Meeting someone

[guy4u112]

So I met a girl on friday (blind date). She was nice, cute and everything but It wasn't love at first sight at all, plus, she's a smoker ... big turnoff. I am wondering if I should call her and try to make it work.

I guess what I'm asking is, when you met your partner, did you instantly knew he/she was the one. Or at least someone you could se yourself with?

I have been single for a while, so maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone.

Any advice would help

Thanks!

 

[SweetErika]

My husband was (and sometimes still is) completely out of my comfort zone. He was a really good guy, and I was totally used to dating jerks who said all the right things but ended up treating me poorly. I wasn't immediately attracted to my guy at all, but over time, we became friends and I saw what a great person he was, how well he treated me, etc.

We've been together for 12 years now.

So, yes, I think it's important to step outside your comfort zone if whatever you've been doing thus far hasn't been working well for you.

 

[CWatson]

The first time I met my fiancée I thought, "Ugh, just not my type." She's short (even for a woman) and kind of angular, and likes to dress eccentrically--overalls, camo pattern shirts, weird hats, things like that. And the few times we talked, I got a vibe from her that I wasn't keen on: very academically focused, to the point of possibly excluding everything else. Such as a boyfriend. I'm a clingy, semi-high-maintenance type of person to begin with, so that's not a good vibe for me.

Well, you see how that turned out. She is very academic-minded, but not narrowly so, and as it turns out she was lonely and isolated and really needed someone who was willing to lavish attention on her. And as to being my type... Well, that stopped mattering after a while. Love really is blind.

(Of course, she's my ex-fiancée now, but that's for reasons that have nothing to do with any of this stuff. She herself said, "You're perfect for me, except for the single dealbreaker that matters," and while it mattered, I'm fairly sure that, in its absence, we'd be happily married this very instant.)

I'd give her a shot. If you give it a try, you're unlikely to regret it. If you don't give it a try, you are likely to regret it. Nothing to lose, everything to gain... Why not?

 

[SweetErika]

What was the dealbreaker, if you don't mind sharing, CWatson?

 

[Elendariel]

You could call her email and say out right( I think
ost women really appreciate the for-warned honesty clause, I know I'm a sucker for it) say. Hey, I thought you were cute and I think I'd like to get to know you better but I need to confess that the smell of cigaretts really gets to me. If we went out again, would you be willing to not smoke on our date? I hope this doesn't come off as too... Well. Assaholic.. Just wanted to be honest and upfront. Um yeah. Hope to hear from you. And then give it a week while she either says yes/ no right away, or shares it with every woman she knows while hey try to read into all the possible nuances of your character. Wouldn't hurt. And if you are into each other, later it could be a deal breaker in a few months. If she has good enough reason too, she might finally quit.

 

[NomadLady]

So I met a girl on friday (blind date). She was nice, cute and everything but It wasn't love at first sight at all, plus, she's a smoker ... big turnoff. I am wondering if I should call her and try to make it work.

I guess what I'm asking is, when you met your partner, did you instantly knew he/she was the one. Or at least someone you could se yourself with?

I have been single for a while, so maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone.

Any advice would help

Thanks!

Other than the smoking....was there anything else that turned you off? Smoking is a deal breaker for me....I have asthma but I love the smell and taste of cigars....

 

[guy4u112]

Thanks to everyone for the comments, I will call her tomorrow and see where it goes.

Getting out of my comfort zone.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks to everyone for the comments, I will call her tomorrow and see where it goes.

Getting out of my comfort zone.

Good for you! And I think Elendriel had a great suggestion on the smoking thing; you can't expect her to change for you, but maybe she's at least willing to be more considerate about it and/or will find this a catalyst to quit for herself if that's something she's already been thinking about.

 

[CWatson]

What was the dealbreaker, if you don't mind sharing, CWatson?

Mostly the Christianity thing. There's more details in "The First Ninety Days", a story I have here on Lit which drew heavily from the circumstances of that relationship, but suffice it to say that my ex is a devout Christian, which is not something that was necessarily obvious from the surface.

Now, that in itself wasn't the problem; I'm at least lightly Christian myself. The problem was that she couldn't marry somebody who isn't a devout Christian--and devout on her terms, which I think are overly conservative and somewhat rules-lawyery. She wants her husband to have the same relationship with God as she does, a relationship that I simply can't--I have too many problems with the leaps of logic and head-in-the-sand positions they're insisting on nowadays.

But Christianity isn't something my ex just does, the way it is for me. It's integral to her personality and self-image. That's why it was a dealbreaker for her--giving it up would be about as easy as giving up breathing. For her to give it up her faith would be to surrender her integrity. But for me to give up my (non)faith would be to surrender my integrity. We could not have been true to ourselves and true to each other at the same time; one of us would have had to be miserable. So we did the only thing we could under the circumstances: went our separate ways.

And so she's dating someone else, and hopefully will find someone to love her and cherish her not only the way she deserves, but the way she wants. And I... Well, I got a decent novel out of it, and more criteria to add to my list of Warning Signs To Look Out For. *wry smile*

 

[SweetErika]

CW, that sucks!

Did she tell you about her brand of religion and that it was a dealbreaker for her up front, or was it something she decided and/or disclosed later in the relationship?

 

[CWatson]

It... That's a complicated answer.

I asked her out in April. Four months later she said yes. That should have been a warning sign in itself, but you know what it's like in the drunk stages of a relationship. Later, when the whole story came out, I found out that she had spent the entire time debating, going back and forth on what to do about this guy she really liked (IE me). She said that she had talked to her parents about it, and they said, "Well, we think it's a waste of time--in the Bible it says you can't marry non-Christians, so it can't go anywhere no matter what. But go for it if you want." This, in retrospect, would also explain why her parents were so hostile to our relationship... especially when they found out that it was going somewhere, against both their will and their daughter's. She wasn't so keen on it either, because she knew (long before I did) that unless one of us made some major changes, things were doomed. But I was her first, and she had been lonely to the point of suicidal ideation. Any port in a storm.

I didn't find out about any of this until right near the end. My ex and I had a lot of psychological reactance going on, which is the simple principle that if you forbid somebody something, they get more interested in having it. It's also described as the "Romeo & Juliet effect": two people who are having pressure leveled against their relationship have a tendency to be more bonded to each other, to be more love-is-blind towards each other, because of said pressure. My ex and I were so busy just staying together in the face of overwhelming opposition that we never really had time to be rational about each other. If not for her parents' resistance we might've broken up sooner.

But in any case, things finally hit such a stretch that they flat banned the relationship--they took her cell phone, restricted her Internet access, chaperoned her everywhere. (Her parents' belief that she is property, not a human being, could fill another book.) It didn't work--she found ways to see me on the sly. And, in the paradoxical freedom of having to sneak around under the radar, we finally had time to be rational and evaluate in total honesty, and all the truths came out. We didn't fight about it, we just agreed to call it off. It could've been worse.

 

[guy4u112]

For the ones interested,

I decided to call her and we've been on 2 dates one at my place wich was great The more I hang out with her the more I like her. To be honest, I can't wait for her to come back from her weekend trip out of town.

 

[Christopher2012]

Mostly the Christianity thing. There's more details in "The First Ninety Days", a story I have here on Lit which drew heavily from the circumstances of that relationship, but suffice it to say that my ex is a devout Christian, which is not something that was necessarily obvious from the surface.

Now, that in itself wasn't the problem; I'm at least lightly Christian myself. The problem was that she couldn't marry somebody who isn't a devout Christian--and devout on her terms, which I think are overly conservative and somewhat rules-lawyery. She wants her husband to have the same relationship with God as she does, a relationship that I simply can't--I have too many problems with the leaps of logic and head-in-the-sand positions they're insisting on nowadays.

But Christianity isn't something my ex just does, the way it is for me. It's integral to her personality and self-image. That's why it was a dealbreaker for her--giving it up would be about as easy as giving up breathing. For her to give it up her faith would be to surrender her integrity. But for me to give up my (non)faith would be to surrender my integrity. We could not have been true to ourselves and true to each other at the same time; one of us would have had to be miserable. So we did the only thing we could under the circumstances: went our separate ways.

And so she's dating someone else, and hopefully will find someone to love her and cherish her not only the way she deserves, but the way she wants. And I... Well, I got a decent novel out of it, and more criteria to add to my list of Warning Signs To Look Out For. *wry smile*

That is why I'm very very picky. I can't commit myself to someone who isn't on the same level I am (in terms of religion) and then later tell them I feel we don't match. That's like signing a contract and then breaking it.

A lot of relationships are this way, and I simply don't understand it. I wouldn't want to hurt somebody just as bad as I don't want somebody to hurt me. And that's why I sort of shield myself from alot of people. I can sense myself getting defensive when it comes to women... I hate it, but at the same time, it's always in the back of my mind that it's probably for the best that nothing happens.

And I'm not the type of person who sees people as inferior if they have a different religion than me or no religion at all. But at the same time, if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, I'd like to think we have a similar thought process to how life works. Might just be me.

 

[guy4u112]

Hey everyone,

So I have been dating her for a couple of weeks, and each day I like her more. So that's good.

What's not so good is she said she's not ready for a serious relationship, she thought she would be but isn't. In her own words "not for now". She was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that ended in august.

She seemed disapointed that I cancelled our date on friday so I booked another one on saturday.

Do you think there is a possibility that she still wants to see me or is it definately over?

Thanks!

 

[SweetErika]

Hey everyone,

So I have been dating her for a couple of weeks, and each day I like her more. So that's good.

What's not so good is she said she's not ready for a serious relationship, she thought she would be but isn't. In her own words "not for now". She was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that ended in august.

She seemed disapointed that I cancelled our date on friday so I booked another one on saturday.

Do you think there is a possibility that she still wants to see me or is it definately over?

Thanks!

Why not talk about it on Saturday?

I'd also suggest discussion how each of you define "serious relationship" then, if you haven't done so already. She might have a completely different definition of it and be happy with what you're looking for, or you two might be able to compromise.

 

[CWatson]

if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, I'd like to think we have a similar thought process to how life works. Might just be me.

There's no "like" about it. Make sure you have a similar thought process as to how life works.

One of the things I miss most about my ex-fiancée is, ironically, getting to go to her church, because the pastor there was one of the wisest and most humane people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He said a lot of things that I took with me, and this was one of them. He said that the most important indicator of a relationship's success is "shared values"--specifically, what do you want out of life, and how does your partner enhance or enable your ability to achieve it? Recall that this is where where my ex and I got off the bus: we not only had different ideas, we had opposite ideas. This is also why it's difficult to marry if you don't know yourself very well; you want someone who will compliment you, but how can you find that if you don't even know who "you" is?

But, yeah. Seriously. "Who am I, and who do I want to become? And how will my partner make that easier?" If the answer is, "S/He won't," then the answer is, "Then don't marry them. It's doomed to failure." Pretty simple.