Married but Bi-sexual ~ some questions

[Az_You_Wish]

Hi everyone!!! I've been mostly a lurker ~ kinda shy and not sure what to post or what posts to respond to since I'm so new .. But I thought I would post here in hopes of getting some replies

I am married and happily so ~ however for years now I have really ached to be with a woman, I've fooled around, done a lot of kissing & what have you (mostly pre-marriage) but never truly "been" with a woman .. I've spoken to my husband about this and for the most part he is okay with it and if I were to ever find someone to be with, he would let me and not be upset .. I also have several close friends who are bi-sexual and have been w/ other women & I know the door is open if I were to engage something with them, so I guess I should say I'm not so much bi-sexual but bi-sexual curious? Althoug I have no doubt w/ what little I've experienced that being w/ a woman fully will be truly wonderful.

So I supose my question is ~ for those who are married or is w/ someone, as well as w/ another woman, or been w/ another woman while married/in a relationship .. How has this affected you and your partner?

Thanks to anyone who replies!

 

[oo0_boo_0oo]

have sent you a pm.

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

From my own experience I would say if he is okay with you having the experience then by all means go for it. It's a fantasy of a lot of men.

Now, on the other side of that coin you have the aftermath. The key to making it work is to make sure that no feelings are involved. You have to keep it a purely sexual experience. In some aspects a stranger or a not so closely aquatinted rather then a friend is better for this. The less you feel for the other woman the easier it will be should insecurities arise from your husband.

This is how things shook out for my wife and I.

We had sex with a friend of mine and he and I had a good time together while she watched. A good time was had by all but afterwards it felt a bit awkward when he came around and I think he felt it too so for several months we didn’t see him. After that time everything returned to normal. Since it was just one time my wife did not have any issues with it.

We did share a bed together with another woman. (My wife did not do anything with her, as she is very hetro but a voyeur) Unfortunately the woman was very "clingy" wanting a little more then just a sexual experience as such my wife started to have a lot of insecurities. The problem was that the other woman was one of our good friends so it was kind of hard to tell her not to come around. In the end we let that cool down for several months and everything went back to normal again.

I guess the best advice I could give you is have the experience but allow for some “you and your hubby time” afterwards so you can forestall any worries he may have afterwards. ...

 

[Az_You_Wish]

You make some very valid points Mikijl and points that I myself have worried about .. I suppose I worry about doing it w/ someone I don't really know ~ call it paranoia lol But I can totally see why it could get ugly if you do do it w/ someone you know.. WHY does this have to be so damn complicated? lol It's propably not, for most ppl, but I'm great at making this difficult.

Also, part of me just wants to go off, on my own and experience another woman .. So that I can truly be myself and become totally invovled in the experience, and then once I've done that have my husband join in, I realize that's kind of selfish though. I'd really like to have him apart of it once I've discovered this side of myself, I'm a huge voyuer and the thought of him w/ another woman .. deff. gets me going .. Even another man! But alas I don't see that happening (the man part), at least not in the distant future.

I also think if he were bi-sexual as well, it would help him see from my stand point what I am wanting to experience, but he's not. Although part of me thinks he's very curious, he loves anal play & has mentioned here and there about being curious. *shrugs*

Anyhow .. The aftermath .. that is what keeps me from really going out and seeking this! And your points on not being w/ someone you know really well is deffinatley something to think on, and has been something I myself have wondered how it'll all work out. I've had some online relationships w/ women .. Am currently in one where were good friends, but both curious as to what it would be like to be w/ one anther .. We are both married and neither husband would want us to do something w/ the other as in a 3 some .. But I think it would work if we were to go off and be alone .. So it's almost a relationship that does nothing but turn me on and tease me lol But she is a good friend! So if nothing else, I've gained a close somebody to be friends w/.

At the end of the day, I would love to experience this, but my husband and his feelings are just as important to me as my need/want to experience another woman. And I'm not quite sure how to balance all of this .. Thank you for letting me air my thoughts and bless you if you've gotten this far in my long winded possibly confusing post LOL

And thanks boo for your Pm hun ~ I've respoded

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

Glad I could help. The best way is to make sure your completely open together. Communication is key.

Also its not selfish to want to experience this by yourself. If my wife wished to have the experience my only stipulation would be that she regale me with details afterwards.

As for the points about your husbands curiosity, I think there may be more there then you know as that’s how I started off as myself. It's a bit scary for a guy to admit that to a woman but once he does it opens a whole new world.

Always here to help if I can.

 

[lissie]

I've been a lurker myself for some time. I also am married and curious, so I cannot offer the answers you seek, but I can say that I am in the same situation as you. A couple of nights ago my husband and I went to our local "gay" bar and I met a woman who intrigued me. We snuck out for a few minutes and kissed. It was amazing. When I returned he was understandably pissed, but we worked it out. She dissappeared, much to my dismay, but I managed to get her number from her roomate. The number sat on my bureau until today, when my husband programmed it into my cell phone, "just in case I lost the paper." I want so much to call, but worry about the aftermath as well.

 

[Az_You_Wish]

Oh I completley agree that communication is the key, sometimes I think I go overboard talking to him about it. But I want this to be open and clear between us so that if something does happen, especially if it's a spur of the moment thing ~ I can enjoy it and not worry if he's okay w/ it or not.

lol you also sound like him in that he wouldn't mind if I go off, but he wants all the details LOL I guess I just feel somewhat selfish b/c I know he really wants apart of it, and I'm okay with that. After I've figured it out on my own.

It would be nice if he were bi-sexual and at some point is able to tell me. He knows I would be thrilled if he were ~ knowing him as I do I think he'd enjoy it and on another note, I wouldn't mind have a mmf experience!! Or even a ffm w/ another woman and man.

anyhow thanks again! And how is az these days? I grew up there


~~

Lissie .. Hiya! It's nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation! It sounds to me like your hubby was a bit annoyed due to *how* things happened but not so much that it actually happened?

...

On an OT note .. that sucks that I have to have 100+ posts in order to get an avatar!!!! *pouts*

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

Hot , and the weather is pretty warm too

My wife was the same way completly turned on by the idea of me and another guy together. Even knowning that it still took sometime for me to let that happen or to even admit I wanted it to happen. Just give him time and I am sure he will come around.

 

[Az_You_Wish]

lol oh yea?

Lets hope he does! And if not, thank the gods I've a good imagination!

 

[souljourney]

This is the first time I've posted also. I'm a married female and very curious...but my husband is overseas working and I won't see him til this summer for about 2 weeks.
Before he left I tried bringing up the subject, somewhat jokingly, about getting a girlfriend while he was out of town, just to see how he'd react. Very against it. I also know he has ZERO curiousities about being with a man...he doesn't like any type of anal play even.
I'm sure I'll get the "violating marital agreement" feedback if I were to consider doing something with another woman, but...we'll see what you all say.

Well, anyway about the doing something with a friend or stranger thing...I think if it's just one-on-one I'd rather do it with a friend. I am very close to my friends and crossing that line would be pretty easy. I have a couple of friends that I think would be fine with it and it wouldn't really alter the friendship. I can't really do something physical/emotional with someone I don't have a connection with, so strangers are out of the question for me. I'm not sure what I'd do with the threesome idea...and unfortunately for me my husband is one of the few men who doesn't really have fantasies of being with 2 women.
Those are my thoughts for whatever it's worth.

 

[John Doe]

This is the first time I've posted also. I'm a married female and very curious...but my husband is overseas working and I won't see him til this summer for about 2 weeks.
Before he left I tried bringing up the subject, somewhat jokingly, about getting a girlfriend while he was out of town, just to see how he'd react. Very against it. I also know he has ZERO curiousities about being with a man...he doesn't like any type of anal play even.
I'm sure I'll get the "violating marital agreement" feedback if I were to consider doing something with another woman, but...we'll see what you all say.

Well, anyway about the doing something with a friend or stranger thing...I think if it's just one-on-one I'd rather do it with a friend. I am very close to my friends and crossing that line would be pretty easy. I have a couple of friends that I think would be fine with it and it wouldn't really alter the friendship. I can't really do something physical/emotional with someone I don't have a connection with, so strangers are out of the question for me. I'm not sure what I'd do with the threesome idea...and unfortunately for me my husband is one of the few men who doesn't really have fantasies of being with 2 women.
Those are my thoughts for whatever it's worth.

As pissed as he was about you bringing up the idea, he'd be even more pissed if you actually did it. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but you should think long and hard before you do.

And anyway, ideally you would convince him to allow it, but I don't know how likely that is. He sounds homophobic to me.

Then again, maybe he likes the idea of you horny and waiting desperately for him to return.

 

[souljourney]

Is he homophobic? Well I didn't think so since several of our really good freinds are gay/lesbian. One guy even lived with us for a month before moving out of town.
Trust me...I'll still be horny when I get to see him this summer regardless.
And it seems like from what a lot of people say...sex is mainly just different with a woman.
Ok, and I'm sure I'll get slammed for this,...but who says I'd tell him I did anything anyway. I'm not looking to replace him, just explore a side of me I haven't yet and make some friends.

 

[John Doe]

Is he homophobic? Well I didn't think so since several of our really good freinds are gay/lesbian. One guy even lived with us for a month before moving out of town.
Trust me...I'll still be horny when I get to see him this summer regardless.
And it seems like from what a lot of people say...sex is mainly just different with a woman.
Ok, and I'm sure I'll get slammed for this,...but who says I'd tell him I did anything anyway. I'm not looking to replace him, just explore a side of me I haven't yet and make some friends.

Well, there are various degrees of homophobia. More mild forms of it allow for tolerance of homosexual activities as long as that person is not involved with them. I suspect this is why he refuses to even engage in anal play, because it's "gay."

And anyway, even if you didn't tell him, someone else would. Or the credit card bill. People rarely get away with adultery, if ever.

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

It’s a shame you husband is closed to the new experience you wish to have. Perhaps you should start by putting a few fantasies in his mind as you have sex. I little fantasy talk can go a long way.

If he still does not come around and you are going to have the experience regardless go in with your eyes open, assume he will find out. Stupon is right that most people who have affairs get caught. If you are willing to take the risk then go for it. Just remember it may alter your relationship permanently.

 

[Netzach]

Not to be an asshole, but wouldn't it seem that most people who have affairs get caught because when people don't get caught we don't know about it?

Food for thought.

Life is short nasty and brutal and you only get one.

 

[Az_You_Wish]

Do you think that he was more upset at your "joke" due to him leaving? Where as if you had mentioned it at a time where he would still be around and not off on duty that it wouldn't of upset him so much?

Either way, I don't think you should just go off and do it. It's not because your "married" or that he's against it, to me it would be out of respect to my husband. If it is something that's very important to you and that your truly wanting to experience, I would sit him down and have an honest open talk about this, with the hopes that in time he would be okay with it. And if not, then you need to decide what's more important, your marriage or experiencing another woman.

Am sorry your faced with this! And I really do hope that you are able to work something out that suits you both.

 

[blue eyed muse]

my husband and i are both bisexual and we have found that to avoid getting our feelings hurt, we have rock hard boundaries. for instance, we can play together or separate, as long as the other person knows about, preferably before. if thats not possible then to give the other tons of details afterwards. no secrets and tons of communication. that has been the key for us. i hope this helps. i know that jealousy can be a big issue and thats something that has to be dealt with before being able to truly enjoy a swingy type lifestyle.

 

[Az_You_Wish]

That's where my husband are at right now .. I actually just finished having a really open and honest talk with him about this, we were both able to share insecurities, validate them and then move onto the next subject .. Setting rules for ourselves as we went along ..

I couldn't agree more that honesty and openness is THE key to making things like this work.

 

[souljourney]

Lots of good feedback, Thanks.
I agree about the open & honest, unfortunately that will have to wait a while. That's definitely one discussion not to have on the phone or on vacation. I guess I'm still concerned about his reaction, but we'll just have to see. I'm trying to figure ways to rationalize it to him.
I'll just hope nobody really interesting comes along in the meantime.
Oh, and about affairs always being found out about...not true.

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

I know for me I could never have a secret affair. I love my wife to much to do something like that. The guilt alone would eat away at me.

 

[RobHammer]

My brain is cluttered with random thoughts on this. For me, sex is just sex. When I was young I had casual sex at the drop of a hat. Pretty much any willing warm body would do. However, that can come with consequences. There was one time when I was in Germany sharing an apartment with a couple after my older room mate went back to the States. She was infatuated by the idea of getting it on with a bi guy, and came on to me topless while hubby was on night duty. Not being of sound mind after too much partying I rushed things a bit. During the deed she had second thoughts, and the next morning she was an absolute wreck.

What am I saying here? If you have a significant emotional attachment to your partner, be carefull about crossing boundaries without your partner's consent. If it's not agreed upon beforehand it could come back to haunt you.

Say that it's not a problem with you, but your partner is not positive about an open relationship. If you fool around and they find out, then what?

 

[ifitsfundoit]

That's where my husband are at right now .. I actually just finished having a really open and honest talk with him about this, we were both able to share insecurities, validate them and then move onto the next subject .. Setting rules for ourselves as we went along ..

I couldn't agree more that honesty and openness is THE key to making things like this work.

We've found that openness is the key for just about everything in our marriage. we're both bisexual, an it took us both until our late 20's to fully realise this fact.

Strangely, now that we know, we are so much more open with each other in our "day to day" lovemaking/sex.

We also play with other couples occasionally. we're not into the scene, just a casual evening at home.

The benefit for us of another couple is that there is a greatly reduced risk of any emotional attachment, and more importantly, there is absolutley no duplicity. This is not an open relationship, or a secret affair. It's simply 4 adults investigating their own sexuality in a controlled environment.

It's not to everyone's taste, but for us it works rather well.

 

[fenderman68]

This has been a really interesting thread to read. My wife has admitted to me a desire to be with another woman. I think it's great and try to encourage her to be open to me with these feelings. I'm not sure that she would ever actually have sex with another woman.......but the fantasy alone is enough to really stimulate our sex lives. I just don't want her to live her life unfulfilled if this is really something that she would like to try.

 

[Az_You_Wish]

Souljorney ~ whatever happens and whatever it is you decide to do, I do hope you are able to happily GL to you ~

Mikijl ~ nor I ..

ifitsfundoit ~ that is awsome that you two have been able to find such an equilibrium with this!

Fenderman ~ thanks for responding, I really enjoy hearing a mans persective on this

A little update on me .. The girl I was really hoping to be with isn't going to work out as her husband just isnt' comfortable with it right now and I love and respect her and him, so we've decided for now to be friends, granted we still flirt and what have you. But we've dropped the idea of ever being together. Although I know that we both still want it. It's frustrating, but I am soo glad that we are still friends and going strong! Interestingly enough, an ex-girlfriend has come into the picture again and it looked as though we *might* of gotten back together, we spoke for a bit. But things just got confusing and frustrating ~ so am going to close that door too. *shrugs*

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

Sometimes flirting can be just as fun if not funnier then the actual act.

I am sure another opportunity will present its self soon.