marrige and BDSM

[ltlwitch]

Hello all! I have a topic I would like to talk about here. It hase to do with being in a marrige/family with someone you have a D/s relationship with.

I have been married for 9 yeard now and find that there are times that I feel, at times, a "power identity crisis" between the two of us as we move between being home making mommy and daddy to being D/s.......

So my question is for any one out there who is in the same boat, or had any stories or advise to share.

Blessings all~
ltlwitch

 

[petrel]

I've commented ont his a couple of times in threads - go do a serach and you may pull something up - sorry I can't be more helpful right now but I really don't fell liek going into it all again at the moment.

A few key points:

if BDSM is something you keep just to your private time and only with advance warning and consent on both parts its pretty easy to keep your lives seperate - If you want it to be more involved then its gets harder but as we don't play outside of set times I can't help with that.

We are partners first and foremost and after that comes a wole list of other stuff - pretty high up on that list is the fact that our sex life is 'non vanilla' and a little further down the list is the BDSM play. ie; I could live without BDSM if my partner or I felt that way but I couldn't live without Kink.

I WOULD NOT be marrying my partner if what I wanted first and foremost was a BDSM master/pet DOm/sub or even Domme/sub relationship - I might be engaging in a contract or moving in with htnm but marriage to me is not primarily about your sexual relationship.

Good luck!

 

[ltlwitch]

Hi petrel, nice meetin ya...........
I'll have to look for those, I hadn't seen any so Cym sugested I post a new thread. I guess since we didn't start out our relationship with anythin outside of "nilla land" that it is just learning "how" to incorperate something new

We are going slow, and talking ALOT.........I was just wondering if anyone else has had any similar experiences, and ways they found to work them out.
Thanks again~

ltlwitch

 

[Guest]

I am lucky in that I married a man that supports, encourages, and adores me. He knew of my previous BDSM relationships. He was open to learning. Over the years, he has spent much time learning and experimenting. I've trained him, in a sense. It's ongoing.

It is quite possible to be married to your Dom/me or sub. And, it can work. It's all about compromise, honesty, communication, and meeting the neds/wants of both partners.

Good luck to you!

 

[lasavane]

Hi, i'm really in a hurry right now and on my way out of town for a few days, but i am in a similar situation to you. We are still working on this, and it is difficult when you have already had a relationship under a different context. i'll try to be more specific later, but i won't be back until Mon. Feel free to pm me. BTW, we have been married 12 years and just started this about 5 months ago. i think eventually it will work itself out. As my hus/Dom says, it is an evolving situation.

lasavane

 

[RisiaSkye]

In negotiating the relationship between our BDSM sexual lives and our marriage, the biggest problem *I've* found is that when hubby gets really into his Dom trip, it takes a while for that to go away. If I'm not vigilant, it easily starts spilling over into what I consider our RL--an egalitarian relationship. I'm more of a Top than a Domme, so I think that spillover is slightly easier to prevent for me. He may, however, have a very different perspective on all of this.

My only advice in this is that there's no reason to be afraid to defend your RL/non-sexual rights and power; the 24/7 D/s relation isn't for everyone, far from it. So, you have to continually negotiate and renegotiate your power relation, if for no other reason than to remind each other where the boundaries are between your BDSM selves and your everyday life. Nothing wrong with that, darlin'. Power negotiation is a huge part of marriage, no matter what your bedroom flavor.

 

[ltlwitch]

Thank you RisiaSkye~

And you hit one of the things We've been working with right on the head .....After some major play time he seems to want to carry his "Dommhood" with him into the next day or out of the bedroom (whichever comes first).....It hasn't caused any problems between us, mostly just laughs when he figures out thats what hes doing. The kids also point out to him that he is being TOO bossy, and that mommy is the boss ..........then we both have to have a realy good laugh!

Thanks for sharing that! I'm glad to see that we are not alone.....

Blessings~
ltlwitch

 

[RisiaSkye]

Thanks for sharing that! I'm glad to see that we are not alone.....

Blessings~
ltlwitch

Far from it, darlin', far from it. And bright blessings to you and yours as well.

 

[pierced_boy]

mommy & daddy & d/s

ltlwitch

This is a very interesting part of a relationship. Children are very perceptive and pick up very subtle changes(or charateristics) in behaviour. As my own relationship has changed and moved (switch wise) into D/s play and emotions my children have noticed and remarked upon differences in our day to day exchanges with each other and some spin off changes in third party dealings and activities.

Teenagers seem the most perceptive. My advice is keep things benign or positive where ever possible but be aware they (changes) are noticed! All the changes we have been through have been positive in the home.

D/s can be very romantic in nature and can have very significant realignment of emotional boundaries and responsiblities. There can be significantly more "peace" in ones life when moving into D/s and coming into one's self(s).

I don't believe this needs to be harder work than any other style of relationship but concede there needs to be care in the "how" you make it work. Use everday language and terms, be relaxed but alert, enjoy yourselves but don't flaunt your power(s). This is about power "with" not "over" another person. Children will not be puzzeled or troubled if parents are loving, considerate and sharing power with each other no matter what their bed room activities.


enjoy your loving

Harry

 

[ltlwitch]

Harry~

Thank you for your post. It is so true that the children Know when things are different in the home. Mine are still rather young, so their remarks are funny .

And yes, it has brought a strange sort of "romance" to our relationship that plain 'nilla couldn't. Thank you for pointing that out to me as I had not even noticed!

Thank you~
ltlwitch

 

[ltlwitch]

just a bump....

bump bump!

 

[Rooster]

Hey ....

I've been there before too. My wife and I have been slowly entering into the world of BDSM ..... which for the most part has been limited to only the bedroom and sex.

We want to expaned it into our regular lives ... but it HAS to be subtle for us.

We had to slow down ... to a near stop though. My wife has just had our 2nd baby .... With the past pregnancy and the newborn around ..... plus her recovering from delivery .. it's on hold.

Maybe in the next week or so. Almost like starting over.

My new wife and I can't wait for things to get back to some kind of normalcy to pick up where we left off.

 

[apple3141]

Ainit de truth, Mabel!

Power negotiation is a huge part of marriage, no matter what your bedroom flavor.

This is the most sensible, significant, relevant thing I've read in years. Make that decades.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Re: Ainit de truth, Mabel!

This is the most sensible, significant, relevant thing I've read in years. Make that decades.

I take it you're married?
Thanks, geo.

 

[Rooster]

How's everyone doing today? ..... Hope alls well

 

[ltlwitch]

Hey ....

........ My wife has just had our 2nd baby ....

................My new wife and I can't wait for things to get back to some kind of normalcy to pick up where we left off.

First off, Congrats on the new addition to your Family.

And I can relate to wanting to get back to some kind of normalcy (whatever that may be!!! Its been SO long!)

Thanks ~
Ltlwitch

 

[Richard49]

I was married for 9 years to a woman that I collared a couple of years before. She deserted me in Sept. From this, this old man has learned a lot.

Marrage is a social Insitutation created by God and controled by man that has very specific guidlines. Some of those man made guildlines (read laws) are actually at odds with the D/s relationship.

So you find yourself married and you open up on your fantasies.
You want both worlds or do you?

You want the legal and relgious freedoms that marrage provides but you also want the TPE of D/s.

or

Do you just want to add some BDSM in the bedroom?

 

[RisiaSkye]

For us, it begins and ends in the bedroom. There's no 24/7 TPE in our future as a couple. Then again, as switches, it would be confusing if there were!

 

[ltlwitch]

a mixed answer

Marrage is a social Insitutation created by God and controled by man that has very specific guidlines. Some of those man made guildlines (read laws) are actually at odds with the D/s relationship.

So you find yourself married and you open up on your fantasies.
You want both worlds or do you?

You want the legal and relgious freedoms that marrage provides but you also want the TPE of D/s.

or

Do you just want to add some BDSM in the bedroom?

For myself, I would have to say 100% BDSM in the bedroom, and about 50% of the TPE type discussed in a different thread. although I do usualy always serve the dinners, ect ( see other thread for more info). It could be from having small children and an elderly grandma to take care of that sometimes kills any disire I have for anything other that just sitting there and watching some TV. On the rare occation that we have had fredom from "them" things have been different *grin*.

I hope this helps. I'm not sure now if I had gotten side-tracked along the way!

Blessings to all~
ltlwitch