Memorable quotes?

[cloudy]

I know we all have them....there used to be a thread. Please share.

Here are some I like, both silly and profound:

Mark Twain:

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French. I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."

Dave Barry:

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"You can only be young once, but you can always be immature."

"Electricity is actually made up of tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."

others:

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." ~ George Carlin

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." ~ Rita Rudner.

"Tipper and Al came to a show the last time we were in Washington. They're nice people, a nice family. We made every effort not to frighten them." ~ Jerry Garcia (I think this is one of my faves)

"Adults are just obsolete children, and the hell with them." ~ Dr. Seuss

"Life is not separate from death. It only looks that way." ~ Blackfoot Proverb

"Make my enemy brave and strong, so that if defeated, I will not be ashamed." ~ Plains Proverb

"Why take by force that which you can have by love?" ~ Wahunsenacawh (Pocahontas' father) to John Smith

Your turn.

 

[zeb1094]

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 

[cheerful_deviant]

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
- Bertrand Russell

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
- John A. Wheeler

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
- Robert Wilensky

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
- Andy Rooney

 

[cheerful_deviant]

And of course, the brilliant and slightly fucked in the head, Stephen Wright:

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Straight from the world infamous Cracked Minds research facility, here's a collection of Oscar Wilde quotes:

1. Moderation is a fatal thing. . . . Nothing succeeds like excess.
2. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
3. Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
4. Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance.
5. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
6. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
7. One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
8. If man was meant to be nude, he would have been born that way.
9. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
10. A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
11. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
12. A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.
13. The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
14. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
15. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
16. True friends stab you in the front.
17. The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
18. I am not young enough to know everything.
19. I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
20. I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
21. In America, the President reigns for four years, and journalism governs for ever and ever.
22. It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But it is better to be good than to be ugly.
23. The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
24. One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
25. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
26. The play was a great success, but the audience was a disaster.
27. The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
28. The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
29. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune... to lose both seems like carelessness.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[rgraham666]

Guys, know this about your women: you're not their first choice. - Chris Rock

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"People call me a feminist whenever I show that I won't accept being treated as a door mat."

(Gertrud Stein???)

 

[Guest]

(Gertrud Stein???)

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. ~Rebecca West, 1913

 

[Liar]

And of course, the brilliant and slightly fucked in the head, Stephen Wright:

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Haven't seen that one before. Brilliant.






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