May I be so bold?

[cheesy80s]

As to ask some readers with a little time on their hands to review Memories of Trees, the first 3 chapters.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=219706

Fair warning: This has no hardcore sex in the story. It's simply a romance in a very unusual backdrop......

Thanks!

 

[cheesy80s]

 

[Varian P]

I should have time tomorrow to give it a read. As I recall I read something of yours a while back and quite enjoyed it.

You might be scaring people off with the three chapters--let folks know it's a just two l.com pages and I suspect you might get more takers.

Good luck!

-Varian

 

[Varian P]

A promising beginning with a number of compelling elements, namely Collin's secret role in what's happened. I like the way the theme of secrecy is echoed by Melissa's past insistence that their affair be kept a secret. I love the overarching premise. My main criticism would be that, though I think you've set up a compelling situation, I'm not quite feeling the emotion—Collin's guilt, his excitement at encountering Melissa, the sorrow of people who've lost family and friends—it all feels sort of distant. Collin already has nice depth, though, so I'm confident you've got the skill to get me feeling him more strongly.

Your prose is often poetic—highly imagistic, visceral and lyrical. The dialogue, though, seems a tad stiff (I point out a particular example below).

A number of phrases are fabulous, sparkling gems. For example:

the pewter morning of commencement
Or did memory and current brain chemistry betray a kind of cinematic lucidity that was more lie than truth?
The muffled tinkling of porcelain coffee mugs kissing from the tremors
the moment he let his thoughts wander into the dreary plains of guilt.
Or maybe the rapidly setting sun bleeding through the trees in puddles of melting gold darkened the elder oak, obscuring the leaves.

I don't know about this one:
He remembered the chilled effects of bloodless resignation.
It's lyrical, but doesn't convey anything I can feel—as opposed to this wonderful, immediate, visceral image: " The lodge still smelled of floor polish and musty corners."

Or this:
These things engulfed his brain like a hammer against sheet metal, constantly clanking in his head until he was numb.
I like the hammer/sheet metal metaphor, and the "constant clanking," but it doesn't seem to go with the engulfing image.

This struck me as odd, too:
his cheeks perked with a cold rush of blood.
Cold seems to contradict the rush of blood, and "perked" doesn't seem to fit either. By contrast, this line, a paragraph or so later, works wonderfully to convey Collin's state of mind: "Collin's world turned strange and druggy and bright and purple-hued."

I'm not an expert grammarian, but a few things struck me as problematic:
nothing ever happened between she (her?) and Collin
Collin mumbled an apology, a kind of half-aware apology anymore. (This use of "anymore," here and repeatedly elsewhere, doesn't quite work).
already finding space (was?) difficult with cars
How many times had he surreptitiously drove (driven) past Melissa's house following there affair in Las Vegas a decade ago?

This paragraph is rather awkward—too many "Collins" and the action is a tad hard to follow:
A girl wearing a wispy black dress and blouse glanced to Collin as he started up the walkway, her companion dragging his attention to Collin. Collin immediately recognized the guy, as did he from the way his face lit up rich in the sort of features that caricature makers relish.

I'd work on this line, too:
"Never married. I had a girlfriend, but she did succumb to the flu."
Especially because so little dialogue precedes it, the fact that (IMO) this is rather unnatural sounding dialogue hurts the moment quite a bit. In particular, "succumb" is a pretty stilted way to express this in conversation, and it sounds even less natural with the "she did succumb" phrasing rather than simple past tense.

I hope you find this helpful!

-Varian

 

[hugo_sam]

Enjoyed

I enjoyed your story. You are very eloquent. The 'hero' was emotionally and thoughtfully portrayed. The 'heroine" somewhat less so. I am far to inexperienced at writing to off any constructive criticism. It was a little too 'chain of thought' for my personal tastes. Overall, it was enjoyable and I look forward to continued chapters.

Hugo

 

[cheesy80s]

Thank you both!

Thank you both for your feedback.

Varian: As usual, you're insights are dead on target and perhaps some of the most constructive criticism I've ever received from an editor.

I will take your suggestions and will brush stroke them into my edit.

Hugo: Thank you for even taking the time to read my story. Your opinion means a lot. I actually never thought of myself as a stream-of-conscious writer, but you're right. That's kinda enlightening.....