Bob Peale
angeli ribelli
- Joined
- Sep 4, 1999
- Posts
- 10,535
To: All Concerned From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the
States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia and North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population
of the earth,my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209 . As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children
will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola, a bottle of Jack Daniels (preferably in the black bottle) and pork rinds
[or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen .." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back
with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's
a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,the wife,
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Union 1225
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the
States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia and North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population
of the earth,my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209 . As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children
will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola, a bottle of Jack Daniels (preferably in the black bottle) and pork rinds
[or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen .." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back
with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's
a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,the wife,
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Union 1225
