimly lit room. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she looked at her surroundings. She was lying in a semi-upright in a bed, with curtains drawn half-way along one side. A long counter, a sink, shiny metal equipment and a large machine with long, thin tubes and flashing lights. A hospital? She tried to re-focus her eyes and search the room again. The hand…she had almost forgotten. Glancing down, she saw the hand that held hers, and followed the line of his arm to his face. It was too dim to discern his exact features, but even in that light she could tell he was handsome. Although he had a strangely familiar look about him, she was sure she had never seen him before. But then, why was he holding her hand that way, so tenderly? She tried to move her other hand up to push a few stray hairs out of her face. Once more pain flashed like fire through her chest, back, left arm and leg, causing her to stop immediately. She gasped, then caught her breath and peered at the stranger’s face again.

“Do I know you?” She asked.

 

[allonblack]

I sat in a chair by Ellen's bedside flipping through channels. I found it ironic they put televisions in coma patients rooms, but I knew they were for the family members.

The nurse came in to check the IV and monitors. "Hi Jackie" I said. Over the past few weeks I had gotten to know all the nurses and doctors of all shifts on a first name basis. Sometimes I would stay all night but recently a woman in the same wing as Ellen had the plug pulled on her. So it worked pretty hard on my nerves to see families holding out hope and giving up. Ellen's family seemed to be in denial and placed some of the blame on me. "It was a car accident " I had repeated to them numerous times, placing extra emphasis on the word "accident." But nevertheless their blame soon turned to guilt inside.

Jackie left the room and I finally settled on a baseball game. I heard a soft groan from the bed. It was common, sometimes sounds would escape her during the night. The doctors told me it was a reflex, like someone talking in their sleep. She was still conscious but at a different level than the rest of us are. They told me to talk to her and keep her updated with what was going on in my life. I think mostly that was just to comfort me but nevertheless I read her the newspaper, books, emails from her friends and family far away before they found out about the accident. Emails my friends had sent me to send their condolensces.

She let out another groan, this one sounded painful. I squeezed her hand and said "Shh, not now sweetie, Sosa's batting, you can have your nightmares later, ok?" Another groan came from her. This was unusual, usually after one she would calm down. Her body began to twitch, her toes curling and flexing, her facial muscles spasming. I grabbed the nurse call button and began clicking it rapidly.

I heard the echoes in the hallway "Code Blue, Code Blue Room 1123". I swallowed hard hoping this wasn't a seizure, hoping I wasn't going to lose her for good. The spasms increased until finally her eyes opened.

I held her hand tighter, a tear streaming down my face, partly because of fear, partly because of relief. Her mouth tried to move. "Shh" I said, combing the hair back from her forehead. "Don't try to speak yet, here have some water." She sipped it cautiously, fear in her eyes. "Don't try to sit up yet, you're not ready for that, let's wait for the nurse, ok?"

Emotions in motion swirled inside of me, I didn't want to shock her system too much, a part of me was angry at her, for robbing so much time from me and for scaring me so badly. But the majority of me was glad to have her back in any form. "Good morning sleepyhead" I said trying to hide my tears.
Her eyes searched the room desperately for any sign of familiarity. "Do I know you?" she asked.

I loosened my grip on her hand and said "Yes, you knew me very well. We were engaged, you were in a car accident, your name is Ellen, my name is Joe, you're in a hospital, you've been in a coma for 5 weeks." I paused trying to remember what the doctor had told me to say to her if she ever did wake up. Finally I remembered he said just tell her who you are, who she is, where she is, why she is here, and let her absorb that, anything else might be a shock to her system.

 

[nova4u]

"Yes, you knew me very well. We were engaged, you were in a car accident, your name is Ellen, my name is Joe, you're in a hospital, you've been in a coma for 5 weeks."

No. This can’t be right. Joe? Though it was common, I’d never met someone with that name. Even the name “Ellen” seemed unfamiliar to me. And I certainly think I’d remember if I’d been engaged. Where was I? Who am I? My mind whirled around with jumbled thoughts of confusion, dizzying my head. Taking a deep breath through the pain, I tried to steady myself. Looking at him once more, I saw what looked like fear in his eyes. A single tear glistening on his cheek. Obviously he knew me or he wouldn’t be so full of emotion.

“I…I don’t understand,” I said weakly. Before he could respond, the door burst open and several doctors and nurses ran in, shining bright lights in my eyes and checking readings on the machines.

 

[allonblack]

The room filled with beeping machinery. Alarms went off. Nurse's tennis shoes squeaked on the tile floor. In a wave of white and blue the medical staff rushed in, the doctors and nurses began poking and probing Ellen with mass confusion. Finally I saw enough. "Ok!" I said "Everyone out, she's awake, she's breathing, just let her soak this in."

"Ellen, do you remember anything?" I asked in a comforting tone. She squinted in deep concentration. "It's ok honey, take your time." "I'm sure you'd like to get up and stretch your legs, there's a wheelchair in the corner if you want it." "Here put your arms around my shoulders and I'll lift you out of bed and steady you. You can lean on the windowsill and look out, but there's not much to see, it's night now."

We made our way to the window and I opened the curtains. Her eyes gazed at the city skyline as if seeing it for the first time. Her legs were wobbly as I put my hand on her back to support her. "Do you think if I ran home and got some pictures of us together, places we went, the car we were in, things like that, do you think they'd jog your memory? I know this is a shock to wake up like this, I can only imagine what you're feeling now. But just know I'm here to help."

 

[nova4u]

Panic started to set in my mind when the alarms went off. I tried unsuccessfully to push away the flurry of hands upon me, checking the IV, my reflexes, looking at wounds. My breathing quickened, and my eyes widened, welling with tears.

A few more seconds went by, and Joe suddenly stood up. "Ok!" He said firmly. "Everyone out, she's awake, she's breathing, just let her soak this in." Alarms stopped, hands released me, and the room came to a halt almost as quickly as it had started. The staff quietly looked around at each other, and one of the doctors opened the door, motioning for everyone to leave. “I’ll be back in a while to discuss things with you.” He said quietly, closing the door behind him.

Joe asked me if I remembered anything, but my mind was a blank. I ignored his question, hoping he wouldn’t notice; after all, I still had no idea who this man was. He helped me out of bed and slowly led me to the window. Though I was able to move them, my legs were so limp I was thankful his arms were so strong and gentle. He took care to support me on the right, avoiding my painful wounds. Joe opened the curtains, revealing a beautiful clear night sky. I gazed down, and saw we were in the middle of what looked like a small city. Lights from cars and buildings twinkled here and there, stretching out several miles from the hospital. Yet none of this was familiar either.

My weak body wavered, and I felt my legs start to give beneath me. Joe quickly put his hand on my back to support me. “AAAAAHH,” I said wincing at the painful area he touched, “IT HURTS”! He grabbed the nearby wheelchair and eased me down into it, then moved over to the bed and pushed the button to call the nurse. This time only one person came in, and the two of them helped me slowly back into bed. “Time for your medicine again, huh?” she said, taking out a syringe full of yellow liquid and injecting it into my IV. “The doctor will be in shortly”, she said, turning to Joe, “Just page me if you need anything else”.

The medicine started working quickly, and I could feel much of the pain easing away. Full of concern, Joe reached out to caress my face, and I quickly pulled back. He hesitated, eyes now filled with worry. "Do you think if I ran home and got some pictures of us together, places we went, the car we were in, things like that, do you think they'd jog your memory? I know this is a shock to wake up like this, I can only imagine what you're feeling now. But just know I'm here to help."

I didn’t know what to say. Together? How could that be? My mind still swam with confusion, but as I looked at him my body began to feel heavy, and my eyes slowly started to close. It must be the medicine. No, I can’t do this! What if I don’t wake up?! My efforts to fight it off were futile, and once again I drifted off to sleep…

 

[allonblack]

I helped her back to bed. She was starting to nod off because of the medication. "Ellen, I've waited awhile for you to wake up, I know you're exhausted but I'll go home and get some pictures and be back later tonight. Whenever you're ready we can look at them."

"I'll let you sleep, but here look," I said grabbing her arm and holding mine beside it. "See this?" I said. "Our scars are identical. During the wreck a piece of glass scraped your arm and I reached inside the wreckage to pull you out and cut myself on the same piece of glass. I don't know what's going on in your mind and I'm sure a traumatic event isn't the first thing you want to remember but I just wanted to prove to you that I know you and I'm not just a stranger."

I watched her sleep. I had watched it many times in our bedroom and while she was in the coma but tonight was different. It was the first sleep I knew she would wake from in over a month.
I thumbed through the photographs, sighing periodically. I kept her personal items from that night. Her clothes were cut by the paramedics. The doctors had to cut off her engagement ring as well in case the medication would happen to cause her to swell and the ring accidentally cut off the circulation.

I came upon a picture of her and I standing in front of the car smiling. I crumbled it up and threw it in the garbage. I didn't need to be reminded of a happier time and I'm sure she didn't want to see the car that almost killed her.

 

[nova4u]

After a long, deep sleep, I awoke to see daylight shining in from the window. I was alone. It was quiet, and I struggled to remember what had happened the night before. A man… what was his name? …Joe, that’s right. I vaguely remembered his face, but still couldn’t place him. Scars…something about scars. I looked down and saw my arm, portions still covered with bandages and gauze. The larger areas were covered in bright red, fresh scars still trying to heal. It looked like my skin had been pieced together stitch by stitch. One scar in particular stood out to me; he had shown me a similar one on his arm. I flexed my hand and felt each and every mark on my arm surge with fire, but the pain was not as bad as I remembered it from the night before. I remembered that whole side of my body hurting, and I wondered if the rest of me was in the same condition as my arm.

At the table next to the bed lay a stack of pictures. I reached for them and stared hard at the faces in each one. I did recognize Joe in most of the pictures, and in many of them a woman was with him. The love between them was obvious, and in some of the pictures they were holding onto one another, kissing tenderly.

Movement drew my eyes to the small window in the door, and I could see Joe talking with a doctor out in the hall. He seemed very concerned, and kept looking over at me. The doctor left, shaking Joe’s hand, and Joe turned and walked towards the door.

 

[allonblack]

I couldn't sleep at all during the night watching Ellen. In my mind I rehearsed what to say to her. I had boxes of pictures but some were too painful to look at.

I sat the box aside and turned on the television. I came upon a movie with car chases and quickly turned away. I had been scared to drive since the accident and had walked everywhere I needed to go.

Most nights Ellen would make soft noises in her sleep, mostly "oohs" and "ahhs." Sometimes the sounds sounded painful but I wouldn't shake her, it was no use, she may never wake up. But my hope had granted me a second chance with her. Sometimes I would think an "oh" sounded like her saying "Joe", her crying out to me, trapped in a dream that I couldn't rescue her from. But that was all going to change now.

A doctor that I hadn't seen before asked to speak to me outside of the room. I sat the pictures on the table next to Ellen's bed.

He introduced himself as the head neurosurgeon at the hospital. He explained to me Ellen would be weak but her brain activity had stayed level throughout her coma. It was a miracle he said. The brainscans revealed that she was still thinking and performing motor functions such as flexling her fingers. "So, what does all this mean?" I asked him. "Well," he began, "according to this chart, she might be able to salvage some long term memory and partial short memory. Her long term memories will just need to be unlocked. She will suffer from some amnesia but with any luck the memories will unlock themselves in time. As far as short term memory she may forget appointments or to call someone back but in my expert opinion the extent of the damage may not be anything that a post-it can't fix."

"Thank you doctor, that's wonderful news." I said shaking his hand. Was it really wonderful news? I was glad to know her memory may return but it would ruin my hope for a second chance. We were on the verge of a breakup. Many people thought I crashed on purpose out of jealous. Sort of a "if I can't have you, nobody will" type of mentality. But that wasn't true, I loved Ellen and wanted her to be happy, even if that meant I wouldn't be in the picture. I hoped deep down she would only remember the good times, let me remember the bad and deal with the pain. Secretly I began to hatch out a plan to only remind her of the good if she remembered the bad I could tell her it didn't happen to us, she must've saw it in a movie or dreamt it.

I walked back into the room and saw Ellen thumbing through the pictures. She was studying them intently. "Ellen, I've got some good news. The doctor said there's a good chance you'll make a recovery. There will be some more tests and medicine but with any luck you can get out of here and go home in a few days. You let me if the doctors and nurses are bothering you too much, ok?" I said sitting on the edge of her bed, squeezing her hand.

"I'm sure you must be hungry, would you like me to get you anything? I'm sure they have ice cream, cookies, soda,..." I trailed off, wondering if she remembered what different foods were called.

She didn't seem to hear me, she was staring intently at a picture of her hand. It was a close up shot of the engagement ring, her friend Shelly had taken it at the engagement dinner. I always liked that picture it made the diamond look bigger than it actually was and the flashbulb had caused the diamond to be illumnated and sparkle from many angles. The glow surrounding her hand was angelic. That hand that I had held so many times, during good and bad times, during the past five weeks.

 

[nova4u]

"I'm sure you must be hungry, would you like me to get you anything? I'm sure they have ice cream, cookies, soda,..."

“…Hmmm?… Oh…yes, I am hungry. Ice cream would be nice; maybe some water too. And I would like to go home… but I can’t seem to remember where home is.”, I said still staring at the pictures. I held up one with a close-up of a diamond ring, “It’s beautiful. Is it hers? I mean, the woman in the pictures with you? Who is she?”

 

[allonblack]

"Sure, I'll get you some ice cream. I'll get vanilla and crush up some Oreos in it just like you li-" I caught myself, "Uh, I mean just like you used to like, well, uh take my word for it, it's delicious and you'll like it." I said smiling.

She was still holding the picture of her hand wearing the ring. "You can't go home yet, they said in a few days maybe, but with any luck tomorrow you can be released. There's really not much more for them to do. I mean everything still works internally so you'll just have to do some exercises to build your strength back up, but that's just physical therapy twice a day for 30 minutes. No use of spending 23 hours in the hospital for no reason. Or they can give us the bars and weights and you can work out at home. I'll help you of course, I could stand to lose a few pounds myself." I said patting my stomach.

"And well Ellen, about your home..." I didn't know how to break it to her that she didn't have one anymore since the landlord assumed she would die and destroyed the lease. "Well, your apartment was leased to someone else, but don't worry I got all of your things and they're in my garage and basement. The doctors said when you're released you can stay with me. I know this may be a lot to handle now but I didn't know when else to tell you. Now that you're awake we can work on getting your lease back but since you might have short term memory loss it's probably best you stay with me. I mean if you want to cook or something you might forget you set the oven timer and things like that."

I could see her half-listening to me, maybe that was better so the shock wouldn't be too much. I could tell she heard the important words such as "lease" and "stay with me."

She sat on the bed hypnotised by the photo of herself. I grabbed her hand and held it out so it was about to scale with the hand in the photo. Her mouth opened slightly as she compared the lines on the knuckles, the veins, every contour line. She took her other hand and began stroking her naked finger, once encircled by the ring. Her eyes showed disbelief as she shook her head. "Yes, honey, that picture was you, that was your ring, but now it's scrap metal, the doctors cut it off. I'll be right back I'm going to get the ice cream and cookies."

As I walked down the hallway I began thinking about the significance of a ring. It was just a piece of metal, round to signify unbreakable love. But the ring was just a thing, a symbol, it didn't define what our relationship was. It was simply a reminder to the outside world that Ellen was promised to a man. In some ways I was glad the doctors had cut it. I was glad to see it destroyed because I knew Ellen was on the verge of giving it back to me, so I would rather have her ring in pieces than my heart in pieces when I held her ring.

I got the ice cream from the cafeteria and cookies from the vending machine. I walked back to her room, crumbling the cookies on top of the soft serve as I walked. I noticed a few crumbs were still rounded and not jagged like their counterparts. I pushed two of the rounded pieces together to form a heart. I smiled at my edible art work, hoping Ellen would notice. I entered the room and took the photo from her hand replacing it with the cup of ice cream.

 

[nova4u]

The more Joe spoke to me the more it seemed he knew about me. It felt weird learning about my life from a total stranger; but he wasn’t, was he? I wanted out of here. He explained my home situation, and that I would be staying with him for a while. Could I trust him? Something told me I could, though I had only “known” him for a day. The more I tried to remember the less I found I could, so it seemed best to stay with someone, and at this point he was all I had.

Physical therapy didn’t sound too bad. I wasn’t sure of my condition though. I felt all I’d be able to do at this point were stretches (if that), and definitely not weights. I knew I’d need someone to help me with them. My mind wandered a bit and I began to imagine his hands on my legs, helping me to flex. I closed my eyes briefly and began to feel a slight warmth spreading though my body. Catching myself, I opened my eyes, glanced at him and blushed, hoping he didn’t notice.

When I asked about the ring, he took my left hand and held it next to the picture. I couldn’t believe it, but when I looked, I had to. It was definitely my hand in the picture, down to every contour. Joe left to get the ice cream, and while he was gone I thought long and hard about what all this meant. I needed to know more about what had happened to me, wondering why I was here and the extent of my injuries. Obviously there had been some surgery, but as long as the doctors felt comfortable discharging me from the hospital I was fine with it.

Soon the door opened. It was Joe returning with the ice cream. He took the picture from my hand and replaced it with the bowl, staring intently at me with a nervous smile. I looked down and saw he had taken some of the crushed cookies and formed a heart on top. I blushed again. “Tell me what happened to me. I need to know… and… can you get me a mirror?”

 

[allonblack]

Ellen gradually seemed to accept me. I tried to imagine myself in her position, waking up and being expected to accept everything I was told.

I was mentally going over what I would need at home for her physical therapy. I had quit my job to be at her bedside and received a nice severance package. I began pondering what to do with the money now that she was ok. A vacation wouldn't be much use for her for months. "Ellen, how about I buy a jacuzzi for you to soak in after a hard day's work. I recently received some money and it's been burning a hole in my pocket." She nodded, I wondered if she recognized the word "jacuzzi".

Ellen noticed the heart I made in the ice cream. I smiled watching her eat. I sighed silently, thinking "If only a broken heart was that easy to heal." She began eating around it and asked what happened and asked me to get her a mirror. I went to the closet in the corner of her room began digging in her purse. I kept her purse there hoping she'd wake up. I don't know if I expected her to ask for makeup or candy when she woke up but it comforted me sometimes to hold her purse.

I found a mirror and let her examine herself. Thanks the miracle of breakaway glass she didn't have too many scars. She examined herself like a child playing peekaboo in the bathroom mirror the first time they saw their reflection. I pondered how to describe the accident.

Her eyes looked at me with anxious innocence. Finally I began "We were coming home from a restaurant, I was driving. We got in an argument and when that would happen you would give me the silent treatment. I couldn't stand to know you were mad at me so I tried to touch you and make you talk to me. We were arguing about when we would get married amongst other things, but that's not important now." I said running my hand through her hair. "Anyways I leaned over to touch you and you pulled away, so I reached further to touch your shoulder, but I took my eyes off the road for a split second. The next thing I remember were headlights coming straight for us. I jerked the steering wheel hard and then we were airborne. The car landed on its roof. I was thrown free and knocked out. When I came too I saw you lying under the wreckage and I heard fluid running. I knew the fuel line had be severed. I crawled inside the twisted heap of metal and pulled you out. You woke up briefly on the ride to the hospital but the trauma was too much and you slipped into a coma."

My voice started to break "Sorry," I said wiping my nose with a tissue. "Anyways, that's the short version and five weeks later you shocked the doctors and woke up, but I always knew you would. You realize you'll be famous, all the medical journals and tv stations will want to interview you. But I'll handle them, I'll just tell them you're healthy and ready to get back a normal life."

 

[nova4u]

The ice cream was delicious and I saved the heart for last, knowing it would make him happy that I had noticed it. When he brought me the mirror, I couldn’t believe what I saw. I really was the woman in the pictures, and other than a gauze bandage above my left temple the damage to my face was minimal; just some minor scars that seemed to be healing quite nicely. My hair was a medium-brown shade, thick and flowing down to my mid-back. I had hazel eyes, deep green with flecks of gold and brown throughout.

I moved the mirror farther down, trying to examine the damage on my chest under the gown. I hesitated, looking at Joe. Realizing I needed some privacy, he turned his back to me. I pulled the hospital gown off of my shoulder, and saw large amounts of scarring near my collarbone, but I was thankful my breasts had escaped the scathing my arm bore. I slipped the gown up to my shoulder again, and asked Joe to help me tie the back. “Would you lift the sheet so I can see my legs?” I asked. He nodded, moved to the foot of the bed and slowly pulled the sheet up to my upper thigh. One leg was near perfect, while the other had large, red slash-marks and the faint remnants of major bruising covering most of it. Though I could not see it, I knew my back had taken the brunt of the crash. Joe explained all the doctors had told him about my injuries, from skin grafts, to head trauma, to my back being torn up so much it was a miracle in itself that I had not severed my spinal cord, let alone broken any bones. I was lucky that the car did not crush me. The whole hospital was amazed that I had woken up from the coma at all. With very little brain damage and still having most of my gross and fine motor skills in place, I was indeed a medical miracle.

As I listened to his recount of the crash, I studied his face. It certainly had looked like we were in love in the pictures; I couldn’t see myself fighting with someone I loved in a car like that. But who was I to say what I knew about myself? Maybe there was a reason for this…maybe we could start over…but I was getting way too far ahead of myself. Start what over? I didn’t even know what we had had. One step at a time… right now I just needed to know more about myself & Joe, and needed to concentrate on getting better. Joe began to get emotional, and I reached over and took his hand in mine. As he looked at me a wave of relief washed over his face, and he gently stroked his thumb over my hand. “I still don’t remember you Joe, but I’m glad you’re here. I feel better when you’re around.” He smiled, and bent down to kiss my hand tenderly.

The door opened, and it was one of the nurses. She explained that I would probably be going home soon, and she here to show Joe how to treat my remaining wounds after I was discharged. She showed him how to change the bandages on my forehead and arm, and then opened a large jar of ointment. The ointment was cool against my skin, and brought relief to the hot, raw scars. Joe took over, and once she was satisfied that he understood how to apply it she left him to finish. We looked at each other, not knowing if we were ready to have such close contact, but it had to be done. He moved to my back, slowly pulling the ties apart until my bare back was exposed. I could tell his hands were shaking as he dipped his finger into the jar and applied the ointment to the first scar, moving slowly but purposefully. Some were more tender than others, but his gentle hands helped ease some of the pain away. He came around to the other side of the bed to face me. Taking some more ointment from the jar, he traced the minor wounds on my neck. He moved up slightly, and his fingers trailed along my jaw line slowly. His face had that same look of love from the pictures, and he leaned closer to me...

 

[allonblack]

I watched intently as Ellen ate the ice cream. The doctors had warned us about solid foods but she devoured the ice cream, happy for her first meal in weeks.

She gazed curiously at herself in the mirror, tracing her scars with her fingertips. I kept her hair the way she liked it. Students from the local cosmetology school kept her hair and nails trimmed. She continued to explore the extent of damage, looking under her gown. I had seen her in surgery after the accident. Her bloody limbs anchored by milky white breasts, stomach, and thighs.
But this time I turned to give her privacy. I lifted the sheet and she looked at her legs, scared but giddy as her toes wiggled. One leg had been pinned but had healed pretty well.

I kept the room dark, knowing her eyes hadn't been opened in weeks. I took comfort in knowing I was the last thing she saw before her eyes closed. Yet the lamplight combined with the pain of remembering the crash had caused me to sweat. I dabbed my forehead and kissed her hand as she thanked me for helping her.

The nurse explained to me what I needed to do when Ellen was released. Basically it was just a rule of 3. 3 pills a day, 3 ointments a day, if she felt up to it 3 physical therapy sessions a day. I asked the nurse about the jacuzzi and she agreed it would be a good idea. She gave me a card of a physical therapy product retailer. I decided to call it when Ellen drifted back to sleep.

The nurse left the room and told me to finish applying the ointment to Ellen. As I rubbed her cool skin my mind flooded with memories. Memories of back massages, hugs after work, intimate moments. I hoped her mind was filled the same thing. Nervously I began to massage her back and shoulders with the cream. Though I had touched her flesh hundreds, probably thousands of times, this was different. I was a stranger to her now.

I lightly felt the scar tissue doing my best not to press too hard. I traced the scars until I was face to face with her. I rubbed her face, the skin softer than I ever felt it. I envied her, she had a 5 week vacation. I had 5 weeks of hell, I could tell that I had aged quite a bit in the past month from worry.

I couldn't resist anymore, I had waited 5 weeks for this. I leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. As I got closer her eyes widened and her lips parted slightly. I felt her warm breath escaping her mouth and nostrils. I had longed to feel her breath on my face and neck again. To know she was alive, truly alive not trapped in a dreamworld that I couldn't be in. I softly tugged on her bottom lip wanting to kiss her deeper but fighting my better judgement to not go deeper.

I pulled away and began to apologize. "I'm sorry Ellen, you're probably not ready for that. I just hadn't got to kiss you in so long. I kissed you while you were in the coma but you couldn't kiss back. I guess I was holding onto to some fairy tale notion that a kiss from your Prince Charming would wake you up."

Ellen didn't speak, she stared straight ahead, rarely blinking. I wondered if she could see something in the darkness that I couldn't.

 

[nova4u]

Emotions without memories… a hard thing to describe. My body was telling me one thing, while my mind said another. As he leaned in, I battled with myself; do I let him kiss me, turn my cheek to him, pull away, or…? I had not even decided yet when suddenly his lips were upon mine. I was sure my face gave away my shock, but inside a part of me became alive. My heart rate rapidly went up, and butterflies were dancing in my stomach. My body had taken over at that point, and just when I thought of kissing him back he pulled away, tugging at my lip. Instinctively I leaned towards him slightly as he pulled back, and then our lips parted. God, how I wanted more! But then rational set in and I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Joe apologized, saying he had kissed me during the coma hoping I would wake up with a kiss from my Prince Charming. If only he knew what part of me he had awakened. Realizing I had been staring off into space, I snapped myself out of it and looked up at him. “Th-th-that’s OK… I think I understand.”

Joe sat on the bed beside me. “I still don’t remember much at all,” I said sheepishly, “Tell me about you. Who are you? Do you work? What do you like to do? Where do you live? I want to know everything… and… could you tell me about me too?”

 

[allonblack]

I worried that I had crossed a line. I realize it was just a kiss but I worried if she was going to freak out at just a kiss what would she do when I wanted to be more intimate with her? I wondered if I could be intimate with her. She wouldn't remember how to make love and the pain and uncomfortableness of her first time may be too much and cause her to lose all trust in me. I wouldn't force her, but now that she was wake something stirred in me. Manly needs that hadn't been satisfied in over a month.

Ellen asked me to tell her about myself and herself. "Well," I began "We met at a beach party in college. We were 19. The kids you came with were drinking and wanted to drive and leave. You tried to take their keys but you were outnumbered 3 to 1. I saw what was going on and stepped in. I took the keys from your boyfriend at the time. He gave me a black eye but it was worth it. You dumped his sorry ass right there and then. He ended up getting another girl pregnant that same night so I'm sure he hasn't forgotten that night either. Anyways after he punched my lights out, you came to see if I was ok. We started talking and next thing I knew you had fallen asleep on my shoulder while we sat near the bonfire. The next morning I took you home and we dated for awhile after that. Then we became official boyfriend/girlfriend, joined at the hip. 5 years rolled by and we were still together, we got engaged last year. You worked for a law firm for 3 years after college but you said you were too educated to do nothing but put stamps on envelopes all day so you left and started a wedding planner business. It was very successful but it took a lot of your time. That led to us fighting a lot. I found it ironic that you could spend all this time planning other people's weddings but you were afraid to plan our own. So we took a break and remained engaged but barely speaking.

When the wreck happened we had decided to go out for dinner and give it one more chance. That's the story of us. As far as me I worked for Hallmark as a greeting card artist. When I said it was ironic that you planned other people's weddings but not ours, you shot back by saying "you spend time writing poems for strangers but barely say a kind word to me." You were right, we made our living planning happiness for others and neglected our own needs." I felt myself choking up and knew I would need to get a drink. "Excuse for a moment, I'll be right back."

I left her room and went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I returned and continued. "My hobbies are fishing, sports, video games, and you were more into reading quietly. We seemed to be opposites, yet we knew we could always count on each other. This is proof of it, you have me, I know that's probably all you feel like you have now but at least it's something. We moved in together and live in Porterfield. We grew up here. We probably passed each other in the hallways of the high school thousands of times but didn't speak until that fateful night in college."

"You grew up here, you were adopted, when you're parents found out about the car accident it was too much for them. Your mom freaked out and started the adoption process for two korean infants. I guess she felt like she had lost you and needed to replace that hole in her heart somehow. I guess she decided a motherly instinct would be the best way. They were the only family you had and they're in Korea for at least 2 more weeks." I could see the shock of realizing I was all she had setting in. "Ok sweetie that's enough for now, if you have more questions I will answer but now I think you should rest." I said reaching behind her to fluff her pillow.

I began thinking about my garage. It was decorated with her wedding planning supplies. One day during a desperate act of boredom and loneliness I had decorated the garage in the theme of our wedding. I decided I should probably destroy that so I wouldn't feel like I was forcing her into loving me. Yet part of me wondered what it would be like to cover her eyes and let her walk barefoot on the rose petals that lined the bridal aisle and her let her reach the altar where a picture of us hung and a stereo with a cd of our songs was ready to play at the press of a button.

 

[nova4u]

As Joe went on about our life together, I grew concerned. Did I really want to remember “us”, or even try to rekindle something of what we had? Fighting and not speaking really did not sound appealing to me, especially if it was with a man I supposedly loved. Maybe I was just too distracted by his beautiful brown eyes to think straight. I had to put these “new” feelings aside and work on my recovery both physically and mentally.

Parents? I hadn’t even thought of family. It was nice to know I had one, but here they had all but given up on me, and Joe had stuck by my side. This was all getting to be a bit much to absorb all at once; I was thankful I had another couple of weeks to soak things in before I met them.

Later today the physical therapist would be coming by to show us how to do my exercise routine at home. I was pretty apprehensive about that, and hoped they’d take it easy on me at first. I could feel my strength building more and more throughout the day, but I still had a lot of pain in certain areas, and knew I wouldn’t be able to walk independently at first with how weak my legs were. I decided to follow Joe’s advice and get some rest. Joe seemed lost in thought about something, and I soon drifted off for an afternoon nap.

A few hours later I awoke to the door opening. Joe had dozed off in the chair by the bed, and the noise startled him. It was the physical therapist, Sandy. It seemed much of the initial things they would have me working on were based on either balance or stretching. To start off, they gave me an exercise ball. I was supposed to sit on it and try to raise one foot off the ground, eventually building up to 1 minute per foot, in sets of 3. Sounded easy enough, but when I tried it Joe had to steady me with his hands on my hips from behind and I was only able to hold my foot off the ground for a few seconds before my balance was gone. Similar exercises followed on the ball, then we moved on to stretches. The first was simply sitting on the floor with my legs forward and feet up against something for resistance, the wall, for instance. Again, Joe had to help me for balance. He sat directly behind me, legs outstretched along mine, guiding and supporting me with his hands as needed while I painfully reached toward my toes. The next stretch involved me lying on the ground, with Joe helping to bring my knee to my chest and hold for a few seconds. Though I liked the close proximity we had, lying on my back was proving to be very difficult. Sandy had heard about the Jacuzzi, and she said it may help with the healing and tenderness as long as the water was not too hot, reminding us to take it slow. She also recommended for now if possible I use the Jacuzzi without a swimsuit, saying the elastic edges would do more damage to the tender areas. The last stretch was the most difficult one. I would still lie on my back, but this time Joe was to kneel between my legs and place one of my legs up on his shoulder, leaning into me. We did this with each leg individually, then together with one on each shoulder. As he slowly leaned in for the stretch, his breathing started to quicken. I could see something different in his eyes now, almost a hunger, and I started to feel like I desperately needed something, but didn't know what. Sandy broke the moment, saying we were done, and gave us her card if we had any questions; she would follow up with me in a week or so.

It was just the two of us once more; both of us blushed and looked away from each another. At a loss for words, Joe excused himself to the bathroom, leaving me to collect my thoughts. The next few weeks were going to be very interesting…

 

[allonblack]

I was drained from telling her about us. I wouldn't even bother calling her family, they would be happy but not make much of an effort to visit. Besides I wanted to be everything to her, I once was and I knew if she needed me and relied on me, I could be her everything again.

I began thinking of what all I would need to buy for her return home. I felt my head strarting to droop and next thing I knew I was asleep. I awoke to the sound of a door opening. The uncapped pen in my hand jerked when I lifted my head making a big blue line across my list. I looked over at Ellen and noticed she had just woken up as well. I smiled slightly at the thought of this being the first time we had slept next to each other and woke up next to each other in a long time.

Ellen cringed as I stretched and my neck made a popping sound. The woman that entered the room introduced herself as Sandy. I had met her briefly during the first week of Ellen's coma. She suggested I massage Ellen's muscles sometimes to stimulate blood flow. I massaged for the first two weeks but after that it was too painful to touch Ellen and get no response from her.
I drowsily nodded along with the instructions Sandy gave. I lifted Ellen out of bed and onto the exercise ball. I steadied her as she grimaced. "Hey, don't force it, I've been awake for the past 5 weeks and I couldn't do this stuff either." I said with a smile as I supported her so she wouldn't fall. As I held her I realized something was missing. I didn't know what though.
I helped her lay on the floor and placed her leg on my shoulder. Slowly I pushed her leg towards her stomach. I held her barefoot smiling at the designs the cosmetology students had painted on her toenails. I told them how much Ellen loved a cloudless night so the young woman painted a sun on her big toes and stars on the other toes. I tried to focus on something else because I knew this position would remind me too much of our lovemaking. I could feel myself starting to pant and knew I needed to stop before lust took over.

The stretches were a struggle. Sandy told us Ellen was supposed to be able to see her toes straight above her when the stretch was done properly. I sprang to my feet and walked to her bedside drawer. She gazed at me curiously I as removed a bottle of nail polish. I lifted her foot and placed it in my lap. "This will be motivation" I said as I removed the cap and painted an "I" on her big toe. She looked at me anxiously as I painted a "L" on the next toe, then a "U" on the next toe, then a "V" on the next toe, then finally a "U" on her small toe. "There," I said smiling, satisfied with my work "Now, when you see this above you, you'll know I how feel about you." I grabbed her little toe and said "and this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home." as she giggled. I reached for her hand and shook it softly back and forth saying "and this little medical miracle is going home soon." Ellen blushed and I could see Sandy in the corner of the room. She cleared her throat indicating we should get back to the exercises.

As the exercises progressed and Ellen's soft skin was warmed by mine I realized what was missing from this moment.Her body still fit perfectly with mine but I needed something else. "Sandy?" I began "Would you get the digital camera from my coat over there and take a picture of me and Ellen?" Sandy nodded and said Ellen had earned a break. I helped Ellen to the edge of the bed. We sat down and I put my arm around her and smiled. Sandy chatted a little more and said I should let Ellen wear my swim trunks or let her go nude in the jacuzzi since elastic would hurt her. I blushed a little at the thought of Ellen's naked body. Sandy left the room and said she'd be in touch. She came back in and said I needed to sign some more papers at the nurses desk. I nodded and said I'd be right there.

"Ellen," I began "You know since you'll have to skinny dip in the jacuzzi, it's only fair that I do it too." I said with a wink and a laugh. "Well, I need to use the bathroom, then go back to the nurses desk and sign those papers. Hopefully it means you're getting out of her tomorrow."

 

[nova4u]

Exhaustion started to overtake me as I lay back down. It would be nice to get out of the hospital, but I didn’t know what would be in store for me when I got “home” to Joe’s house. Sandy had mentioned I would need a wheelchair to get around for a while until enough strength returned to my legs. What if the house had stairs? What if the wheelchair wouldn’t even fit through the doors? I decided it would be best if I worked through the pain of physical therapy as quickly as possible. If Joe and I had stress and fighting in our relationship before, I wanted to be prepared to WALK out of there of my own accord should the need arise. But so far things were going well between us…almost a little too well for my comfort.

He kissed me on the forehead before he left the room. “Skinny dipping”; I may have had amnesia but I knew what that meant. My mind filled with thoughts of being surrounded with bubbling warm waters with Joe before me, his warm, soft lips trailing kisses down my neck, his strong but gentle hands upon me slowly caressing my…

…face? I opened my eyes to find Joe’s head lying next to mine; an orchid in his hand, gently grazing the edges of the fragrant flower's petals along my cheek and across my lips. I had been dreaming, but what a nice thing to wake up to, I thought. “Orchids are your favorite,” he whispered. “Care to tell me what you were dreaming of? You were sleeping so soundly but then started talking in your sleep.” His eyes searched my face for a reaction as he awaited my reply.

I felt my face turning red. “Nothing, really,” I said, hoping I hadn’t said anything too revealing. I took the flower from his hand, seizing the opportunity to change the subject, “It’s lovely, thank you.”

 

[allonblack]

I began to wonder how much of a challenge it would be to be her physical therapist, care provider, and hopefully once again, her lover. She wasn't heavy at all, but she was limp and therefore dead weight. But I knew I could easily carry her up the stairs as I had did so many times before. I would bend down and lift her onto my shoulder and carry her to the bed like a caveman taking his woman. She would giggle and pound her fists softly on my shoulder in protest before I dropped her on the mattress. I had wanted to be more romantic and carry her like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold but she told me to save that for the wedding night.

I signed the papers at the nurses station and went to the gift shop. It was almost closing time so all I could buy were the plastic flowers they sold for ninety nine cents a piece. Fortunately the plastic flowers were close enough to the real ones that they absorbed much of the sent from the live flowers, so an untrained eye wouldn't know the difference. I bought her an orchid, her favorite. I brought it back to her room and brushed her face softly with it to make her open her eyes. I asked what she was dreaming of and teased her that I couldn't leave the room for 5 minutes without her drifting off. She dodged my question and took the flower from my hand.

"You're welcome for the flower Ellen, and now watch me try to be romantic." I said taking the flower from her hand. I knelt at her bedside and said "Ellen this flower is plastic, which means it will never die, just like my love for you." I heard my knee pop and watch Ellen gasp in concern, then giggle with delight. I slowly rose to my feet and said "Yeah, laugh it up, well looks like I need that jacuzzi more than you do."

My tone became more serious as I spoke "Ellen, I know you've been here awhile and you're mind is probably full of so many thoughts. But it looks like you're getting out of here tomorrow. So what's the first thing you want to do tomorrow after you're released? After all tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life." She pressed her finger to her lip and began chewing on the nail as she escaped into deep concentration.

 

[nova4u]

“Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life."

It was true. I was astonished at how quickly I was recovering. Of course there was a still lot of hard work ahead and follow-up visits with doctors and tests and… and… Just the thought of it all was overwhelming. “I think it’d be best if I just go home and rest; I don’t think I’m quite ready for more yet.” My skin was still tight and painful, but the doctors had taken me off the IV that morning and switched me to some pills. The combination of those and the ointment seemed to be working wonders on my marred body.

“More than anything I just want to remember!” I said, sighing with frustration. “It’s all so confusing. I’m sorry Joe; I still don’t remember you, us, even ME! I just get fleeting glimpses of images and feelings but can’t put it all together. Pictures and words don’t seem to be enough. Will you help me remember?”

Tears began streaming down my face. Joe sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me close. “I don’t know how much more of this I can handle,” I whimpered into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me back and forth, trying to soothe me.

 

[allonblack]

Ellen grew visibly frustrated letting me know all she wanted was to remember. I was in an awkward position, I could easily salvage a frail relationship but telling her only what I wanted her to know and what I wanted her to be. But a part of me knew she deserved to know everything.

I held her tightly, clutching the most vulnerable creature I had ever held in my arms. "Ellen," I said forcing her to look at me, "You don't have to rush anything, you've got plenty of time to just relax. If you don't remember some things, who cares? I have photographs, home movies, a memory of my own filled with thousands of hours worth of tales about how great of a person you are. We can do this at your pace, if it's too much for you, then we'll stop and just go soak in the jacuzzi. We can take some trips, I've still got some money saved up. Sometimes the best way to find yourself, is to get away from everything you know."

Suddenly my mind flooded with thoughts. I turned on the television and flipped the channel to the game show network. Ellen glanced back and forth between me and the television. "Just watch" I told her. Quirky trumpet laced theme music began. "This is your life" the announcer blared over scattered applause. I thought of doing something like this for her. But in all honesty she didn't have any friends or family members to invite as surprise guests. We were in love and as is often in love we focused our time and efforts on only each other. Friendships dissolved quietly and faded away like dew on a summer's morning.

We sat there together, huddled under the hospital sheet. The reflection of the tv cast a different light on Ellen. She sat there motionless watching in disappointed amazement how a person's life could be summed up in 30 minutes. 22 minus commercials. The flickering screen animated Ellen. Her twitching eyes became more illuminated. I could tell she was going to cry. I quickly snapped off the television and we fell asleep in the darkness.

I awoke early the next morning to begin packing her bag. I could feel her looking at me as unlocked the wheelchair brakes. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Today was going to be the first day of the rest of my life too. I was trapped in memories but they seemed a distant blur. I had forgotten probably almost as much Ellen. But unlike my amnesia was self-inflicted and voluntary.

 

[nova4u]

The next morning I woke up to the sound of Joe packing my bag. I was still astounded that only a few short days ago my eyes had opened from a long coma, and now here I was, the latest medical phenomenon, going home. Joe was unable to contain his excitement; it was plain on his face. If only I was that excited. Right now, he felt to me like a good friend, albeit a handsome one at that. Could I, or rather would I, fall in love with him again? Obviously, he loved me dearly, and I didn’t want to break his heart, so for now I decided to wait and see how things evolved over the next few weeks.

“I hope you like the clothes I picked out for your trip home; they’re… uh… were your favorite things to wear around the house. You always said they were so comfortable,” Joe said, motioning to the chair by the bed. “You’re probably anxious to get out of that hospital gown.” On the chair lay a navy, stretch-velour pant set. The top had long sleeves and a full zipper down the front. As he handed them to me, a pair of white lace panties fell from the stack. He retrieved them, and I felt my face flush as he looked into my eyes and handed them to me, his hand pausing for a moment. “You’ll probably need help getting dressed… should I page the nurse…?

“Yes, thank you,” I whispered, watching the disappointment cross over his face. He clicked the nurse call button, and we waited in silence for a few minutes for the nurse to come in.

“She needs help changing,” he said as he walked past her out the door, visibly upset. I was beginning to see this was probably just as hard on him as it was for me. The nurse removed the last of my bandages, rubbing in ointment as she went. Carefully she pulled my clothes on my body and zipped the front of the top. We didn’t bother with shoes; just used two pairs of socks to keep my feet warm since I wouldn’t be doing much walking at first anyway. After she left, I looked around the room one last time, trying to absorb it all in. This had been my home for more than a month, yet it was all so new to me. Now it was time to move on to another “new” home.

 

[allonblack]

I had made all the neccessary arrangments to get the jacuzzi. I spoke with the manager of the spa place and he said the jacuzzi should be installed by a little after lunch. I couldn't wait to get in it and rest my tired muscles.

Ellen seemed anxious to go home, yet I knew her face hid a little fear. I brought her some of her favorite clothes, although we were just going straight home Ellen always did like dressing up, even just to go to the grocery store. As I handed her the clothes a pair of panties fell out. I suddenly felt like a child as she stared at me. I didn't think she would notice but all the clothes, including the panties, I had bought for her.

I stepped out of the room and let the nurse help Ellen get dressed. I inhaled deeply, puffing my cheeks out as I exhaled. The nurse walked by and tapped me on the shoulder, letting me know I could go back in the room.

I stepped inside and saw Ellen looking around the room, I could tell she didn't want to leave. I looked down and noticed she wasn't even wearing shoes. I smiled slightly at the tennis socks the nurse had given her. The little cotton balls looked like rabbit tails. I used to make sock puppets out of the tennis socks to make her laugh on mother's and father's day, two of the hardest holidays for an orphan.

I pushed the wheelchair beside the bed and said "Milady, your chariot awaits." I guided her into the chair and we walked down the hallway, past the barrage of cheering nurses and smiling doctors. As we entered the elevator I dropped the bag with the remains of her ring it into the garbage. I wanted that painful memory to stay where it belonged, in the hospital. If all went well in a few months I'd be buying her a new ring anyways.

 

[nova4u]

The applause as we left the hospital was a bit embarrassing, but I enjoyed it all the same. I had to admit the medical miracle thing was going to my head. It served its purpose though, and spurred my determination to fully recover. Joe mentioned the Jacuzzi would be ready today. I smiled, thinking how the jets would feel, the waters swirling around me. It sounded like just the thing I needed. I would have to borrow a t-shirt from Joe though; the physical therapist may have said no swimsuit but I wasn’t prepared to bare myself completely to someone I felt I only knew for a few days, fiancé or not.

“So we still have some PT to get over with today,” I said as he wheeled me out to the parking garage. “I think I’ll be feeling up to that once we get home and then maybe we could try out the Jacuzzi?” There was no answer from Joe. Looking up I could tell he was lost in thought. “Are you alright?” I asked.