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Well, you mentioned how he told you once at the beginning of your relationship that he wasn't planning on marriage ever... It sounds to me like (even after many wonderful years together) he's still afraid of commitment and is starting to back off now. Were you two dating exclusivly or still dating others? Has he ever been married before? I know many divorced men have trouble when it comes to serious relationships and potential marriage. When I was 21 I had a "crush" on this man who was 33, divorced with one child (10). We went out a few times (hell, one of the times his son was on the "date" with us 'cause he couldn't find a babysitter). I would have given anything to have dated him then. Now, I'm 23 and he's 35 and the tables are turned. He wants a serious relationship with me. He says he's been thinking about marriage again and even having more children (and even his son has asked him if he was ever going to have more children). Okay, I think I kinda sidetracked some here. It sounds to me like you need to sit down and talk with him. Ask him how he feels about things, about you, now. If things were meant to be they'll work out eventually. Until then, don't stop loving him! 
~Tiggs~
~Tiggs~
i think you should ask him what he thinks and feels- the real nitty gritty details. and don't take "i don't know" or any other patented man answers-
if there are no reasons to stay together, break up, why wait, unhappy until it turns not just sour but downright ugly?
on the other hand you may find he's got a similar condition to some married men- he has you the chase is over, he gets comfortable-
he may just need to know that your relationship, just like a car, needs maintenance or it will fall apart underneath you.
people break up for two reasons- it's either one or both. either they don't love each other, or they can't work together- logistically.
so, my thoughts are: find out what he really wants.
truthfully, if he wants it to be the way it used to be or to just stay the same,... he's not going to get any less of a stagnant person,... and this issue will bother you again.
tell him what you want. you wanting change is not any more unreasonable than him wanting things not to,... (so don't let him make you feel like you're being a woman in that bad way,... )
i tried to offer info for different scenarios since i don't know exactly what he's doing,..
good luck!
if there are no reasons to stay together, break up, why wait, unhappy until it turns not just sour but downright ugly?
on the other hand you may find he's got a similar condition to some married men- he has you the chase is over, he gets comfortable-
he may just need to know that your relationship, just like a car, needs maintenance or it will fall apart underneath you.
people break up for two reasons- it's either one or both. either they don't love each other, or they can't work together- logistically.
so, my thoughts are: find out what he really wants.
truthfully, if he wants it to be the way it used to be or to just stay the same,... he's not going to get any less of a stagnant person,... and this issue will bother you again.
tell him what you want. you wanting change is not any more unreasonable than him wanting things not to,... (so don't let him make you feel like you're being a woman in that bad way,... )
i tried to offer info for different scenarios since i don't know exactly what he's doing,..
good luck!
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Neither of us have been married...
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No, you're not wrong for wanting to get married. It's a natural desire. I don't know what to tell you about his fear of commitment. Maybe he'll come around someday.
Thumper
Literotica Guru
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Who says getting married is moving forward?
First off this is a male point of view...OK well DUH..
I have been married 18 years and relationships change in character over time...they can't possibly stay exactly the way they were in the beginning. This isn't necessarily bad just the way we are as humans. The newness wears off and it seems the passion dies. It just changes..
I've learned that the more you expect(demand?) from a relationship the less it delivers...If marriage is so important to you must be willing to face the possibility that it may not be with this guy. Can you continue without it? These questions you must answer first for yourself. If marriage isn't all that important then don't push it, if it is then discuss it with him. If he doesn't want it then pushing him on the issue will create distance...Don't take his lack of a definite "No" as apossible Yes. If he doesn't want marriage and he knows you do then it is a safe bet that this could be the deal breaker. He may just be wanting to avoid saying something he knows will hurt you.
Then again I could be full of it too!
I am not sure what to tell you exactly...
Good Luck..
As for me..if I ever get divorced I will never get married again, and I would make that clear right at the beginning of any new relationship.
First off this is a male point of view...OK well DUH..
I have been married 18 years and relationships change in character over time...they can't possibly stay exactly the way they were in the beginning. This isn't necessarily bad just the way we are as humans. The newness wears off and it seems the passion dies. It just changes..
I've learned that the more you expect(demand?) from a relationship the less it delivers...If marriage is so important to you must be willing to face the possibility that it may not be with this guy. Can you continue without it? These questions you must answer first for yourself. If marriage isn't all that important then don't push it, if it is then discuss it with him. If he doesn't want it then pushing him on the issue will create distance...Don't take his lack of a definite "No" as apossible Yes. If he doesn't want marriage and he knows you do then it is a safe bet that this could be the deal breaker. He may just be wanting to avoid saying something he knows will hurt you.
Then again I could be full of it too!
I am not sure what to tell you exactly...
Good Luck..
As for me..if I ever get divorced I will never get married again, and I would make that clear right at the beginning of any new relationship.
Lucious Lioness, If you really do want to get married, make sure he knows it. If your continued relationship depends on it, make sure he knows that, too.
Not all guys are happy remaining single, and not all of us are afraid of commitment. You deserve to be with someone that wants the same things from life that you do, and tying yourself to someone who does not prevents you from finding the one that is right for you.
I really know what I'm talking about here, although I'm not able to say why that is. If you want to discuss it further my e-mail and ICQ number are in my profile. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
Not all guys are happy remaining single, and not all of us are afraid of commitment. You deserve to be with someone that wants the same things from life that you do, and tying yourself to someone who does not prevents you from finding the one that is right for you.
I really know what I'm talking about here, although I'm not able to say why that is. If you want to discuss it further my e-mail and ICQ number are in my profile. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
Thumper
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How about we just live in sin at the Holiday Inn?
...and I'll bring plenty 'o quarters for the vibrating bed!
Bring the dress and we'll get lasher or DCL to perform the ceremony!
But seriously...why is it always construed as a fear of commitment when a man does not desire marriage...Maybe we just don't like the idea. I don't...
I don't fear commitment...many people have said I should be committed. Sometimes I agree...
Also...men have not cornered the market on the "too comfortable" habit. How many women cut all their hair and get "frumpy" as soon as the wedding ceremony is over? luckily that didn't occur in my case...but I went to my 20 year reunion last year....*shudder* and a few PTA meetings..*double shudder*
...and I'll bring plenty 'o quarters for the vibrating bed!
Bring the dress and we'll get lasher or DCL to perform the ceremony!
But seriously...why is it always construed as a fear of commitment when a man does not desire marriage...Maybe we just don't like the idea. I don't...
I don't fear commitment...many people have said I should be committed. Sometimes I agree...
Also...men have not cornered the market on the "too comfortable" habit. How many women cut all their hair and get "frumpy" as soon as the wedding ceremony is over? luckily that didn't occur in my case...but I went to my 20 year reunion last year....*shudder* and a few PTA meetings..*double shudder*
i agree with thumper on the shuddering- and i think the consensus thus far is this : decide what you want. then talk to him, let him know where you stand, and stand there!
(as far as figuring out what you want, do you love him? what are you willing to let get in the way of that? )
(as far as figuring out what you want, do you love him? what are you willing to let get in the way of that? )
Lionness, as others have said, you need to talk things out with him. If you two can't come to an agreement that makes you both happy, then you have to ensure your own happiness. I've been in that position where you want more from the relationship, and he doesn't. Believe me, it's not a good place to be, and you have to look out for yourself. Maybe cut your losses and leave. I don't know, and only you can decide that for yourself. If you want to talk, email me.
wolfy
Really Experienced
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- Sep 30, 2000
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- 299
I think you should be truthfull to him and talk about it.
I don't know exactly why marriage is so important. If you
love a person and want to stay with him/her forever why do
you need to do the whole church thing etc? Admitingly i'm
not religious at all. Maybe he isn't either? If he loves
you enough he might be willing to get married even tho it's
not something he really wants...but do you really want him
to have to do that? Shrug talking to him might help but many
people have different views about marriage etc. My parents
marriage was a disaster and while i'd like to have a life-
long partner I don't want to get married. I hope this makes
sense and maybe helps show a different perspective.
Good luck to both of you. *hugs*
I don't know exactly why marriage is so important. If you
love a person and want to stay with him/her forever why do
you need to do the whole church thing etc? Admitingly i'm
not religious at all. Maybe he isn't either? If he loves
you enough he might be willing to get married even tho it's
not something he really wants...but do you really want him
to have to do that? Shrug talking to him might help but many
people have different views about marriage etc. My parents
marriage was a disaster and while i'd like to have a life-
long partner I don't want to get married. I hope this makes
sense and maybe helps show a different perspective.
Good luck to both of you. *hugs*
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It's really not the marriage thing....
Cheyenne
Ms. Smarty Pantsless
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Re: It's really not the marriage thing....
Oh oh, I think this got lost in the translation earlier in the thread. You have a whole different animal - nothing to do with you wanting to be married and him not. It sounds more like you've grown apart sexually, for whatever reason. Does he know about Lit and the time you spend here? Does he have a problem with you being at "a porn site"? And think about this one hard and answer yourself honestly- has your personality, your likes and dislikes, changed any since coming here? Have your desires and sexual requests changed? What is it that you are asking from him or that you are doing that he thinks is "perverted"? Could be that you've grown and want to move on, but he is happy with whatever your old routine was and is threatened by you wanting to try new things? You don't have to answer any of those questions here, I meant them just for you to think about. It isn't a bad thing if you have changed. It just means you better understand what it is that you want, and it may not be him that can give it to you.Luscious Lionness said:
Sparky Kronkite
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Yeah, yeah, yeah...... but.....
Good advise from all. All valuable stuff - to mull over and "make up your own mind eventually."
Unfortunately, man people out there are wimps, just are - no big thing. No use thinkin' bout "why" they are wimps - just are.
Lot's of folks, they don't like to make waves, don't like to change much - whatever. Wimps they remain.
(I don't get it though - life is too short and too precious to procrastinate for too long, just because your mental nature is to be a wimp. To me, it's wasted time. For all concerned.)
Therefore, it's logical to me to get - a variety of opinions. Then crunch'em, spin'em and formulate'em. As you do this, you should set "realistic and timely goals relative to the dilemma at hand."
Then, with all the information possible, all mulled over and logically aligned in you mind - you then confront (maybe that's too strong of a word but I can't think of a better one) - "you confront the issue with diplomatic aplomb" and then - "you act accordingly" upon all this data.
You make a decision.
If you approach life problems in this manner - "you can't make an incorrect decision."
Why? Because you did all you could to, "find the correct answer," therefore - you found the correct answer.
You made the right decision. A positive decision.
A logical, timely, decisive decision - is a very beautiful and positive thing. And it wastes as little of our very precious time as is humanly possible.
Good advise from all. All valuable stuff - to mull over and "make up your own mind eventually."
Unfortunately, man people out there are wimps, just are - no big thing. No use thinkin' bout "why" they are wimps - just are.
Lot's of folks, they don't like to make waves, don't like to change much - whatever. Wimps they remain.
(I don't get it though - life is too short and too precious to procrastinate for too long, just because your mental nature is to be a wimp. To me, it's wasted time. For all concerned.)
Therefore, it's logical to me to get - a variety of opinions. Then crunch'em, spin'em and formulate'em. As you do this, you should set "realistic and timely goals relative to the dilemma at hand."
Then, with all the information possible, all mulled over and logically aligned in you mind - you then confront (maybe that's too strong of a word but I can't think of a better one) - "you confront the issue with diplomatic aplomb" and then - "you act accordingly" upon all this data.
You make a decision.
If you approach life problems in this manner - "you can't make an incorrect decision."
Why? Because you did all you could to, "find the correct answer," therefore - you found the correct answer.
You made the right decision. A positive decision.
A logical, timely, decisive decision - is a very beautiful and positive thing. And it wastes as little of our very precious time as is humanly possible.
wolfy
Really Experienced
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- Sep 30, 2000
- Posts
- 299
Well I agree with sparky about if you try as hard as you
can to make something work and it dosn't you shouldn't
feel guilty about it. If your bf is acting like you are
perverted *boggle* then I suggest you get a new bf.
You can still love him and have him as a really close
friend. But have a lover who is sexually compatible with
you. Once again tho i suggest you talk to him about it
first...let him know how you feel and what you are looking
for in your relationship. If you are totally honest with
him and explain to him you love him truely but are having
problems maybe you can work it all out Btw still boggled
by any guy that thinks his gf is perverted. *grin*
can to make something work and it dosn't you shouldn't
feel guilty about it. If your bf is acting like you are
perverted *boggle* then I suggest you get a new bf.
You can still love him and have him as a really close
friend. But have a lover who is sexually compatible with
you. Once again tho i suggest you talk to him about it
first...let him know how you feel and what you are looking
for in your relationship. If you are totally honest with
him and explain to him you love him truely but are having
problems maybe you can work it all out
Btw still boggledby any guy that thinks his gf is perverted. *grin*
