Maybe my best work...

[Boondocker42]

Hello Litterotica Fans!

I have quite a few submissions under my belt. Last week I published what I think may be my best story.

My stories are fairly direct. In terms of word count, I don't spend much time on character development. BUT, I do have very definite personalities in mind when writing and I think I am able to infuse that into my characters.

Wendy's Lament is about a young married woman learning about her neglected mother's needs. She decides to share her husband with her mother.

The story has been well received but I am eager for some more feedback. I think its best features are the low-keyed tone and intimacy. It's relatively believable, all things considered.

Unless you disagree of course?

Please give it a read and tell me what you think. Below I'll list a few disclaimer/spoilers for those of you that want a good idea of what you'll be encountering. Or just dive in!

 

[crisdixon]

Set the scene more

I liked it overall - although I'm not a fan of family affairs, the tension of her mom being in the next room introduces some interesting tension.

There were a few things that didn't make sense to me in the beginning of the scene. For example, she's biting the comforter, then she doesn't care about being loud. What changed? Why did she care in the first place? I get that you circle back around to it, but I might have approached it differently. I'd get inside her head at first.

Don't make a sound. Be quiet. I keep trying to tell myself that as I grind against his dick. I've even clutched the comforter in my teeth to make it that much harder to scream out. But the voice reminding myself of the need for stealth is being shouted down by the other voice, the one screaming: Oh, god, yes. The one keeping time to the tensing of my muscles around his lovely cock, so hard, so deep inside me.​

Also, there's a lot of repetition in the opening paragraph. "pumped" shows up three times, which I find a bit distracting. And I couldn't quite tell what the two characters were really doing at first. I thought maybe she was riding his face, not his lap.

You also settle at times for literal exposition, like in this interjection: "But at the same time, they were loving." Show, don't tell. "Her hands squeezed her ass, then relaxed, wandering over its surface until his fingers slipped between her cheeks to tease the crack of her ass, teasing her that they might slip lower."

This is just my personal opinion, but I wouldn't use a term like "beaver." It feels strange, doesn't it? I've run through the whole list of words for female genitalia, and there are a bunch that feel somewhat derogatory, like: twat, beaver, slit. Vagina is too clinical "Mons" feels right at home, though, as does "pussy." "Snatch" might work in some ways, but like "cunt," it borders on aggressive.

I thought the part where you talk about her at work is better. I still think her arousal is introduced a little too suddenly, which is a flaw of a lot of erotic writing. It just assumes: oh, they're horny...now go! I may be the only one who thinks so, though - everyone else seems to jump right in, whereas I tend to set the scene and make it believable.

Hope this helps! I think you have good material that will shine with a few of the rough edges worn off.

 

[8letters]

I didn't find anything to hold my interest and stopped reading. A sex scene when we don't know the characters usually isn't interesting to me. A newlywed wife being horny for her husband is very ordinary. I never understood why she was so worried her mother might hear them making love.

 

[Boondocker42]

Thanks crisdixon

Thank you for your reply. Your comments on her making noise did make me rethink a little. More emphasis on still trying to be quiet will make a nice contrast to how they are almost competing to make noise by the end of the story.

I always try to be aware to repetition, I should be able to filter more of that out with a couple more passes.

Honestly, I don't know if I'm going to worry to much about the exposition... I know what you mean but I think it's appropriate to be direct at times. It's intended to complement the "show"

I'll think about her "warm up"... the story is meant to be about Wendy, not sure how much I want to dwell on Stacy. Indecently, there's quite a bit about her in my other stories if you are curious. Even a no-sex story about the office.

Thanks again.

 

[Boondocker42]

8letters:

We seem to have very different ideas of narrative. See the characters in action makes you want to know them better. A "cold open" is exciting. Also, you pretty much didn't read it so your comment has no weight.

You honestly don't understand that most people are uncomfortable about sex around their parents?

 

[8letters]

You honestly don't understand that most people are uncomfortable about sex around their parents?

You don't have her wrestle with that issue in the first scene. She's worried for a second about making noise for some unspecified reason, but then stops worrying about it. To me, it would have been much better if Stacy had actually thought, "Mom's right next door...I don't want her to hear us...But it feels so good and it's been a week since the last time we fucked."

Actually, I think you would have been better off just starting the story with Stacy talking to her mom when she comes out for breakfast. Their discussion is what the story is all about.

I thought the sex scene was over the top. Particularly for sex between a husband and wife. But some readers might like that.