Masculine Sexual Identity - fact or fiction?

[stlpenguin]

Alrighty, I've finally figured out what question I wanted to ask - I've known for a while, but couldn't put it into words.

I'm kinda new to this board, so bare with me. And I appologize for the length ahead of time - I already know this is going to turn into an essay before I type it.

First off, I am a 26 year old male. I am married, and I count myself heterosexual - though open enough that the idea of sex with a man doesn't necessarily disgust me. I have never been with a man, though. The major reason I poke around in these forums - as the few who have read my post in PredatorSmile's list of reasons women love men - is that I have a bit of a crossdressing fetish that I nurse. My wife is aware of it, and mildly encourages is, though I haven't really had the courage to truly indulge it, as I'm still a bit confused by it, and fear family/friends' reactions if it ever got out.

I am an intellectual at heart, and I have done quite a bit of thinking as to why I have this particular fetish. In analyzing it, I'm beginning to see a much larger... I don't think "problem" is the word, but perhaps "situation"... that is closely related. I don't feel I have a masculine sexual identity. Thusly, when I wish to feel "sexy" or "attractive," I psychologically run home to what I know - femeninity.

As I posted in the "Reasons why women love men" thread, it was shocking to me to see such a long, difinitive list that was agreed upon by so many women (and a few men). It may have just been bad luck on my part, but in 26 years, that was the first time I've ever seen a woman actually PIN DOWN what she found attractive about men. Every woman has soemthing entirely different, and many will admit that the thing that attracts her to one man may not attract her to the next. To test this, I did some poking around the other Lit boards, and found one in the HT Cafe regarding exactly that subject - what do women find attractive in men? The first four answers were exactly as I related above: It depends on the man, it's usually different, different women love different things...

So, I'm left very very confused. How is a man supposed to craft any form of sexual identity around his masculinity if he is unable to get a clear definition of what women actually want? How many of you men - gay, bi, or straight, feel this way as well?

Lastly, I'd like to add that I'm not 'ashamed' of my crossdressing or my femenine desires in the bedroom. I just know that other people tend to blow non-issues out of proportion and make big deals out of things that don't remotly effect them in any way. My desire to be "out" about it does not come close to overtaking my desire to just be left the hell alone.

I welcome your comments and questions, and thank you for having a forum where discussing this is possible with open-minded individuals.

-- the penguin

PS: I'm not really interested in posts describing things you'd like to do to me. If you'd like to talk erotically, keep it to PMs, please.

 

[PredatorSmile]

Alrighty, I've finally figured out what question I wanted to ask - I've known for a while, but couldn't put it into words.

I'm kinda new to this board, so bare with me. And I appologize for the length ahead of time - I already know this is going to turn into an essay before I type it.

First off, I am a 26 year old male. I am married, and I count myself heterosexual - though open enough that the idea of sex with a man doesn't necessarily disgust me. I have never been with a man, though. The major reason I poke around in these forums - as the few who have read my post in PredatorSmile's list of reasons women love men - is that I have a bit of a crossdressing fetish that I nurse. My wife is aware of it, and mildly encourages is, though I haven't really had the courage to truly indulge it, as I'm still a bit confused by it, and fear family/friends' reactions if it ever got out.

I am an intellectual at heart, and I have done quite a bit of thinking as to why I have this particular fetish. In analyzing it, I'm beginning to see a much larger... I don't think "problem" is the word, but perhaps "situation"... that is closely related. I don't feel I have a masculine sexual identity. Thusly, when I wish to feel "sexy" or "attractive," I psychologically run home to what I know - femeninity.

As I posted in the "Reasons why women love men" thread, it was shocking to me to see such a long, difinitive list that was agreed upon by so many women (and a few men). It may have just been bad luck on my part, but in 26 years, that was the first time I've ever seen a woman actually PIN DOWN what she found attractive about men. Every woman has soemthing entirely different, and many will admit that the thing that attracts her to one man may not attract her to the next. To test this, I did some poking around the other Lit boards, and found one in the HT Cafe regarding exactly that subject - what do women find attractive in men? The first four answers were exactly as I related above: It depends on the man, it's usually different, different women love different things...

So, I'm left very very confused. How is a man supposed to craft any form of sexual identity around his masculinity if he is unable to get a clear definition of what women actually want? How many of you men - gay, bi, or straight, feel this way as well?

Lastly, I'd like to add that I'm not 'ashamed' of my crossdressing or my femenine desires in the bedroom. I just know that other people tend to blow non-issues out of proportion and make big deals out of things that don't remotly effect them in any way. My desire to be "out" about it does not come close to overtaking my desire to just be left the hell alone.

I welcome your comments and questions, and thank you for having a forum where discussing this is possible with open-minded individuals.

-- the penguin

PS: I'm not really interested in posts describing things you'd like to do to me. If you'd like to talk erotically, keep it to PMs, please.

Be your own man, and to heck with what other people think ! That's the only way to be. Don't be a slave to other people's expectations. Do your own thing. Some will like you, others won't.

 

[stlpenguin]

But that's kinda my point, Pred - How am I supposed to "be my own man" when I'm not even sure what a man IS?

 

[PredatorSmile]

But that's kinda my point, Pred - How am I supposed to "be my own man" when I'm not even sure what a man IS?

You're going to have to figure it out for yourself. My brother bought this book called The Prince And The King : A Guided Journey of Initiation by Michael Gurian. Our father loved it. It's about rites of passage in men's lives. Men's relationships with other men, and women. All races and sexual orientations included. It's really a fantastic read. Anyone who is a man, or loves one, can benefit from reading it.

 

[stlpenguin]

I'll give that a look. Thank you.

 

[PredatorSmile]

I'll give that a look. Thank you.

You're welcome.

 

[boyvenus4u]

know exactly what you're feeling penguin

Hope you guys don't mind if I join you on this, but it's something I am currently giving an awful lot of thought too myself, so you might possibly appreciate this matter from another guy's perspective. Although, having said that let me first reassure you both that I don't pretend at all to have any answers.

I think, at least this is the view I seem to be comming round to now, it is like anything, this question concerning identity- be it male/female, sexual or of any other nature, in that it is a process like any other, which means that there is no definite point of reference for you to focus on- if I understand you properly, this seems to be your 'problem'?

(I'm sorry about my use of language, if I am coming across in a pretentous manner, please forgive me but this is the only way i can attempt to address your question.)

So, looked at in this fashion, already we have a way of grappling with the issue. We have cleared a space for our heads, as it were. Am I making any sense?

Personally, I find it all EXTREMELY challenging, as a man, and therefore enriching. Each day I am obliged to confront the nature of the animal. Once the ego has been completely annihilated, like a great crystal chandelier which has come smashing down, the fun really begins.

Besides, you already know as much yourself, let your honesty keep guiding you.

You are a blank slate, write what you will.

Bonne Chance!

Boyvenus

 

[LoboBoy]

This may sound lame, but there is a singer songwriter in my home town of Brisbane, Australia who has covered a lot of this stuff about exploration of what it mean to be a "man". Masculinity etc

I saw him play live last night in a club and have seen him play a couple times before. I was blown away with the honesty. I kinda didn't "get" all of it until I saw his webpage. www.jacobdiefenbach.com

I know hearing it in songs is not the same as a book. I've been listeing to his stuff most of the day at work, so it's sort of relevant to me at the moment.

I should send him this link and get on the pay roll

 

[none2_none2]

I think PS said it all. I'll just tell a short story to show some of the consequences...

If you try to be something other than you are, you'll never be happy. Sure a lot of things don't turn one person on, but they may click with someone else. Also, not only would you be unhappy, you could realy hurt some one else.

A few years ago, I had someone I thought was the love of my life: "the one". Everything seemed perfect to me. Both his actions and his words. Then the bomb shell came two years into the relationship. He said he had never felt for me what he has said in the past. I can never forgive him, but I do my best to forget him so that I don't have that emotional baggage. (FYI, He was much older than you.)

I think it was part of his personality to be a people pleaser -- tell you what you want to hear. It also had to do with his profession -- a preacher. As you know some professions, you really aren't supposed to ever have a "bad side" as you are in the public view most of the time. Someone may rat on you or something another person does can annoy you. However, you can't tell them to get lost if you are a preacher... (Same holds true for professions like politicians, etc.)

Anyway, I only bring that up as an example of what happens when you aren't "authentic". You'd be misserable, and the day might come when you can't wear the facade anymore. Then when you blow the whistle on yourself, you end up hurting the people that you mislead into thinking you felt something else or you were someone else...

 

[PredatorSmile]

I think PS said it all. I'll just tell a short story to show some of the consequences...

If you try to be something other than you are, you'll never be happy. Sure a lot of things don't turn one person on, but they may click with someone else. Also, not only would you be unhappy, you could realy hurt some one else.

A few years ago, I had someone I thought was the love of my life: "the one". Everything seemed perfect to me. Both his actions and his words. Then the bomb shell came two years into the relationship. He said he had never felt for me what he has said in the past. I can never forgive him, but I do my best to forget him so that I don't have that emotional baggage. (FYI, He was much older than you.)

I think it was part of his personality to be a people pleaser -- tell you what you want to hear. It also had to do with his profession -- a preacher. As you know some professions, you really aren't supposed to ever have a "bad side" as you are in the public view most of the time. Someone may rat on you or something another person does can annoy you. However, you can't tell them to get lost if you are a preacher... (Same holds true for professions like politicians, etc.)

Anyway, I only bring that up as an example of what happens when you aren't "authentic". You'd be misserable, and the day might come when you can't wear the facade anymore. Then when you blow the whistle on yourself, you end up hurting the people that you mislead into thinking you felt something else or you were someone else...

I've heard the words "Feel No Shame For What You Are" in the GLBT community. They ring true for ALL people.